Jason,

I want you to reflect on somethings and I am very serious about this.

There is a saying that once is an accident, twice is a trend, and more than that is a pattern.

You have been married twice and both ended with your spouses infidelity. You aren't married now, and the relationship is ending for a variety of reasons including she has found someone else.

You keep selecting women, that fail you. Now we could blame that on them and certainly they each made the decisions to cheat and/or run. That is on them. BUT....

There is a constant in all of this and that constant is you.

You say you are getting "better", and I say you need to heal alot more and not just from what your SO is doing to you now or what your ex's did to you earlier. There are other problems and they are affecting the sort of women you are attracted to or you are attracting.

Jason, listen to me now and I mean really listen. You need to step back and heal. You need to step back and reread the articles on this site and ask yourself "where did I fail myself?" "How did I not do the things it takes for a successful marriage?" "How did I not see that the women I married were as they are?"

It is time to look inside. It is time to quit fixing a seriously flawed relationship by addressing YOUR issues, your filters, and what you expect for women. Your bar is too low for yourself and the women you select.

Use the tools on this site not to fix your current relationship but to evaluate yourself. How am I doing in meeting needs? Did I love bust my ex's and SO? IF so, why? What did I gain from these actions? What was I hiding from/protecting/trying to gain?

You were in the hospital for a reason and I can tell you while it must have helped the healing and the adjustments are not done.

Jason, please do as your SO has requested and give YOURSELF the space to heal, evaluate, grow, and improve your perspective so that your next relationship is a success.

I have no idea if down the road your SO will want to reengage you in a relationship. It is likely that after you truly evaluate yourself that you will decide she is toxic for you or simply not the woman for you. BUT...these decisions must come after months and months of evaluation, healing, and changes in your expectations for yourself and those close to you.

Please do this. Please use the information here to evaluate and improve. Please give yourself the space YOU need right now.

God Bless,

JL

So if I have my time line correct you were married at 19 and divorced at 25. You were remarried 2 years later. I assume you dated your second wife for a while before you got married.
You were only married 2 years and your second wife had an affair. She had an affair right after your son was born and you separated. You were back together for less than a year and she had another affair. You went though he!! for 3 years before you finally divorced in 2005. Then within the same year you started up this relationship.
So in the past 21 years you have been going from one relationship to another. You never took a break to work on you.
JL is right on with this statement. IMO this pattern will not change until you leave this relationship, break off all communication, DO NOT DATE and work on yourself.

As painful as it is, y'all are right. I never healed from what #2 put me through. I came into this relationship with alot of baggage.

This time I know, bout 99% of why we are in the state we are in is my fault. She really is a better person than how she is acting, I have pushed her to this point.

Is she handling things as well as she should...no. But getting her to that point I accept full responsibility

Thanks for all the input, i need the advise and wisdom

Jason

Well we are officially in "Plan B" mode.

I got home last night. We had an aurgument bout why she should stop seeing the other guy....

I was mad so I walked home (3.5 miles lol)

I got there I found some of my stuff on the porch and the door was locked!!! She had already changed the locks when I was in the hospital (nice huh?) so I had no way to get in.

When she finally let me back in the house, and we could talk without further traumatizing the kids. I let her have it, not physically, I don't hit. I let her know that what she did was the last straw, how I seen her for what she really is. How bad she has been treating me, let it all out.

It was ugly

It is a safe bet that reconciliation at this point is not an option.

anyway...

Thanks,
Jason

You really need to make up your mind as to what you want.

Most people are of the opinion that you should D this woman.

But, if you're considering Plan B, this is definitely not an ideal launching pad.

What happened last night was the final straw. The person I love is not there anymore. The woman that is here is a bitter & spiteful person.

I will leave the option of reconciliation on the table only for sake of the children. Us being able to heal to find love again is better for the kids.

I am not going to continue the way I have though it is too painful, and not good for anyone.

I have to stay for now because I have no choice, I do not have the resouces to do it. We will spend as much time separate from each other till I can move. I will pack stuff and save what money I can. Tonight she is at her mom's with all 4 kids. As much as we can we will do it this way.

I did not like how angry I was. I reversed much of the progress I made. I do not want to be angry all time. I need to work on me with all my issues before I can be a good partner.

Thanks,
Jason

Jason

I know what I need to do.

I know I need to focus on getting myself better.

It just really sucks right now, I just want things to be better than they are right now. I hate being by myself, too much time to think.

I am so depressed now is physically hurts, not a shining start to my new "single" life.

I know I need to find my own inner peace. Having someone to hold, to care about and love brought me peace, at least lessened the turmoil inside.

Now it is just overwhelming, I am having a really rough night.

If God only gives us what we can handle I wish he would just give me less, I can't do this again. I don't know If I can go through not knowing, the helplessness.

I wish I could just turn what I feel for her off. I wish I could say that I don't love her, just get on with my life.

The best part of all this is I am deploying in about six months...again. I dont know how I can go through another deployment in this state of mind, in this situation. #2 Put me through hell while I was deployed, I never really recovered from that. I know I can't go through it again

anyways...

just having a crappy night

Thanks,
Jason

Jason,

I guess you haven't figured out that YOU need to be your best friend. YOU need to be comfortable with yourself and how you address things. I am sort of reluctant to say this, but let me offer you somethings to consider.

1. Consider really addressing your relationship with God. Go to church and learn.

2. Do volunteer work, it will show you many things that perhaps you are not seeing. It will also allow you to things through other peoples eyes.

If I recall correctly weren't you in EMT or something like that? If so, have you considered you are person that is by nature a giver. That is a good thing, but you give to the wrong people in the wrong way. It should feed your taker to be a good giver, and yet it seems that your taker has been on a rampage.

You are deploying in less than 6 months. Use this time to develop some hobbies, get into voluteering at a charity, go to a church and serve on one of their committee's. YOu do these things and you will NOT be alone, and you will be very busy.

You also have a child to take care of, do so. Set a good example for him by being a man that he admires, loves, and trusts. I am sure your interactions with your SO have not shown you in the best light to him.

My point? There is no reason to have nothing to do. There is no reason to not be comfortable in ones own skin. There is no reason why your life cannot be filled. There is no reason if you learn how to really give love that you won't receive it. FINALLY, there is no reason to be with the sort of women you have been with. Step up on all counts.

God Bless,

JL

Dear Jason,

I am sorry that you are going trough such a rough time.
There is some contradiction in what you are saying here:

- what she did is wrong, but I am 99% responsible for bringing her to that point

- I let her have it, told her how bad she has been treating me and basically that she was a bad person to begin with. I did not like how angry I was. I reversed much of the progress I made. I do not want to be angry all time, but I didn't hit her


So, what is it. I sure hope you were not intimidating her (shouting, anger). Even if you don't hit her, there are other means to scare her to death.

Is she in an affair to get away from you, or who you have become, or is she acting selfish because its in her nature?

Please make your son proud of you, so that he will say when he is old enough to understand:
My father must have been really xxx when all of this happened, but he handled it with dignity.

Don't compromise your honour by sinking down to a 'Jerry Springer' level. Keep it brief and if you start getting emotional maybe it is better to put it in writing.
At this point it is difficult to keep your cool, but that is what separates the men from the boys.

If she is affairing all your son has as a role model is you. So you'd better see to it that you take care of yourself and get a good night's sleep because you have to hold the banner high here. Even if you're all by yourself now.

God bless you.

Thanks JL

I think I may do some of what you suggest. It is just rough when I still love her.

You are right my taker has been in overdrive, I don't really understand why I changed, but I have. I used to feel good about helping ppl, doing the right thing. I don't get the same joy as I did, and I just stopped trying.

I have going to an anger management class at a church in the area, I may start attending.

Just wore out, and regardless of what got us to this point it is hard to be treated as a I have been. I think if this guy was not in the picture we could resolve our issues, handle things in respectful way.

thanks

I did my share, we both have made mistakes.

The choices she are making are hers. She is doing what she is doing to get away from me, I know this. Mine is not the only fault. For a long time all I have been getting from her is negative. I have been making changes through out our relationship. All I get from her is what I do wrong. Everytime we get in an arguement she bring out all the things I ever done wrong. Even it was a one time thing, even if I have done my best to make amends, to hear her talk it was something that happened yesterday.

Good example is when I was finallizing the divorce with #2, I was drinking to much. I was not abusive or mean I just drank too much, was numbing the pain. When she asked me to stop, when she expressed concerns that I was drinking too much I stopped, no weaning off, I stopped. I did this because she asked me too.

During one of our arguements while she was listing my "sins" She brought the drinking up. She did not remember that I had stopped imediately, just that I had done it. That is what I have been fighting against, I could never do right for her. Even if I had rectified what the issue was, to her it was like it happened yesterday.

I have been mean, I have not treated her and the kids like I should. I know this. I am not going to make excuses trying to blame her for me acting that way. I made the best decision I could with the tools and the resorces I had available to me at that time. Did I always make good choices, no. But there were many loving caring times with her and the kids, more than the bad. That is the frustrating part, she cannot see the good that was there all along.

It may be too little too late but I understand how I was I am finally ready to change to be the man I need to be.

I did yell this time, I did intimidate. I have never done that with her before. The anger, the resentment, the hurt was too much and I did not like where it took me.

I have been writing, pages of stuff. She has yet to reply to anything.

I need to let her go or it will tear me apart, and put me back into the hole that I have been in for a long time. I just don't know how to do that.

Thanks,
Jason

Jason,

You said With all due respect, I believe you are wrong. The guy being there or not being there would NOT have changed how you have been treating her or how she has been treating you. He just accelerated the problems that were in the relationship.

There is a reason I am encouraging you to seek to become comfortable with yourself, to find other outlets, or recover your giver and the man you were and could be. You are damaged. Damaged by three women, but also damaged by your deployments overseas and you have NOT really sought help until you reach the point of hospitalization.

Son, YOU need to take better care of yourself. If you won't why would you expect anyone else to do it? You are looking for an easy out...someone to take care of you and if they don't do it to your specifications you retaliate. But, you won't take care of yourself.

My question to you is really simple you have a young boy who going to become a man in not very many years. Do you want him acting like you have been? Are you teaching him how to handle the hard things in life? Are you teaching him to be self-sufficient sot that he can pick and choose among women rather than settling for one that seems willing to do the emotionally hard work for him.

Jason, your problems are not with this other guy. Your problems are with you and you need to address them. You need to become comfortable in your own skin. You need to become a man YOU admire before anyone else will do so. I don't mean you need to become full of yourself, but you MUST act and react in a manner you would be proud of the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year.

Can you say that you are there now? I suspect you cannot.

Please think about this, please focus on yourself and being the best Dad you can be for your son. The time for whinning is over.

God Bless,

JL