Ashlee...I read conflict in your response to your doctor. Either you want to be married or you don't. If you want to be married, you'll fight for it until he files. If you don't, you'll let him go to decide unilaterally the future of the relationship. The relationship is made up of two people. Two. It takes two to make it and two to break it. Apathy (understandable when a person is in withdrawal) is poison to a marriage. It's like quicksand, if you ask me.

Regardless of your previous efforts, you are falling short if you haven't implemented MB concepts in trying to save your marriage. If you are comfortable in explaining that to your children, in acquiescing to the fog your husband is in and letting their father walk without a MB fight, then that's really unfortunate. Of course everyone has their personal threshold, but when kids are involved, that threshold needs to be wider and deeper.

Lots of times people will come here having already made up their minds about the demise of their marriages. It becomes apparent that they are here for validation of their decision, not necessarily to actually implement the MB concepts.

It's either that or like some sort of cry for help in a 'marriage suicide' post. The person really doesn't want their marriage to end, but they don't see another option. So we spend post after post talking this person back from the edge of acquiescing to divorce.

There's another option...MB. Doesn't mean it will definitely work, but there's that possibility. Are you comfortable with telling your sons that you forfeited a chance to keep their family intact?

Ash - for your own security I'd recommend you edit out yours and your family's names. Strange things can happen around here.

I agree with Sooly - you can keep fighting. MB can help you.

It bother's me a bit that your husband is so focused on 'me' time. That can sometimes be an indication of an affair. Are you snooping, is it possible there is another woman?

The fact that he has left the house will now make it easier for him if he is having an affair.

Also - I'm in the Central U.S. timezone.

I'm glad you said that about the names, Vibrissa. I was going to - had it typed out and then thought maybe I was being paranoid.

Vibrissa is right. If there's any possibility at all of an affair, you need to address that first. Recovery is handled differently in cases like that.

Also...I can remember a case here where it took a while to convince a spouse to start snooping - because they were afraid of being hurt more deeply than they already were - and when they did snoop, they uncovered some very unpleasant truths. You do need to know what you are up against. If the underlying cause of your husband's mindset is infidelity, you need to know the truth. You cannot fight something if you don't know what or who it is.

Thanks so much for your support & words of wisdom.

I have bought 2 copies of:
Love Busters
His Needs, Her Needs
5 ways to Romantic Love
I have printed out every available Article, applicable Q & A & MB Questionnaire on this website.
I've bought 'Rekindle Desire'

I have spent HOURS studying, noting, highlighting.
I've given copies to both my hubby & my doctor.

I presented by 'Plan' at our appointment of MB & UA etc.

It went down like the proverbial 'Lead Balloon'

I have been called 'Emotionally Stressed', 'Irrational' etc. etc - All because I have been working so hard to open my hubby's eyes to an alternative of Trial Seperation & to get him involved with MB

Regarding the possibility of an affair. Yes, it is more than possible.
14 years ago my hubby was with a different company & 'mentored' a young woman.
Now she is in a Director Position & travels all over the world with him.

I have had snide comments & phone calls in the past, regarding 'them', but I've always trusted him (maybe stupidly)

I believe there is a strong possibility she is SO power hungry that she has been poisoning him. And I know that he's gullible enough to absorb the rubbish, because he 'wouldn't see the comments for what they really are'

When I've brought 'her' up as a problem, he says she is just an employee & a Good Friend. And that he's not prepared for US to meet with her about what I feel, as our problems are a private matter & he will be embarrased.

How do I fight his 'dis-interest' & possibly 'her'.
As I said in an earlier post, I have to manage my Multiple Sclerosis. This illness is an incurable, degenerative Brain Disease.
I have to spend up to 4 hours A day on a specific physical rehab programme.
In my case my attacks are triggered by stress & as you can imagine my stress levels have been thru the roof.
If I can't control this current attack my neuro will put me back on IV cortisone.

I was diagnosed 3 years ago & that's really when our marriage started to go wrong.
I don't think my hubby likes the idea of me walking with a crutch. The comments he passes "Do you Really need your crutch", are fairly obvious that it's embarrassing for him.

But do you know what: My country has asked me to qualify to ride Para Dressage in London Olympics in 2012.
I would have ridden in Kentucky USA in the World Equestrian Games, now, but I was injured in a fall last October.

I know you think I sound as if I've given up, I haven't, but I can't fight a one man war

My family, my Sons,Mom & Dad & my brother are all really concerned about my present medical health.
My weight is down to 112 pounds & A good nite is 3 - 4 hours sleep.

You really need to understand I AM NOT GIVING UP, but it's getting quite close to
'Is my health worth it?'
How will my sons cope if I become more disabled.
As it is I rely on them to inject me, as the only place on my body I have any'fat' is on my butt, & I can't reach to do it myself.

What would you do?

Ashlee - I owe you an apology in that I forgot about your MS.

Frankly, I would get a lawyer. This doesn't mean you have to divorce him, and he doesn't need to know, but it's smart to know what your rights are. I am not saying to give up here.

I don't know how to advise a person with MS with two children on the exposure issue. You may want to repost on the SAA board, but tell them about your health concerns, your need for financial support and health insurance, and the fact that you have two children. Are you able to work?

Pose your same concerns to the lawyer.

I am not sure how old your children are, but if they are still children, I encourage you to look into hiring a caregiver and/or United Way if you live in The States.

Call your county assistance office to see what resources are available to you. Educate yourself.

Sorry you're going through this.

I didn't realize you had MS, either. I have an aunt with MS, and they went through a very rough period in the years following her diagnosis. They are still together, over 30 years later. Maybe you would be better served by talking with people in your position? I've found that a lot of MB advice assumes that both parties are mentally AND physically healthy, and you have special circumstances.

Your Dr. should be drawn and quartered for advising that your H separate from a disabled wife. I hope you realize that. "In sickness and in health" means just that. I'd be happy to ask my aunt for advice for you, if you'd like. She's a pistol.

Thanks Soolee, no offense taken.
I'm sure you have hundreds of different posts to monitor & help with.

I'm not familiar with the SAA - I haven't a clue what it stands for or where to find it.
Can you give me some directions?

I can still work a few hours a day, but I've had to almost 'shut down' my business. I'm involved in Design & Construction of Hotels/Apartments/Banks etc.
It's 'hard core' work, involves detailed drawing work (now a problem becuase my right side is affected) and international travel.

My sons are 18 & 21, and the most amazingly suppotive 'men'. They stand by me, no matter what. We have Always been very Close & we work together on everything. If they have problems, I'm the 1st one they come to for advice or to share a story.

I live in Southern Africa. Our Health Care (Private) covers my medication, but at the moment, not a care giver. I still feel OK on my own & Long may it last. But we are Very Fortunate to have people who work for us & live on our property. They are as close as family & really look out for me. I am truley grateful for their support as it takes the pressure off my sons.

I will call a lawyer, that's a very good idea. Thanks

I would really appreciate your Aunt's advice.

I was diagnosed 'late' in life, at 47 & it came out of the blue. I lost my sight for the day & that prompoted an MRI scan. I'm told my condition is blatantly obvious on the scans.

Both my optic nerves are damaged, so I can't drive after dark.
I have limited/no sensation in my right arm/leg
I have hectic muscle spasms & my lower back/neck & have now been in complete spasm for around 8 months. Sometimes closing my throat.
There's more, alot more, regarding health issues, but I'm coping, living a normal life, physically active & if I don't say so myself(!) a really cute bod. I don't know USA sizes, but I wear a 30 jeans!

That's called - Looking on the bright side!

A:

Sorry you have to be here.

Your Husband is wayward. And having an affair with somebody, possibly even the woman that he works with.

You will have to "snoop" as we call it here to find out more.

Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) for his car, GPS for his car, and access to his cell phone call list, and his computer email.

You will get your evidence as to who, and for how long and how serious from there.

He is being this way, becasue he is seeing someone else. Your visits to this Dr. are a disaster. You need to have a phone consuling session with the Harleys, they are experts in "marriage counseling" Not seperation, or conflict resolution, which is all that the Dr. has proposed.

You went to a medical Dr., for a marriage problem. You would not go to Dr. Harley for a medical problem. He is the expert.

And you can do it from Southern Africa. The time difference is tough, but not unmanageable. (if the vuvuzulas have died down, however... unless you are further north than that.)

Sorry you have to be here. Your husband is using all the standard excuses, and if his former intern, is now an international jetsetter, than i can understand WHY he is so interested in "seperation".

Have you Sons go over an talk with him. "What is her name, Dad? And "Why?" They can be very persuasive.

LG

I've been to a marriage councellor, & the reason we went back to our Doc, is that he's a'specialist' & this is supposed to be an area he often works in (!)

Both my sons & I know 'her' name a have even been away on trips that she has been around as they coincide with business!

My youngest son has taken it upon himself to snoop in H's cell phone, but I know he always deletes everything.

If I was to go this route, I would need to employ a detective of some sort, but even that's tricky as they work in the same office & have daily interaction because of their positions.

He's always told me when he's gone out for drinks, if shes there & just 2 weekends ago (world cup final) they were in Botswana from Thurs to Mon 'entertaining International Guests'

So yes, baseball bat the the forehead, it looks fairly obvious!

Ash - I think it highly likely that your husband is having an affair.

Because of your medical condition (I have a close friend with MS) I'm hesitant to suggest recovery. Recovery is painful, emotional and draining and will take about 2-5 years. Massive weight loss, depression, anxiety, PTSD are all effects you could suffer from something like this.

It is draining on the healthiest of people.

The usual tone of advice around here is to save the marriage, but I'm hesitant to press that too much. Your health MUST come first.

No one would blame you if you were to decide to end this marriage in the case there is an affair going on (though really that is always the Betrayed Spouse's prerogative).

I guess my question is, if there is an affair would you WANT to save this marriage? I just want you to have all the information possible about what it will be like and how it will affect your health. SAA is the 'Surviving an Affair' board.

Linked Here

I'd recommend you go over there and read some of the threads. I'd also go to the Recovery board.

Link here

I agree with lg - you need to be snooping to find out one way or the other. I also agree with Sooly - you need to protect yourself, see a lawyer.

As an aside I love dressage! How awesome if you did get to compete!

ashlee, I would check into the online program. online program

I think you already know this is an affair, and probably a full-fledged affair that's been going on for some time.

The question is, do you want to save your marriage?

You should probably ask the mods (click notify at the bottom of a post) to move your thread over to "Surviving an Affair".

One of the forums is called Surviving an Affair. It's a good forum here where you can get some advice on snooping and exposure, among other things.

I'm glad to hear your boys are older, but I am sure that is no comfort to you. Nor does it make this any easier on all of you.

I am just saying that in your position, I'd go and talk to someone with legal background. I wouldn't tell him. I'd start a folder of notes on it, and keep it in a private place. In that folder, I would also include any proof of an affair - whether it's copies of emails, receipts, photographs, or whatever.

If you can afford it, I would also talk to a private investigator.

I think whatever you can do/afford that will spare your sons' involvement and your precious energy and emotional health, is for the best.

Oh - Important for me to say that I don't monitor or moderate conversations here. I'm just a peer.

What I'd do is talk to that medical specialist again--ALONE. TELL him what's going on in your life, if he doesn't know already. I suspect he is seriously concerned for your health and that's why he's recommending a break from the stress. As your doctor, he is probably more concerned for your life than your marriage. At least what he's said would make sense in that context.

Discovering an affair (and, sadly, I think you will), and working MB's Plan A is extremely stressful. It requires that you maintain a calm, pleasant demeanor, no matter what your H says or does, and that you do everything in your power to meet his emotional needs without expecting anything in return--for about three or four weeks.

Harder still, on a single day during that time, you must expose his affair, if you confirm it, to anyone and everyone who could in any way put pressure on it--his family, your family, close friends, your clergyman, and YES...his bosses.

Hear this, because it is true: The proven, fastest way to kill an affair is to shine the light on it. People disapprove, some will chastise him, or withdraw in disgust. His family will (hopefully) say, "Don't ever bring that woman here. She will never be welcome in our home."

Your sons will give him a piece of their mind, too. Mine certainly did, and it had tremendous impact on my H. There'd be consequences at work (it appears there is gossip about it already, but the people who can stop it probably don't know). You'd have to write them a letter, copying everyone in authority, so it will be impossible for them to blow off.
You will deal with his wrath when you've blown the lid off, but his anger will not destroy your marriage--an ongoing, deepening affair WILL.

Exposure is very, very stressful stuff. Seems vindictive, but is NOT. It is the most courageous thing we BS's can do to fight for our marriages. It creates stress on the affair. Causes discomfort, discord and consequences for the affair partners. In time, they often decide it's not worth it.

After a few weeks of Plan A, you go to Plan B, which is no contact of any kind with your H. After leaving him with the best memory of how you met his needs, and behaved like the best wife you can be, you remove all that love and support. He WILL miss it, because the OW cannot meet all his needs. If he weren't getting something from you, he would've left the marriage already. Why would he do that, when he can have his cake and eat it too? There's more to Plan B, including the letter you'd write, but too early to get into all that. You've got to decide whether you can handle Plan A.

You're in a really tough position, fighting for your health and your marriage at the same time. Read up on Plan A and see if you're up to it. Talk to your doctor, and ask for his help and support if you choose to do it. No one would blame you if you find an affair and decide to divorce to protect your health.

I agree it would be a good idea to have a phone session or two with Steve Harley at the MB counseling center (link on home page). As I remember, he starts his appointments at 6:00 am USA Central Time.

You are in my prayers, ashleebe. Take care of you.

Hi V - I know I should/must move my posts to SAA...

But I'm going to Miss your wonderful support & words of wisdom. I am so grateful for all your advice.

When I move over, is there any way I can still keep in conteact? You feel like a friend!

Hi Soolee.

I've looked at the SAA Forum, Thanks.
But, if you could please give an idea of where to find some 'snoop' info.
I seem to be a little lost (proverbially & figuratively)

I'm still here Ash =-) lemme get some info on snooping together for ya