Does/did your husband know OM?

I have read your whole thread, and I very rarely answer a thread but yours just struck a nerve. You are former military and so you know that being in the military is much more than a job, it�s a lifestyle where norms of an 8-5 job just don�t apply. So with this understanding or perspective, one would wonder why you are complaining about his hours at work? I don�t think your anger/fear stems from his hours at work as much as it is from your desperation that his seeming reticence to spend time with you is a sign that things are not going according to your plan to get past what you have done. After all, if everything was going according to your plan, your husband would not only have accepted your (as in you singular because it isn�t his child, now is it?) child, but would not have any residual anger and would be invested in the relationship and manifest it as being willing to meet the needs that you say you have. You get angry with him because he is not acting or behaving in a manner that you want. My question to you would be why do you expect him to?
There are several men on these boards that have been willing to raise the product of their wife�s stupidity as their own. I guess you can look at this from two different poles of thought. One would be that the husband is a saint of a person that can accept this type of betrayal and move past it because they see something that is retrievable (I would say that this is a very very small percentage of the male population); the other pole would be people that for whom this would be incomprehensible, representing the majority of male opinion. I don�t think that you really have a grasp at how a man would feel about not only having his wife bear the first child of their marriage as a result of infidelity but compounding the betrayal by letting the poor sap believe the child was his. I would have had a legally binding DNA test performed and once the results came back I would have moved out, filed for divorce and informed just about everyone, to include the state child support agency, as to whose child it really was. And after everything was over, one day there would be a reckoning with the POS who was your AP.
So perhaps now you see how MOST men would react to having their wife give birth to their firstborn child with another man as the father. So tell me, how would most men react when they are trying to deal with this type of betrayal and then have to deal with the source of that betrayal whining and complaining about not playing along by her rules? The poster that you�re pissed at? Probably the best friend you have on this thread. In this post to you, I have not used disparaging language or a hostile tone of voice, I have attempted to portray how most men would feel given what you have done, and how incredulous one would be as to just how selfish and entitled you are.
Sorry, but I�m not going to wish you luck, if I could speak to your husband directly I would counsel him to leave you; why delay the inevitable? As an aside, I would counsel the same to Gack. Of course by this point, you understand that I reply to you not from a sense of helping you but from a sense of empathy for your poor husband � you can do with my post what you will.

marinemom

Get your BH to come here and post on his own.
Maybe you can make a phone call to the Harley's to give you a game plan.

A BH stays with the WW and OC only if his value of keeping his WW and family life is worth the cost, not just in dollars, of having to raise the OC.

yes gack H has met OM because he was a former co worker of mine.

Now I'm not trying to complain or in any way seem entitiled but I am trying to get another's view on some things that are going on that have me concered.
H recently password protected his phone
his passwords have all changed
texting all day long, says to his brother and co workers
on the computer all the time
never used to be on facebook now on all the time
phone never leaves his side takes it everywhere even when inside the home (says it's because he don't want the kids to get it)

Please I'm not trying to point fingers or make H seem like he's doing something wrong I just want to know if anyone else thinks that he's hiding something. H used to only have 1 password for everything but not anymore. I asked H today what his password was for his phone and he told me somebody's name (a former students of his or that's what he told me) I didn't check but it sorta shocked me. I'm not quite sure what to do. I just recently in a way woke up and realized that I wasn't doing what I needed to do in order to help heal my M but Im afraid it maybe to late and H found someone else (maybe not physically but emotionally). H says that if there was someone else he'd tell me but I just see alot of what he is doing to be what I did 5-6 yrs ago during my A. I'm not trying to say that he is and maybe i'm just being paronid, I just want other's take on it. If there is another woman than it's not like I can really be mad at him I guess.

H came on here 2 yrs ago when the A came out but he choose to stop. I can ask him but I can't force him to. I'm lucky that he is choosing to go talk to a therapist. Even though there are many things that I've wanted to try (like going away just the 2 of us, going to this marriage builders group thing here that the base holds, going to another MC, etc). It's just hard to do any of these things since H always working. it's 7 days a wk dawn to dusk, over night duty every 3-5 days. So when I say he works alot i mean alot. I just can't get H to do any of these things. We went to a MC 2 yrs ago when all this first came out but we both stopped going becuase we were able to talk on our own and didn't see the point anymore but I want to see if it might help again now since things have gotten real bad and now that i'm in a way out of a fog and able to see what I was doing this past yr has been more harmful than helpful. I'm just afraid I woke up to late. H has just cut me off completely, barely talks to me when he gets home just goes straight for the laptop and stays on until early morning after i've gone to bed. When H and I talk about everything he says he thinks he might be done NOT that he is done. I'm just confused. I trying to figure out where we are, if there is any hope at us working through this. H never gives me a straight answer, Im not sure if he really knows. He says he don't want to give me false hope but hope is all I have what else is there. Like i've said i'm not sure whether it is to little to late.

Also now there is this mountian biking thing. All the sudden H wants to go mountian biking. Says a co-worker has been asking him to go and he wants to try it. H went the other day to a c-workers house to look at buying his bike and today is out trying it. H texted me and said he had a blast and he's hooked on it. But we live on the east coast of NC, the terrain is mostly flat. H says he almost went off ridges. Am I just being parnoid???

Yes he is hiding something. That sounds exactly what a WS would do.

Elaborate.

Gack, americanjin is basically saying that my H should just leave and my M isn't worth trying to save. If I read his post correctly that is what I got from it. Those are the posts that I just don't listen to.

I asked H again about doing another DNA test and he finally agreed to do it even though he says he's already accepted that our son isn't his. So I've contacted DNA Diagnostic Center about getting on done with them. I'm also going to contact DNA service of america and talk to them but I'm not sure which company I should go with. I guess both companies are well known and it's not like the $99 mail in test like we did before.

Well, that's your option, I kinda get the feeling you only want to listen to people who agree with you.

You don't seem to fully understand that one of the most joyous occasions in any man's life is the birth of his first child, especially if it's a boy. And you just destroyed that time for him, everytime he looks at your son, he's got a constant reminder of what you did, never mind how you compounding the error by allowing him to think everything was fine for two years. No matter how much of a happy face he tries to put on it, or how hard you try to make it right between the both of you (and reading your thread I have to wonder just how you're trying all that hard), this is never going to go away. Perhaps it would be different in a long term marriage where the OC is after the other children, as has happened in some posters marriages here. But short term marriage, wife bears the child of another man, it's pretty much a no brainer for 98% of all men that you may talk to - get divorced and ensure you're not stuck paying for a child that isn't yours. THAT is is what you are up against, and that is why I think that even if you put a LOT of effort into repairing your relationship it wil ultimately prove to be futile.

Maybe it would be best for you to have a DNA retest, a good lab to use would be LabCorp. If it comes back that your husband is not the father of the child, it is not only him that has to make a decision but also you. I would imagine waiting for the other shoe to drop would be like conducting a marriage under the sword of Damocles.

If your husband is having an affair right now, then he is wrong. I could never understand the revenge affair thing, why bring yourself down to that level?

I am glad to hear that your H has agreed to a retest, mm. It is vital that this issue is cleared up for good. Get it done, and don't let the opportunity pass by!

marinemom

I'm not against you or any WW trying to save their marriage. But somethings for you to think about.

Dr Harley say's when spouses are young, no COM, short marriage, and an affair where the WW has an OC it's usually best for the BH to divorce and allow the OM and WW to marry and let them raise the OC. Best for the OC to be raised by both bio parents.

Your not middle aged, no COM (children of the marriage).

Why does your BH want to raise another mans child?

People ask about just compensation after an affair.

How can your first child ever be your husband's?

How can your first child be BH's son?

Who was the OC named after, BH, BH's dad, OM?

Then how can BH now have a son named after grandpa or himself?

What will you do if BH decides to stay and try to have kids with you, but you can't get pregnant?

Or you have two DD's but no DS.

Will you be willing to keep going until you giver your BH a DS?

Even if it means you'll have enough DD's to have your own softball team?

Do you think that your being faithful to your BH for the rest of your life will be enough?

The Road...the way I understand....the OC was born in 05.....and COM was born in 09.

TheRoad,

We do have a COM. And my son was named after my grandfather and H.

Where does Dr Harley write this?

TheRoad, you used to use a line about people needing to check their "reading comprehension skills". This couple had a daughter in 2009. This has been stated in this thread and is in her signature line.

If you are referring to the new DNA test; again, if you read, you will see why the home test result is in doubt.

He does not seem to want to do that now, but when mm first came to the board in 208, he seemed prepared to try. He himself posted here in 2008, and he decided when he first found out about the child that he would stay. He wasn't forced to stay then, and he isn't now. Only he knows why he chose to stay in 2008, but without COM to consider then, his main motivation must have been his feelings for his wife.

You can read his thread to find out his reasons and feelings then.

Are you suggesting that daughters mean nothing to a husband? Are you suggesting that the daughter he now has gives him no reason to stay? Are you saying that only a son makes a man feel like a father?

Some men have a strong desire for sons. Do you read Shakesphere? It has been long documented.

I think AJI and TR are pointing out the added humiliation and conflict that her H may be feeling. They are trying to let MM know what her husband, like many men may be feeling.

I do know that men AND women often have a strong desire for sons. Yes, I have read "Shakesphere" (Shakespeare), but I do not think one needs to read him to be aware of that!

TheRoad's post suggested that having only daughters would not make a man feel like a father. I think that would be news to the world's happy fathers of daughters only.

Is the "added humiliation" you are referring to the humiliation of his own child being a girl? If not, what do you mean by "added humiliation"?

Because a son will always carry the family name. I am not saying it means anything to me, but to quite a few people, it does.

This father was lied to for three years about his parentage of his child. Now, his namesake, - if this marriage lasts and they have no other or female only children - is not even genetically his.

Don't beat me up over this.

�The Road...the way I understand....the OC was born in 05.....and COM was born in 09.�

A girl not a boy is the way I�m understanding it.

�We do have a COM. And my son was named after my grandfather and H.

You mean the OC is named after them.

So if you have another child with BH how will his bio child be able to be named after him?

John I for the OC, John II for BH�s son?

�Where does Dr Harley write this?�

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html

�TheRoad, you used to use a line about people needing to check their "reading comprehension skills". This couple had a daughter in 2009.�

You got me.

�If you are referring to the new DNA test; again, if you read, you will see why the home test result is in doubt.�

I�ll wait and see how this plays out.

�Are you suggesting that daughters mean nothing to a husband?�

Your reading comprehension is off as well. I did not suggest anything negative about DD�s. Everyman wants a son. If life only hands him DD�s then that�s it. However now that there has been an affair all bets are off. WW gave OM a son but what will she do to give BH a son?

BH�s have to face that there maybe a type of SF that WW would never do for BH but did for OM. Now that list can be lengthened with WW gave OM a son but not me.

�Some men have a strong desire for sons.�

Thank you Doc.

�TheRoad's post suggested that having only daughters would not make a man feel like a father. I think that would be news to the world's happy fathers of daughters only.

Is the "added humiliation" you are referring to the humiliation of his own child being a girl? If not, what do you mean by "added humiliation"?�

Again you should stop making suggestions about what you think I said because of your poor reading comprehension skills.

Never said that the BH will never feel that he measures up to being a man if he does not have his own son with WW.

BH will feel that his WW gave to the OM things that she should only of given to BH. Things that she can�t never take back, undo.

Marinemom please answer these questions instead of avoiding them.

Marinemom avoided the question of how many daughters will she give birth to give her BH his own son. Being most families only want two COM.

What are you going to do if you can only afford to raise two COM, how will you be able to give BH his own son?

Marinemom how you name BH�s bio son after BH now that you have named OC after BH?