[quote=want_it_to_work]
The OM doesn't have family here and is not married...he's 23 and all his family is back in Syria.
[quote]

I could only imagine how a syrian mother would react to her son tearing apart a family, nope no culture gap there. I can see a contact problem though.

If he is 23 then I would suggest messaging his Facebook friends.

well i meant the cultural gap of me now telling her father and he could just say that I'm not a good Muslim (which I'm not one at all) and just come home....

BUT, I think he's smarter than that even though he's very religious. Our family and our son is at stake here.

It's been an interesting couple of days. We've slept in the same bed the past two nights and she has been significantly more affectionate and the anger seems to have subsided almost completely. She apologized for saying the hurtfull things she said and stated she was angry at herself for saying them. She still seems to have dark moments where she is maybe feeling guilty, but I'm not sure. She is also still a bit cold at times, nowhere near any of the affection she used to give me, which I understand she is still going through withdrawal.

I'm being a bit more hands-off. I still am giving her affection and being loving, but trying to provide some space for her to breathe. I'm keeping the kitchen immaculate. She has gone out to meet with friends for dinner the past two nights in a row (I know for sure she is with them) so I know that helps her get her mind off of things a bit and she asks me if I mind if she goes, to which I tell her "of course not" - even thought inside it kills me not to be around her for 1 second.

This morning I politely asked her why she still keeps her phone on silent, which she never used to do. She said she doesn't like any of the ring tones, which is a stupid answer of course. But, I then heard her from the other room scrolling through the rings to try to find one to use...so at least she seemed to respect that question and take some action.

She's not near as active on her computer now so little evidence of any communication with OM besides her phone, which isn't easy to snoop on. Otherwise, I think she really wants to get past this and start moving forward but, again, she's still feeling the withdrawal symptons and guilt and I'm just going to try to love her the best way I can yet be strong for me and our son and for her. In the middle of reading "Love Must Be Tough" so getting some ideas from there, but really waiting on the Dr.Harly books I ordered to arrive.

any ideas?

That's really good, but you should still not trust her.

Keep snooping, never stop that, when you do find out that she is still contacting the OM, don't confront her, just keep going in plan A.

Right now you are in plan A, so keep doing that just becuase she is showing you more affection, and being with you more, doesn't mean she is ready to recover the M.

Give it a month or so to either decide what you want, either a dark plan B if she is still contacting OM or if she found a new guy (that might happen, I know I found another EA months after my frist) or if she is still giving affection and you haven't found any other evidence that she's contacted the OM then set up some new boundaries to make sure she wont have another A in the future, some things I recommend...

1. 20 UA
2. Read HNHN together
3. MC with Steve Harley
4. Transparency, you have all access to emails, FB, phone etc.
5. Open and honesty, no more lies, she has to tell you where she is at all times.
6. She can not have any male friends

You can make up some more if you'd like I just wanted to give you some examples, but remember you are in plan A, don't have any expectations right now, do not think you are in a recovery.

A recovery only starts when you sit down and discuss your new EP's not when she comes back and "pretends" nothing happened.

Remember...keep snooping, even if you have to get a GPS on her car and something to put on your computer to make sure you know what she is doing on it, even if she is not on it that long.

Thanks Sapphire. I already know everything she's doing on the computer because I have eblaster spywear on it. I got phone logs today but they only go up until 6/28, so I'll get some more the end of this week.

All that being said, we just had lunch together (at her own suggestion) and did some discussing. I told her I called her father and had a discussion with him today and she wanted to know every detail of course. She then just proceeded to tell me about how I hurt her in the past, had no respect for her, and that she needs to find her center before she can move forward with 'us'. I just kind of kept knodding my head and acknowledging her, even when some of what she was saying was complete fog talk.

She mentioned she isn't talking to the OM except she told him to tell her 'what happens' to him if and anything does...so she isn't really NC yet. She's scared that he's going to get kicked out of the country and sent back home because I talked to his boss. That would make her angry for 'ruining' his life, as she put it. I mentioned it was him that was chasing a married woman...but she doesn't want to hear that right now.

So, I'm still doing my Plan A stuff and monitoring and snooping best I can. I know she checked his Facebook page just this morning. But, I'll just keep watching and waiting and giving her that little bit of space that she thinks she wants, too.

I look forward to getting to the stage where we can set those boundries and actually do those recommendations you mentioned, Sapphire. I received my MB books in the mail today, as well.

Sorry to say this...but your wife doesn't sound she wants to recover, she is afraid of losing you and the OM, so therefore she will keep on with the cake-eating and fog babble, better start preparing for plan B. Like I said give it another month or two. You will see!

I agree with you Saph. I'm giving it time for sure. I have hope she will come around.

How else should I be acting though, and should I continue to try to get him to stop contact from his end if I find more proof of it happening?

At what point to I ask her to block his facebook, etc (having already asked her to before)?

Other then being in plan A, I wouldn't confront her if she contacts him again, that will be another LB, just know that she will, do not have any expectations. If she acts the same and you are fed up that is where plan B starts.

You have already contacted the OM twice no? That is more then enough times to confront him, if he is still contacting her, which I know he will be, then don't let it get to you, you knew this was going to happen in plan A.

Just work your plan A as best as you can, then follow it by a plan B if she is not willing to change, making sure your plan A is the best you can do will surely help you in plan B, once she realizes what she will lose will be a big eye opener for her.

It was for me, it only took me 6 hours, but that is my, everyone is different, I know there are people on the forums who have been in plan B for 6 months. Don't let that discourage you though, plan B is not for your WW it is solely for you only! To keep the remaining $LB you have before you lose everything, all the great memories of your wife.

As long as you remember your plan, you are totally set.

Is there anyone else you can expose the A with? If not then just focus on plan A and yourself, remember no expectations from your wife, she is still a wayward, and will still justify what she did to you.

Recovery occurs when the Wayward changes their thoughts and actions. NC may be technically happening, but dwelling on the affair does not guarantee recovery.

Do the best you can at changing yourself, continue plan A, don't forget both the carrot and stick of plan A. Prepare a Plan B letter, hopefully it will not have to be used, but at least you prepared.

Now here comes the roller coaster of emotions and events. The ups and downs, the forward and backward stepping. The false recovery? The full fleged recovery? Have no expectations during this time.

Oh boy do I remember the roller coaster ride when we were in our "FR" When I told him that I would stop contact...did i? Nope! The contact actually INCREASED!!

Just remember there are people here who can help you.

OK, so no more confronting about the OM at all... I can do that and I can do it for a good while I think...I'm quite a patient person. I can also maintain the Carrot for a while, as well. Her own sister is saying like 2 weeks, but I know I can go longer than that. My change has been very abrupt and obvious and she sees it 100%....so much so that she says it is awkward and makes her feel uncomfortable (which is when I turned it down just a bit).

I actually confronted in person the OM 3 times and his boss same day as the third time.

Going to get more phone records this week. That will be the real eye opener about what she's doing vice what she's telling me, because she's very wary on the computer now.

she says me being loving and affectionate feels awkward. I've toned it down some since a couple of weeks ago, but otherwise should I keep doing it?

Yes. Let her approach you.

Read up on "fireproofing" your marriage. I believe there is a book called "The Love Dare". The hero leaves little notes and makes coffee and breakfast for his wife.

He clears up his own bad habits.

This is precisely what Dr Harley recommends. No love busters and meeting her emotional needs. Right now she does not want you touching her.

OK. I've been trying to do a good job of keeping up the house and just doing stuff to keep me busy, making the bed up, taking care of our son, etc.

I have been touching her somewhat more, but not nearly like the first week. She still kisses me goodnight and when I go to work, etc. Last night she seemed like she wanted to cuddle some while sleeping, so I obliged of course.

I text her nice things, say enjoy your lunch, etc. But, don't usually get much in return. She told me a few days ago if I had been acting like this 3 months ago we wouldn't be in this situation right now.

How do you not touch someone but still meet their emotional needs and not love bust without seeming to be cold from my side?

another thing, one of her big 'emotional needs' is Honesty and Openness. When she finds out I talked to someone like her sister or father and didn't tell her about it it upsets her. But, it also upsets her when I tell her...so I don't know what to do. I keep telling them not to tell her I talked to them, but again if she finds out about this I'm afraid I'm Love Busting...so how do I snoop and talk to people without LB'ing?

Next question. I'm a bit confused about NC yet still being in Plan A. I read from some that until NC is established that I shouldn't be acting like everything is ok, then others say just to Plan A your socks off until you can't handle it anymore and go dark Plan B.

I know I said I won't bring up the NC anymore because she knows how I feel about it, but should I just continue Plan A'ing as if otherwise it's alright?

You plan A to get WW to end the affair and NC the OM.

What's confusing?

I think it would be proper that you tell her she is not to conduct her affair in front of you or in the home. Means not phone, text, im, email OM in front of you.

If she does then call her on it.

Thanks. As far as I know, she doesn't do it in front of me at all. I know she is still checking his FB, etc though when I'm not around. As for the phone, I'll know more about that tomorrow when I pick up the phone logs from the company.