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Now is NOT the time to go anywhere. Being away from home will not help you think what you need to do.
Your children need you at home. Right now, you are the only semi-sane one to be there for them.
Call her up, tell her to meet you at home, that you have something important talk about and tell her you KNOW what she is doing.
By the way, on my D-day, I also wanted to get far, far away. I looked up ski trips to Patagonia, South America. I didn't go anywhere because my children needed me to be there for them and later they needed me to work on the marriage to their father.
AM
Last edited by armymama; 07/15/10 12:37 PM.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Canuck, Let me just say from my semi-professional opinion after years of being on this board, I think this affair will be over ASAP once you expose. Your WW has not said she wants a divorce. Most of the WW's looking to leave give the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk and start saying the marriage isn't working. Your WW has stated that she WANTS to stay marriage. She is just addicted to the OM. Once the consequences come to bear from exposure, that will kill the affair, and after a short period of time, she will be remorseful. This reminds me a lot of the story of Runnerboy. Maybe you can check out his story. Runnerboy I'd be willing to bet you that if you acted the same was as Runnerboy after he found out about his WW's affair, she would react the same way. You need to be strong, firm, and unafraid like Runnerboy. Your WW will end the affair, stay depressed for a couple of months, and then will start showing true remorse. But you need to get strong and kill this affair first. Use Runnerboy as your model.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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man, after witnessing what you did with your wife & OM, if the shoe was on the other foot...I'd be in jail right now, pleading temporarily insanity...seriously...
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Your letter: This has gotten out of control. I don't know how we went from being the happiest couple in the world just a few short weeks ago to where we are now but something has to change.
I need a few days away to think and sort out my feelings. I will be safe and I will have my phone for emergencies but I ask that you do not contact me. We both need to reflect on where we are and where we are going. To do that I need to be left alone for a few days. We can talk when I return.
Please respect my wish to have no contact. This is the wrong move. You can go away later after you confront her. Furthermore, this letter reminds me of another poster name YEG. It simply sounds too "touchy feely".
Stanley
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tlc, please don't leave the letter and please don't leave. I know you are upset and confused now. But timing is critical to your situation and if you don't act now, you will lose a strategic advantage in saving your marriage.
YOU ARE MAKING SERIOUS STRATEGIC MISTAKES WITH YOUR PROPOSED PLAN.
Many of us on this thread have the objective outlook you need along with a successful history of saving our own marriages. We can calmly and strategically lead you through this if you will put some faith in us.
But please understand that this note and leaving will give the affairees a look at your hand and will eliminate your strategic advantage.
Your wife will immediately know when she sees your letter that you KNOW. With you gone, that will give her time to get her story right with the OM and cover their tracks.
You are tipping your hand to the enemy, the affair.
Please. I implore you to calm yourself down and let us help you in this critical time. We are objective and we know how to manage this in a way that will protect your marriage while killing the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah I've got proof, I guess I just needed to be beaten over the head with it.
I need to get away. I just arranged to have tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday off (and longer if needed). Luckily I work for some of the greatest people around.
Tonight is Thursday so W has her weekly card game with the girls. While she is gone I am going to pack a few essentials, grab my bike and head out. I will be safe but I need just me and the open road to sort out my thoughts and feelings.
I will contact the POS's W and ask her to keep a lid on things until I get back and, if she doesn't, so be it. I need time alone now more than I need to ensure things are handled properly.
I'll tell the kids that I am taking a fun road trip for a few days and my son is going to his mother's tonight for the weekend anyway so that's at least one out of the way. I know they'll be OK.
If me being away drives W further into POS's arms, then so be it.
When she gets home tonight she will find me gone and she will find a letter which will say:
---------------------------------------
W
This has gotten out of control. I don't know how we went from being the happiest couple in the world just a few short weeks ago to where we are now but something has to change.
I need a few days away to think and sort out my feelings. I will be safe and I will have my phone for emergencies but I ask that you do not contact me. We both need to reflect on where we are and where we are going. To do that I need to be left alone for a few days. We can talk when I return.
Please respect my wish to have no contact.
H
---------------------------------------
I need to figure out what I want. I said all along that if the A was physical, then I'd be out of this marriage but, if I am being totally honest, I just don't know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get that image out of my mind or look at her without it haunting me.
The one thing I will really miss is you guys. This place has become my therapy and my safe place and I don't know how I would have gotten through the past week without it. I will try to check in here if I find access to a computer while on the road and I will check in as soon as I get back.
I'll check in before I leave in case anyone has any input on the letter. No offense, but that is the worst (edit) idea I've ever heard on MB. *edit* Running away from your problems? GO FREAKING NUCLEAR! Tell your WW's girlfriends at her card game what she has been up to in the houses she's been showing. Tell her employer what she is doing to client's homes. Tell your (step)children what is going on. Tell her family what she has been doing. Go to OM's house, and tell his WW what you know in front of him and tell him to stay the he11 away from your wife. Figure out how to block his phone, email, facebook, everything on your WW's phone and computer. CONFRONT THIS THING HEAD ON! Now is the time to stand and fight, not duck and run. Otherwise you are just pissing away your chance at getting this marriage back on track. Don't run away. Stay and fight.
Last edited by Breezemb; 07/15/10 01:00 PM. Reason: tos bypassing profanity filter - offensive
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Do not leave your home. Do NOT leave your home. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!
Your children need you. NOW is not the time to curl up into a little ball and feel sorry for yourself. Now is the time to act. Expose NOW!
If you leave, you are setting up a precedent that ends with you kicked out of your home and your wife free to move OM in with your kids and family.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME!!!
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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DO NOT LEAVE!
I know this is hard...but you are making the wrong move to leave now...
You need to EXPOSE this A to EVERYONE even her work place!
Please...if you want to save your marriage then do not leave for 3 days, you need to take that time to EXPOSE!
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*edit*
LEAVING = BAD IDEA
Last edited by Breezemb; 07/15/10 01:01 PM. Reason: tos - offensive
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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No offense, but that is the worst (edit) idea I've ever heard on MB. Let me say this a little louder... No offense, but that is the worst (edit) idea I've ever heard on MB. Listen to us. EXPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by Breezemb; 07/15/10 01:09 PM. Reason: tos
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Don't leave.
Talk to WW and see how she reacts. Don't wait for her to come home.. Go to her work and talk to her. Do not wait!
You feel awful, but it will pass.
Tell all your children right away.
Stanley
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Actually, I think he should expose before he talks to his wife. Exposure should be done and over with before she finds out he knows - this way she can't spin anything to anyone.
Exposure list:
Parents
Boss (as she's using work resources to carry out her affair)
Close friends/family (including her cardgame group)
Your children
Tell the OM Wife to Expose on her side to the same people.
Do this this afternoon - take the afternoon off if you must.
This is a critical time, you cannot be paralyzed by fear here.
MOVE!!!
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Yes, yes.
Expose to everyone first.
Then confront WW.
Tell her calmly that you know EVERYTHING. Tell her that you know MORE than she does. B/c YOU do. YOu know what a liar POSOM is. YOu know that email he showed her was a fake...a TRICK to make her take her clothes off. YOu know that the fake basement scene was a TRICK to get her into his bed. You know he's done this before.
YOu can do this!!
YOu MUST do this!!
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Boy you guys/gals don't pull any punches do you?
Ok, so if I do stay how do I handle it and I don't mean the exposure, I know from reading here the right way to handle that? I mean how do I hold myself back from flying into an angry rage or breaking down like a child?
How do I become the calm and cool pillar of strength that I need to be?
And, most of all, how do I do the things to save my M when I don't even know if I want to save it?
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It is really this simple: #1 -----> Take off, try to get your thoughts straight = affair goes underground, your WW gets more foggy, gaslights you when you return. Things go even more downhill. #2 ----> Nuclear exposure = end the affair NOW. Then take some time to get your thoughts straight. Your head is going to be spinning for the next few weeks or months, sorry to say, whether you go for a bike trip or not. Think about calling your dr and getting on AD's. The plan you outlined for us?? 
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Whether or not you want to save the marriage, you want to end the affair so that your boys don't have to get their vulnerable young lives involved with this so-called "human person." So blow up the affair. You can decide later, after Creepso has bailed, what you want to do about the marriage.
tl
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Actually, I think he should expose before he talks to his wife. Exposure should be done and over with before she finds out he knows - this way she can't spin anything to anyone.
Exposure list:
Parents
Boss (as she's using work resources to carry out her affair)
Close friends/family (including her cardgame group)
Your children
Tell the OM Wife to Expose on her side to the same people.
Do this this afternoon - take the afternoon off if you must.
This is a critical time, you cannot be paralyzed by fear here.
MOVE!!! tlc, this is the plan I also recommend. Exposure will kill the affair so that is where I would start. Expose the affair exactly as outlined by Vibrissa. Then when your wife comes home, she will have heard about the exposure. She will be furious about your exposure and will rant and rave all manner of crazy fogbabble at you. Liken this to snatching the crack pipe away from the crackhead. The key thing here is to not burst out laughing when she starts in on you. Don't fight, don't yell at her and don't try to reason with her. But please listen to us, tlc. I know you are hurting, but leaving and giving her a note will make this situation worse, not better.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Others will answer your other questions but as to this: how do I do the things to save my M when I don't even know if I want to save it? You ABSOLUTELY should not be making decisions about your future in the heat of passion, in a swirl of emotions. Do not make any rash decisions. I know exposure may seem rash, but really it is a measure that will provide you options down the road. It gives you a fighting chance at recovering your marriage. If you walk down the marital recovery path and realize you cannot do it, then you can walk away. Walking away now, not exposing, does not allow you the same choice-making ability. You leave now, you decide in the heat of the moment, and you lock yourself into a decision you may regret down the line. Exposure opens up the future to you. Leaves you the ability to chose recovery or not in the future, when your temper has cooled, when your head is clear.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Jim, I don't remember if I have ever been called a pansy before and certainly not to my face, but thanks for saying it. I guess I needed that slap.
Time to re-evaluate and I won't go anywhere just yet.
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Boy you guys/gals don't pull any punches do you? We don't want you to hurt yourself. We care!! We have been there. Ok, so if I do stay how do I handle it and I don't mean the exposure, I know from reading here the right way to handle that? I mean how do I hold myself back from flying into an angry rage or breaking down like a child? CHANGE YOUR FOCUS. Focus on a strategic exposure, tlc. You will be emotional, just do your best to control your feelings. If you feel your anger rising, then leave the room. And, most of all, how do I do the things to save my M when I don't even know if I want to save it? You don't know. And you don't need to make that decision now. Just go through the motions NOW and then decide later.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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