I just came on for a quick update since I can't spend a lot of time on here from home but reading some of the posts - entertainment and panty jokes?? tells me an update is not what I want to do. This will be my last post.

For those that do care, thank you. My marriage is over, but I'll survive. I've been through a divorce before and I got through it and I'll get through this one too.

For those that saw this as entertainment, sorry but the reality show has been cancelled.

For those that see me as a troll, now you can pat yourselves on the back for calling it out and chasing the troll away which of course only proves he was a troll anyway.

Don't make any rash decisions and don't get chased away. When peoples' lives are getting destroyed on a daily basis around here people tend to try and make jokes to lighten the mood. Sometimes they can offend the person they are trying to help.

Why is your marriage over? Did you expose? Did she say it was over? Because that's what all waywards do upon exposure. That doesn't mean it actually is. My WW told me that "I had made the decision for her and we were definitely getting divorced now." Guess what? That was almost 4 years ago, and I'm still married. Don't give up just because of what your WW says in the heat of the moment during her affair.

tlc, please do not make any rash decisions. There is no reason this marriage can't be saved. If your wife threatened "divorce" because you interfered with her affair, then she is just like every angry WS who just got caught! That doens't mean they ever follow through on it.

Please come back and let us help you through this.

**edit**

So how did the exposure go last night? Is that why you are feeling like it is over? Because of your WWs reactions? We told you she would be angry and the things she would say.

**edit**

Dude, you have 23 pages of posts in 3 days by very concerned, caring, and helpful people who have all been through something similar and lived to tell the tale. A couple of off-color posts that may have been misconstrued (the semen test is legit- you'll find mention of it in all of these threads) and you're throwing everything else away along with it? I was reading along during my work day trying to fight back tears at times wishing I could get in and post just to give some encouragement and let you know it was all going to be okay for you and your family, as long as you were strong enough to follow the plan.
Plan D is easy, but you already know that. So is hopping on your bike.

If you ever loved your wife the way you make it sound like you did (the one thing that really pulled at my heart strings for you), you owe it to HER to try to help her pull herself out of this filthy mess. Exposure is the only way. It is not easy.

Or you can call your lawyer from the road.

opt

Please tlc,

The jokes are merely to lighten the mood, I am sure they did not know it would offend you.

There are people on here who wants to help you with your marriage, if my husband didn't find this website I guarantee you that we would have ended in a divorce, so please don't write us off just yet, when all we want to do is help you.

I don't know what happened last night, but it sounds like your wife went ballistic after you exposed....and that is a GOOD sign!

I told my husband over and over while kicking, screaming, threatening, and punching him this...

"I might have ruined the marriage, but you ended it, by telling the whole world our problems."

The fog will finally lift, don't give up on your wife just yet tlc.

Last night I was talking to my husband in bed while cuddling him, and telling him how grateful I am that he never game up on me, that my life would have been a mess if we had divorced.

So please, ignore those post that offended you and let those who can help, help you.

not everyone that's been cheated on by a spouse (physical affair) has any desire to save a marriage...i've even heard Dr. Harley say that if the shoe was on his foot, he'd divorce, but if the BS wants' to save the marriage, then his program will work...

the choice is his to make, and if he decides to divorce her, that doesn't make him weak or any less of a man...

Of course it is his choice to make. No one is disputing that. And no one would blame him if he did divorce.

HOWEVER, such a life changing, emotionally charged decision should not be made while under extreme emotional duress. Almost EVERY BS feels like they want a divorce upon discovery, but when they calm down and really think it over, they have a change of mind.

That may or may not happen with tlc. But it is foolish to make a life changing permanent decision based on very temporary feelings while under extreme duress.

TL,

If you wish to discuss things offsite, notify the moderators by hitting the �notify� button and have them pass on your email. I�m happy to continue communicating that way.

There have been some misguided attempts to lighten the mood, but the truth is that the panty test is a legit tactic some BH�s have had to resort to to prove infidelity.

Don�t feel you have to run. You can always click on �ignore� for posters that are annoying. You�ll find that happens in every online forum you go to. There are some here who don�t like my advice, which doesn�t always fall into MB territory.

I can understand your thought process about divorcing. I�m not sure I could ever go through a recovery if I was ever cheated on again. But don�t feel that there aren�t those of us out here that are very willing to help you through either personal recovery or recovering your marriage.

There�s legal issues you really need to take into consideration since you have an 11 year old to think about.

Was your WW remorseful? Do you care?

No one here can blame you if you wish to go to Plan FU and D. Even if you leave, you were still an inspiration for BH�s who are afraid of doing what needs to be done. If anything, I ask you to post so that other men can use your actions as an example of what to do. We can always point to you as an example if we can have the rest of the story.

Again, please don�t leave because of a few posters who stepped over the line. They can be ignored. I�ve been on this forum for years and you�re one of the few men who has come on here and not been a weakling in dealing with his WW. That alone makes you very valuable as an example to others. Please tell us what happened.

I'd would wager $1000 bucks that he started exposing, it got back to his WW, and she came home in a fury and told him, "I can't believe you would do this to me. You have no right. I would have worked on this marriage had you not exposed, but now it is over. You have ruined everything. We're getting a divorce." He listened to what she said and it completely broke his spirits.

Listen. This is what you should have expected her to say. She is a WW. They all react the same way. Do you think she would have taken exposure in stride? If she did, that would actually be worse for you. The fact that she was SOOO angry meant that exposure WORKED! It dealt a fatal blow to her affair and she knew it. You ruined the fantasy of her addiction. And like any typical addict, she lashed out at you for cutting her off from the source of her addiction. She blames you for her unhappiness now. Her mind won't clear until probably a good 2-3 months after NC w/ OM. Then she'll realize she is to blame for HER choices. You can't take to heart what a WW says. She said OM was just a friend that needed someone to lean on. That wasn't true. So why should you believe her now when her emotions are running high and she's an addict that just got cut off? The answer is you shouldn't. Don't let the rants of a WW break your spirit. Don't make any life altering decisions so soon after D-day. Calm down, take a step back, let exposure run it's course, let your WW calm down after exposure, and see where you are again in a month, two months down the road.

tlc, if she has threatened a divorce, I want to assure you it is meaningless. They are just the empty, enraged words of a falling down drunk who was just cut off by the bartender. It is the classic fogbabble we see here every day and it means nothing. Almost every RECOVERED marriage on this board heard the same crap. And they are happily recovered today.

A WS is high on the addiction of the affair and once you remove the source of their HIGH, their outlook changes dramatically. You can't take anything she says seriously. That would be a huge mistake.

Her affair is doomed. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years of being exposed because the very things that made them possible, thoughtlessness and dishonesty serve to destroy the affair.

Please don't make any decisions until you are in a better frame of mind.

My gut tells me she didn�t respond in this way. She wasn�t a venomous WW prior to the discovery of this affair. She was trying to gaslight him about how everything was great.

My gut tells me she might be angry about exposure, but is remorseful about the affair and I would not be surprised by if she was begging for forgiveness.

TIC --

Your first posts described a very good marriage.
Don't throw that away in the heat of anger.

And don't throw away this resource in a fit of anger either.
There are a lot of people willing to help you sort through this ordeal. Really good people. Just ignore the few who aren't helpful.

Ok, one last update because there are those on here who have genuinely tried to help and it would not be right for me to leave them wondering. So call it the "series finale".

I am writing this offline and will quickly go online and post because I don't want her knowing I am on here and I will continue to visit the site but I will move over to the divorcing section and I will read a lot more and post a lot less.

Exposure was completed last night, but not by me. She did it.

When I cooled down somewhat I went home with my mental list of contacts and the intent to drive my son to his mother's, go park somewhere and get busy with the cell phone. She knew something big was up as soon as she saw me. I guess she saw the complete disgust in my eyes. She kept pressing me until I blurted out that I knew everything. She asked me what I knew and I told her why don't you tell me. After a lot or back and forth, she broke down and spilled.

She said it started as innocent flirting (didn't know such a thing existed) and she thinks the adventure and excitement was what drew her to it. The day she met him at his house it just "got out of control" and she did sleep with him. At that point she said she felt trapped and knew what she was doing was wrong and she didn't want it to continue. So what did she do? She slept with the [censored] again (but not when I saw them). She says they slept together at his house a second time.

The POS and a co-worker started a partnership a couple of years ago and bought a rental property as a retirement investment. Now they want to buy another and she has shown them houses. She showed his partner a couple and she showed the house I saw them at to her POS lover. She insists to almighty god that nothing happened inside the house and that no matter what I thought I saw that they were not holding hands. Says he did grab her and kiss her before she got in her car but that is all that happened. She gave me the partners number and I called him last night and confirmed at least that part of her story, not that it really matters anyway. I told him the whole truth about why I was calling and his reaction was "What they do is their business as long as she does the job for us"

She cried and begged for forgiveness and when I told her about my visit with his W, she almost totally lost it when she heard about the email and bedroom. She kept asking what she needed to do to fix it and I told her that I was not sure she could but it would start with telling anyone and everyone right this second. She told me her mother already knew. That one blew me away. She called her Dad (who is nothing short of livid with her and her mother right now), her sister, my sisters (who really think a lot of her right now) and her card group which are her closest friends. At my insistence, she tried to call the POS's wife, but couldn't reach her. I tried again this morning but no answer on either her home phone or POS's cell phone. I really want to talk to him.

We told the 19 year old. He is pretty pissed at his mother right now. I didn't want to tell the 16 year old right before he went to his mother's for the weekend because I don't want her to know about this yet. She will find out in due time, but I don't want my son dealing with this with her right now. The 11 year old was at his cousins and stayed the night

She spent the night at her parent's house at my request and she is still there. She called twice today already and continues to tell me she wants me and our marriage and she loves me and is so sorry but she is also playing the victim angle (seduced by a manipulating player). It's falling on deaf ears. I was cheated on before and was totally clueless until my W walked out. This time I found out through nothing more than some lucky(?) coincidences and a built-in suspicious nature from my past.

So the marriage is over - my decision. One step at time, one breath at a time from here.

After reading the last couple of posts, let me say this. I am not a drama queen and I probably over-reacted to certain posts, but over-reaction seems to be the norm for me lately. I have been in IT for 20 years but I am not an "online type". I don't use Facebook or twitter or any other social sites and use MSN strictly within family. So this avenue is very new to me - spilling my personal life to stangers and talking to a computer screen. Computers have been my job, not my social life or therapy.

helpthelostdads, I will be in touch soon.

If that is your decision I will respect that, good luck and I hope everything goes well.

I know you are feeling pissed, but I think your wifes willingness will be a mojor factor in your recovery. I think you are going to do a great job in the next couple months.

The next step is to sit down with her have her write a No Contact letter to the other man, in her writing, and at your approval. You are the one to put a stamp on it and mail it. I think hand delivery by you might be too emotionally charge, and your WW just can't do it without trying for some closure. There is no such thing as closure in an affair situation. That is reserved for high school relationships.

then you have to make a recovery plan based on MB principles. Read HNHN, and SAA with your wife.

Edit: You say your marriage is over, whoops I didn't read the last line. Well then in that case, that is your decision. I expect when you cool down you will realize that you still love your wife.

Hey TL!

So sorry for your pain. Discovery is excruciating. Many here have been through it. Give yourself some time to process things. If you really deeply loved your wife before this then give it a little time before you make any final decisions. From what you describe, her initial reaction is more promising then about 95% of the WS's on this board.

For what it is worth, your marriage has as good a chance as any of a full recovery IF you decide you want to go down that path. Your wife has given you the old 'get out of marriage free' card but it's up to you whether or not you want to use it. Nobody here would fault you for a second if you decide to divorce. All that I am asking you to do is give it a little time before you make any big decisions. You've been through a major trauma. You are in shock. Tough to be level-headed at the moment.

Hang in there man.... this too shall pass....

**edit**

tlc, you most certainly are not a "drama queen" and are not overreacting. I am sorry that was said to you. This is very traumatic as we all know. You held up great under fire and did a superb job digging this out.

Again, I will suggest that you not make any decisions based on temporary feelings. Your marriage is very recoverable. I was in your shoes when I came here 9 years ago. I had uncovered an affair in my new marriage after my previous husband had left me for an OW.

The problem in both of these marriages were that they were not affair proofed. You can have a marriage that is safe from affairs if you follow this program.

Please give yourself a chance to get over the shock. And then make a decision.

Folks, lets stop with the name calling and disrespect. Please keep your posts respectful and productive or refrain from posting.