Thank you for the suggestions! I wasn't quite sure what I should have done at that point. But I KNEW he couldn't talk to her in here with me right by him. Anyhow....I will remember those things too.

Also, just a question...he asked me to come sit on his lap while he was here. He said he wanted to talk to me...so I did, but that was as far as it really went other than the goodnight kiss. But what boundaries should I actually have when it comes to physical contact with him at this point? I KNOW no sex...but well, hm I DO like sitting on his lap...and we can look each other in the eye and really talk that way too, so is that good or bad??

What would a wife normally do? She WOULD sit on her husband's lap. You are encouraged to do what YOU feel comfortable with. The no SEX part is just because of STD's. You want to protect yourself from those. There are many times when a BS does continue to have SF with their WS. That is up to you. You know that your life would be at risk.

As far as how far you should and could go, it's your call. ONE of it would be WRONG for a Plan A. Plan A is about MEETING needs in your spouse and most men have SF at the top of their list. Don't second guess everything. AFFAIR NO. MARRIAGE YES.

Ok. Thank you so much for clarifying that for me. I didn't realize that. I guess I'm doing okay with just doing what comes naturally in some things then like the sit on his lap. Thanks for helping me figure that one out.

NP, it's in the job description.

I don't remember exactly what I said, think it was when I told him the I miss you, etc. But he was looking straight in my eyes and said "I miss you too a lot of the time, but sometimes not so much" Then his text went off again and he groaned. LOL. Okay...well, that's something. Like I said, no expectations but it is nice to hear once in a while that he responds. Keeps me having faith in myself and plan A too.

And now I'm ready for my big night on the town tomarrow night! High School reunion...25 years...man it's been a long time LOL. But it should be fun.

Well, went to my grandson's bday party yesterday. It was nice. He turned 3. They had one of those bounce houses. Only talked to WH once yesterday it was while I was there. He wanted me to relay a message that he couldn't make it cause he just got paged to go out of town. So I did. That was okay.

Went to class reunion at night.; Was there until 11:30. That is really late for me at this point. LOL. I got to see friends that I haven't in years and we got to catch up a little. I did okay, only cried once but that was okay. They all knew that I am having a hard time and were very supportive of me.

This morning I got a text from WH. "How much would you sell trailer for and to me, not someone else?" So I texted back that I'd have to think on that one cause I hadn't thought I was going to sell it, but to tell me what's going on and we could talk. He said, nothing right now, but we willl talk later. .... wondering what's happening there that he would even consider that....either his mom is really on his nerves and he needs out that bad..or what....but I DO know that it would cost him. LOL. I don't want OW in MY trailer. I don't want OW in our LIFE! So, hmmmm, will really have to think on that one and see what he says when he calls later. Not sure how to handle that one...but I know that he says he has been saving up to move and to file for D or what about selling for a certain amount and then saying that it would cost him time before D to work on us?? Bargaining?? Well, it would cost him enough to put him back to square one. I KNOW I would make that happen. Besides that the trailer is worth it, I know the value of it. But I don't know how that would really fit into my plan A either. And I don't know how to make this work for my advantage without really thinking about it here or if it's even right to think that way at this point....he needs help, I can help him out, but hm...I need help too. Can't even pay my electric bill right now...so what to do...I don't really want to sell the trailer, but hm...I'm confused here. LOL. Hmmmm....what does everyone think here?

Please? Anyone? I don't know that to do and I'm afriad I'll be a total fool when he calls back here. As we all know from family and friends wanting what they feel is best for us...they don't understand the confusion this has put on me. They don't understand why I would even consider worrying about more time before he can possibly file, they don't understand what I am doing or why. They keep telling me to just get rid of him. Well, I'm not I want to do what is right for me. And what is right for me is to fight for my M. But I need someone to offer up some advice if you can?? Please?????

And now I just get a call from a number in OW area code. It is different than mine. I do not recognize it, no message...hmmmmm, I'm really hurting today again. I'm just really not sure what is going on since he really hasn't talked to me much in the past two days....but I'm doing better for myself too.

I did talk with an aunt of mine who is going to help me with the electric bill. She's not happy, but not upset with me. She's upset with WH. She actually told me she'd go "kick his a$$ all the way home where he should be". LOL. Okay, mental picture for ya here...she's 63 years old, 5'2" and maybe 120 soaking wet. WH is 6', 185 lb and drives a tow truck, so mostly muscle there. LOL. Oh yeah, like I'm gonna let her go after him. But it was fun to hear.

Anyhow, please offer advice cause I'm still unsure what I should do with this question. I'm just not sure I can be that nice when I KNOW he's still with OW...but it would help him out and that is what I'm supposed to do too and give us someplace other than this house to see each other in private...so hmmmmm, please what suggestions would ya'all make??

I wouldn't help him out with the trailer thing. Just tell him that you were going to use it and you weren't thinking about selling it. You can't wait until you can go on a trip together across the country and spend your golden years in trailer parks. Then giggle.

Now, the next time someone, anyone wants to go give your WH a piece of their mind, let them. As a matter of fact, have some business cards made up and hand them out.

LOL. Yeah, I will be more than happy to let my aunt give him a piece of her mind....no problem there...the problem is I think she'd try to actually hit him or something and that could be a problem. LOL> But hey, whatever trips her trigger huh?

Thanks for the trailer thing. I just wasn't sure what to do about it. That was my initial thought, I REALLY don't want to sell it to him so that they can have a placed to be alone. So I'm gonnna go with that.

Oh, and I do find things out from my MIL at this point. She is soooo cool! I guess that OW has corrected WH speech and spelling to the point of him throwing his phone. She has complained about his work and it's a job he absolutely adores LOL to the point of fighting over it....she has pushed because he WAS here Friday night and she had accused him of sleeping with me because we were in the bedroom together while he was getting his favorite pocket watch....she has done much of this. I guess she's pushing to the point that mom is waiting for her to blow it all up LOL.

Mom then said, you be patient hon. Don't worry this is just him having MLC and being stupid. He'll come around. I'm sure of it but this will depend on how patient you can be. LOL.

K. No problem. Don't necessarily like hearing about OW, but I DO like hearing when she is screwing up sooooo badly. That's good for me and it's nice to know too. Mom swears that she sees a difference in him when speaking to OW as well. Like he's getting defensive. And she CAN tell whether it is OW he is talking with or ME. This is cause he is not defensive with me and just has a nice conversation.

So I thought I would tell ya'all the insider information I have gotten today. That was nice since he really didn't talk with me all day. Just to know that I AM in his thoughts even when I'm not talking/texting him. Love my MIL!!

Also, I made some decisions today that are strictly for me. I have decided that I really do not like my house. I really, really HATE it. And this is something that WH and I have discussed at length for a few years now....so I am going to sell it. I'm going to use the money to buy a travel trailer that is nice and big enough for me and my furbabies. Then live in that. It will enable me to have the money to finish my degreee and to be able to get a stable position with some kind of company. It will also allow me to get out of this town, which is one of WH biggest things is getting out of this house and this town. The house is mine. He has said it is mine no matter what. He is willing to sign off so that there is no question of that if we do D. So that's not a problem. But being in this town and this house is one of his biggest things...it is mine too. I really, really don't like the house, it's just too big now and too much work. We have talked for a long time about getting a large enough travel trailer to live in and a nicer vehicle to pull it in case we wanted to go somewhere.....so I'm going to facilitate that. His mom actually agreed that this is a GREAT idea and will give him more thought as well that I am making changes in me that he will like and that I really like...I'm letting go of my one major crutch.

So I hope I've made a good choice, but it's one I made and will enjoy regardless of what happens with WH and me. I think it's good for me.

I'm really having a bad day today. Not that WH has done anything wrong or right. He called once today to talk for a few minutes. That was it.

But I'm having a hard day. With lots of regrets about the things I did and lots of hate for myself. I KNOW that I'm not the only one at fault here. And I'm NOT letting him know I feel this way especially today, cause I'd be all over the board with emotions to him. I just really really feel hate and regret and all kinds of other not good emotions today.

I feel like I would have been better off if he had just killed me than this. But I KNOW that I would never do anything to harm myself, just the way I feel right now. I have kids/grandkids to think of too. That is a MAJOR thing to me.

Here, just to tell ya'all how I'm feeling, this is from my journal a little while ago.

**
I hate myself for causing all of this! I miss WH so much! Just when I think I can't cry anymore, I start again and can't stop. I knwo it doesn't matter, I just hurt so bad right now. ...I haven't taken a shower in a few days....no reason to...I haven't eaten but half a sandwich since Saturday...just don't care...I haven't made my bed in weeks...no reason....I haven't been to work in 2 weeks...doesn't matter. I am just lost, lonely, desperately hurt and can't find my way back. I feel like I am drowning and I pretty much don't care. I guess this is a bad day huh?
***

Well, I was just venting and needing someone to talk with. None of my friends are available...so I came here. *Sigh*.

{{{{CAMI}}}}

I am soo sorry you are having a bad day

We know it is hard, but we also know you can do this, we know you are a very strong woman! Maybe when it gets this bad, like today was, get out of the house and visit a family member, or go do something for you, go shopping, new hair cut, manicure, etc. Do something for YOU!

Keep going, we know you can do it!

Sapphire,

Thanks for that. It's so hard. Gosh, I couldn't have ever imagined this!!

The post right above the one I just did was actually a good one...so was the one before that, well okay several above were good ones..but then I get hit like today and just can't hardly breathe.

It would be so much simpler if he didn't waver so much! But every time I make what could be deemed as progress, then he goes and hangs out with OW and he's back to distant for a while. It's frustrating and hurts. I KNOW this is what I should expect. I KNOW it. I just hope that I'm doing okay for me and that maybe, just maybe he sees a difference that means something to him at the same time.

Right now he does not see the difference, only because he doesn't WANT TO! He will pretend nothing has changed, until your next plan (plan B)otherwise, he wont see it.

I KNOW that too, but I'm so stubborn sometimes LOL. It's just hurting today. I'm sticking to my plan A at this point and I'm giving him everything I can while learning about myself too. I don't know how to handle it sometimes, but I do get through somehow...though I'm not always sure how. I just pray and say...please help me. That's all I can do sometimes.

So new question here cause I need to get out of my dolldrums for the day.

On this coming Saturday, I will be attending the family reunion of my WH. His Mom and Sister have clearly stated that OW is not welcome and WH has assured them and me that she will not be there.

Here is my question. I have exposed to his immediate family (sister, mom, dad, kids, brother and brother in law, sister in law) and several friends know as well as my family all knows. Now, here's where I'm wondering. I will be at this party with ALL of his aunts and uncles in attendance (these are his mom's family) and I don't really know how I'm gonna handle it. So I wondered, if I can't handle it and just have to get out of there and am asked why, should I tell them that I'm not able to handle being there because my WH has left me and is having an A with OW and I just can't handle any more right now?? Or should I respect his family and just say I have to go.

Although, the reason would actually be what I stated, should I tell them all that, or should I just whisper it to one or another of the aunts and let them tell everyone else, which I KNOW they would do they are gossip mongers LOL, or just not say anything.

Please advise here!!

Also, if you have time to read my last few entries, I haven't gotten much response on them and would really be interested in hearing what everyone thinks at this point.

Thanks!!!

My first reaction to the family reunion is to tell them. I would do it in the loving way, like the exposure letters. I will let the "vets" chime in on this one as well though. I am still really NEW to this stuff. Still learning.

As far as your feelings, this isn't called a roller coaster ride for no reason. I sometimes feel GREAT one moment and then the next, I am a babbling uncontrollable freak(okay, only I think I am a freak). If you have read my thread, you would see that sometimes I would post like that too. It is a very strange thing.

I don't remember if you answered this before, but are you taking any ADs? They would be really helpful with regulating your moods. Do you have an end date to this Plan A? You can't do this forever?

bumping in hopes of more advice. Thanks.

If someone asked me why we are separated I would NEVER lie to them, I would tell them the truth.

"Husband is having an affair with so and so...and I couldn't handle it any longer, right now I am in the process of trying to get him back, I still love him dearly, and miss him."