I want to add that sometimes making the effort can mean much more than actually doing the task.

My W doesn't like the games I play. But I appreciate the effort she has put forth in trying some of them. If they're not her thing, then fine. I appreciate that she tried.

She also tried to buy a game for me as a gift. She was off the mark, but I really, really appreciated that she tried. I gave her ideas for the future or I openly express which games I want so she has an idea on what to buy.

I try to listen to her on her likes and desires as well. I have no real interest in the TV shows she likes, but I'll sit and watch some with her so I can at least hear updates from her and know what she's interested in. Some of the shows are interesting in small doses, such as The Bachlorette or Millinoaire Matchmaker. I wouldn't necessarily want to watch this myself, but can watch it once in a while with her.

It's all give and take. I love talk radio. I won't force my W to sit through and listen to nothing but. So I'll ask her or be sensitive to the fact that we've driven a certain amount of time, I'll switch it over to her music station now.

Meet each other half way and you'll be much happier. He doesn't have to like everything you do or transform into Mr Conversation and you don't need to become the most feared player in Halo 3 muliplayer. Sometimes just the effort means a lot.

Thank you, HTLD, for these long and thoughtful responses! I shall try to answer at least some of your thoughts/questions.


Dunno. I guess I have always been that way - not sure about myself and my worthiness, needing constant reassurance. It is not just from H; I always gloat when someone praises me. (In our country, we have a saying 'Praise a fool and the fool will work his a$$ off'; quite a literal translation. Well, that's exactly me.)

I am beginning to understand that it really is about me changing, not him changing.. :S


You are right, he was content and really amazed as to when I started falling off the boat; as far as he was concerned, everything was good enough up to my confession.

Well, I have been reading Mark's Memory management thread and I now know more than to state anything with confidence. I know I have a terrible memory, tending to remember emotions rather than the actual situation itself; emotions again so much depend on the circumstances that they are not trustworthy at all and can be modified with time.

I think now that I felt he was detached and distant and I just could not reach out to him. I felt he was not helping around the house (at least not as much as I would have wanted - but I did not say it to him). I felt that he was participating with children less than I would have expected and was not doing it happily. I think I felt that he was not happy with me.

But I as a (f?)ww cannot be trusted with my memories and emotions. It might well be that I have created them in the past months in order to cope with the A and justify it to myself.


Yep, I am beginning to understand it and act accordingly.


I can see that too, now
I used to be juuuust a bit disappointed at just "Ok" and decide that ok, if you don't want to talk, then let's not... a straw of resentment adding to the pile... How stupid.


Right again and I have been beginning to realise this lately myself. Good of you to bring it up and verbalise, though!

Efforts are good, efforts are actually fantastic... firstly, they show that one cares and secondly, you never know that you (don't) like something unless you have tried, right?

I just wish that I would have the attention to notice every effort and not dismiss them for being too small.


I'll keep looking... He has played it, but if I remember correctly (and from other games of Warcraft series) it had way too much ketchup in it :P

Yeah, he has played it a couple of times, I watched, but not all the time. It was fun, though! We both enjoyed the humour in it. (The last song is hilarious!)

But the sequel (next year) will hopefully be worth trying together.



Hmm, actually worth thinking about. "Minor" drawbacks are lack of appropriate funds and sufficient space... Hopefully in a couple of years?

Hm... I actually have had the same viewpoint for ages. But now, reading some of the advice and threads on MB site, it seems as if nearly all RC-time should be spent together rather than alone? Or perhaps I have just misunderstood the message?

Yes, I think that it already is like that - or maybe even less often. Roughly calculating, there are less than 10 weeks per year when we go out / have company over for twice or more per week. If I am not remembering falsely, our social events happen usually like once or twice per month, it depends of course.


Thank you for these beautiful and reassuring passages!
I know I have edit: have had and sometimes still have a hard time accepting some of the everyday crazyness and having to postpone my own self... but eventually, this all will pass. I shall keep it in mind. Thanks.

Hi again,

Despite months of silence I have been hanging around this site almost daily, devouring all this precious information and internalizing it. So I thought a short Xmasy update would be in place

I think we are doing really great. A little short of RC/UA time, but we have pretty much all the evenings after the kids are in bed and I actually feel we are really connected all the time - something that I didn't feel a year or two ago (even before any notion of an upcoming EA). We talk much more and intimately, we touch each other, we are close... it is lovely. Occasionally I find myself planning or doing some IBs, but at least I notice them and make corrections; all in all, we are pretty good at practicing POJA, and PORH as well.

In September, our DS3 (now DS4) was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes, that brought some additional stress (e.g. finding babysitters is much tougher, hence the lack of UA time away from home). But I should say that we can manage.

A month or so ago, I finally received some Dr Harley books (had to order them through an intermediary country, so it took really long). I read SAA and have almost finished HNHNFP; LB, HNHN and 5steps are waiting for their turn. After so much time spent on this site, though, there is not much new information

As for NC... you can read or recall that I had trouble understanding the need for changing my mobile#. Well, I did change it in September and also deleted the E-mail account that OM knew. I came to the conclusion that it really was the only option - and have suggested it to others in similar situations as well (it really is quite unthinkable here in our country, especially as you can take your old number with you when you change the mobile service provider). I put my blog under password when I noticed that he started to visit it.

We didn't move, though, and last week I got a package... At first I was certain that it was from my friend = DS4-s godmother in Germany. It was not until I had already accepted the package that I saw by whom it was ordered. I panicked a bit First thought was confusion, second thought - what would DH think and feel about this. I told him immediately and naturally said I would wait for him to get home before deciding together what to do (him getting the decisive vote, of course).

We didn't send it back. Instead, we opened it; there was a gift basket with foodstuff. We'll take it to my parents' home for Xmas - DH said that he didn't have any emotional problems eating the stuff. Perhaps some of you would think differently; for us, no contact would be best maintained just that way.

One more thing concerning triggers (thanks to Mark1952 for extensive enlightenment on the topic!). OM was from another country and I started to officially study his language because of him (I knew quite a bit beforehand, but I had no systematic knowledge). So when the affair ended, I thought about ending the studies, as it would probably serve as a trigger for both DH and me. But as my sister also lives in that country, her DH and his family speaks the language, we would eventually and repeatedly have some contact with the language... we decided that it was better to continue my studies and thus change the trigger, so that the language and the country will not remind of OM any more. At first, it was awkward, but soon this faded and now this is not a trigger any more at all.

Sorry for the long post, some more words though... Thanks to this web site and to you all, I have had the wisdom to notice potential problems in my siblings' relationships and to give some (solicited) advice that would be usually regarded as counter-intuitive in our individualist society. Won't go into details, but I think this advice gotten from here has helped them avoid major trouble in the future. I really am grateful to this site! I have been spreading the ideas on the forum of a local family site as well - not always received with enthusiasm, but I have hopefully planted some seeds. Let the teaching of Dr Harley spread

So... a merry Xmas time to you all! I am planning to hang around here on my scarce spare time further on as well

Hi Sparkler,

From what I've read so far it seems to me that we come from the same part of the world:-) While internet being a human right here we still need to wait the books for ages, plus they cost us extra because of the toll charges! BTW, have you downloaded MB radioshows? Excellent stuff - http://richwith.com/mb/radio/, new shows under the same link.

Reading about your reluctancy to change your phone number and leaving some loophopes in your NC plan just wanted me to warn you, because I was like you in many ways. Infidelity is a "gift" that just keeps "giving" and once you have been down that road you must be extra willing and extra careful because you're prone to that kind of behaviour. FWIW, I've realised that EVERYTHING that links to OW must be cut off. Even if your OM is a foreigner - there's ALWAYS someone you know who knows him, there is a good chance that OM sends you greetings, for instance. Of course, you didn't initiate this, but that won't matter, this LOOPHOLE is YOUR responsibility. I got a gift not from OM but from a people I worked with, and these people also worked closely to him. I needed to destroy it. I eventually needed to fill my ex-colleague into the fact that I had an affair so she won't be so eager anymore to let me know about greetings and all "good words" from a man I cheated my H with! It was one time thing, but this was breaking NC. I also thought how can I avoid telling the truth to my ex-colleague, once I realised there is no better way to put an end to it, I finally did it and I'm free now.
I left the job, changed phone number, e-mails, and I think, I feel that eventually we need to move, farther away, too, change the environment entirely. And we live in a different country, too. Your H may seem to accept this type of NC you have, but it may start contaminating YOU. Of course, people are different, but be aware of your enemy - he is not just a simple enemy to your H or family, marriage or kids. He is your worst enemy. Remember - he used to have the greatest power over you once. If I were you I would have thrown the package to the garbage bin - why give OM the pleasure to let someone, anyone enjoy his present?

Merry Christmas, hope that the stress won't eat you up!

Thank you for your answer, Niitse I have actually suspected that first thing for a long time now, just didn't want to blow your cover. The spelling of your name is just so... unmistakably ourlanguageish And come to think of it... I don't remember, but it might have actually been you who led me here; I just know I found the address from another family counselling site; might it have been you? Thank you so much, if it was you

Ok, bygones...

Haven't listened to the radio shows, a good tip!

About being extra careful for now on: I so totally agree! I even think that in a way, it was good that it happened that way (what a horribly distorted thing to say!!!); for instance, I probably wouldn't have ended up here. I now realise that my boundaries were actually really weak (besides me being really confident that it would never-ever happen to me) and it was a matter of time (not if, but when), in case our marriage would have stayed the same; it might have been someone from next door, a colleague etc... in which case it really would have been tougher to deal with.

I have told the story to some of the colleagues at that time (I worked in a company doing a one-time project with OM's company; they now have no business with OM's company, AFAIK, and I drop in just occasionally), so there will very unlikely be any accidental contact or sharing any news.

We will be moving in a couple of years anyway, so unless it is really urgent, we avoid moving twice (moving three times is as tough as a burned-down home, YKWIM). But of course - if necessary, it will be done. Somehow, I don't think he will contact any more. Famous last words, eh.

Edited to ask Niitse: when you mentioned moving, did you mean another country or just to another region?

I'm really glad that you ended up here - there is no better place to get help. This is just so unbelieveably sad that the advice people get from our local sites is such a waste of breath.


I don't know, we don't have any plans and these thoughts may just very well remain as thoughts. As far as I'm concerned and as much as I'm proud to say that we have at least snow and a lot of it, I hate cold and dark winters and depression gets me this time of the year just too easily.

Anyway, stay alert, you already seem to know that if not guarded well the contact can happen just like that.. It is good to hear though that things are going well for you and your H, keep finding extra spare spots for your quality time.

*edit*

/facepalm

Um... What?

(confused)

6 months late!



/facepalm to myself.

Ah

Yep, I guess that the way I wrote in the beginning just makes you grab your keyboard and smash some sanity into that WW-s head...

LOL.

I think for FWS's that urge can be even worse. More so when those rare fish show up right on the precipice of disaster.