...For me, it's good that the OM wrote me a letter saying that he's madly in love with his W. When I'm particularly weak, I can always look back to that letter and remind myself that he wants her, not me.

BURN that letter, and any other correspondence, pics and gifts he gave you. Dont hold onto those things.

What's particularly hard, though, is that he had told me that he felt I was the greatest love of his life. I've read my MB readings, so I know that he wasn't thinking clearly at that time, but it's still hard to fully give up that idea that I was that important and fully loved by the OM. Especially now that my H has weakened feelings of love for me (and understandably so).

So did your husband at one time. I can tell you that right now if you want (I won't). It all depends on who you want to have fill your LB.

I feel like I'm a mess these past few days especially... Why can't I fully give in to the fact that the OM didn't really love me? This wasn't real love-- this was all fantasy. I need to accept that fact and it's sooooo hard to do.

Your Affair was partially based on fantasy. You were only around each other when you were in good moods. The rest of the time you did not spend together were filled in with fantasy. You are not with OM right now, so you are filling that empty time without him with fantasy, and loving the fantasy.

And then there are these nagging feelings that all I need to do is talk to the OM, not even for romantic reasons. Rather, I just want him to tell me the truth that he never loved me so that I can let him go completely. But talking to him or communicating with him in any way is now forbidden for the rest of my life. I'm not sure that I work this way, that I can be okay with no contact for the rest of my life. It's very unlike me to be able to accept that in general. How do I deal with that? Is it possible that a friend of mine can contact him for me just to get the latest, or is that TERRIBLY WRONG??

You have the nagging feeling of reigniting the affair under the pretense of "closure" or whatever. Every time I hear about closure on these boards what really happens is an excuse to reignite the affair. DONT DO IT. So sad to see you ruin your marriage thinking of someone else.

How long did your A with OM last?
blessing

Focus on what is real.

Thank you for your answer. Looking4.

What you wrote brings me to something you said earlier. I know you have explained that you were only venting when you wrote about feeling used, but I wonder if you have really dealt with your responsibilities in getting involved in another person's marriage.

You wrote:

So why am I still so mad at OM? I was spewing to my H about it two days ago. I feel that the OM exploited my vulnerabilities and broken marriage to get in my pants then kicked me to the curb like garbage once his W found out, even though the OM and I had ended it ourselves before. I know, I know, I know... I deserve no sympathy. And doing NC quick and abrupt was needed for all of us. I know all of this in my head. But it doesn't make it feel any better, knowing how completely used I was for the OM's thrills. I thought I was in love with this man and that I was smarter than that. And I feel like he's laughing at me about it. He and his wife are moving on and I really do want that if that's what she wants. (Dang, she has no idea the things he told me. She would so be out the door if she knew, even if they were just lies.) But there's the little piece of me that is still so angry about how he used me, lied to me, then left me in a heap on the side. Again, I know that's how it has to be and that affairs don't have happy endings. But I'm angry that I'm left standing here known as the home-wrecking wh**e and he's merrily going along like all's well that ends well. Obviously, I'm still grappling with this. Sorry 'bout that little rant (end quote).

You should not assume for one minute that "he and his wife are moving on", if by that you mean that his wife is not paying dearly for your involvement in her marriage. I would suggest that she is shattered by this and that her world has come to an end. You would do well to read the many stories by BSs here about the moment of discovery and gain a glimmer of insight into how devastating that moment feels. Your words to OM showed her that, not only had her husband been having a sexual relationship with you, but that deep feelings (perhaps words of love) had been expressed by both of you and that he had considered leaving her and their children for you. If you told him that your life was as bad as you said in your post, then she would have known instantly that he had told you that his life was the same.

She found out in a text message that her H did not love her, was suffering seeing her face first thing every morning, was merely enduring her kisses as he left the house and returned from work, was hating lying next to her in bed and wishing you were there instead, was hating spending weekends with her when he could not escape to work and had longed for their last holiday to be over because he could not stand pretending to be happy for extended periods in her company. For some time now he had wanted to get away from her, her boring parents, the tedious get togethers with friends in which happiness was being faked, the hypocritical wedding anniversary dinner at a restaurant that he had had to pretend to enjoy, his having had to sign cards to her with "love you always, X" when he hadn't meant it... he had hated everything about his unhappy lie of a marriage to her. He had wanted to be far away from everything to do with her, except for their children. He loved his children enough to try and give them stable childhoods, but every day was torture, and she had not known this until that moment. However difficult things had grown to be between them, she had never realised that he must be feeling THAT BAD, and she saw it in that moment she picked up his phone. You cannot imagine how that felt, but I can, because that is what happened to me (D Day 2).

What your OMW went on to do was to listen to him ask her not to give up on the marriage, to his telling her that he loved her and always had done, that he had not stayed only for the children and would not be doing so now, if she gave the marriage another chance. She had not believed him and does not still, but she is prepared to put her children's needs above her own, for now, and so she is staying in the marriage. She is living with monumental unhappiness because she knows her children would be badly affected by divorce, and she cannot bear to put her happiness above theirs. I don't know what he told her about his feelings for you, about the depth of your involvement and about what he had actually told you about loving you and leaving her. Be assured, however, that if she is prepared to try again in this marriage, she is choking on her misery over how intimate he became with you.

Quote:
(Dang, she has no idea the things he told me. She would so be out the door if she knew, even if they were just lies.)

It is very likely that she has by now found out the nature of the things he told you. Do you think that she is only prepared to stay because he has managed to pass off the affair as a fling, in which he was cool and upfront about what he wanted from you? Do you think that she has not demanded more details from him, that she has not challenged him when he gave the "light" version of the affair ("why is she saying these things about her feelings for you, if you never said them to her?"), that she has not picked him up endlessly on inconsistencies and illogical statements, that she has not asked him to show her previous emails between you and discovered the basic, appalling details of how far this relationship went?

You've made an apology to her, but I wonder whether you have really thought about what you have done to her. Certainly, you seem to think that their marriage is relatively untroubled, and that he is "merrily" going on with his life, and by implication, she with hers.

She is doing no such thing. She is thinking every minute when she is awake, and having bad dreams in her sleep, about whether he is lying about his feelings for her and cannot stand her, about whether he feels repulsion when she initiates sex and he makes an effort only because he has not got you, whether he cannot bear the way she feels inside, is disgusted by her stretch marks (that he gave her, with their children), finds her stringy breasts revolting and her ageing face and grey hairs peeking through, difficult to look at.

He probably feels no such thing, but she will not know that now, or for some time yet. He had a thrilling affair with you, a woman that he had long been attracted to, and so must find gorgeous. How does he come down from that and go back to loving the woman that he was driven away from?

When she works out, as I have done, that the problem is not with her but with her H, she will not feel any better. She will then be faced with trying to rebuild a marriage with a man who had no appreciation for what he has with her, no commitment to extraordinary protection for her or his marriage, no compunction about destroying his children's futures for sex on the side and only the fear of getting caught to stop him becoming involved with someone else further down the line.

She isn't feeling good about her life or her marriage and it will be a long time before she does again. You should acknowledge that, and never write about her again as if she is untouched by this and you are the victim.

I'm beating myself up inside about this A. I hate that I did this, I hate that I felt like I loved the OM, I hate that I could do something so cruel to my H and kids. How did I let this happen?

One other thing:

fullmoon, it's not "love" if it's enabling RM to remain in her fog-addled state.

Letting a WS wallow in affairland fantasy - and make no mistake, that's what all this commiseration is about - will guarantee RM has no chance to really redeem herself.