How excatly do I get a DNA test done without letting my H know?? It's a cheek swab. I don't know any other way to get one done without him knowing.

Why would you sneak around to get a DNA test?

Speaking as a BH, getting over fact that my FWW chose to involve herself in a PA was difficult enough for me to accept, and even now, 5 years after D-Day, I still struggle at times, wondering if I made the right decision to recover.

If she had added to that burden an additional one of three years of choosing to deceive me about the paternity of a child that I thought was mine, frankly, I think I would have gone completely crazy.

You have placed an INCREDIBLE burden of pain on your H. I'm sorry, but I really didn't get the impression from your post that you recognize this much, if at all.

I'm not. That wasn't what I was trying to say. Man nothing I say comes out right... I was trying to figure out why they would say to get another DNA test done without telling H. I don't think you can.

I've wanted to get another DNA test done, a legit test done, not a threw the mail test. But they on site tests are alot of money and H don't see the point in getting another one done. I guess he dont want to see it come back and say out son isn't his or it's just about the money... im not sure why he don't want to do another one.

I'm sorry if everyone felt that I was trying to blame my H and that I didn't understand and accept that what I did was horrible because I do. I just didn't want to write an enitre page to try and explain everything. Plus I was on here before and went over all that and didn't feel the need to go over and over trying to make you people understand that I feel remorse. And yes I'm probably not expressing myself in words very well but I try to just ask what I'm dealing with at that moment not go into my whole situation every single time.

I don't think it's about blaming your H, but more about understanding and showing empathy for what your H is going through. I didn't sense that from your post.

MM,

You never answered my question about deployment. What is the situation with your H and deployment? Many men come back and have a hard time adjusting. Throw in your situation and this may be more than he can handle, particularly if he is dealing with issues from the deployment.

I know he won't want to address this, but I personally know a few young men, marines that have several deployments into combat zones and came back with PTSD. They actually had to be treated for it and it came close to braking up their families.

I look forward to your answer.

God Bless,

JL

Do not worry, I will not read nor post here again. If you only want to hear "you are right!" you will have a hard time finding that here, tho..

I was not talking about your intentions, but your way of processing and communicating. O.K.- in MB terms, communicating with your H with constant justification is a real LB-- if you mean to infer the criticism it or not.

How can I twist words when I did not alter your writings at all? I just pointed out key phrases and sentances that YOU wrote... sorry..

I did not say you were a "piece of crap", nor should you feel like one.

You are miles from where you need to be, in your thinking about personal recovery. You have to start there. I will let the other kind posters and readings here guide you through the rest.

Good luck to you.
PS MIM: I am talking not about "blame for the A", but a constant justfication/onice <sp? for the issues that are destroying the current relationship. I personly figured this out the hard way.

Hm. I thought barbiecat was the author of the first piece of good, constructive advice you received. She wrote on your first page:



Please don't call for the cavalry and then shoot them down for coming.

If it helps, my experience is: if I feel inordinately emotional about something, (especially anger, defensiveness, guilt), I stop and try to honestly figure out why. Am I mad to cover up my own failings? Do I have problems to address on my own instead of being so defensive toward others?

This is hard. It takes repeated humility and keeping your eyes on the prize. And on the right path to getting there. You've got that path with MB, I think, now it's up to you.

I don't think anyone likes to keep being put down over and over no matter they might have done. We got on here 2 yrs ago when this all came out but both my H and I quit coming here because yes there were people on here that would give good advice and did it with tack but then people get on here and basically make you feel like crap even though you already feel bad and all they really do is hurt. Then when I get on here and voice how I'm feeling or about what's happening GOD forbid because everythings all my fault and even though I trid and tried I can't do everything on my own and think there is going to be any real improvments. Yes I understand the automatic response is to jump to my H's defense but none of you really know everything that is going on and the more I try to explain the more everything slaps me down and says basically I don't have a right to be happy I should just have to suffer for the rest of my life because of my mistake and I should feel like crap. I don't know how many more times I can say that I already do hate what I did and wish like hell I could change what happend but I can't and I have to move on and not dwell on what I can't change but just make sure I never put myself in that situation again and work on my marriage. But nobody seems to care and it's all about how I hurt my H and for crying out loud, of course someone would get defensive if all they are getting is your wrong your wrong.

When my H got on here it's not like anyone helped him either it was all OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, I can't believe that happend, I couldn't raise another man's child, I would leave, blah blah blah...... HOW IS THAT HELPING???

And yes I know someone is going to say im lashing out at other's and not accepting blame blah blah blah..... that about all I ever hear. It seems everyone expects me to lay down and I should let my H walk over me for the rest of my life and god forbid if I say that he is doing something wrong how dare I. He couldn't do anything wrong everything is all my fault even if I didn't do anything at that moment but because of what happend it's all going to be my fault for the rest of my life. REALLY???

ok, I will try one more time:

I don't doubt that your extreme defensiveness is what your BH hears, too.

We are trying to tell you that if you want to save your fatally damaged marriage, you will have to do a few things all by yourself:

1) Drop the anger, frustration and defensiveness. Replace it with kindness, humility and empathy instead.

2) Stop SAYING how sorry you are, and SHOW your BH through your ACTIONS that you truly are sorry for betraying him. What are those actions? They are kindness, humility and empathy.

And if you consider "humility" to be the same as "humiliation" - if you consider "being humble" to be the same as "crawling" or "eating sh*t" - then I suggest, in all seriousness, that you get good professional counseling to help you understand the difference between "humility" and "humiliation."

I suspect this is the root of the problem. You show no humility because you consider that to be punishment, crawling, eating crap, etc. etc. etc.

But without humility there can be no remorse.

Without remorse there can be no empathy.

Without empathy there is zero chance of recovering your marriage.

I hope you will think about this.

My wife's affair in 2008 produced our first, and so far only child. I am attempting recovery and trying to raise the OC as my own. So I believe I may have a unique perspective on your situation.

First I will attempt to answer you actual question.

"Why Now"?


There are three possible reasons.

1. A BS going through recovery will go through phases such as anger, hopelessness, hope, peace, acceptance, etc, etc. And a BS can bounce from one to the other randomly. This can last up to 5yrs and in a case like yours with an OC as a first child and a deception about paternity it could take LONGER! This may simply be one of the stages of recovery, and may pass in time.

Just work to be the best wife you can be and meet every emotional need you can.

2. He has simply come to the conclusion that after two years of trying to accept what has happened that he simply cant. Some BS's cant get over the betrayal, no matter how much they want too. This is even more possible in a case where adultery has produced an OC.

Just work to be the best wife you can be and meet every emotional need you can.

3. He has meet someone else and is at a minimum having a one sided Emotional Affair.

Snoop and find out.





Now, on too what others are saying.
They are not slamming you, they are saying you need to change the way you think about your affair for your own good. Weather you see it or not, your post's are full of justifications for your affair, and finger pointing as too why your recovery is not going as planned.

Your Husband can also pick up on this, and let me tell you, after a wile it gets old.

For example, if you have ever uttered the sentence
"I know what I did was wrong, but (Put any text you want here)" Then you really, really, just have absolutely no idea what you actually did, and how much damage you did.

You need to change your way of thinking so that sentence goes
"I know what I did was wrong, and there is no excuse for it"
And there should be no "Buts" following it, anywhere.

Does any of this make sense?

I really like what you wrote Gack

I read this entire thread twice. Please point out the specific posts, sentences or posters that can support the above statements. I did not see them.

You were rightfully questioned about your seeming lack of empathy for your husband and his emotional situation. You were asked a couple of respectful questions that you ignored.



You clearly are too defensive to handle the self introspection and personal accountability usually recommended by the members of this forum.

I would recommend you seek help directly from the Harleys.

Good luck to you and your husband.

Marinemom,

Nobody is telling you you have to suffer for the rest of your life and have no right to be happy. Nobody has even said anything like that.

It is clear that you are not listening to what people are telling you, because you are upset at them for things they never did say.

Unless you can learn to listen, you probably won't be able to get the help you are looking for.

MM,
I am NOT going to put you down, or attack you, or judge you in any way. Why? Because I recognize that the fact that I was at one time a BS does NOT imbue me with a holier-than-thou aura that brings with it omniscience and great wisdom. Would that everyone on this site took that disclaimer seriously.

Here is what I have to offer:

Your situation cries out for honesty from your husband. It may well be that that honesty will bring with it more pain than you can bear. I believe your husband recognizes that his pysche is unable, at least at this time, to accept the existance of the child in question under his (shared) care. I give him credit for manfully trying to endure such feelings for the time since he learned of the child's parentage.

What triggered his new (expressed) resentment is not specifically evident to me here in cyberland, but can probably be surmised. One of the constants in life is that children grow and develop. It is one thing to consider an OC as an infant, merely eating and sleeping, and be able to suppress the underlying resentment. (Who can't endure a baby, whatever its source?) Now the OC is walking, talking, reasoning, acting and behaving as a human, and the knowledge of that growth and development, with its ongoing reminders that the OC is not learning, growing, etc, as a continuation of your husband's genetic line, is probably too much for him to accept.

So, if he cannot bear to be with the OC, is there any feasible way to continue to be with you? No, because there is (my assumption) ZERO chance that you would decide to give up you child as a condition to retain your husband (I'm not suggesting it, just pointing out the imbalance you're asking him to accept.) Millions of years of human development have conditioned you to nurture almost any children, and him to reject raising those that are not his.

Sometimes our mistakes are irrepairable. It would have been grand if your husband had had the fortitude to believe that raising another man's child could be validating to your husband, in that at least his values and beliefs, if not his DNA, would go into that OC's future accomplishments. If he cannot accept that, if he cannot take that charitable view, then I see little hope for your future together.

JL,

He has deployed but just stayed on ship never saw any action and that was back on 06. When he came back there were no problems.

I was on the other hand was diganosed with ptsd due to my deployment (we were attacked) and due to the sudden death of my young niece right after my son was born. I was on meds but am no longer.

I don't think his deployment is an issue because he actually wants to be deployed over to the sandbox instead of on a ship again he don't feel his deployment was a real one.

It is so silly to let this situation continue without being certain of your son's paternity.

To be clear: I don't think that your recovery will be assured simply because a reliable test shows your son to be H's. I know as a BS that recovering from a spouse's betrayal is sometimes impossible even when no OC is involved.

Am I right in saying that you were separated at the time of the affair? If so, while married is still married and you should not have had an affair, separation is sometimes treated by spouses as being "free". I can see that you might not have seen things in 2004 as you see them now, having found MB.

From what I understand, you used contraception every time with OM, and that is why, when you discovered your pregnancy, you did not think that the child could be his. When you reunited with your H, you did not tell him either about the affair or that the child might not be his. Both decisions were wrong, and I know you acknowledge that now.

However, you have always doubted the veracity of the test, because it showed many markers that were similar to your H's markers. Additionally, your H and OM are of different racial backgrounds, and yet both you and your H believed this child to be H's, until the affair was made known. Your son must look similar to your H to some degree for that to have happened. Does your son look similar to your daughter? Given that race is a factor, does it not show?

(You don't have to give me details of the racial difference, just whether, in your opinion, it shows or not.)

It would be unjustifiable for your H to leave the daughter that he knows IS his, because he thinks that your son is not his, when in fact he might be. This is all for the want of a proper test, which you have not managed to do for 2 years.

It might be possible to get a covert cheek swab done by taking your H's toothbrush (and getting him another!) Change all the family's toothbrushes at the same time and say that they needed changing. Please do all you can to get that test done.

If the test comes back as before with no match to your H, then you must face the fact that he does not seem to be able to care for another man's child. And, as I said, if the test shows that your son is also H's, this does not solve the problem of your affair and marital recovery.

There are also strong indications that your H has had an affair since D Day. That too must be investigated - but the test is critical. GET THIS DONE!

thank you Gack1 & neverguessed and everyone else. I know I am very defensive and I do get mad when I view peoples harsh comments as attacking me. I have viewed many replies as saying I should suffer and take all H anger and shut up because I had the A and that's that. It comes across that way to me. Yes I think I do need help myself for many reasons but I guess I've tried to deal with H's feelings and issues and not my own. I guess to me I've been trying and H hasn't when that isn't the case otherwise he wouldn't be here. Yes I do think he needs more help but I realized when H said he was leaving that I was naive and I wasn't really doing much to help. All I did was complain about him never being home, his anger, and him not helping with the house. Why would he want to come home when all we did was fight. I do see that now I really need to change but I'm afraid that I woke up too late. I do fear that there is another woman and a EA behind why the sudden change. How do you go from hugging saying I love you in the morning and then that afternoon say I'm done. That's why I see is as sudden. I know there is more going on than just H can't deal with OC. I think it's a combination of everything, yes our son could be the root but not the cause. I don't know if anyone understands what I mean. I think the fights, my lack of understanding (or caring) for his work hours, me not meeting his PN adding to the fire and made everything worse. I want to believe that if everything else was good in our M, I was meeting all his needs, EN and PN, that he would have a easier time dealing with his feelings about OC. H says he loves OC and considers him his son and no matter what H is his dad. That is why I think H wanting to leave is more about the other issues than just the OC. I don't know if I've explained it well enough for you to understand what I mean. And I in no way meant for it to be taken that the OC being born isn't a problem for my H so please don't take it that way.

Sugarcane, thank you I understand what your saying and I'll have to look into whether it can be done that way so not to give false hope to my H. Thank you I'll call around about that tomorrow. I don't want people to think I am trying to lie to my H by doing this without is knowledge but just I need the other test for me to be certain.

when it comes to the racial difference i'm white, my H is spainish and the OM was black. Bothe children to me look alike at least when i compare baby pics. My son has more or my nose and my daughter has more of my husbands and that is a major factor as to why H says he don't see him in our son.