Thanks Nams!!!

I just want to agree that prolonged Plan A can be damaging and cause PTSD. My counselor believes this is what happened to me. You start to believe that this kind of relationship is normal and the constant fear of angering your partner and them leaving permeates your life.
I am in a new marriage and throughout this relationship I have been plagued by an irrational fear of abandonment, feeling that any minute things will fall apart. I feel that the mistake I made in trying to save my first marriage is that I did not expose and that I tried to be nice,nice in Plan A for way too long. The marriage would have been lost in any case but I did not take care of myself. I also feel that exposing would have given me dignity as I wasn't part of his dirty secrets and enabling him. I also think that I would be better able to handle current parenting conflicts with my ex if I hadn't trained myself to be overly accomodating and afraid of making him angry.

Invincible,
I hope you're hanging in there the last couple of days. I have been reading along but no posts yesterday - hope you're all right.

You are doing it right to go to plan B with the above philosophy. You must protect yourself. If you feel you're being abused, you must remove yourself from that and Plan B is an excellent way to do that. It will also stop any further withdrawals on his part and keep the $LB at a certain level; thereby giving a chance for recovery IF he decides to turn his life around. But don't expect it: Plan B is for you and your personal recovery.

I'm sorry things have headed this direction for you. My heart goes out to you.

opt

Opt, thanks for checking.

So looking forward to my trip to OH next week if only for the change of pace. Also got in contact with my old BF from HS thru her brother on FB. Haven't spoken to her in over 10 yrs. Can't wait to hear what kind of crap life has thrown at her.

I have 3 books downloaded that I have been waiting weeks for and I have no desire to turn on the ereader. I have 4 movies sitting by the TV waiting to be watched. I am trying to keep busy, but at the same I just don't want to do ANYTHING, kwim?

On a plus note, I have not drowned my sorrows in peanut butter/chocolate swirl ice cream and I am still working out. LOL, man, I hate working out. I am trying to reach that stage where it feels GOOD mentally and emotionally to work out, where I look FORWARD to it...yeah...that might be a while. Right now it still feels like a chore. I live in South Texas and I HATE to sweat. Never considered myself a girl-girl, but there it is...

He responded to my "I-love-you-but-leave-me-the-hell-alone" letter thru our IM. I am not sure she is clear on the req's for this (despite my telling her) because she just fw'd his email to me. He gave a very polite, "IM, I will respect your decision and will take care of the financial issues you mentioned in the next few days. I miss you, too!!!"

I just wanted to scream, "you MF*r, I didn't say I MISS you, I said I WOULD miss you." A*H* can't even properly read my goodbye letter. It helps me to stay angry otherwise I am a crying mess and frankly, my eyes hurt too much...I don't wanna cry anymore.

I DL'd a bunch of my CD's so I can get rid of them and was pleasantly reacquainted with 80s & 90s music and even listened to some of my country CD's from that era. That is some depressing stuff, but it's a good hurt.

Just spoke to an old friend of mine who is in town. He's pretty sure wife is having at minimum an EA, but very likely a PA. He has not been a saint himself, but he thought they had moved passed everything.

I told him abt this forum--told him he needs to come here. Hopefully he does. He was checking out baby monitors when we got off the phone.

Infidelity sucks...he has 2 kids and doesn't think he wnts the marriage if the PA turns out to be true. I think he cld get past the EA, but not sure abt a PA.

Hey, no problem at all. Glad you're okay.

A little Ben & Jerry's never hurt anyone, lol. Good job staying busy and physically active. Expect to have lots of ups and downs as you move forward. It's all part of the process.
opt

KaylaAndy mentioned the term "emotional intelligence" in my thread. Not sure if I ever heard the term before but it is certainly an interesting one. His reaction to your letter implies a lower emotional IQ than you were hoping; I suppose all us guys suffer from that to some extent. I sense your frustration. I seriously think this guy's in another realm right now; what with the partying and being single routine (and heaven knows what else).

opt

I hope you stay around through this process and continue to pick up the concepts. I've learned so much here and not just the MB philosophies. There are some really good folks here. I believe recovery from the A and from the death of my M has been, and continues to be, fast-tracked from the reading and posting and seeing others in similar situations. I hope you can help your friend. You learn a lot by teaching, which I'm sure you know.

I've never seen anyone type "cld" for 'could.'

~optimism~

How's Invincible?

~O~

Hi Opt--I am around--reading more than posting lately. I am at my friend's in Ohio right now. I think it has been a setback. Lots of triggers to remind me of our times together as 2 couples and the what-could-have-beens. They also just found out they are expecting their first child, so it is bittersweet for me. I am thrilled to pieces for her, but keenly aware of what I have lost. One day at a time, right? He has not broken NC with me, so I guess he has been able to move on easier than I have.

Thanks for checking. I am gonna mosey over to your thread to see how you are doing! :o)

Thanks for the update, IM. It's not easy and it takes a lot of time.
You're right to be have patience. And read alot, it helps keep things in perspective.
hang in there.

O

[stillstanding2]Do you need to know what is going on? Or, have you already given up? He is probably deep in an affair. Does he also watch porn? I would guess that he does. That will further desensitize him to you as a person.
As for going up there to try to see if there is indeed an OW....right now I simply cannot find it in myself to care. Maybe I will feel differently in a couple of days, but right now, nope, don't care. I get this feeling that you almost want me find that there is an OW. Maybe that will solidify the idea that the only logical assumption is that due to our lack of UA, of course he must have fallen into an A. Frankly, what happens, as I stated in previous post, if I were to go up there and find he really is just drinking at a table with his friends? What then? Does that unequivocably prove he is not in an A, or wld I then need to stay up there several days to try to be sure? While an A wld certainly tidy up the situation complete with a bow, as well as explain his sudden desire to be unmarried, I am also faced with the possibility, maybe not probability, but possibility that while he might still care for me, he has chosen to no longer love me--most likely due to a lack of UA, but perhaps coupled with the fact that he really is wanting something different for his life and our distance has finally made this clear to him. [/quote]

I am stupid and trusting and blind and naive. D-Day was this morning at about 4am CST. Much to tell, but I am having a hard time with my mind zinging a mile a minute. Will be back to update.

I stand humbled and corrected, SS2. You were so right and I was so wrong. I have made some bad choices--I broke NC, but I guess if I hadn't done that, I would have never found out the truth and he would have continued to lie to me. We emailed back and forth and I KNOW that it was filled with DJ's, but I NEEDED to say these things. The problem I find with him is that he never gets any sort of emotional consequence for his actions. Will these emails have made him "see the light"--no way, but I was really happy to say the things I needed to say.

I also started seeing a therapist. She is great. Have another appt on Monday--so happy about that.

I also need to relate what has transpired in the last 24 hours because that's when the my rose-colored glasses crashed to the ground. I began to FEEL there was an A going on, but I was at the 99% point and hanging on for dear life to that little 1% of hope. Now I know undoubtedly.

I don't think I have it in me to recover the marriage. I am giving myself a few days to just accept things, but then I think I will be filing. I really feel like this is my only course at this point.

Just as an FYI, I will paste the emails. I understand my DJ's were all about me trying to invoke some control. I am trying to learn how to relinquish that. Mentally, I understand the concept that I cannot control anyone, I can only control myself. I still felt the need to try though, so something I need to work on. At times, I was petty and childish--I see this clearly looking at the emails.

ETA: I know everyone will tell me I cannot use logic on a WS, but Like everyone else, I tried anyway...like everyone else, I failed.

Let me preface this by saying that I literally did a cut/paste and only altered names & took out extraneous email address info. WH has truly terrible written grammar and spelling that goes beyond simple typos--I had to go over all of his college papers. This is in part due to English being a 2nd language for him, but also because he's too lazy--he CAN write better if needed. He has spoken English as a 2nd language since childhood, though, so it is not like he just learned it a few years ago.

From: IM
To: WH
Date: Sunday, July 25, 2010

(IntMed) told me you got the bank account taken care of. I just sent my paperwork back to take me off of your account, so hopefully that will be taken care of soon.

I told (IntMed) that I would contact you directly. I don't want to put her in the middle and I should not have asked her to do it, though she did not mind. I know she is nervous about her pregnancy and I don�t want to add any stress of her having to deal with our issues.

I have printed out the divorce papers and would like for you to pay half of the filing fee. It is $248, so if you could send me $124 I would really appreciate it. Once I get it I will things taken care of. There are some additional papers you will need to sign that I will get to you.



From: WH
To: IM
Date: Tue, July 27, 2010

i hope you are enjoing you little vacation in Ohio with (IntMed) ,i heard she is expecting a baby ,i am happy for them !

Since your last e mail i been thinking a lot about us and how we got to this point ,,,it make s me angry that i wasn't able to comunicate better with you over the years ,and we did not took care of our problems at the time !
i think about you every day !

About divorce, i dearly ask you to give me some time to figure out what i realy want and who i realy am !

I miss you


From: IM
To: WH
Date: Friday, July 30, 2010

I don't know how to respond to this email. If you cannot figure out how you feel about being married to me after 4 months of leaving me hanging by a string, it can only be for 1 of 2 reasons (or maybe both): 1. you just don't love me. If you loved me, it should not even be a QUESTION as to whether or not you want me and 2. you want to have fun and play the singles scene, sleep around a bit with some girls, and then when you get tired of that, MAYBE you will think about whether or not you still want to be married to me.

Frankly, I think it is both. You have made it clear to me repeatedly that you don't want to be married to me, you don't want a life or children with me, you want to go to bars every weekend and do whatever it is you are doing. You want me to make changes, yet you have never said anything about any changes you are going to make. This leads me to believe that you don't think you even need to make any changes and that you won't because apparently our marriage is [censored] and it's all my fault.

There is no way our marriage will survive while we are living apart and you continue to go to bars pretending to be a single man. The more we are apart, the more we live our lives independently and pretty soon the day will come when you won't think about me and I won't think about you. It doesn't matter how many changes I make about going out more, or how skinny I get, or any of that. You have told me yourself that you don't want the pressure of marriage. You have never once in all of our discussions said that you WANT this marriage. If you end up deciding you do, then what? We will still be living apart until next summer and then I have to wonder that you won't start feeling 'caged' again at some point and decide again that you don't know if you love me or want to be married to me.

We have both made sacrifices in this marriage, (WH), but I really believe mine were more extreme. You would have been deported and never even been allowed back even on a visa. You got this job in Spain. I left my job and moved with you and was prepared to do the exact same thing again this year. I really don't think you would move anywhere because of my job. Yes, you did make a very large sacrifice by coming here and staying in 2001. I know you miss your family and friends deeply. But really, let's be honest. You always told me before that you wanted to live in the US, you wanted to finish school here, etc. If anything, being with me made this very easy because you came, had a place to live right away, got a job very easily, and I helped you get through school. Yes, I believe that if you had stayed in Romania you would have finished school and you would likely be living somewhere else in Europe. Maybe you would be working for Ferrovial, but somehow I don't think so. When I look at everything and see how easy you are throwing it away, can you understand why I feel like you have used me? You got everything you wanted and what did I get? I got some trips to different countries and a husband who doesn't know if he wants to be married to me anymore. I don't know what else I can give you that will make you happy. I have practically given up any chance of having children because you kept telling me you needed more time....that phrase is sounding so familiar now...

I understand that I made mistakes in our marriage. I also get that I should have stayed with you in Spain and not returned. I can't make decisions when you are not open about your feelings and it's not fair for you then to turn around and punish me for not knowing. But I NEVER did anything that I KNEW would hurt you. I never kept secrets from you. Can you say the same? There are things you have done in this marriage that have damaged it horribly, yet I remained because I always believed that you loved me in your heart and you just made a few stupid decisions. But I shouldn't have to accept a husband who cheats on me, hides things from me, who doesn't stand up for me to his parents, who puts his friends before me, and doesn't care about how I feel. Are these things you are able to do? Because if not, I don't know why we are still talking about our marriage.
What is it exactly you want from me right now? Is it just to hang around while you go out and party and meet other women? Do you have a time limit in mind as to when you will know what you want? Are we talking weeks or months or years?

I realize this email may come across sounding angry and sarcastic. That is honestly not my intent. I just don't know what I am supposed to do here. I just know I cannot wait for you forever. If you want to fix this marriage, we need to do it and I need to know that you are 100% committed. If you cannot do that, there is no point is staying married and we are only delaying the inevitable.


****Let me interject here. I tried calling him�1st time in 3 wks. Called him Friday night 07/30. No answer and I didn�t leave a mssg. I called again on Sunday night 07/31. He answered the phone and his tone is what changed it all for me. He was very standoffish, as if he was talking to an acquaintance. He told me he saw that I called and he was driving back to Dallas from Austin, had gone tubing, and will call me later. He literally did not wait for my reply and just hung up. I just had an internal meltdown because this was how I KNEW there was someone else. I called back, got his voicemail, and told him not to bother, it was all clear to me and I would start the divorce, I hoped she was worth it, he once said he couldn�t take it if I hated him, well congratulations on accomplishing that, blah, blah, blah. He called me back�I did not answer, he left msg that he did not talk to me because there were other �dudes� in the car and he didn�t want to fight with me, there�s no need to hate him because he loves me so much and he wldn�t cheat on me, not sure if we can solve anything if I feel hate for him, he wld send me an email tomorrow�

Which leads to this�.


From: WH
To: IM
Sent: Mon, August 2, 2010

I did not answer you call on Saturday because i felt your anger in the e mail and i did not want to fight with you over the phone.
And yesterday i had Justin and 2 other people in the car ,i do not think it was appropriate for me to speake about divorce papers in front of other people.
Also i wanted to tell you that i do not blame you for any wrong doing in our relation,I think we just want diffrent things.


From: IM
To: WH
Date: Monday, August 2, 2010

I wasn't angry in the last email and I even told you that. Believe it or not, I am not angry in this email.

You can lie to yourself all you want about why this marriage ended, but I know the truth. You gave up on this marriage when you realized how much fun you can have in Dallas as a single guy. Can't go screw other girls if I am there, right? Don't say we want different things and that's why because this did not seem to be an issue for 8 1/2 YEARS!! But you got everything you needed from me, so why stay married, right? Funny how we didn't "want different things' when you were in Madrid and lonely. Funny how we didn't want different things when you FIRST moved to Dallas and were so excited about me moving there in the summer. Funny that suddenly we wanted different things after you had been there a month and started partying.

You did not answer my call because you were out and did not want to be bothered. Even though you could have called me later or at any time on Sunday, you didn't because I am not important to you and because you were around her, so you couldn't right?

I remember you used to tell me that you shouldn't have to tell me you love me and that I should look at your actions. Your actions say it so clearly. You did nothing to try to save this marriage. Don't say you love me. You don't and you never did. You picked her and your partying over your wife. You know it and I know it, so don't try to change it into some other reason. It is amazing that our marriage is falling apart and you can go tubing 2 hours away from me and not even think that maybe you should try to see me. You said in your last email that you think about me--bullsh**. You think about me so much that you don't give a [censored] that this marriage is dying while you are out screwing and drinking. It is amazing that in the 5 months you have lived in Dallas, the drive to San Antonio seemed soooooo far for you to come here, yet Austin for some reason is perfectly okay. Once again, evidence of how little I mean to you because you'll make that drive for her and your friends.

If you want to be with someone else, have the balls to tell me the truth. I already KNOW you are. I KNOW. Do I not deserve at least honesty from you after all the lies? Do you even understand that we are STILL married and yet you are screwing another girl? Does she even know you are married, (WH)? You want to have fun with her and still "figure out what you want and who you are" in regards to our marriage. I'll tell you what, I know EXACTLY who you are. I am just so sick of your lying and I just wish more than anything at this point that you would just tell me the truth. If you ever had any feelings for me at all, please be honest with me for a change. This marriage is already over, so what's the point in keeping up the pretense? You do it only to make yourself feel better because deep down, you know that how you did this was so wrong.


From: WH
To: IM
Sent: Mon, August 2, 2010

I can not deal with your anger right now !

Please take half of the money from my acc if you can still have acess to it ,if not send me your acc no.and ill transfer you the money.

From: IM
To: WH
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Another thing I forgot to mention, I didn't even call you to talk about divorce papers. After we hung up and I realized how stupid I am is when I called back and left the message about the divorce papers.


From: WH
To: IM
Sent: Mon, August 2, 2010

I wanted to call you on Saturday to come down in San Antonio, but i thought you do not want to see me so i did 't ....
I saw you called, late sat night and i thought i would call you when i get back to Dallas on Sunday!

I do not want to hurt you in any way, and i do not want to play any game of blaming you or me !

Call me if you want to talk positiv !


From: IM
To: WH
Sent: Mon, August 2, 2010

I'm not playing games. I am being honest with you. You don't communicate anything to me other than to speak in vague phrases. If you had called me with the intent of seeing me to try to work on our marriage than I would have welcomed it. If you wanted to see me just so you won't feel bad, then you are only doing it for you and not for me. You may not want to hurt me, (WH), but you have done nothing but hurt me these last few months. You did not protect our marriage at all and chose to put yourself in situations that would only cause damage to it--which it did--irreparably. You don't want to be married to me, but you don't want me to let go. You said we can divorce "if that is what I want'. What I want is for my husband to care about me and want me to be happy WITH him. All I see is you caring about yourself and what is making you happy. I am sad that you are not willing to fight for this. You gave up, (WH), because it wasn't worth it to you. You are so sure things won't work that you never even bothered to try. I don't think you would have really tried anyways.

I went to see a therapist today and was completely honest about things. I have another appointment next week and plan to see her weekly for a month or so then see where I am at. Interestingly, she is German and so she knows where Romania is and how life is in Europe. She also suggested medication. (WH�s BF) thinks it is stupid, but neither him or (BF�s wife, was our IntMed) understand what it is like to watch the person you promised to spend your life with decide that they want something else instead. I realize that if I am ever going to have a chance at being a mom, I only have another 3 or 4 years to really make it happen. I think you want kids, Alex, just not with me, and I am getting better at accepting that, too.

I am making changes, (WH), as I told you I would. I do not want to get a divorce, but at this point I think there is too much for me to overcome and I can't be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. It's stupid and so pathetic and I hate myself for holding on when I should have let go a long time ago. I once thought I could never hate you, but it is a feeling that hits me with frequency, but I understand enough to know that is just my anger and sadness. I'll get past that. I once thought we would always love each other and that we would work through anything because of that love, but I also understand that that was naive. Both people have to love deeply and want it or nothing will work. I do still love you, (WH), very much, but I am tired of being last in your life. I realize that I need to love myself, too, again. I want a family and a man who will be with me through thick and thin. I seem to have a hard time meeting that guy. Not sure if I will try to meet someone who wants those things, or if I will do sperm donation. I have already looked into that, too, and it's actually not as expensive as I thought it would be. I am getting out more and meeting new people, so this is good for me. I am looking forward to school starting again because then I won't have time to think about anything anymore. I am day 3 of no smoking. It sucks, but I need to do this. I have only lost 10 pounds, but that's better than nothing at this point.

I am also making plans to work this last school year and then move. My mom is buying a house in Vegas and suggested I leave now if I want to and I can live in that house. Vegas was never my dream, though, Colorado always was, so I think I will try to head there next summer. I need a new start with new faces and new places. A place where I won't think about you anymore. I think by this time next year I will be in a much better place emotionally and maybe then I can open up to someone else.

So maybe, in the end, I should thank you for all this. One day I might look back at you, like I did with (XH#1), and say you did me a favor because I am so much happier.

No anger here, (WH). Honestly. Try to imagine me saying this to you in a soft voice because that is how I am saying it to myself as I type.

I am so tired of the pain. Don't worry about the divorce money. I will take care of it.


From: WH
To: IM
Sent: Mon, August 2, 2010

Thank you for opening to me !

I am not myself since i moved here ......i am lost ...i feel my life took a wrong turn ,i tought if we take a breake from eachother i can see better who i am aparently not.

i miss you a lot and i am not just saying it i mean it ......i am,... just lost ,i need help !

I do not know what we can do from here,i even thought about quiting my job !

I wanna call you so bad right now .i am tierd too,,,, work is kikin my [censored] these days .

Tomm i am going to a concert with blue october

Miss you mucho !

(END EMAILS)

OK, bring on the bats. I think part of the reason I need to do divorce is because I don't think he thinks I will really do it--and he has every reason to think that. I have mentioned it, but always caved when he used that magic line "I need more time". I just think it is broken beyond repair. He doesn't have it in him to really face his actions and see the damage and then try to make true amends and make repairs to our marriage. He is of weak character and I ma having to accept that I chose a weak man to pin my heart to...stupid me. And yes, despite my repeated statements that I wasn't angry, of course I was. I think the time when I was more sad then angry was that last email I sent him on 08/02 after seeing the therapist.

I have not eaten anything in close to 24 hours. Will be back later to post abt how D-Day happened.

D-Day
WH and I began talking again via phone on Monday night 08/02. His last email really jerked my heartstrings, when he said he felt like his life had taken a wrong turn and he felt lost. I stupidly thought maybe we had a minor breakthrough. So I called him. It was good talk�roughly 2 hours. We just spoke as friends would for the most part. Discussed what had been going on in our lives for the past month since we had stopped talking. We did not discuss the phone call when he was driving from Austin, we really did not touch too much on that actual state of our marriage and it actually felt good to just be able to enjoy him again as my best friend. I realized even then that I was only lying to myself and this brief scenario was only a blip, but I selfishly wanted to feel good for just a little. I had missed him so much the past few weeks.

We talked a bit about my desire to move to Colorado next year and he would make little sweet, joking comments, like, �make sure to take me with you�you�re not used to the mountains and I don�t think you will make it without me�. I would respond every time he made some type of comment alluding to a future for both of us with a soft remark about how I didn�t believe that it would happen, he would ask why not, and I remember one time specifically, I said it will be someone else because you don�t want to work on our marriage. He then said, we can fix this, we can work on it�, but then the conversation just moved on.

I admit being taken in again. I don�t believe that we had reached a phase where I could say, Ok, we are going to work on our marriage, but I did feel like maybe we could try to reconnect after our small break. It soothed my heart, despite my smarter instincts knowing better because, as we all know, the heart doesn�t always follow the dictates of the mind.
So for the rest of the week we talked again 1-2 times a day�usually at night when he got off of work and then he would also call before he went to bed. He asked me about coming down to San Antonio next weekend to see me. I start back at school on the 16th, so we made some tentative plans.

Yesterday we spoke after he got off of work and he told me he was going to have some drinks with his coworker, we�ll call him Bob (they were roommates for a month until he his apt was ready in the same complex). I already knew I would be driving to Dallas that night for recon. I left late so I would be there when I knew he would be coming in for the night.

The lights were out at his apt and at Bob�s, I assumed they were still out. I got there at about 1am. The gate to the parking garage was open (I am assuming broken because it was open all night). His car was there, but I did not see Bob�s, so I figured they went in Bob�s car. I decided to get something to eat to kill time and was back to the apt by 2am. Both sets of lights still out, but I figured, no biggie. I hunkered down in a corner of the parking garage and waited. Waited in vain because I guess Bob�s car was elsewhere. They never entered the garage and they must have gone thru the front lobby. I realized this when I noticed that Bob�s lights & TV were on in his apt. This was around 230am. Bob�s apt faces the interior courtyard and can be seen from the parking garage. My WH�s faces the outside, so I drove back out and sure enough, saw that his lights were on. Just a real quick note, I had called him several times by this point, but he did not answer.

I did not know what to do now. I could not get into the building without a passkey, so I made several more calls and stewed. Finally, I did another drive around to the front around 300am and saw that his nights were now OFF. Those bells that had been blaring were now going full-throttle. I waited until someone was walking into the building and I just followed behind like I belonged there. I went and knocked several times over a roughly 15 minute period�no answer. I then decided to go see Bob�checked and his TV was still on�knocked on his door. He opened and was surprised to see me. Told him I was looking for my husband, had knocked/called�nothing--did they go out tonight, he said yes, but that he thought WH might still be out. I looked at my watch, and said, Bob, it is 3:38am�bars are closed. I then just asked him point blank, �is he seeing someone?� Bob, to his credit, tripped over his Adam�s apple a couple of times, and then said he didn�t want to get involved, it was not his place. I just smiled and said, thank you for your honesty, that was the answer I needed.

After that, he opened up a little more abt the sitch. Confirmed WH went tubing with her and another couple in Austin last weekend (so another lie--him saying he WANTED to call me and come see me--what an [censored]). Said he didn�t know WH was even dating her until a couple of months ago and that they had all hung out a few times at bars. I asked him if they met around March�he really didn�t give me a response, so I told him I assumed that was a yes, because that�s when suddenly WH had �doubts� abt our marriage. I asked if she went out with them tonight, and he said yes, so I replied, this explains why he won�t answer the door or the phone (WH must have been shi**ing bricks when he saw me in the peephole). Bob apologized a lot and said he didn�t really get into WH�s personal life, he had heard some things from WH abt our marriage, but that maybe he was wrong to have believed him. I replied, well, of course you would believe him�you work with him every day�you�ve only met me a few times. I did relate that WH kept saying that he loved me, did not want a divorce, and was lost and confused. Told Bob that obviously he was lost and confused because he wanted to have both me and a girlfriend

I asked him if she knew that WH was married�he said he didn�t know for sure�that he thought she knew he was in a relationship, but that he was going thru some probs, but he really didn�t know. He was worried abt me when I told him I was driving home--asked me to please call him if I had a problem on the road. I thanked him again for being honest and told him WH wld never know he told me�that I already KNEW, I just needed the confirmation because WH kept lying to me and stringing me along (yes, I know I helped him do this). Bob said he could not lie to my face and he was just so sorry.

So I decided to try confrontation again one last time. Went back and knocked�no joke�for exactly 28 minutes, every minute or so. I am surprised nobody came out to yell at me to stop knocking. Only once did I say something: �Open the door, I know you are home�. He never opened and he never answered my continued calls because he is a coward and couldn�t face me.

In hindsight, I wished I had said more�like commented aloud to this girl that I am his wife, he said just this week he loved me, didn�t want to divorce, that we were making plans to see each other next weekend, did she know we were still having sex even in late June, etc, etc. I am sure that whatever line of bull he gave me he is also giving her a line as well.

Finally left, and he finally answered the phone while I was driving home. When I asked why he did not answer the door, he said because he had company. Tone of voice was the exact same he used when he was in the car driving from Austin the weekend before�standoffish and cold. Our entire conversation lasted maybe 2 � minutes. ( Amazingly, I had not cried and to be honest, even now I have not. I got teary �eyed a couple of times today talking to my friends, but no real crying.)

I said to him, "I knew it�how many times did I just ask you to be honest with me, why couldn�t you do at this one thing, that I want to throw up when I think about how we had sex in June while he was apparently screwing her too" (this was the only time he made ANY comment�he said, ok we don�t need to get into that�I said other things�typical BS stuff�"how could he do this, hope she�s worth it, I just never thought he could do something like this to me". I said, �you know I talked to your best friend and told him I knew there was someone else and he swore, he SWORE to me that you wld never do something like this, that you wld have the decency to end things and not string me along, that I needed to TRUST you when you denied you were sleeping around. All I was to you was a backup.� I guess he didn�t like that because he hung up.

He has not contacted me since. I am humiliated at how little regard he had for me after so many years when he has only been seeing this girl for a few months. I called first thing when the bank opened and took my name off of his acct. I think he knew I was still on there. He made no charges last night and last weekend, when he went tubing in Austin, he didn�t make any debits either. I don�t even care at this point abt paying for the divorce. I just want to forget he ever existed in my life.
I know many of you have experienced something similar, some even worse. I can't even feel anything right now. I knew, but I didn't want to believe...and I know y'all know how that feels, too.

So happy I have therapy on Monday--so pissed I canceled my Dr appt for antidep's. I really think I could use them over the next few months.

At least you finally found out the truth. Get rid of that cheater/user. He used you.