Things will not get better at home until you go NC with OW.

Not a chance.

Do you understand that? If you don't yet understand that, will you at least accept it on faith? On faith that the people who have BTDT can see around this corner you are currently blind to?

You sound like you could use a big handful of faith, Tom. If you feel like it, take a half hour to look at "The Man I Want to Be" here: http://www.brownsbridge.org/messages

I know a music teacher and an art teacher who went through this. They slept together and it nearly destroyed a family. Oh, wait! That was ME.

The reason you will not tell your wife is because you want to keep this "excitement" going with the OW. You think you are entitled to it because you aren't happy at home. You want to sleep with her, and telling your wife will ruin everything. I know this is going through your mind because I WAS you.

I am not going to tell you what to do. You will do what you will do, just like I did. And you won't feel a bit bad....until you do, and then you will feel worse than you can imagine.

Then again, maybe you will be more moral, less selfish, and smarter than I was. I hope so.

"But to him who knows the good to do and does not do it, to him it is sin."

C'mon, Tom. You're a college educated individual...you know better than what you're saying.

A student cheats on a test. He doesn't admit it because he doesn't want to hurt his parents feelings.

A student cheats plagarizes on a submitted paper allowing him an award that would've been given to a friend. He doesn't tell the friend because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Why do you continue to lie to her? When you care about something, you protect it...in that you don't do things that will hurt it. You are not protecting your wife at all. You are doing things that will hurt her and keeping it from her.

If the roles were reversed, what would you want to happen?

CW, thank you for your concern and comment, I do appreciate it.

Luri, I do recall your story and previous warnings. I would just like to say though, that at this point there is nothing "exciting" about it, there just isn't. Yes, I enjoy the time together, mostly because it is easy, it doesn't take work, we don't have to tiptoe around each other, there is no worry about hurting feelings, we highly respect one another. Its just easy and comforting.

Do I think I am entitled? I don't know, entitled to being happy, yes. Want to sleep with her, again I don't even know if the answer to that is yes. There have been thoughts and dreams about it, but I don't even know if I want that, I just have thought about it. Of course I will feel bad, I feel bad that I have even been thinking about it, but at this point I can't stop myself from thinking about it.

KT, to be honest, at this point...I would not want to know. If it was an EA, I would simply not want to know. If it became a PA then I don't know. I have always said in the past that I could forgive a PA and move on, I have thought about the reality of it, but I know....you don't know how you will react until it actually happens. But an EA, i would just rather not know and hope it doesn't go any farther.

Yes I have done and thought things that could hurt my wife, but I can't change those things, all I can do is try and protect her from that hurt which would come with actually knowing. I "rationalize" that this okay, because that is what I would want if the role was reversed.

You also may want to consider that your wife has picked up on the lack of emotional intimacy between the two of you. Likely, she already knows something's wrong between the two of you. She just doesn't know what.

The only marriages I knew where ones where emotional intimacy was absent. Meaning, I thought having no emotional intimacy between a husband and wife was normal. I still knew something was "wrong" in my marriage, when my husband was withdrawing from me.

Sure, we didn't talk about things until d-day. But, just because we didn't talk about the fact that we were both in withdrawl doesn't mean we were blissfully ignorant of the terrible condition of our marriage. We both knew things were bad..

Tom, I was unable to get this video clip to work for me, but I watched it in the past, and I thought it was pretty cool. I like how Dr. H really gets right in there, doesn't tiptoe around the hard issues. Please let me know what you think, if you get the link to work!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Yes, I know she has picked up on it, she understands some of the reason for it, just not all of it. I want to keep it that way. I am back to work, thus I am busy again, less time for the intimacy. The marriage is not terrible, rough and hard, yes, but not terrible.

What are you thinking man? Coming to a marriage builder board and telling us you want to continue the emotional affair?

R U NUTZ?????

Tom, I think you are kidding yourself about how much positive input you are getting from the OW. One sign of addiction is the level to which a person will go to avoid giving up the addictive thing.

So make a test, refuse to have any contact with this person all this week, and keep notes regarding how this makes you feel. I think you'll find it's eye-opening.

Meanwhile you are being a bit like Cleopatra (the queen of denial).

Bubbles, maybe I am nutz as you say. I simply come here telling you the update on how things are going on, yes telling you that things are not going all that well and what is happening. I am telling you I do want my marriage to be happier, but its not, I am trying to do things that will make it better, but its not easy. And right now I have pleny of things in my life that are hard, so I do try and avoid some of them for the happier things.

Happy, I am sorry but I can't take that test, even if I wanted to. I am required to work with this person on a daily basis.
But no, I don't want to give up the contact with the person even if I could. I can't remove one of the few things in my life right now that brings me happiness.

Tom, this isn't "happiness." An A (EA, PA it doesn't matter) does NOT bring happiness into your life. It may feel really nice and it may seem to make you happy in the short term, but I can guarantee you that it is not real happiness.

My A started out as a friendship as well, and then I started having thoughts of it becoming sexual, telling myself that the thoughts were harmless, because I would NEVER take it that far.

Famous last words. If you don't know my story, take a look at my signature line and you can figure out how that one ended.

You don't have to work with the OW. You don't have to continue to have contact with her. You are CHOOSING to do these things. In the long run, it will destroy you. At least you're coming here and expressing these things. I didn't share my feelings with anyone, therefore, no one could try to talk some sense into me. I really hope you're listening to what everyone is telling you. Can so many people (most of whom have BTDT) really be wrong?

These things ALWAYS end the same way. Nip it in the bud. Tell your wife. Start looking for a new job NOW. End ALL contact with the OW for life. There is no other way.

There is a difference between working with someone (i.e. taking care of work issues), and having a "special work friendship". I think you know the difference. If you aren't willing to make sure the work mate is only a colleague and not a potential girlfriend, then your marriage is doomed.

If your marriage is so bad that it needs "special friends (possibly with benefits)" then you have no sort of a viable marriage.

Be honest with your wife, and let her have the opportunity to make changes or not. To hide these details from her is to rob her of the opportunity to make changes. Yes it is dangerous, but so is what you're doing.

Tom, did that link I posted work for you, for the video clip? There's nothing dangerous in there, really, what harm could watching a video clip do?

You are stealing from your wife. Stealing her life, stealing her choice. Doing the worst thing you could do right now.

Hey, Tom, I am so glad to see you back.

It's admirable that you are trying to make things better at home, but I don't think you realize that the number one reason why things aren't as great as they could be with your wife is this other woman. There are other issues, and Marriage Builders can help you with each and every one of them. But this woman is the one issue that your marriage cannot survive.

No matter what you might fantasize with this other woman, it would never work. The only hope for you is to make things work with the lady you are married to, and the first obstacle to that is this extra companion of yours.

Marriage Builders is a comprehensive program which can give you a great marriage, but only if you follow it. The program can't work if you cherry pick it and select only the parts that you like. Every piece is important. And it's the hard parts that will result in your own personal growth and make you a husband that your wife gets excited about.

Yep...never doubted it for a minute.



Yep...never doubted it for a minute.


Only a matter of time...and then you can come back and tell us that you did it and that we were right about that one too.

committed

Thank you Markos for welcoming me back during this update. I appreciate that.
But I do have to disagree with that the friend is the worst thing on my marriage right now. I still believe that finances are the hardest thing on the marriage right now.
Markos- also your comment in regards to what I fantasize with the friend would not work, I don't even know what it is I want. I mean, I know I want to be friends with her, and I would be happy if thats all it ever is. But my not being happy at home, is not directly related to her, even if she were not in the picture, I still would not be happy at home.
I also understand your comments about the progam, but I have said all along I do have a hard time with that. I do believe in some of the ideas here, but not all of them.

RC
AMEN! ITA! This is stealing everything she knows about her life, right now. She has been held from the facts she needs to live her life the way she choses to.

TJ:

That may be a good discussion for another post. Is there anyone here who wishes that they didn't know about an A?

I think the chances are slim to none.

Or beleive they were benefitted by (this is for the BS not the WS) the time prior to knowing the truth?