OK. I have been trolling this site for a while. Here is my story. I'm sure you'll have questions and I don't want to go too long so I'll summarize as best I can.

I've been married 16 years and have 5 children. Our marriage was not perfect. I worked a lot and she stayed home to raise the kids. Last October I found a FB message where she was telling an ex boyfriend she "thought about him all the time and couldn't get him out of her mind." I confronted her and she unfriended him and it stopped.

Then in January I noticed an unusual number of text messages on our bill. A quick review and I noticed many were to the same number. A little research and I was able to determine who the OM was. This was a different person than the messages in October. I warned her that the OM wanted more then to be just friends. He was in the middle of a separation himself. She said they were just friends. Then the text messages stopped. I was immediately suspicious and dug into FB messages. Over the next couple months I watched the messages and, stupidly, stood by and watched the relationship go from emotional to physical. Working with the OMW I was able to gather proof they were seeing each other and actually get the hotel room key from one of their stays together. It was then that I exposed the A to WWs friends and family. Unfortunately, by that time she had pretty much written off her friends who challenged her behavior and was surrounded by people who were going through or had been through divorce. The exposure had the effect of stopping the physical part and limiting the contact but all contact has not stopped. They are still FB friends and until last week she had a second cell phone she was using to contact him. I confronted her about the second cell phone. She said she stopped paying for it but I don't know if thats true and she doesn't hide it where she used to.

She has said all the things a WW says. Everything in our marriage was "faked." She could go back to "faking" and I wouldn't know the difference and since "she has never mattered to me" why should what she wants matter now. She says she "isn't sure" she wants to work on our marriage but at the same time she says she won't divorce because she doesn't want to be a "part time mom." And of course everything is my fault.

Now I am stuck. I no longer can tell if she is in contact with OM although so far she has refused say she will end all contact. She tries to justify that its OK for them to "just be friends" now since the A is over.

In the mean time I have completely changed my life. New priorities (wife, kids, me, ...work), etc. She refuses to recognize the changes as positive. In fact, she has gone so far as to say she doesn't believe they are real and she doesn't trust my motivation for changing. She thinks I am trying to "steal HER kids" by being "super dad" all of a sudden. The reality is I have always been a good dad. Although I did get wound up in work pretty heavily in 2009.

Anyway, I don't know where to go from here. I have basically been doing plan A without knowing what it was but so far she refuses to make any changes. She says she is "trying" by going to counseling, etc. and I appreciate that she is. However, when I don't see any behavior changes I have to wonder if she is just going through the motions so she can say she is trying without actually doing anything. I often wonder if she believes that by "trying" she can magically change her feelings and then her behavior will change. I think it needs to be the other way around. She needs to change behaviors and then her feelings will begin to change.

Anyway, this was a high level overview. I have been through hell the last 6 months.

sbt, I am sorry you are here. I would start by checking out your legal rights to see if you can file on grounds of adultery and get your wife out of the house. This is not for the end goal of getting a divorce, but in protecting you and your children legally and emotionally.

The next step after a long Plan A is Plan B and I believe you are about there right now. I would start making preparations for this now and hopefully, you can get her to move out and leave the kids with you.

I would sit her down and let her know this is your next step. Polite requests will get you nowhere as you have seen.


Have you exposed the affair to EVERYONE? And I do mean all of your children over age 4, family, friends, everyone? What does the OM do? Have you confronted him face to face? Does his wife know they are still in touch?

Please go to the bookstore and get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. That will help you understand the dynamics of your wife's affair.

All of the children over age 4 should be told BY YOU - ALONE - about their mothers adultery. They should be told who the OM is so they can protect themselves from this enemy.

Dr. Willard Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

here

Welcome to MB

Melody Lane is spot on.

And please don't forewarn your wife that you are about to expose to the children. Whether you threaten or actually do it will certainly upset her but the difference is the threat won't accomplish anything except empowering her that she can still manipulate you with anger. She'll actually get MORE upset if you just threaten but then her anger has a purpose...to STOP/DISSUADE you from going forward with your plan. Whereas...just getting it over with...her anger will be little less of a firestorm based upon justly deserved internal fear of facing her children. Plus...once it's done...you can FEIGN an apology of sorts (not really apologizing because you'll stick to the mantra that you are fighting for your family AND HER....but you'll be sorry she feels so upset).

The more she indicates that what you've done is the FINAL STRAW the more indication you are receiving that your exposure hit it's mark. Don't let it bother you too much (though it's tough to watch your own wife so upset about her relationship with another man). This anger is part of the process of exposure. Just roll with it and try to distract her.

Your marriage can survive her anger...but it can not survive an ongoing physical and/or emotional affair of any kind.

Until you KILL the affair...definitively kill it, there is no progress in marital recovery. She has no right to have a "friendship" of any kind with OM. She gave up that right when she crossed the line with him (and him with her). If she won't end it...with proper preparations...in time...you'll need to go to Plan B.

Your Plan A timeline is getting awfully thin (you've been at this 6 months already with is about the recommended time Dr. Harley suggests Plan A should end). Showing up here desperately searching for answers is another good indication you're reaching the end of your rope. I suggest you read up on the plans here as quickly as you can and implement them decisively. You don't have time to argue and pick and choose. Time is of the essence and you, more than most BH's that show up here just after DDay should be more aware of how complacency and trusting your own instincts gets you no where. I'm glad to see you show up here on MB. There are steps to take here to TRY and extract your wife from her addictions...AND THEN there is the added bonus of a plan for marital recovery. Trust us (I saved my marriage here and we have helped 1000's of others do the same).

STEP ONE: ATTACKING and ENDING THE AFFAIR. It's all that matters right now. Without ending it...and soon...YOU are likely to give up and give in. You are losing love for her daily and after bleeding it away fruitlessly (meaning without a plan) for months now...it's time to take action.

Mr. Wondering

Oh, Yeah:

Please tell us about OM's side of the equation.

Have you exposed him?

Have you made continuing an affair with your wife difficult and troublesome for him?

How?


Getting OM to end it is often the easiest way to accomplish STOPPING the affair. When your wife becomes more trouble than she's worth (because YOU are driving him nuts and interfering in HIS life....plus, your wife is acting nutty and evasive too because she can't focus solely on him and his needs...OM's tend to throw in the towel).

Anyway...you attack the affair on BOTH fronts.

This is a war for your family.

Mr. W

No marriage is perfect. The perfection you seek comes from the satisfaction of knowing at the end of the day that you and your spouse have had another good day of marriage together. Don't worry about perfection in marriage. It's an unattainable goal.


Has his W confirmed this? Verify this for accuracy if your WW told you. Waywards are notorious liars.



This line is as old as the hills and as common as dirt.


Good job. Contact never "just stops." It goes underground. Glad to hear you found the second phone. That's a typical tool waywards use when they think they're really being creative.


This is doubtful, or if it is true, it won't last long.


Look harder. She's just moved it. No addict throws away their crack pipe in the middle of their addiction.


And of course you know she's rewriting history to justify her A. So you know to pretty much ignore this kind of drivel, right?


Cake-eating. She wants both of you so she can have it all - financial security, 24/7 access to her kids, attention from OM.

The A isn't over. It's gone underground. You need to snoop like a bloodhound. Waywards aren't terribly good at covering up. They usually leave something around that you can find.

Have you done a massive exposure? OMW, check. What about his parents, his kids, employer if it helps create pressure. Your kids, WWs parents?

Have you called OM and told him that Hell will be coming to visit him if he doesn't get far far away from your W?


Welcome, sbt. We'll help you.

Thanks for the questions and input. I won't have time to respond today.

You are lucky to have MrW. Don't brush off his advice. Follow it, his words are as a compass through affair land.

Huge blow up today. She said she is probably leaving. Maybe none of this matters anymore.

BTW, I believe the A is over.

The blow up happened because she continues to push my buttons and I couldn't keep everything internalized anymore. She continues to place the blame squarely on me but she does admit that the A was her very bad choice.

She said she doesn't even think of me as a friend much less a husband. I said i don't love the person she has become over the last 6 months either. I DO still love the person I know her to be. I just haven't seen that person for a very long time - longer than the 6 months of the A.

It is not over! Sorry, she is just better at hiding it is all. Trust me if the A was over you would know the change in her, but since it is not, she is still cheating, and therefore she will still blame you for everything!

How long have you been in plan A?

I said these exact words, its just another form of justification on what she is doing to you, that is it!

Trust me, if she wanted to leave she would have done it by now, she is only cake-eating/fog babble

Just another lie, have you been doing plan A for 6 months? If so then I recommend preparing yourself with plan B.

Have you talked to the harleys yet?

Uh-huh. Well, if I had to put cash on it, I'd say the A is far from being over. A WW SAHM doesn't have the resources to strike out on her own. IF she's leaving, she needs somewhere to go. Where do you think that would be? To the OM.

Everything she's saying is fogbabble. She's succeeding in pushing your buttons because you are about at the end of Plan A. It sounds like you are reaching a point of diminishing return on that Plan. I would suggest you take her up on her offer. If she wants to go, then she should GO. Help her pack her bag. Show her where the door is. Let her know that she is welcome to stay, but she and OM can't stay.

Proceed to Plan B.

What type of blow up?

How did you respond when she "pushed your buttons"?

Were you physically abusive to her?

The reason I ask..that is a phrase that abusers are prone to use.

committed

I have never been physically abusive with her. By blow up I mean yelling and angry hurtful things being said both ways.

sbt, did you read our posts? Do you have any interest in saving your marriage? if so, please go back and read our posts and respond.

You won't get very far listening to the rantings and ravings of your wife, but you will get far listening to US. We know how to save marriages, she doesn't.

Do you want to get to work here?

I have read your posts. I just haven't had time around a computer to respond. I will try tonight. I'm also trying to find evidence the A continues.

As long as she is still in contact wtih the OM, the affair continues. Do you have any evidence of the affair?

Ok, here is all you need. You have the goods. Please go back and re-read our posts. We have given you a strategy if you will follow it.

I have no evidence that contact continues. She said he put an end to it and she threw out her second phone. I don't know if I believe it. I am snooping.

sbt, did you read our posts?