Hi all,<P>Just wondering about this -- do any of you think that there was one person in your relationship that loved more than the other? In other words, do you think you loved your wife/husband more than he/she loved you back? Or vice-versa?<P>I know for me it always felt like my wife loved me more than I loved her. And with the OW, I definitely loved her more than she loved me. <P>I don't know if any of this contributes to affairs, but I thought it was an interesting question nonetheless.<P>--andy

Airheart,<BR>I think I have loved my H more, or at least made the relationship a higher priority, or maybe defined myself more by it than he did/does. I hate to accuse him of not loving as much, because it is so hard to know how he feels, he does such a lousy job of showing his feelings. I think he has always been every bit as much as committed to the idea of our marriage and our family (even during the affair, strangely).<P>I think the OW really pursued him and he never had any real emotional affection for her, just a combination of intrigue, then guilt and a bit of pity.<P>Don't know what this says about affairs. There's lots of ways to look at it.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

It's hard to measure love. I used to feel loved by wife wife. I used to feel I was on top of the world with how she treated me sometimes. <P>I'm sure I gave her good and bad times too. <P>I know now that I am doing my best to show her I love her on a daily basis. She is giving me what she can right now which quantity wise isn't much, but I'll take crumbs over starvation.<P>Keep in mind, that just becuase someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.<P>SHA

Hi Andy,<P>I've always felt my husband loved me more. <P>With the OM I truly felt our love was equal. But I guess in the end I loved him more since he finally said goodbye to me.<P>I do feel I loved the OM more than I ever loved my husband even in the beginning with my husband.

In the earlier years of our marriage I know he loved me more than I loved him. I held some resentments that carried through in my treatment of him. The last five years have been really "busy", so I didn't really think that much about it, but he still wasn't my top priority. The affair, boom. I took him for granted and didn't see the danger signs of our marriage drifting further apart. I've learned one hell of a lesson. Whether or not we make it back, I've learned a lot about relationships and what it takes to make them work.

I used to feel that in most marriage, there was one person who loved more, and one who gave more.<P>I used to feel that my H loved me more than I loved him, but that I gave him more than he gave me. It achieved a strange sort of balance. When he started going to PSBFH as a confidante and possibly more, it upset that balance.<P>I've felt vulnerable ever since.

I always thought my husband loved me more, I felt rushed into marriage. However, i think I always tried harder to be the good wife, etc. I guess he just figured that love would take care of everything or that I loved him as much as he loved me so he didn't need to do anything else.

Boy! does this question hit a button with me!<P>If there is anything that we get fed in our society it is the concept of equality. H and W must share the house work, raising the kids, the career, etc. If someone or group excel at something, academics, sports, or financially the "playing field must be leveled". On it goes. I don't think people realize how much they buy into this, unless specifically questioned and then most agree that equality is not really valid.<P>Equality is a mathematical concept. It is true that you cannot tell one electron, proton, oxygen atom etc from another, but in complex systems (snowflakes on up) there is no such thing. Balance may be a better goal but if you study nature, balance is only a temporal thing. Change is always there.<P>Having blown off some steam, let me ask why you would think that love would be equally given in a relationship? First, each person gives, preceives, and receives love differently (genetics, upbringing, past experiences). Further, each of us is changing, aging, learning, etc. The need for love depends very much on our situation at the time.<P>I once heard someone say that marriage is not a 50-50 proposition it is 100 - 100. Each must give all they have and realize that 100% from one person will not be the same as another. Always thought that made sense. <P>Janie may have expressed it best. She did not really give H as much love, then moved to a busy (I am not concerned) point. H moved to someplace else. Now she wants the love and is willing to give it and H is sort of in her original position (not very commited). In my observations, this type of constant change is common but maybe not as extreme as Janie or other cases here.<P>Airheart, I think you should rejoice that you have someone that loves you and maybe loves more than you love them. It will change. I would like you to consider Facing Choices. SHe had an affair, had OM baby, finally told H. She thought H did not love her. His response was to try to make the marriage work and wants to raise the baby as his own. He turned out to love her more than she can/could of imagined. We can really never tell what our spouses think with regard to this subject.<P>Off of my soap box now. Good question Airheart.

i thought it was equal. ours was an absolute fairystory with fireworks. ive never felt anything like it. i regret every mean spirited thing i ever said to him that drove him away from me, and i mourn the loss daily, yet at the same time, at this moment, i want out of this crap as fast as i can run. i can't forgive him one more time.

Thanks everyone for all the responses so far. I think it's a very interesting question, one that I've thought about alot throughout my years of marriage. Hopefully, more responses will come!<P>--andy

I don't think that love is something you can measure. My kids ask me a similar question - which one of us do you love most? I tell them that I don't love one more than another, that I love each of them with all my heart. I don't think it is possible to love someone a little bit - you either do or you don't.

I agree with Just Learning. I think that it goes around back and forth with time. At some point in your life you are more IN LOVE with your spouse than they are with you (or at least the marriage is MORE of a priority to them), and then it switches, your spouse is more involved in the marriage than you. It all goes back to what is going on in your life at the time and how you've grown in the marriage. But I think we need to realize that it is true just because someone doesn't love us the way we THINK they should doesn't mean they don't love us. (unless emotional and physical abuse is involved ofcourse)!

Dear Airheart:<BR>Interesting question. When I think back, all the men that I loved more that them, they cheated. This is including my husband. Except for one instance, where I did have a boyfriend who really loved me more than life. Unfortuanelty and stupidly, I left him to go back to an ex-fiance who I almost married and who I was with for 3 years. I really don't know if there is a coincidence or rather to link the two of them together. I would probably say so. Afterall, look at George Burns who loved his wife soooo much, he never stopped talking about her (Gracie) and never got remarried. That was an ultimate love. I am sure there are others like this. There is no ultimate love then the love that is shared on an equal capacity. It is rare, from what I read and for myself, to have had the same love as strong, and returned as strong between two partners. How much better the world would be, I suppose, if we had just that kind of love.

I agree somewhat with Just Learning. How can you judge what is 100% from anyone and how do you know if your 100% is more than theirs?<P>I don't think anyone truly gives 100% anyway. To all those that say they do...are you sure there wasn't something else you could have done? Did you say I love you? Did you give them a kiss and hug? How about flowers or a gift? A compliment? <P>No one can give 100% no matter how hard they try, because always something else that can be done. But you can try your best to reach 100%, kind of like a goal. In trying to reach that I think the love would be equal.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Hi Andy,<BR>I wonder if we are confusing the question about how much one loves another with the question of who is the "kisser" and who is the "kissee" in a relationship (not talking just physically - but who is more the pursuer /dominant partner and who is more the receiver/submissive partner). To me, this does not at all imply that the "kisser" loves more or the "kissee" loves less. But that there are different ways of giving and recieving love and that it is not something you can realistically quantify.<P>

I always thought that I loved H more than he loved me. Maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe those feelings came from what I expect someone to do if they love me. That was where the communication broke down for us. I thought if he didn't show affection then I had to do without. All the things I did to show love were not what he wanted, but he never steered me in a different direction. Maybe it was equal love, but the perception is where we differ. <P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

airheart--i don't know if you know me <BR>but i have followed many of your posts<BR>and respect your opinions...i have been<BR>working hard to learn about my problems<BR>and how to try to rebuild my marriage i<BR>am a betrayer my original post was on<BR>10/15 although i have been working on the site for about 3 weeks...i have been trying to get my wife here since i have<BR>found this wonderful support group a lifesaver for me...i am happy to say she<BR>has just posted my story under the name<BR>life...could you do me a solid and read<BR>her post and respond to her she is new<BR>here and any response you might send i <BR>know will be honest...thanks much peace<BR>and love ...trying hard

It's interesting how alot of people start to talk about the meaning of love and giving 100% and what's going on in your life at whatever time and all that other stuff, meanwhile totally avoiding answering the question. <P>Really, my question is a simple one but it is also tough for us to look at I think, and maybe hard to admit to. It's <B>ALL</B> about perceptions. No matter what you all say, you all perceive how much you love your spouse and how much your spouse loves you. It's all a matter of perceptions.<P>--andy

trying hard,<P>I have seen your postings around, but unfortunately my time is limited so I haven't really responded to you in the past. Sorry about that!<P>Yes I will definitely read your wife's post and try to respond!<P>--andy

Andy,<BR> I would have to say that I loved my W more,because I never could have cheated on her,or hurt her like that.It seemed I was always doing little things for her,but I didn't get much back for my efforts.We can take this one step further.I also believe the one who is stronger,more independant,outgoing,can't handle criticism,and doesn't feel the need to put much into the marriage,is the one who needs the relationship the least.That is,perhaps the one to cheat,leave,or want a divorce.This how I feel about my W.I'm not exactly sure when she fell out of love with me,but maybe the last few years.Of course,now she says she was never truly in love with me like she is with"The Kid". --Murph