No activity on this thread for months, and then I cross post. Go figure.

Thanks for your thoughts, Bugsy. Well thought out and succintly expressed. I think we both understand that there are red flags all over the place. As much as I would like to get carried away with it, I'm working very hard not to.

You finaly got a handle on Sippy Cups and chocolate milk too.



I went 2-2 1/2 years back on Cowgirl's thread yesterday for no particular reason. It was one of those SD/SL/BC/James/chrisner 30 post deals while Cowgirl was actually working.

It was the day she made her "breaking in her wet filly" comment.

A lot of marriages were helped that day.

What a life saving environment this place was in those dark and seemingly hopeless days.



True DAT!


How are your neighbors handling that?

They aren't mind readers . It's probably just as well...the whole time I'm interviewing I am having conflicting thoughts about working full time again, about sacrificing time with DS8. I've never had this much worry free time off of work and it has spoiled me.

I read the earlier part of my thread, and that thread started at the beginning of my FINAL false recovery of three. It was so eye opening. I was sooooo closed off from the Z, who showed no interst in beginning the mountain climb we had ahead of us. I had allowed so much more damage to myself.

I love reading that you are so happy. What a joy to know your hard work has paid off.

That is NOT what I said!

I knew I should have put a lock on the door of my thread before I left!



Seriously, though, those jokes and goofing around by everyone saved me on some days.

Guy Smiley, they've all given the warnings so I won't repeat them. You know the drill.

I will say, though, that it CAN help for her to know that she was attractive and that she is "want-able." We all know how we felt after d-day. I for one felt like no one would ever want me. WxH knew me better than anyone else and HE didn't want me, who else in their right mind would?

Just be careful.

She'd be lucky to have you - when the time is right.

Fox

Just made it through this Thread -how are things Guy? Any update?

SDGuy .... Can you check in please?

Hi, Pep. Thanks for checking in on me. It looks like the timing of the inquiry was right after Chrisner's death, which was only a few weeks after my mom died suddenly. Looking back, I don't think I had any room to really process his death. I chatted with SL and Foxy and LG and with his daughter, but didn't really think to come here. An update is long overdue.

I've been thinking for a long time that I needed some kind of Epilogue to the Continuing Adventures of SDGuy--that I owed it to this community after all it gave me (and since I don't seem to have the stomach to frequent the board to try to help new folks), but I could never really decide what it was I wanted to say. I think I have an idea or two now, but they aren't really anything that hasn't been said before.

Update first. My life is good. Before my mom died, I was using the word "lucky" to describe myself again. (Now I say that I'm lucky that she was my mom as long as she was.)

I have a great job, doing meaningful work with smart, good people. People respect me and my work, and I earn a comfortable living.

My children are thriving. We split custody 50:50, but because I kept the family house, the kids go to school here, and they come to my house after school every day. The SCQ (wow, feels funny to type that) picks them up from here on her days. They are used to the back and forth, and I'm pretty sure that I feel much worse about it than they do. If they are suffering ill effects of divorce, I can't see them.

I am on very good terms with the SCQ now. We have friendly chats and texts about the kids. Not super warm, of course, because I can still trigger myself thinking about things, and I also still believe the world would be a better place without POSOM in it. Yes, they married and are still together, and for the most part I don't care. He is their stepfather. I deal with it. I think that the SCQ goes out of her way to keep me happy. If I ask for anything like extra time with the kids or a schedule change, I get it. She does all the transporting between houses (until very recently, I had never been to their house). It feels like she knows she owes me a debt she can never fully repay (which, of course, she does).

And I have companionship in my life. I had been flirting with a woman when I last posted here, and we've been together ever since. Our kid schedules are synced, and so when we don't have our kids, she's at my place. It's very comfortable. To paraphrase Believer, she is younger, hotter, and smarter than the SCQ--she complements and challenges me in ways the SCQ could have never dreamed of.

I feel pretty sure that I am better off than I would have been if the SCQ had come back. Probably a lot better off.

So, advice. This goes out mostly to those who are in the same spot that I and so many of my MB friends (the Killer Bees) were in--betrayed spouses facing a Plan B.

1) It will get better. It may take a while, but you will recover and be a better, stronger, wiser person on the other side. It's so much better to be the betrayed spouse than the wayward spouse.

2) If you are thinking about Plan B as a tool to get your spouse to return to you, stop. Chances are your spouse is not coming back to you. Regardless, the point of plan B is to create enough space for you to keep some sanity while your wayward spouse does whatever it is they're going to do. Don't obsess over what they are doing, don't try to influence them, don't let them infect you with their madness. Protect yourself from them. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself when you can. Take up a hobby or two.

The trick is to think about moving on and live as if you are going to be moving on without actually moving on. For as long as you feel like doing it. The longer you can do it, the better the odds that your spouse will return (however slight they are).

I don't regret trying as hard as I did because I still believe my children would have been better off in an intact family. Like I said before, though, I'm better off that things worked out the way they did.

Sorry, that's probably really long. Thanks for reading it (if you got this far).

To any who still remember me, sorry I haven't been around. I hope your lives are good.

SDG

Hi SDG, thanks so much for coming back and giving us an update. It always makes me smile inside to read of a BH ending up with a happy life and great woman! Good for you!

I concur with your Plan B....well...plan.

You sound great.

If not for you, Chrisner, foxy, LG and a few others, I may have sank into the oblivion. Y'all helped me keep my head above water. I am forever grateful.

SDG, could you elaborate on this a bit? I am a BW (WW moved in with OW 5 months ago) and I am curious as to why you say this.

So, the way I look at it is there are essentially two possibilities. The WS has violated the most sacred and important trust of their life. Either

1) they have to spend the rest of their life dealing with the guilt and shame, or

2) they don't feel any guilt or shame after having violated that sacred trust.

Would you want to be either of those people?

I think it comes down to how you feel about living the right way and doing the right thing. Yes, it sucked to be the betrayed spouse, and it sucked hard, but I can live the rest of my life knowing that I did the right thing. This is worth a lot to me.

Or maybe I'm just a masochist. I mean, I am a Cubs fan, after all.

P.S. Sorry for your situation. It sucks. Thanks for coming by my thread.

Thanks for the explanation, it makes sense. I would tell my WW it is not what you did so much as what you do. How a person cleans up their side of the street (or doesn't) speaks volumes about them as a person. When someone shows you their true character, believe them.

I do believe WSs can resolve their guilt and shame and not live with it for the rest of their lives. They, of course, will live with knowing what they did for the rest of their lives, but don't you think they can resolve it? There are FWS on this board that appear to have done just that.

I absolutely believe that they can resolve it, and I certainly don't mean to slam any of the FWS here on the board. FWS that come to this board are very much in the minority and are to be commended.


This is spot on. If I hadn't believed this, I wouldn't have hung around in Plan B as long as I did. I don't think that the SCQ ever believed it, though. I think she believed that there was no amount of atonement that could ever heal the damage (of course, this viewpoint aided her Alien thinking, which was to get away to be with OM).

I also think that the vast majority of WS don't ever resolve it. They hover somewhere between the two scenarios I posed. I remember when I was active on the boards, a pretty common sentiment from BS was "Just once I'd like to get an actual, heartfelt apology that honestly acknowledges the hurt that was caused." Lots of people were hoping for that while knowing that they were almost certainly never going to get it.

Did you ever get a heartfelt apology?

Nope. Some fog-laced "I never meant for this to happen" type stuff fairly early on, and it's been implied since, but nothing that felt like it really captured the magnitude. To be fair, I think she acknowledged that there's no amount of apology that could make up for what she did.

It would be welcome if she ever did it, but it's not really in her character. Besides, forgiveness is something I do for me. I have mostly forgiven her. Occasionally, in the words of my former therapist, I take it back momentarily. But not often.

Hey, look, D-Day is 8 years ago tomorrow.

How has today been for you?