I think this is fairly common, especially for women who have an affair. I would venture to guess that most women who have an affair have "given up" on their M. I think Dr. Harley even states somewhere that women are far more likely to have an "exit" affair than men, while men are more likely to be the cake-eaters and try to maintain both relationships at the same time. If you still felt connected with your H, if you were still truly in love with him, you probably wouldn't have had the A in the first place. Most women just aren't wired to have romantic feelings for more than one man at a time. So, this just proves that you had lost that "in love" feeling for your H, and some other man came along and you allowed him to fill that void.

It does not, however, prove that you cannot be "in love" with your H. Those feelings can be restored. That's the whole point of the MB program. Dr. Harley's approach very much focuses on maintaining those feelings of being in love with your spouse, because that's the best way to ensure that both spouses take extraordinary measures to protect one another and meet one another's needs. When you're truly in love with someone, you don't want to hurt them or betray them. You want to make them happy. Just because you lost that with your H prior to your A doesn't mean you can never have it again. That should be your goal. If it isn't, your M almost certainly won't survive.

I can't help how I feel. I can only help what I do.

Every time H treats me with contempt like he did last night, it rips open the wound. And don't blame this on the A -- he has been putting his public image over my feelings for 35 years.

If I have to own my stuff, he has to own his stuff.

Maybe I can't forgive him, and if that is the case then I need to not put him through the trauma of trying to fix the M and file for divorce. Which is why I said Redeem me's issue is a toughie.

How can I possibly know?

So I plant flowers.

Redeem me -- I know I am high jacking your thread here -- going back to my own now:)

Again, not trying to blame my H for my affair. It's more that I'm feeling now that I want to make sure I'm in this relationship and pursuing to stay with my H for the right reasons. So, let's say that I was in an "exit" affair (I'm assuming this means that my marriage was over in my mind, correct??). If I had already decided that it was over, I'm sure anyone out there, WS or BS, can understand that it would be difficult to feel like this M can be saved when I already felt like it was over. THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT I BELIEVE IT CAN'T. I want to make sure I'm in it for the right reasons (not just because it's the "right" thing to do, given that we have kids).

I also think it IS different for a woman than a man. I feel it's in every woman's mind that her guy should fight to be with her. What's hard is, in this situation, if the BH is not "fighting" or working towards being with the WW, it is difficult for the WW to feel as though he wants to be in this relationship. I know that's messed up, that I'm expecting for my BH to shower me with love and affection... but I never said that I was thinking straight! No one worry, I'm really not giving in to these thoughts. I understand that it is completely my responsibility to be the best wife I can be for him. My needs are set aside. I have to put his needs first, especially now. Why would he want me back in his life if I continue to be this selfish?.....

Again, I fully realize how wrong it is to feel this way... still, I am struggling with these feelings. Have I gone completely insane??

Right reason????

You are a Christian. Correct?

Is that not reason enough?

And what is wrong with trying to rebuild your marriage because you have children together. Dr. H says that is a great reason to create a loving, intimate marriage.

You were most definitely in a fog.

Still are.

That's why you cannot see it.

Choosing to rebuild a marriage into what it should have been all along is well worth the effort, regardless of the initial reason you decided to do so.

Creating an MB marriage will look nothing like the marriage you had before, EVEN IF the reason you took the initial steps to rebuild were because you have kids together.

You cannot do this "mostly for him" because you are not "in love" with him. That does not mean this isn't exactly the right thing for ALL of you though.

If you follow MB, you will not recreate a marriage where the kids are first.

Most BS's (I'm guessing ALL of us), at some time or another, are willing to stay married ONLY because of the kids.

I'm betting if your husband doesn't feel that right now, he will soon.

But that didn't stop us from rebuilding our marriages into something great!

huh? Doing something because it is "right" is not a "right reason???" Hon, that is about as foggy as it gets!

And lets say this was an "exit affair." So what? The solution to any affair is this program, no matter if you want to call it an "exit affair" or an "entrance affair" or a "baloney sandwich affair. " ITS ALL THE SAME!

RN, do yourself a favor and lose the mental masturbation and just stick to the program. Your marriage problems can be resolved if you just make a committment to a plan of ACTION. Bring the body and the mind will follow!

Bingo!

If you had been raped, would it be OK for the rapist to expect you to then shower him with love and affection?

THAT is what you are asking of you BH.

I said it on your thread earlier. The trauma your husband is feeling is comparable to the emotional trauma one suffers when raped. It IS THAT immense.

I then later asked you if you even read that. You've never responded.

Until you embrace just how massive this trauma is, you will never move past feeling like you should have some love, affection, gratitude...something.

You've got to come to a point where you grasp how devastated your BH is.

You have not reached that point.

That's why I keep bringing it up. You've got to SEE THIS, RM. You can skip this part.

It is impossible to be truly repentant if you don't even undestand the true nature of the offense.





Well, yes. No one in their right mind would damage their loved ones to the extent that happens from adultery.

That "insanity" is what we are referring to when we reference the fog.

Redeem_Me my dear, you need to do the work. I find it interesting that out of all of the things that were posted to you, questions and other comments, that you chose to only "respond" to that one from me that you quoted.

Can you take the time to read and answer the questions that the very wise vets have asked you to answer, please? They aren't asking you questions because they have nothing better to do on a Saturday evening, it's because they truly WANT to help you. They want to help your BH. They want to help your children. None of us gets paid to spend hours on here being a lifeline for people. We get a better paycheque. We learn the MB concepts and help guide others as well. Please take some time to re-read what the vets wrote and dig deep to answer the questions. It's in YOUR best interest.

hi redeeem,

Just as a guy and as a former BH even if that was a short time, by your posts you indicate to me why so many young people today are afraid to commit. You are in your 30s and I am in my 60s. I honestly could not deal with someone like you in trying to decide if it is 'right'. Marriage is not trying to decide if each and everyday feels 'right', it is a committment. It is clear you do not understand that.

I don't usually post on a WW's story, but I saw the name you used and was just curious and when I read your excuses it was sad. From my standpoint as an H I would have left you as your H did. At this point you do not seem to understand his feelings that you ripped the W, best friend, companion, lover, etc etc. from his side. He is hurt and I don't think you know what to do in terms of trying to help soothe him or help him feel - all you are doing is pining over OM and how desirable he seems Over your H. He is protecting himself now, and rightly so.

As a typical young married today you are pitting your H against the OM now in your thougths and manner and you truley are expecting him to come back to you and shower you with affection and love. Am afraid it is going to be a long wait.

From my standpoint the key is not to continue this marriage due to kids, Financial responsibility, family committment. The real question is do you really at this point choose him for His qualities. If you cannot answer that, then that is why he is away and will stay away. I would do the same. As a young person and a young W you need to reach deep down and get more committment despite your selfishness.

Tom

These are not rhetorical questions.

I am waiting for an answer.

Redeem me, stop trying to decide to do anything except exactly what I am about to tell you to do:

Get in the car, go to the bookstore, but Surviving An Affair, rent a video for the kid(s), order a pizza, sit down and start reading the book.

That's all you have to decide right now.

You will feel better. I promise. I know what I'm talking about here.

SW, She has the book and has read up to chapter 3.

Excellent! I missed that!

I don't want to harp in this with you Redeem_me -- but I really want you to understand you aren't in any shape to make good decisions right now -- your thoughts and feelings aren't to be trusted -- so having a framework is going to be critical to your recovery AND it will have the added bonus of making you feel more in control of your future, with our without your BH.

Loss of control is a BIG trigger for depression.

saddest,

Respectfully disagree. Point is that I honestly feel most modern day women do not know how to approach men, end esp. H. To advise she 'feel better' is not right. That would turn me off as an H and I think it would most men.

I would expect, based on the length of the marriage, and also any remaining feelings of intimacy, that she would well yea enjoy her meal (pizza), but still call to attempt to at least attempt to see what basis there is for reconsilitation. I would welcome that as an H. Seems too much now there is a sisterhood here now, at least in this case, that prevents true intamacy between a wife and husband. I apply this at least in terms or your commets. Old fashioned view: what God has joined let now man(or woman) attempt to put assunder.

For God's sake, encourage her to try to reconcile no matter how hard, embarassing, or difficult it is. Do not encourage her to conceal and stay separate.

Tom

Tom, since around 70 per cent of divorces in this country are initiated by women I think there is a strong converse argument: modern men do not get modern women. But this is not a debating forum. I'm giving her the best advice I have to offer. She can take it or not.

Redeem me my sense has been that you are in a panic, and panicy thinking isn't ever the best, and foggy panicy thinking is even worse.

My intent has been to offer advice on how to calm down and develop a plan on how to approach your BH to maximize the chances of reconciliation and minimize the pain to both of you. Pain which doesn't serve to lead you insight, wisdom healing is just pain. It serves no purpose.

Again, you cannot give from an empty plate. You must spend your emotional resources wisely. After my BH left, we found emailing and texting the only tolerable forms of communication. You might try that. He may not want to hear from you. Honor what he says, but gently make yourself available.

A lot of what I read in the SAA book you will not here on this forum. Protect the future of your marriage by doing damage control today.