Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been working on those things and he seems to be responding somewhat. He calls and talks to me more than he has, at least when I answer. See, the other site wanted me to minimize contact to make him miss me more. So I had been tryinng to do some of that too. Well, like I said, I like this approach much better.

Thank you!!

There DOES come a point where you WOULD have NC with your WH and that would be in Plan B. That would be something you WOULD have to be willing to do, at some point.

You CAN do this.

I remember that from all my reading here too. But this offers me the option to actively do something to show him that I can meet his needs without having to cut off all contact first. I WANT him to see that I CAN meet those needs before I have to cut off all contact if it comes to that because I WANT him to remember that most of all not the things that he thinks pushed him away. Make sense??

It sure does and that is one of the many reasons that when I found MB, I never looked anywhere else. I had found sites before I found this one, but this one made so much MORE sense.

DrH is a GENIUS.

I agree! I am so grateful to have found this site.

H just called again and I actually answered it. he couldn't figure out his medicines. LOL. He's never been good with that. I was able to talk to him and explain which one is for what using this method and be nice to him while I did so. That makes me feel good.

I still won't overdo it though. I think that me not contacting him quite so much is actually getting him to call/text whatever me. And that is important in my mind, that he reaches out to me and asks me. Am I thinking clearly on that??

Well, I don't want you to have expectations in reagrds to that though. What I mean by that, is I don't want you to say, "Well, he is going to call me 3 times today." Then sit there and say, "It is 9 pm and he only called me twice."

You can be aloof but to pull off a spectacular Plan A you WILL need to have contact and that contact needs to be very POSITIVE.

Oh, I know that. I will make efforts when I have to in order to keep the positive contact. I know that, I just meant that it seems that it's helpful and positive that he contacts me when I don't contact him. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep trying to meet his needs and see what happens for a little while.

It isn't about HIS reactions or non-reactions though. It is about becoming the BEST SPOUSE you can be. Even if you learn how to become a better spouse for someone else. I know you don't want to think about that right now, I just wanted you to understand that that is where Plan A gets you. You don't focus just on your WH. You focus on YOU. Plan A is about YOU. Plan B is about YOU.

Did you read through that thread that I created to help newly betrayed? There are some EXCELLENT posts by Mark on Plan A. Also, there are links for Plan A, carrot and stick. Read other people's threads to see what advice would work in your sitch.

So, so, so confused!

Okay, so I'm doing the right things and working on myself and learning much about me. I'm attempting to meet all H's needs even though he lives with his mom right now. I'm doing the things I feel are right and will show him changes and caring.

So yesterday I get to help him with something. I took clothes into his mom's for him. Then last night he called and I helped him straighten out his meds.

This morning he calls and needs help getting ahold of the doctor and I did that too. Now he calls me and we are talking and he is worried about me. I guess it was downpouring in town and he was worried that I was in town driving in it. When I told him I was not, he said okay good. Then he asked if I'd heard from the doctor.

Well, we were joking and talking so I slipped and said I do really miss you. He said, well, you'll miss me more unless we get this figured out with my body and the doctor....WHAT? I don't get it. So I'm gonna accept it at face value, but hm, confused even more now.

I do think that I have made some really good changes! I have even lost 42 lbs as of yesterday~! That is fantastic to me. I'm happy about that. I have been walking and am starting to go out with friends once in a while. That is something too. But H and I are still talking and it is nice. We haven't talked like this in years. I know that I am not supposed to answer every time he calls, and I have not. I have made myself "busy" sometimes and asked if I could call back to which he has agreed then will ask whatcha up to when I do get back to him. It's nice to just talk too. But I'm doing the things for me along the way. I am happy with that too. My family is happy with the changes I am making in me and say they see a huge difference. They even say that I seem much more content than I used to be. They recongize sad, but seee a content there too. That is really cool to have your grown children say that. :-)

Anyhow, please advise if you have suggestions or if you see any of this in another way. I need help!

I think you are doing great! You are working your plan A perfectly! Keep it up!

Thanks Sapphire! I appreciate the support. I was hoping I was seeing things correctly. Sometimes I'm so confused though that I'm not sure so i have to come here and just ask. This is an interesting rollercoaster I'm on. LOL. But I am on it and I am making it. That is HUGE to me.

Exactly! It will be a roller coaster, just as long as you stick to the plan you are set

Have you decided how long you are going to stay in plan A? I know some people end up staying in plan A longer when their spouse is not at home, but I'm not positive

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since he left home but only 1 1/2 since I started this plan a stuff and then only a couple of days since I really started in earnest. So I think I will stay in Plan A until Sept 24 (his bday) and if that does not work then go to plan b. I know that's a little longer than most do, but he is not at home and I feel that I must make compensation for him not being here by being willing to go just a little longer than most. Does that sound about right?? Especially since he seems to be responding somewhat??

This is all on your time line there is not a right time frame of plan A, just as long as you can stick to it.

Of course he is responding, you are meeting some of his needs, that is why he hasn't made a decision yet, he will go back and forth between the two of you till you finally kick him into plan B.

Gotcha. Whew! I always worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. That is one of my faults that he complains about. Overanazlying everything and not doing what my instincts tell me to in the first place. That is another thing I have been doing at this point, even though it's not really an EN thing, I've still been doing that. Cause I have to learn to trust myself and my instincts for me as well as it pleases him...so two fold good right ?? LOL

Plan A should last as long as you are capable of maintaining it. When it begins to take it's toll on you physically and you feel your love for him dying, you should begin to make plans to begin Plan B.

Typical Plan A's for women should last about 3 weeks max. However, as you aren't living with your husband it may be different for you.

You need to be willing to Plan B for your own health and safety after a while.

Cami, part of Plan A is improving yourself and it sounds like you're doing that. It is also meeting as many needs as WH will allow you to meet. You're doing that. Another part is that Plan A should be done with NO EXPECTATIONS. Okay? I see you have a deadline for your Plan A, and that's good. As far as the limited contact with WH, you should be allowing contact as often as possible, as long as you are able to maintain your Plan A attitude when you do.

Also, no relationship talk if you can help it. If he talks about divorce, you change the subject.

Have you read the carrot and the stick of Plan A? That gives you a breakdown of what you should and should not be doing in Plan A.

You're getting there sweetie! Congratulations on the weight loss! Around here we call it the Infidelity Diet. It works!! LOL

Start planning now for your Plan B. You're not ready to go there yet but it is something that needs to be well thought out and prepared for. It's not just something that you jump into it. AND it needs to follow a GREAT Plan A.

Come here if you feel the need to vent or rage. Don't do that in front of your WH. In front of him, you're all sweetness and light. That doesn't mean you allow him to disrespect you by talking about OW or saying whatever he wants. You can calmly tell him that what he's saying is very hurtful and then leave the room. Don't engage though!

Really study the links that you were given at the beginning of your thread. I highly recommend that you read Scotland's thread too.

And above all else, remember to breathe!

Thanks for all the advice! I really appreciate it. I will re=read the links again to familiarize myself more with them. That will give me something to do and make me feel like I accomplish something. I like feeling like I accomplish something. LOL. Guess it's just the way I am.

Here I am again. Sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. I'm just bummed out. He called back tonight and needed help with his bank account. We talked for a few minutes at that point then we hung up. I didn't expect anything from it, just to help him out which he keeps turning to me to help him out so no big deal. I just get bummed sometimes.

I'm lonely and scared again. But I'm still moving forward with plan A and learning a lot about me. I spent three hours texting back and forth with a friend and my aunt. That helped to pass the time, now they went off to bed and I suppose I should too.

I'm just bummed. Thanks for listening. And if anyone has any further advice, please bring it on! I'm game!! Thanks.

Hey, I think you're doing great! Your WH is calling you to ask for help with different things...which means that he either doesn't trust OW to do it or thinks that she doesn't know how, but I bet the real reason is that he DOES miss you and wants to talk to you, even if he doesn't realize it right now. I think he needs you a LOT, which means that when the time for Plan B comes, it's gonna hit him like a pile of bricks.

THEN, let him depend on the OW to meet those needs...which she will NOT be able to do!

BTW, you should expose to her BH. If she has a Facebook or Myspace page, you should expose to her friends.

Unless she has total privacy settings, you should be able to see who her friends are. Print those off, and then come back here and get help on how to effectively expose on Facebook/Myspace.