My friend,

I�m extremely sorry I could not forcefully enough make my case that telling her of your infidelity while deployed was not advisable. Now it appears you are faced with a new mission to solution.

I urge you to accept for the moment that your betrayed wife has taken some retaliatory action in response to your confession. Even if she has not been able to arrange an outing with another man, it is evidently her desire to have been able to do so.

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The question you must put to her is as follows: Is the marriage you once had, and hopefully can have again, worth fighting through the destruction you have caused? Do NOT fight fair in this debate. Enlist family and friends if necessary, which would, of course, mean self-exposure of your transgressions. Use the probable future lives of your children, as either children of divorced parents, or as members of an intact family, to urge her to pull back from the leap she is contemplating making. Recall for her the hundreds of days of loving and caring cohabitation you shared, and the lives you have built together. I would expect you know her well enough to have insight into what factors would work best on her resentment and hurt. Brother, use EVERY one of them.

We�re here to offer what aid we can, but right now, the assignment is yours. Our prayers go with you.

This doesn't ring right to me. AS, I suspect your W is lashing out at you, and no date occurred.

Can you explain more about her "dealing with this alone"? How are you able to be in contact with her?

Neverguessed, being honest with his spouse now IS ADVISABLE. Dishonesty is never the solution to adultery. Just because his wife is angry about his affair and is threatening to have her own affair is no reason to keep it a secret. We knew she would be angry, that is the natural reaction to an affair, not because of how he told her. Every BS is in shock and rage when they find out. This is no different, so it is ridiculous to presume that if she was told in some magical perfect way that she would not have reacted with fury and rage. This is the rule, not the exception.

WE have helped many couples through this difficult time while one was deployed. There was no reason to continue lying about the affair and many reasons to be honest.

I realize you are new here, but the advise you are giving is not helpful and is most certainly NOT in keeping with Marriage Builders best practices.

Please stick to the basic principles if you are going to presume to help others here and remember the sign on the door says Marriage Builders, not Neverguessed.

Just a reminder to help this poster with Marriage Builders. Please help him in that regard. If not, I would strongly suggest you refrain from posting.

Asmith,

I agree that your wife's response is curious and believe the other posts about her being 1) so angry that she is telling you this but not really acting on it or 2) she had someone in mind already.

From reading here more than 2 years, nearly every response (mine included) to finding out about a spouse's infidelity has been a feeling of "being kicked in the gut". This is not exactly a feeling that makes me want to go have a good time with some other man.

Have you talked to your wife since this conversation? What is preacher BIL saying? Has he talked to her? How are you doing? Have you talked to the chaplain? It is very important to maintain no contact with OW. Regardless of your wife's response right now, do not contact the OW.

Have you read all the articles on this site? Looked at the threads for newcomers?

AM

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ASmith, I am very glad I found your thread. I will concur with the dozens of people here who have successfully recovered marriages, many of whom are in the military, that you did the right thing in telling the truth. there is never a "good time" to confess such a thing, and there is NEVER a "good reason" to deceive....period. Yes, never is an "ad hominem," I suppose....but if the truth is the truth....it's the truth.

So, she is very hurt and angry. This would be true even if you had told her on a private cruise to a secret island armed with MB counselors. You did what is right and not what is easy....and that says a lot about you.

Keep the faith, and keep coming here. And I want you to know your thread has given me some much needed personal encouragement today.