The times I have snooped on other people were not situations. They were just my "wrong" way of finding things out about people. I know I should not have, but I also did not "use" anything that I found. It was simply for my own knowledge.

That was knowledge you had no right to have though. When you're not married to someone they have no responsibility to you or the relationship and they should be able to keep whatever they want secret. Once you're married thats not the case. You need to know everything.

About the GPS, my husband and I have been having fun with his new iphone. He installed mobile me so I could track his whereabouts (I didn't ask him to, I know where he is anyway because I have his work roster and pay details and he always gets home when I expect him) but its so much fun to track his whereabouts when he's on his way home and then text him "Since you're at the petrol station, can you get some milk?"

Its not demanded from him, but freely given as I would give the same to him if I had an iphone lol. Today I'm at home and he's at work and I've left my webcam running in the living room here all day so if he gets bored at work he can peek at us. I love that he is interested in my life.

I so want this....it was non existant in my 26 year marriage---well the last 15 years or so for sure....the man I was seeing for a few months...he was interested in everything I thought or did. It felt good to have that..

I agree that is a great feeling. DH and I used to do the same thing with webcams - back when he worked and I was home all day long. Nowadays we just keep a constant running commentary of our day. We had to get ourself unlimited texting on our phone since we're constantly texting each other.

Sometime's we'll get to the end of the day and have already shared everything important about the days events with each other...

I love that.

That's called a Disrespectful Judgment, on her part. It's a Love Buster, and it really stings. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I will encourage you by mentioning that Conflict is often the state of mind in marriage between Withdrawal and Intimacy. And down the road, she can learn not to engage in Disrespectful Judgments.

I think if you don't understand what I was saying then you don't quite fully understand the Basic Concepts, yet.

I meant Markos, how does what in what I said mesh for me? I wasn't sure what part of what I had said you were commenting on. Thats where the confusion was.

All of the comments about staying in touch and texting all day long and watching on web cams. I thought that is what the end of the day was for, have dinner and talk about your days. If you both already know about your days, there ends up not being much to talk about. One of you even mentioned that.

For myself, when I am at work, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my wife and what she is doing. We are both working and have our own things to do.

There is tons to talk about. We never run out of stuff to talk about lol, thats why we need more time during the day as well as the evening to fit it all in.

Being a man, my first thought was "Great! That frees up more time for recreational companionship and sex!"

And my second thought was "After spending all day talking, that's probably how she feels, too."

I said we've runout of stiff to talk about- regarding our day. There's always more to talk about. Common interests, games, dreams, our daughter, the past, the future.... Or if we're talked out... Make out session on the couch!!!

The nice thing about being in love is you can't get enough of each other.

We both do get enough of each other at times. I know, according to you guys that is simply because we are not truly in love. To me, I would think that regardless of how in love two people would be, you would get tired of each other to an extent and want to be away from them atleast somewhat.

We do some talk about those otheres things you mentioned Vib, but not much.

Markos- I understand what you said, but no that is not my first thought. Though she is pushing for more sex so that we can get pregnant.

You already are away from each other during your working day. I think when you're truly in love thats enough time apart and you can't wait to get back to each other at the end of the day.
It doesn't mean you can't ever do anything seperately but you certainly don't find each other's company wearing when you really are in love.

Yah, I think I have heard that one before. The joy of wanting to spend time together comes and goes.

You know Tom, I'm no expert here, but I have heard so many people say this same type of thing. It's common "wisdom" these days that everyone needs to have "me" time and that if you want to spend all or most of your free time with your spouse or SO you are "needy" and unhealthy. Well, honestly I thought that way too for a long time.

In my first marriage I had times that I did "just get enough of my XH". Even when we were dating sometimes spending time with him was the last thing I wanted to do and he would get on my nerves. When I had a bad day I wanted to go home and sit in the quiet, away from him. Turns out we weren't in a good marriage. We ended up divorced.

Now I'm in a relationship where I can't get enough time with my SO. He is my best friend and the love of my life. When I have to be away from him I miss him and when I have chores or errands to do I always ask him if he would like to come with me because even the most mundane tasks are fun with him. I would rather spend time with him than with anybody else. That's not to say that we don't spend time with other people. It's just that we are still usually together when we do. Which also helps with the whole not having inappropriate conversations or relationships with others...cause we know who we are spending time with and we can see how the other interacts with people.

Also all of our "stuff" is open to the other. If he checks his email or text messages I can sit next to him, look over his shoulder or ask nosey questions and it doesn't bother him a bit. Same for my email, facebook, texting or anything else he wants to see is completely avialable to him. We trust each other because we have no reason not to. He knows everything...literally. And so do I. Because we love each other and we want the other person to be our main source of relationship satisfaction...and if for some reason that is not the case we each want to know so that we can fix the issue. We are very in tune with each other because we make it a point to be. Spending lots of time together and really talking, even when you feel like you already know the other person inside and out is the best way to develop that kind of bond. That's why UA is so important. That's why Intimacy (not sexual) is so so important. That's why even though those things are hard for you...you really, really need to make an effort. Which I know you have, and that's great. Just keep it up and add a little more each day. Before long you won't be able to wait to see your wife and tell her everything in your head.

If you read some of the threads here from frustrated husbands you'll see just how very fortunate you really are...

Your comments about missing your husband even when doing small things does seem odd to me. But it made me think about my wife. She often comes home from work and says that she missed me. I still have never understood this. How you miss someone after being apart for a few hours when you live with them all of the time. I occasionaly miss my wife, when one of us is gone out of day for a day or two. Otherwise I don't understand how you miss someone when you see them multiple times in a day.


On a side note, I am excited that I just found out we are going to get a new puppy. That will definetly be something that will take up some of my time and energy.

Yes Mark, I should be happy that my wife wants to have sex with me on a fairly regular basis. For me, it is nice, but something that I could have or not. But I also have to keep her happy.

I think you find it odd when people miss each other after just a few hours apart because of the notion (which lots of people buy into) that independence and doing your own thing is some sort of high calling. I used to feel that way. Women especially are told that you can't show to much interest or want to spend too much time with a man or you will come off "clingy" or "needy". And okay I get that in the beginning of a relationship if you have just met someone and expect that you will be together all the time from the point of meeting, that might be too much. But in the bounds of a committed relationship (ie. marriage) the independence eventually causes issues. That's why Dr. Harley states that IB can be so detrimental to a marriage. Because what it comes down to is that when you aren't with your spouse you aren't thinking about your spouse. "Out of sight, out of mind" if you will...and that is damaging. Because what it means is that the other person is only important in your life when they are right there with you, affecting your immediate behavior, mood or actions. Thats how affairs start...in the mindset of "me" time, and what I want, and how everything affects my life...rather than a we mindset. I miss my SO because I think of us as "we" rather and "him" and "me". He is a part of me...sounds corny, but true.

So Tom, do you feel that way about your wife? Are you a "we" or just you and her? Is she a part of you?

Tom,

"Me time" is highly over rated, IME. It is nothing more than code for "I want to do something that will not make my spouse happy."

When people are being brain washed, one of the most effective techniques is isolation. Having no human contact causes all sorts of mental problems. Nobody ever died from not being alone but people who become isolated often lose hope and some even commit suicide. Being alone is not an emotional need.

But you see, when you enjoy your time with your wife, you want to be with her and when she enjoys time with you she wants to be with you. When you each begin to desire not being together, it is because your time together has become boring or a source of unhappiness.

I'm not saying you can't have activities that separate you from each other but if those things are done because you don't enjoy being together, then that is the issue that needs to be addressed. When we get married, we often fail to make each other our favorite recreational companion and before long, we enjoy our time with other people more than we enjoy being together. That is a recipe for disaster if either of us begins spending our most enjoyable time with a member of the opposite sex or even if we simply find ourselves enjoying the company of a member of the opposite sex.

Boredom and lack of intimacy causes us to want to not be together with our spouse and once we fall into that trend, we start to justify all sorts of things. The solution is to make the time together more enjoyable and not to spend more time apart. If we find the right things to do that make our time together more enjoyable, so that our most enjoyable time is the time we spend together, then intimacy grows and we want to spend even more time together.

That is exactly how this whole MB thing works. It is what the Love Bank model is all about. It is how we fall in love with each other. Unfortunately, it is also how we can fall in love with someone else if we allow it to continue along those kinds of lines. We need to strive to make our most enjoyable time of our life the time we spend with our spouse. When it isn't, THAT is what needs to be fixed because THAT is what will make us be in love forever.

Mark