Please I need help ASAP.... i found H is having a PA with OW (co-worker) who is also married. What do I do. I'm pissed, feel sick, can't sleep..... can i really be upset? I did it 5 yrs ago. I can't expose it at work it'll ruin his career plus he didn't do it to me. WHAT do i do???

You handle this just like any other A is handled. Just because you did it, does not justify your H having an A of his own. I learned this the hard way when my H had an A and then I had one several years later. There is NEVER any excuse for an A. You have every right to be upset.

You're going to have to expose it to everyone, and that includes his place of employment. He isn't going to be able to stay at this job anyway, if you hope to save your M, because there's no way to do that if he continues to work with the OW. You've been here for awhile. You know what you need to do.

Read this thread mm, and read the link it contains to exposure.

I'm sorry you have found this out.

When do you expect the test result?

You have been here long enough to know the drill.

EXPOSE.

He is military exposing to work would hurt him since he wants to stay in which would hurt my family. What do i do?

plus all i have is some texts messages between them very clearly talkin about the sex they had but is that enough do i need more before i confront him?

I should get the results for the test on thurs (tomorrow)

mm,

You must read and discuss a lot more here before you confront him. For the moment, do not give away that you know ANYTHING, and later on, when you do confront, do not tell him that you have seen his text messages.

It is critical that you NEVER reveal how you got your information. If and when you decide to give the marriage another chance, you will have to continue spying on him. You might not like the thought of that (I remember how you resisted spying just recently) but if you do not do it, your H will be able to pull a false recovery on you.

My H did that to me, because after I confronted him in 2003 and we decided to work on the marriage, I trusted him to end the affair. It never occurred to me that, after we had nearly split up, and after the happiness we appeared to be finding in (false) recovery, he would keep his affair going on the side. It was easy for him to do this because she lived in another country and he saw her when he travelled there.

I discovered the continuing affair in 2005, a full two years after the first D day, and getting over what he had done by deceiving me for two years nearly destroyed me. To make matters worse, on confrontation I told my H that I had seen him texting (though not that I had read the texts) and after that he simply left the company phone at work, instantly depriving me of any more knowledge. He then kept the PA going for another 16 months (3.5 years PA in total), and I felt that as I was unable to prove that he was still seeing OW, I could not wreck the children's home. This half-knowledge and his gaslighting drove me to a near nervous breakdown, and recovery, when we finally entered it, has been very difficult.

Most importantly, the EA that lingered after the PA ended was only stopped by my discovering these forums, listening to the advice that I read here (I was too nervous to post), and exposing to the OWH. I'd had his contact details for nearly two years by then. I found them easily on the internet.

It was only when I read here that I realised that I had been enabling the affair for 4 years by not contacting OWH. I did not expose before because I did not want to break up her family and I did not want to jeopardise my own marriage by invoking my H's anger with me. What I never grasped until I read here was that I was allowing OW to break up my marriage by protecting the affair with silence.

It isn't easy to expose in the military, or in any situation where a job is at stake, but it must be done if you are to give your marriage a chance. Without exposure it stands no chance. You can choose to protect your H's career, but you can kiss your marriage goodbye while you do it.

Please read the "Exposure" thread that is linked on the "newly betrayed posters" thread. There are long discussions between posters about why exposure is necessary, how it works and what happens if you do not do it.

Additionally, you could take a look at a few threads in the Military Marriages forum here. Those posters have dealt with the same issues surrounding affairs between military personnel that you are facing.

Reading these forums is a quick way of getting your questions answered. Please do as we say and read!!!

Wait for this result before you have any talks with H.

If it turns out that he is not the bio father, and since he has probably been having this affair (or others) for the two years since you first came here, you might have to conclude that he is not committed to building a new marriage with you and his daughter.

Ok it's just o i act normal like i dont know anything. I just feel sick and dont think i can make myself sleep with him. It sounds like they are having unprotected sex by the way they were talking. That could explain why i've been having so many probles lately but i'm calling today to go see a obgyn. How much do i need, do i need pictures of them together. I'm so lost. Ok i'm gonna go read now.

No, mm. you do not need pictures. Most people never get pictures! The text messages are enough.

Do not have sex with him until you enter recovery, get HIM STD tested and you have a way of spying to know whether he is adhering to NC. Your health is at risk now. We have had posters pick up the HPV virus and develop cancer from their H's PA.

We are only talking about a couple of days of avoiding sex, and trying to not to arouse suspicion that you know about the affair. I imagine that you will be in a position to confront by the weekend - having read here and knowing what to do.

Once you confront, then you can openly refuse sex until he is STD tested. Even after that you must use condoms, because he could carry on the PA whilst lying about NC.

He's heading for a child with this woman, but let's hope that does not happen.

so i just wait.... i dont think i can it's making me physically sick. How do i go about exposing. I read where it talks about who to expose to but not how to go about doing it. Im not good at hiding my emotions and he's been asking about if im mad or is something wrong. I really need some advice. I can't keep acting like eveything is ok. he is home now and it's killing me. I printed out the texts but do i show him and be like WTF i dont know how to do this.

When he asks you what is wrong, you can respond with, "I am feeling sick." THAT is the TRUTH. You most definitely ARE.

Get the evidence you have and put it somewhere safe. Do you have a family member, or a friend that can hang onto it for you?

You need to get OW's info too for her family friends and H if she is married. Does she have facebook? You should copy all of her friends and keep it somewhere that your WH can't find it.

Now, after you compiled your list of exposure targets, including your WH's command, you will start calling, emailing and messaging. This needs to be done all at one time.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646


from Schoolbus

MelodyLane wrote this

and this is about exposure targets.

so do i expose first then confront him??

Expose first, otherwise WH and OW will have a chance to get "their" story straight. You do not want them getting together against you on this. You want this to be an ambush. This is your best weapon to end it.

Yes you will need to talk to his CO. I would make that my first stop since to end this they can NEVER have contact again.

Do not worry about his career at this point, he is not too worried about it or he would not be in this position. The reprimands he will suffer for this are a result of his actions, not your being honest. Think about it this way, it is not wrong to report a crime, it is wrong to do the crime. That is what an A is, a crime against the M.

After you speak with his CO, then tell OWH. Then move on to friends and family. But you need to try to accomplish this all in one day. Nuclear!

He will find out and be PISSED. This is a good sign, the angrier he is about the exposure, the more damage has been done to the A.

ok got it im starting now. thanks

((((mm))))

Good luck! Stay Strong.

Remember, whatever happens you are fighting for your marriage. You should never apologize for doing the right thing.

do i need to write a letter of can i just go talk to his co and show him the texts?

what about her co?? she is on a temporary duty, so do i go tell her co too? because once she is finished they work side by side again so I'm not sure.

Yep. Her CO would be on your list of exposure targets.

Writing to the COs would be so they can't sweep it under the rug.

You WILL get some mixed responses to your exposure though. Don't get discouraged, this is the RIGHT thing to do.