Threadjack:

Nomader, can you come work at my office?

Or at least provide some links or references?

Ok then, spending time with the three teachers from across the hall does not make you like teaching more, it makes you like them more. How's that?

Sure, Markos, should I start a separate thread somewhere or email it to your email address listed?

I agree with that completely. I like my friends more when I spend time with them.

Go ahead and start a new thread.

Do you see how that can translate to your wife? And your marriage?

Ugh, Tom, you are impossible. You know the point I am making but I will spell it out for you anyway. You were arguing that spending time with these people was part of team building and was good for your job satisfaction.

My point was, that is a bad excuse to spend time with other women without your spouse. But did I really need to tell you that?

Yes I see how that translates. I have said, I have been spending more time with my wife, trying to have more UA time and RC time together.

And then by the contrast effect, this causes you to like your wife less:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5069_qa.html

I still do think that liking the people you work with helps you have better job satisfaction. If you don't enjoy those around you at work it is going to bring down your satisfaction there. Who wants to spend their day with people they dont like?

You don't have to like them outside of work. You might like going to work more because you see your friends there but you don't like your actual work more because of them.

Coworkers hinder job satisfaction when they: are bullies, hide information you need, steal credit, make your job harder, spend a lot of time complaining about work with you, etc.

Coworkers help job satisfaction if they: are not bullies, provide information you need to do your job, recognize your successes, give you honest, helpful feedback, etc. - they can do all of that without being your outside-of-work-without-your-spouse friends.

Wouldn't the people you work with be the students, though?

Didn't you say it's already an option to not spend time with the teachers you don't like, and there are teachers who do it?

I had my greatest job satisfaction at places where I made buttloads of money and my co-workers all hated me. But, I never worked by-the-hour anyway...or got any satisfaction from superficial relationships...

Some people are just different. I had the opportunity to change grades levels to one I would prefer last year, but it would have required me changing schools in the district. I chose to stay where I was because I had met some of the people at that school and didn't have the greatest feeling about them. So I stayed where I knew I liked the people even though I wanted that grade level.

Be honest. You stayed because of your special friend. Dumb move.

No, I stayed because of the people overall. Other teachers, admin., my grade team. It is a good group of people. Now if I were to make more money by leaving, then that I would do. That is not the case though.

So this isn't a work thing - it's a social thing.

I am great friends with two co-workers. We love to socialize together. It's fun working here because I get along well with them. We're not in a field like teaching where primarily your day is spent with kids - we work as teams getting various projects together. So I get the idea that camaraderie is important.

Two things though:

When we get together it is ALWAYS couples/families. ALWAYS.

And you know - I work just as well and get projects put together on time, and just as good with the co-workers I don't interact with socially. My work is not better when working with my friends, I'm not more productive (in fact it could be argued I'm less since we're joking and joshing more - but don't tell my boss).

This is another example of you not putting your wife and marriage first.

If you're planning a social activity - putting your wife first means, she is number 1 on the invite list. You make it so she can go to. She should be around for any social activity you plan.

So you're doing more UA time and RC time. Good - now do this. Integrate your wife into your social life. There shouldn't be a divide between your social life and your family life.

Dr. H has used this analogy:

Men's lives consist of different rooms. Their work room, their hobby room, their dad room, their husband room. When in each room they are focused on fulfilling their specific role that room requires. Completely focused.

Your wife needs to be invited into each and every one of those rooms. She should be right there by your side, mentally in the back of your mind when you do any activity, involved as much as she can be.

So invite your wife into your 'work' room. Invite her into your 'social' room.

What harm would this cause your marriage? (Not you and your personal social life and ability to have IB)

It would cause no harm to your marriage, in fact it would better it.

So why not?

ETA: I'm not sure if this has been linked yet, but some revealing thoughts on Workplace Culture and 'Teambuilding'

link

And you'll note most of the contributors to this thread are those who actually have interacted in workplaces and dealt with affairs. These are those who have been there and done that.

Oh and I'm with Nomander - most of the literature I've read supports the notion that 3 things are required for workplace satisfaction:
The ability to control your activity,
Complexity/ challenges,
Acknowledgement of your success
and that's a paraphrase.

Perhaps, Tom, you find your job satisfying because you have a high need for Intimate Conversation, Admiration and Recreational Companionship. Perhaps the reason you can't identify any need you want met, in your marriage, other than FS is because you're getting these needs met - by your coworkers.

That's why your job is so satisfying. It is meeting your Intimate Emotional Needs.

That's why you're not in love with your wife and don't really want to let her meet your needs. Because they're already being met in a 'safe' non-threatening environment that actually requires little by way of commitment or vulnerability from you. And you don't have to 'deal' with any negative emotions in this setting - there's less emotional interdependence with friends than a spouse.

FS is so important to you right now because your coworkers CAN'T provide it, and you believe your wife should- and she isn't so you're feeling the loss.

What if you stop interacting socially with coworkers for the whole summer. See what it feels like to lose that - see what you miss, and see if you can get your wife to fill that area instead.

What would you say about my wife having social gatherings and outings with her friends where I am not involved. She gets together often with other people and I am not involved. On the other hand there are times when I am involved. I don't think the intention for either of us is to leave the other person out. It is more to have some time just have some time with friends and the spouse does not have to be involved. We are comfortable with each other spending time away from the other person. She does it as well and it does not bother me. If both partners agree to this and are happy with this, isnt that something that would fall under POJA.

And I do invite my wife into the different rooms of my life. As I said, she has hung out with these friends. We just are not in each others rooms constantly, people need a little bit of space. And both my wife and I have agreed on this idea. We have seee/talked about couple friends of hours that seem to never leave one anothers side, and we both have said we don't like that.

I also find my job satisfying because I enjoy teaching. I enjoy the work that I do. That along with enjoying the people I work with, makes it a job that I don't complain about all that much. As I have said though, I still am looking to make a change at some point to make more money, who wouldn't want to make more money.

Do you know there have been a fair amount of studies done about the level of income and happiness. The studies show that people are the most happy earning 60K a year. (Course I'm not sure if that's per person or per household. But since only 20% of US households make over 100K a year, I'll take a guess that it's households.)

So, that also means researchers have found households who have incomes of 80K aren't as happy as households that have 60K. That means households in the top 20% of earners aren't as happy as the household that brings in 60K.

While I'm not curious about numbers. Based on our teacher salaries, I'd say you and your wife should be getting fairly close to the "magic" number of 60K.

Beyond 60K, money doesn't buy more happiness.