SW, it is true that most of what is in SAA is not said on this forum. MOST of what is said on this forum is how to use what are in DrH's books and translate them into real life. Also, SAA is mainly aimed at a BS. There is still a lot for a WS to "get" from it, you just have to be open to it first. There is a lot more time taken on getting a WS outta the fog. Once they get a clearer head, the usually get more on board with MB.

Listen to what the vets say. They have been around to see a lot. If there is ever any question, you could always call the coaching center. They are much better equipped to help you out.

BTW, SW, have you read RM's other thread?

I know it appears that I only answered one of many questions asked of me, but I have been reading and thinking about each reply. Thank you all very much for helping me to remain focused in this process.

I read more of the SAA book yesterday afternoon and am now starting to read the description of Plan B. Everything is making better sense now that I've read more of the book.

My BH is going to be starting to read SAA, too, as I've found that it describes the type of emotional affair I was in fairly well (Sue's story), but there are also excellent tips on how to start the healing process.

We have done many of the MB plan already, even without knowing what's recommended:

- I have agreed to no contact but never sent a formal letter (although said via a text to OMW). I have not contacted him to date and have resisted many urges (hoping I lose this feeling completely over time).

- I changed my phone number and canceled an email account. I deleted all emails exchanged, deleted voicemail messages, threw away or donated gifts given to me by OM (even sold some by ebay and donated money to a good cause).

- I am going through withdrawl, even experiencing moments of intense anxiety still, but my H and I are spending most of our leisure time together (even though we are temporarily separated), which helps me get through those moments where I'm missing the OM or wanting to talk with him

- I have answered all of my BS's questions regarding the affair and will continue to do so. I agreed to be fully honest with him and disclose all that he wants to know. He is the one setting the pace and determining the scope for the details of my affair.

- We are in marriage counseling together and I am seeing my own therapist.

- I have two close friends that are supporting me by being my accountability partners. They are amazing people, not outwardly judging me, just hoping the best for my marriage.

- I have asked God's forgiveness, and also my H's. My in-laws know and I plan to speak with them face-to-face by the end of the week. I will also need to speak with a brother-in-law and sister-in-law, too. My H didn't want the whole family knowing, so only a few members know.

- Although it seems that I haven't been doing my part to show my H love these past two weeks, I have. I haven't written it all here for you, but I have been putting his needs first and taking care of him. When he moved out (even though it broke my heart), I told him that I understood his need for space and I would be here waiting as long as he needed. I bought him loads of his favorite foods so his fridge would be well-stocked. When we're talking, I respect if he needs to stop the conversation. I have tried my best to be the patient, understanding W he deserves through this, while also showing him that I love and want to be with him (and I do, I know that).

- I'm amazed that we have been able to be intimate, as well, even though there's still a lot of heartache. But it's an important step.

So, that's the latest.

Still waiting....

You answered the first question here.

How about the other two?

It appears to me that you are posting with the hopes of being UNDERSTOOD.

Reread this thread again with the motives of UNDERSTANDING what WE are trying to tell you.

Trying to be understood right now will not help you become the wife and mother your family deserves. Learning the MB program will.

Would you like to learn the MB program?

Like what, SW?

Could you please list the information in SAA that is not discussed on this forum?

Have you really read enough threads here from start to finish to even know what is discussed on these forums?

I can't help but wonder how many of those 70% were women like me whose WH tried to bully into filing so that he would not look like the bad guy walking out on his family.

I've seen that scenario played out over and over and over and over on this board. It is a very common theme.

So I don't think we can conclude from that statistic that modern women aren't understood by modern men. I think there's a whole lot more to that percentage.








The very best advice you can give her would be MB advice.

Yes, I am a Christian, and doing what is right is ultimately the best for everyone.

I've read everything again and it is all making better sense now. Sign of the fog lifting??

Good. I'm glad that you see this.

MB WILL show you the practical ways to love and respect your husband again. And hopefully, he will eventually choose to engage in MB too; and he will learn how to love and respect you.

The reason everyone is telling you to focus on your BH's needs is because he is extremely wounded. And it will take some intense, focused, consistent care before he is CAPABLE of working recovery on his side.

The goal for you right now is to Plan A him, showing him HOW you will protect him and the marriage and how you will care for him. The purpose of this goal is that he will be drawn back into wanting an intimate, loving relationship with you.

No one on this board wants to see you live indefinitely in a marriage where you are not being cared for and protected. That's the whole point of MB...to create a marriage where BOTH spouses love and protect each other.

But RIGHT NOW, you've got to tend to the hemmoraging wound because your BH is bleeding out.

The more you focus on loving and protecting your BH, the more the fog will lift.

How about some Scripture?

When my FWH was entrenched in his affair, I cried out to God asking HOW a man that I KNOW was a Godly, loving husband could end up where he was, God answered with this verse:


James 1:13-15 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.


I would ask you to pray on this verse. I would also ask you to read Chapter 1 of James.

Are you willing to do those two things?

Redeem,
I am a fairly new member (as of the end of June)...I had to "take a break" from the boards for a little while as it seemed I was confusing some BS posters (seeing as how I am somewhat confused and "foggy" myself). I checked out the site again yesterday and saw your story. Firstly, welcome to MB! I sincerely believe you have come to the right place. These "2x4s" (I don't like that term *lol*) do serve as the cold dose of water in your face to bring you to reality.

Secondly, I see that you were looking for an email coach. Obviously, I cannot do that. But if you need a penpal of sorts, moral support, I could do that. I just turned 32 myself. I feel that we are at a similar stage of this process.

Thirdly, you mentioned depression. Like the BSs state, we made these choices...so it doesn't seem that they are very empathetic to our (WS) "pain". I'm not suggesting that they should be...that doesn't mean it's not there. I hope that you are finding friends that you can lean on for comfort during this difficult time.

I hope you stick around MB...and that you and your H are able to come through this to a better, stronger M.

Fullmoon,
Thank you for what you shared. Could you tell me a bit more about your story? Did you recently end your affair, as well, and how are you coping with the "withdrawl" feelings? For me, these feelings come and go, but I have had to deal with some pretty intense feelings at times. Still wondering at times if it's possible that my H can be the kind of man I want, which I know sounds extremely wrong, but it's honestly how I'm feeling right now. He's feeling the same of me, too, so I know I need to step it up and be the kind of W he wants, too.

I want to do what's right. That is a definite. But I struggle with feeling that's enough, to be perfectly honest. Still fighting this selfishness inside me, wish I was beyond feeling that way.

Yes, please share your story. I would like to hear how you've dealt with everything post-affair especially.

Thanks!

Have you ever sat with your husband and POJA'ed what kind of man you wish he were, and what kind of woman he wish you were? He may agree on some things, and disagree with you on others. Those things you agree on you can focus on, and the things you disagree with you can remove all expectations, unless it is a need as described in His Needs Her Needs.

My FWW (sapph) and I sat down to do this. Some things she said are "I want you to take out the garbage." I agreed to that since I did it anyhow. I asked her to read to the kids and teach them to read and write, and she agreed to that. I also agreed to stay phisically fit and I asked her to do the same for me. We basically defined what we expect of each other, and made sure we agreed with each other 100% on some things. Those things that we could not agree with are dropped or we come up with some new idea. No uncommunicated expectations, and no pressuring.

Stay away from sacrifice. Neither of you should sacrifice your happiness for the happiness of another. You should both agree on doing something that makes you both happy.

Also I find the best way to get rid of selfishness is by serving others. It doesn't always have to be your husband, but it can be a coworker after work, a neighbor, or someone from church. Visit someone you know in a nursing home, whatever, just don't let you think of you.

OH, BTW. Don't run off to H, do the EN questionairre, and just focus on how he has not met your needs. That will just start a fight.

This is an opportunity to discuss some of the ways that you can identify and fulfill each others needs, and you have to be honest. It was hard for me to swollow that my wife needs me to be physically attractive, I've always been fit, but it is what it is.

If you or your husband refuse to meet a need then focus on the needs that you agree on first. After proof that fulfilling each others needs works then you can swollow some pride and fulfill those other needs. All needs are impotant and O&H is automatically included, and must be done.

If a need that you both have agreed on is not being met then let each other know straight forwardly, no nagging, "I need your help to meet my need for _________. We promised each other to meet these needs, and my Love Bank is getting depleted because this need isn't being met." Each of you reserves the right to get your needs met, but nagging does not help, its an LB in my opinion, even though it works :P).

Redeem,
I just opened a fortune cookie. My fortune stated "If you chase two rabbits, both will escape." How timely and relevant.

My story is in a thread called "Calm before the storm". (You may view it under 'my posts'.) But I called it "Calm before the storm" because I believe(d) I was in an EA. It could have been an infatuation, who knows? My H only considers A to be A when it involve SF. Fortunately, I found this place (MB) before I took that step. But, regardless of what my H thinks, I know how far I had come and where I was headed...............where I could still be headed if I have the (mis)fortune of spending time with OM.

With the encouragement of the MB posters, I have committed myself to NC with OM. There has been NC since I've been on MB.

I posted on this site one day and the next day I exposed to my H.
I was feeling pretty good like it would all just go away from there. But there is going to be no "quick fix". It took time to dig ourselves into this mess and it is going to take time to dig out.

Some days I can see 100% clearly what a fool I have been going down that path. But still, on other days................I'll get a little ache for him (OM). Maybe we can do this "post-affair" together...kind of like a workout buddy. *lol*

But one thing that definitely helps (if/when I start to waver) is coming on MB and reading the stories of the BSs. No one wants to cause that kind of pain and devestation to people they love, not me and not you I'm sure, and these stories tell the vivid truth. I feel so sorry when I read these stories.......
Just hang in there and take it a day at a time...maybe try not to rush through it like me.

I think you wrote in your earlier posts that you want to maintain your M. I hope that you are "stepping it up" for your H right now...it may be "the fog" that is making you question whether your H is the "kind of man you want". I was always sure that I love/want my H; I was just surprised and overwhelmed that I want(ed) OM, too. Greedy??? We can overcome this. But, certainly, put your H and your M first.

Excellent. Thank you for this reminder. I was the one to end the affair, to end things with the OM, who told him that I wanted to be with my H. And now, why do I feel that I want the OM back? I'm trying to chase two rabbits-- that will never work. I can't maintain both relationships.

For me, it's good that the OM wrote me a letter saying that he's madly in love with his W. When I'm particularly weak, I can always look back to that letter and remind myself that he wants her, not me.

What's particularly hard, though, is that he had told me that he felt I was the greatest love of his life. I've read my MB readings, so I know that he wasn't thinking clearly at that time, but it's still hard to fully give up that idea that I was that important and fully loved by the OM. Especially now that my H has weakened feelings of love for me (and understandably so).

I feel like I'm a mess these past few days especially... Why can't I fully give in to the fact that the OM didn't really love me? This wasn't real love-- this was all fantasy. I need to accept that fact and it's sooooo hard to do.

And then there are these nagging feelings that all I need to do is talk to the OM, not even for romantic reasons. Rather, I just want him to tell me the truth that he never loved me so that I can let him go completely. But talking to him or communicating with him in any way is now forbidden for the rest of my life. I'm not sure that I work this way, that I can be okay with no contact for the rest of my life. It's very unlike me to be able to accept that in general. How do I deal with that? Is it possible that a friend of mine can contact him for me just to get the latest, or is that TERRIBLY WRONG??

It would be wicked and cruel to contact (even through a friend) OM. Have you not done enough damage to the BW? Do you have no mercy?

I'd still like to hear your thoughts on the Bible verse I posted yesterday. Are you willing to pray on this verse?