And one more thing. Write down your thoughts about how you got where you are when they come to you. Don't dismiss them or criticize yourself for having them, but write them down so you don't lose that piece of the history that got you where you are today in a frenzy of remorse and wanting to put it all behind you.

What you experienced with your H that set the context for where you are was real and painful and powerful.

Your H and your M has paid the highest possible price for that information -- table it for sure for now, accept that is it no justification, but don't dismiss it either. Been together for 35 years - none if it ever, ever goes away. It just goes underground and then there you are, married for 25 years and having an A and more or less clueless as to why. If you follow this program, you will have a voice in a healing, hopeful way if you want to.

Pull out the questionnaires here and do them. You have to start somewhere. My BH and I did the EN one today, and when he showed me my results -- my "report card" -- I felt smug -- his looks nothing like mine which is a black hole of unmet needs. And then I said -- "wow, what I great wife I am! Except that tiny little detail of going to bed with someone else!"

The questionnaires will give you a place to start -- go through them and pick the one or the part of one you think you can tolerate going through that isn't hugely scary where you know you can disarm for the moment. For example, my H has one habit that drives me mad -- I have been walking 12 steps behind him my whole life. I have put that down to him being tall, etc, but I started our conversation with this non explosive habit issue and told him it made me feel unimportant. He had no emotion invested in his behavior, he was truly sorry, he said he would never do it again, and we had a moment of understanding and agreement. We need a million more of those -- but we started with the one.

I will second what Gloveoil said and add to it. I think I remember from your other threads that you are a Christian. Romans 12:2 says "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." For a Christian, the ultimate, number one, Bible-ordained, absolute way for a mind-renewal (which is part of what a wayward needs) is God's Word. So read it, copy it, meditate on it. Go through Psalms, buy Kay Arthur's "Lord, I Want to Know You," get into it. For a Christian, time spent like this is NEVER wasted, I don't care what is going on in your life.

I don't know where sapphire is, but that is one major thing she had to do to get herself through this was to bridle her thoughts. She forced herself to think of me when OM popped in her mind, or sought to do something else like go to work or read a book. She trained herself not to think of OM. I very proud of her.

As for your BS I see a need for him to jump on the MB bus with you.

I think the real question is how do you convince your BS that your current marriage needs to change without bringing up the past?

Redeem_Me

From this site:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html


If the link doesn�t work, copy and paste it into your browser. It�s this article:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 3
Restoring the Marital Relationship, by Dr. Harley

God bless,
Rose

Sorry to have started another thread. Didn't realize that I should keep my posts altogether. Not sure how to combine them now exactly. How do I contact a moderator?

* * *

I know it sounds like I'm trying to justify my affair. I'm really not. I think, if my BH was here, he could attest to the fact that I am doing my best to take responsibility for my behavior. Really, the problem is that I have had time to sit with this and decide to move beyond it; my husband, though, has just recently been blindsided by this information. I want to remain hopeful for us both, as I am the one who really needs to prove that I am wanting to make a positive change and desire to be with him; but he doesn't always appreciate when I talk about my hope for the future. Just a fine line really, maybe someone out there gets it.

It was said to keep myself busy when I think of the OM. I absolutely agree with that and have noticed that helping at times. I definitely am thinking, "Why did I do this? How did I let this happen?" and also thinking of the many ways that the OM wasn't really a good guy for me, so that's good, too (right?). It's helping me to let go of my feelings for him, and also helping me to realize that I made the right choice in choosing my husband over him.

I've been giving my husband hugs here and there, and he's welcoming them. We're making progress... Not sure how we'll be able to handle resuming a sexual relationship, but I'm hoping that comes in time. We've actually both felt like going there, but our reasons are vastly different. I want to prove my love for him, and he wants to out of anger and (for lack of a better word) "reclaim" me. (Don't worry, he's not possessive of me; he's very respectful.) I think it's natural for men especially to feel that way, though, like it's instinctual. Any thoughts on this?

I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted from the events of this past week, so I apologize that my posts are all over the place... Just trying to work through this...

Thank you all for your words of encouragement AND discouragement (in a good way). I do need to keep my thoughts on how to show my H love during this time and what I can do to become a better wife.

Reedem_Me

This is true:
�he doesn't always appreciate when I talk about my hope for the future�

because this is true:

�my husband, though, has just recently been blindsided by this information.�

He is in crisis mode right now, which is not a good time to try to convince him of your side of the situation.

You can�t change someone else, you can only change yourself. Begin to do whatever you have to do in order to become the best person you can be. Determine to be the best wife you can be, no matter how your H acts right now (do not accept emotional abuse and violence, of course).

�and also thinking of the many ways that the OM wasn't really a good guy for me, so that's good, too (right?).�

Do not think of OM at all.

�Just a fine line really, maybe someone out there gets it.�

We get it, but it�s not a �fine line.� There is a very distinct line between an H in crisis mode and a WW deciding �to move beyond it.� He needs time to decide what he wants to do, and time to heal and recover. The amount of time he needs will be on his personal schedule.

This is the voice of experience speaking here � I am an FWW.


God bless,
Rose

RM, as Rose said, it is not a fine line.

Did you read my earlier post to you? Your husband has been through a trauma comparable to rape. Let that sink in, RM. If you can understand the immensity of the blow he has taken (and no, you don't yet understand, but I have hope that you will), you can then begin to nurse him back to health.

You cannot treat cancer with an aspirin and some hope.

You cannot treat a heart attack with an Alka-Seltzer and some hope.

You cannot treat head trauma with a bandaid and some hope.

Hope is good. But you've still got to have the proper instruments and medicines necessary to treat the life-threatening injury.

Trying to find a "positive" from the affair is not the right approach to demonstrating hope. All that does is minimize the enormity of his suffering and is disrespectful to him.

A better approach would be to DO the steps of MB on your side. That will SHOW him your hope. We can all talk about hope, but what does it LOOK like? SHOW HIM your hope by creating the best darn marriage you can on YOUR side.

He won't start creating it on his side for a long time. Why? Because he's in ICU and still trying to live through the next few hours. It's a long road before a BS leaves ICU and gets to go to the "main floor". He cannot carry his side right now. If you are serious about recovery, you need to carry both of you for awhile.

P.S. To contact the mods, click on the "Notify" button at the bottom right of any post on your thread.

Better for you to hear from some of the FWWs on this, I think.

But my 2 cents, for what it's worth:
Your reasons for resuming sex don't have to be the same as one another's. My wife also went through a spell where sex was partly about re-staking her 'claim' on me. There were also times when she didn't want to touch me. (BSs have to fight through horrible mind-images re: the physical aspect of the affair.) I let her take the initiative; I didn't feel I was worthy of her, and I sure as heck was not going to push her re: getting back to sex. But I also sure as heck wasn't going to rebuff her. So my suggestion for you is, take it as fast/far as your H wants to take it. (Not having been a BH myself, I can't speak to whether a BH would be more "okay" than a BW with a WS taking the initiative.) But bottom-line, physical closeness is important; affection and SF are likely among the ENs that were previously going unmet for one or both spouses; and it can help your recovery.

P.S. -- Make sure you've gotten tested, though.