You have to think carefully about your intentions though since you can often end up convincing yourself that you're looking out for someone else when the reality is that you're doing it for yourself all along.

Rosy, you mentioned that I should read Tikilovers thread. I had done that previously, but had intentionally stayed away from posting any comments on it. I have been up close and personal to a situation that seemed very similar to that one. A marriage that lasted about the same length and then seemingly suddenly one of the partners wanting out with no chance to make things better due to a growing unhappiness for years. I have seen this happen and very clearly understood the side of the person who was unhappy and left.

I know what you are saying and how that could potentially relate to my marriage down the line. I have thought about that in the past in relation to this other marriage I saw, but I have also hoped and prayed it would never come to something that extreme. I have to believe that it will not.

It is sad when a marriage gets to that point. Your marriage could get to that point. However you have more resources than hoping, and praying and believing. You can work to avoid that extreme.

I found the discussion on DJs -

link

Read through where it begins to talk about honesty as well. I think it would be helpful to you.

I have to believe that you can make changes now to ensure that it does not.

Rather than just hoping against hope that you can beat the odds, you can play a different game entirely, one where the odds are much more in favor of the survival and thriving of your marriage.

I am trying to do more than just hope, but even with the actions that I take, I still say hope because there are no guarantees in life.
I agree Vib that it is sad when a marriage gets to that point. I watched it happen everyday, but I know the similarities and I know the differences between that marriage and mine.

It struck me that the overwhelming thing that was missing in Tikilover's situation was the husband being honest with his wife about what he needed, long before it got to the point of him wanting to leave.

Tom - if you can you may want to listen to the radio program today.

Your situation is similar to others around here I've read since I've been here. Every so often someone will come along who says they never felt that romantic love for their spouse - they married for some other reason, feeling they could live without romantic love.

I asked the Harley's about this issue to see if they've counseled couples like this and if they were able to create romantic love.

Joyce let me know that she will be covering this topic on Today's show.

Thought I'd give you a head's up in case you're able to listen in.

What time is the show on?

2 PM Central time. It is an hour long.

You can listen on this site, but most of us have found it best to listen on kkms.com.

After the show is aired a recording of it is usually made available, within a couple of days, or sometimes even a few hours.

http://www.listen.mbradio.net/

Thanks. Not sure if it will be a positive or negative to add to my day. Can't really hurt too much with the funk that I am already in.

Re: Moods (as you say you are in a funk)

Yesterday DH woke up very excited. A couple months ago he signed up for a Mixed Martial Arts class to satisfy his Physical Education requirement for school for this summer. The class started yesterday afternoon.

He's been talking about this class since he signed up for it. To say he was excited about it is an understatement. He excitedly packed his work out clothes to change into at work.

He messaged me yesterday morning.

The class had only 7 of 40 available slots filled.

The university cancelled it.

To say he was crushed would be an understatement. I commiserated with him as best I could.

His words to me "This really sucks, I'm so pissed. But I don't want this to ruin my day."

So it didn't.

We had a great lunch yesterday with my family. We had a fun afternoon and evening together and some great UA time.

He could have let this huge upset and let down color the rest of the day - he didn't and it made my family's time together fun and enjoyable.

That is a good mindset to have. Usually I am able to get over bad moods by sleeping it off and waking up the next day with hope for something new.
Today I just didn't seem to be filled with much hope.

So, you're just SOL if you can't take a nap?

Oh you listening to the radio program?

It's on now! The Q!

Sometimes bad moods can be turned around midday, depends on what they are.

Yes I am listening. The hard part at this point though is they are discussing if neither partner had the romantic love from the beginning.

How do you know your wife feels romantic love toward you? Maybe she feels the same way and you two are going along both being dishonest with each other.

He does address what one person can do if they're in love and the other person is not - in fact that's what he said his dating relationship was when he first started dating Joyce - it was romantic for him and she took some more convincing.

He also mentioned that the person who is in love fills the love bank of the spouse that isn't in love - (the shopping example). They may even temporarily do things that diminish their love bank a bit to build up the one that's running low - but as they are already in love, their bank can take a minor hit.

I found it interesting that he estimates it would take 3 months... 3 months! I'd have thought longer.

The problem is - your wife can't fill your Love Bank, Tom, if you wont let her - if you wont even tell her the problem.

She is very good at communicating. She does not hide her feelings with me. She is very clear about the fact that she is happy with being married to me, loves me, etc.

And how does it make you feel to know that she loves this facade you've created?

Does it actually make YOU feel loved?

Yes, I feel very loved. I know she loves me deeply, cares deeply for me. To use MB "speak", that doesn't necessarily go a long way to filling my own personal love bank. I like being loved, but it doesn't go a long way in making me feel extremely happy. I like being loved by my spouse and family, I like being liked and cared about by friends, but I guess those things only go so far.