This is a different subject, and I don't want to dilute the responses to either one by combining them.

It's good that you have told your daughter what you think and how you feel. I suspect she is too hurt and angry to have an in-depth conversation with you about it. I do hope she will get counseling. Maybe your other daughter could help her do that. Sometimes our prayer must recognize that we are not always the one who can help--so we say to God, "Please send someone else."

She has been abused, and it's an awful thing. You have been abused as well, and that's awful too. Both things need to be put right.

You have my prayers, which include "Please, God, send someone else."

I responded to the rape question by stillstanding. My daughter is getting counseling.

Received word tonight that my cousin's son-in-law killed himself this morning. Left 3 young children.

My older daughter and I are trying to get flights out tomorrow.

What a tragedy. Those poor kids...and all the family. I'm sorry for this additional sorrow. Seems like when it rains, it pours. (((77)))

Glad DD is getting counseling. Not an easy thing to work through. Prayers for both of you.

RHW

(((77)))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm glad that your daughter is getting counselling. Please don't take it personally if she can't talk about this with you. Sometimes, it is hard to face your parents. Take comfort that she has help. Be a safe place for her to find comfort. Please do not chastise her at all for this. She will blame herself enough for this I imagine.

As for you, if I were there, I would never shake you. I would give you a big hug and tell you that it will be ok. I would advise you to get a "legal" separation to honor your wishes towards marriage. I would urge you to get your money straight. I would tell you to start liiving and enjoying life without the abuse. You CAN end the abuse. You can say NO MORE. ENOUGH! You can do this.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through yet another blow. Hang in there, it's got to get better, soon!

Assume you're back from the funeral. How are you doing?

Got home last night, June 23.

I stayed to help. Widow and kids moved to parents (my 1st cousin) upon the death. 2.000 attended viewing. Deceased was a state trooper under job stress for 18 mons. Apparently nothing in place to help the troopers. The widow tried everything, he was hospitalized for a while, had to wait months for counseling - left totally up to the family. Was suffering alot of physical, emotional and mental symptoms.

The widow wants to never let this happen again. She wants to see the "system" change. But right now, is scrambling to figure out how to support her family, does she need to sell the house, take the job, move with parents, etc.

Hardly any time to grieve.

I worked as a servant. Kept the food, laundry, cleaning going as the house was full and constant with calls, texts, emails and three little crazy kids. ( and their even crazier visiting 3 year old twin cousins.)

The little guys tried to crawl in the coffin with their daddy and open his eyes to "wake him up".

The whole family is wrecked.

I knocked myself out to keep the physical needs met and was well appreciated. The deceased's mother wanted to take me home with her. My cousin said she could have never made it without me. At first she thought she should get up and help, then she saw she could just let me do whatever was needed -- I would see it and do it. She could just deal with her family and grandkids and grieving. So I felt I helped.

But, one night when the deceased's friends came to counsel the widow - one trooper partner, one insurance broker, one former military - they brought up everything - the offer the state police would make or not make her, insurance policies, the mortgage, trust fund for the kids, etc. -- I once again started thinking about what I need to do and don't want to.

The widow did the bill paying, the deceased did not do a good job of filing,record keeping, etc. so she has to find and figure alot out.

I always tried to teach my husband how to organize our records and finances. I tried, but finally had to let go of my concerns about savings, investment, retirement, etc. because bringing them up made him feel like he could not please me, he was a "failure".

Turns out I will have to now go back and gather, organize and see how little he has probably planned for a future.

I guess it's the finding out and further disappointment and probably anger that I will feel at his lack of care about me and therefore planning for our future and old age that I dread.

The truth of, "yes, he did fail to take care of us" despite earning a good living.

Listening to the widow talk about their investments for retirement, and how they varied the percentage of what they invested as a kid-less couple, then as parents, and planning on increasing it again as his salary increased - all served to make me feel further disappointed with a husband who would never have such conversations with me.

I have always been frustrated in attempting to have such conversations with my husband about such things. Now I understand why - because he said he never wanted a future with me. OK - but since you stayed with our family for 33 years - don't you think something was in order to plan? How else were we to be taken care of?

I was doing OK helping my family at this tragedy until the "meeting" of advisors and family began to show me once again, how little my husband cared to plan for us compared to most people.

Once when I asked him how we would live after retirement, he said, "We have two businesses we can sell."

Well, first of all, you have to have someone willing to buy the business, then you have to get enough for it, then you have to invest the profit to provide an income.

So, he sold one business in OCT and after paying off the realtor, lawyer, accountant, share holders, taxes, etc. there is nothing to "live off of for retirement". He did pay off the house. But doesn't that mean that one of us will have to buy out the other or sell it?

Century farm, which my oldest daughter wants to run, so I want to keep it in the family, his family, which it belongs to. How will I "buy him out"?

So that leaves the other business which he still manages and works in. This business provides our livelihood. He says he'll never retire. So selling it is not a likely possibility.

Seems he has set it up so that he will have to work until he drops dead to keep an income coming. He has put nothing in place to pass it on or train a new manager, etc.

So, the upshot of my family's tragic loss has served to make me dread even more what I must now deal with. I will be the one, like my widowed cousin, to have to pull it all together and figure out how to live.

To top it off, my sister (breast cancer survivor who I spent weeks living with and taking care of during her treatment, thereby allowing my H to have gobs of time alone with OW in our home to further develop his EA) told me today she is now being tested for ovarian cancer as her CA125 levels are "elevated".

Sometimes I think I must be a pretty stubborn case if God has to do so much "refining" on me.

It was a sacred service you performed for your widowed relative during that crisis, 77. Know that. Perhaps you will stay in touch with her as she works through her grief and the process of providing for her family. She will hunt down what resources she needs, as will you. It will be very hard for you both, but women have done for centuries.

Please try not to focus solely on what your husband didn't do to provide for your later years...and investigate what you CAN do to provide for yourself. You are close to being able to collect on Social Security, for example. A judge will divide your property and income fairly (50/50 in many states). Plus, your H will be required to pay alimony, and who knows what other expenses. You must protect yourself at this point, because you have learned that he will not. And in the end, You will be okay.

If you need inspiration, read Chai's thread. Her WH left her after 30-some years of marriage and ran off with OW. She had no job, only a fledgling business that was failing. She had to sell their home, moved into a small condo. He paid her not one cent. After their nasty divorce two years later, she was left with very little. All this while dealing with a drug-addicted daughter, who got pregnant--twice--but wouldn't clean up. She cared for the first one, a "crack baby" after he was born. It was unbelievably hard, but she just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Her newer thread shows a woman who triumphed in the end, with nothing but hateful stuff coming from her WH the whole way. An inspiration, even in her darkest hours.

Look for inspiration, 77, here, and wherever you can find it.

You CAN do it. You must, to preserve your sanity and hope of a better life.

If you'd like, ask the mods for my email address. I'll stay with you.

(((77)))

Right - I attempted an email to the moderator Justuss2 and haven't heard anything yet.

thanks, just thanks.

I'll make the request as well.

77, did you get my email address? If not, let's just set a time when we'll both be here and I'll type it here. When you post that you've got it, I'll delete it.

No, I have gotten nothing.
I can be available Friday, July 9th.
I am in the Pacific time zone so after 10am would be best PDT.

see you here tomorrow, 10 am your time.

Missed you, I guess. Deleted addy.

My apologies, got away from me, forgot to check the forum before Friday, so didn't have the time..
If you're willing to try again, your call and choice of time.

So sorry

Hi 77. I'm going to be online most of today, and I've got your thread marked to email me when there's a post made.

So, I'll keep checking.

RHW

HAH! Maybe I gotcha this time.
Here's how to reach me:

Tried it - gaming website? Did I miss something?

Huh? That wasn't a website, it's my email address...

Maybe you could post YOUR email address (and delete when I get it) and I'll start.

Hasn't arrived yet. Been checking. Maybe it's rush hour in cyberspace...