"My son is an adult (28) but I just don't think it's right to drag him into this mess. I'm not doing it to protect my H but to protect my son. I don't want him to think that it's okay to lie to your spouse. I don't know if that makes sense or not."

I agree with Jerry on this: explain to your son what is really going on. Your attempt to protect your son won't really benefit your son AND it will benefit your WH's wayward plans. If you don't want your son to think it's OK to lie to your spouse then IMHO you should expose the lying and inform your son that it IS wrong and that you DO onject to it. Covering for somebody who is lying to their spouse is not a way to object to that lying, but rather a way to endorse it. Most likely your son already realizes a LOT and your silence while your WH employs gaslighting tactics, ESPECIALLY if your son looks up to your WH, has the capacity to inflict a LOT of distorting damage on your son's sense of morality. Basically your WH is teaching your son that it IS OK TO LIE to your wife AND to then blame the BW by pretending she somehow caused or deserved the betrayal because she's supposedly acting strange. Your son needs to have you speak up and object to this sick role-modeling.

Just curious: Is this a sick cycle that your WH had modeled to him by his parents? Did/does your WH's father treat your WH's mother this way? And if so, did/does your mother-in-law fail to speak up? Did she go along with the pretense that her WH was behaving normally but that it was she who was acting 'crazy'?

Meremortal,

Well said, well said indeed. I don't have the words to put it that way, so glad you did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shadows,
I will still insist your son already knows what this rift is about. My son knew all along and thought he was protecting ME! You can teach your son an invaluable lesson about openess and honesty. Don't let this opportunity slip by you.

I am still guessing, your son already knows, and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't lose this opportunity to show him how the truth can benifit to all.

All Blessings,
Jerry

This is a PERFECT description of what happens.

In an A, especially if gaslighting has not been a completely normal technique of controlling the BS, I believe the effect of the gaslighting is one of THE biggest obstacles to recovery.

The FWS works VERY hard during the A to convince the BS that they are crazy, imagining things, there is no affair, they are telling the truth, etc. And they are FURIOUS that the BS will not believe them.

Then the truth comes out and the BS realizes they were NOT crazy and that they were RIGHT and that their perceptions were CORRECT.

Then AFTER the A, the BS desperately WANTS to believe that the FWS is telling the truth and that the A is really over. And the FWS ENCOURAGES such beliefs.

But because the FWS did SUCH a great job of convincing the BS that their perceptions were WRONG and CRAZY and that they don't know what is REALITY, the BS believes it, and the FWS is now mad that the BS will no longer believe them!!!

The very thing they were working SO HARD to achieve during the A has now become one of the biggest obstacles to recovery. The FWS WANTED the BS to believe they could not trust their perceptions DURING the A, but AFTER the A, the FWS WANTS the BS to try to believe the perceptions that have now been so corrupted from the gaslighting.

Add to this mess a 10 month false recovery, and you have...well, you have me.

It is one of the scariest things I have ever had to face...no longer having trust in my H, or myself. It is incredibly hard and confusing to try to learn to trust your spouse AND your own perceptions, after an A. It really does make you feel like you are crazy.

I do not throw the term "abuse" around lightly, but this is a true form of abuse. Nothing is worse than being made to feel like you are crazy. You really do start to believe it, and to try to reverse that is no easy task.

I hope this helps some BSs to know they are not alone, and some FWSs to understand how incredibly serious this part of A recovery this is.

Exactly. I used to say to him,

"You wanted me to not know where you really were. I don't."

"You wanted me to not know who you were really with. I don't."

"You wanted me to not know what you were really doing. I don't."

"You wanted to fool me. You did."

"Seems to me that you got exactly what you wanted. Seems to me that you should be one really happy guy right now. I don't understand why you're not."

Oh - and "gaslighting" is exactly how a 13-year-old boy relates to his Mommy when he's afraid Mommy might spoil his fun and he wants to outwit Mommy.

It's selfish immaturity when a 13-year-old does it to Mommy.

It's full-blown abuse when a spouse does it to their partner.
Mulan

wow!! Thank you for this explanation of gaslighting. I have been enduring MONTHS of this. And now I am starting to get it. Thank you.

Bump. Good information

https://www.theguardian.com/comment...-gaslighting-sanity-abusive-relationship

A useful article about it. I wonder, after my own experience, whether the perpetrator has any understanding of what they are doing. I think it is a sort of instinctive and perhaps unconscious way of trying to evade responsibility for their own actions, and avoiding the trauma associated with actually being honest with themselves and their partners.

Some context for non-British non-radio 4 listeners: the Archers is a long-running radio soap opera/serial based in a semi-rural location. It has a bit of a cult following these days.

Here is another gaslighting article. Apparently, the law in the UK was changed in 2015 to account for these forms of abuse in families. See http://www.bbc.com/news/stories-41915425

"In 2015 the Serious Crime Act - England and Wales - was changed to recognise:

Controlling behaviour: A range of acts making a person subordinate and/or dependent on their abuser. These include isolating them from sources of support, depriving them of means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour: A pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim."

And another one! http://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42460315

This one is interesting because it describes the perspective of the person doing the gaslighting. The calculated deliberateness of it makes uncomfortable reading if you have been a victim - especially for me, given that three posts ago I apparently thought it was not a conscious strategy! (That's BS fog for you...)