Spying 101

Here is a thread with some options.

Now some of these may be difficult as you are actually physically separated. Honestly your best option may be to hire a detective. They have those there right?

Can you get into his cell phone logs online? Is there a way to get a keylogger on a computer he uses frequently? Could you put a GPS on his car?

Do your sons know about your suspicions?

Stay strong Ash, we're here for you =-)

Hi V - Thanks for the thread - Wow!

OK, now I need to ask a really 'dumb' question...
Why do I Need to snoop?

Is it for possible legal action?

I've had a really peaceful day. I rode my Grey horse, who is far too full of himself, with all the 'off' time. (but still have to get to the other 3!)
Worked with my trainer, who I also haven't seen for awhile and went & visited a very special lady who does 'healing'.
It was a great afternoon, because my eldest son & I went to her together & had a couple of hours UA - how I love that special time.

Why to snoop -

Several reasons, more than just legal.

First, if you want to recover this marriage you HAVE to know if there is an affair. You cannot recover a marriage if there is an ongoing affair or addiction. You could implement all of Marriage Builders and all you would wind up doing is enabling the affair.

As per Dr. H


As it is likely an affair, rather than waste effort trying to be the perfect wife, find out for SURE. Or you're just beating your head against a brick wall.

Second, for your own health/ safety. You are considering ramping up your sex life with your husband. If he is having sex with another woman, there is no guarantee he is being safe, there is no guarantee SHE is being safe OR faithful. You could be exposing yourself to all manner of harm.

Finally, you have a right to know the truth about your life. Do you want to stay with an adulterer? Is that a deal breaker for you? It could be he is leaving because you've grown apart. It is more likely he's leaving because he's getting tail on the side and that woman wants more from him than he can give living with you. Knowing which of the two scenarios is true is essential information you need in order to decide whether or not you want to stay with him and work on this or not.

You need to know the truth so you can know what it is you're up against. So you can make an informed decision about what you want to do and where you want to go.

As far as legal reasons. I'm not sure how things work where you are. It may be possible, if you chose to divorce, to file on grounds of adultery which gives you some benefits and leverage.

That's a lot to digest!

From my personal opinion - having an affair, either emotional or physical - is breaking your marraige contract.

I won't be able to re-build our marriage, knowing he was with someone else.

Cheating & lying, for me, are 2 of the worst character traits possible.
Because in the end, whoever cheated, only cheats themself!

There's a wonderful saying here, but I'll have to edit it - " Don't @#$% on your own doorstep!'

Right here, right now, I am at peace with my decision. My boys need love & stability, & I'm going to make sure that before anything else, that's what I do. They have their whole lives ahead of them & they need to go out into the big wide world, happy & emotionally secure. They need to know they have 100& love & support from me.

Healthwise, I need to do major re-hab, step up my exercising to 5 odd hours a day. I have to release these spasms & the more 'toxins' I have in my body, the worse they get

OK - Let's just say
'Having an affair, of any description, IS a deal breaker.'
Then what?

My hubby has moved over to the cottage. My boys are with me, & 'our' side is carrying on as normal.

Do I wait for him to make the next move?

A very good friend of mine, said to me yesterday:
"Now you need to be the rounded pebble in the stream....just let everything wash over you & go with the flow.
When you are ready, become the boulder."

I think that is the most amazing sound advice!

The problem might be... acting it.
I've become so programmed over the years, to 'make life easy', I have to make a conscious effort to stop.

The next question I have to ask is -
What do you tell extended family & mutual friends?

Oh boy, this is complicated.

I wish I could find a kevlar 'bubble suit'

I guess the questions to answer now would be:

What do you want?
What does the ideal scenario look like for you?
What are you willing to do, what actions are you willing to take?

MB can help you rebuild your marriage, even from an affair.
MB can give you the tools to build future romantic relationships should this marriage fail.

So, Ash - what is it you want? (and I don't want to come across as argumentative or hostile, I'm not at all - forums are horrible at communicating tone. Knowing what you want will help in giving advice.)

Hi Vibrissa - Are you on line.

I have a HUGE news update re snooping

Ashlee, on the homepage of the website, in the lower right hand corner, there's a window of sorts that will tell you who's online. Vibrissa isn't here right now, but I'm sure she'll come on later.

Sounds like you did find something, and if so I'm sorry to hear that. I will check back later to see how you're doing.

Sure I'm here - update away. Even if I'm not online at the time I come around almost every day. So post away.

Sooly- I ghost So I've been here all morning.

Hi Soolee

Yes - I 'heard' it.
I did as you guys recommended & put a VAR in the cottage.
He came back around 10.30pm )after working on a tender!!)

AND immediately was on a call to 'her'

The important part of conversation went something like:
You have a red blooded man here.
I want yiy so badly
I'm so h....y
You are a special girl
I'm so very lucky
Of course I want dirty s..
I'll sort you out comfortably tonite
You are very important
I love you
See you tomorrow

I think that pretty much sums up the state of affairs.

He has however, denied Any affair both to me, my sons & our doctor

So.... I have contacted a lawyer, I'm seeing him on Thursday morning.

I called my hubby at luchtime & said
"I would like you to listen to something"
and played the recording. He said he couldn't hear anything, so I gave him the summary, as per above.
I then asked him who 'she' is, akthough I'm pretty certain I know
He said - "There isn't anyone, I'm in a meeting I'll talk to you later"

So far nothing from him yet

However, I did 'pack up' the rest of his things from the house, into garbage bags & dumped them at the cottage.
I've now locked our gates / house & everything, so he cannot get onto the property.

Then I sent a text message to his 2 bosses, asking them to call me regarding hubby's affair.
I know they are part of this meeting, so don't expect to hear from them for a while

Oh Boy!

Ash I'm so sorry this is the case. This is what I was afraid of. Good for you on calling the Lawyer. Take care of yourself, hon. Your health is very important.

Do you have any interest in saving this marriage? It is difficult and painful, but doable.

I found an old thread of a poster who is a bit similar to you.

Ladylongleg's Thread

Maybe it can be of help to you.

Again, I'm sure this came as a blow - so ensure you take care of yourself. What are you doing for YOU these next few days?

Also I would suggest, if you do choose to divorce, that you let your boys know exactly why. None of this 'we grew apart' nonsense. Your marriage is in the toilet because he is having an affair. He took all the energy and love he should have been giving YOU and gave it to another woman.

Sure the lack of sex may have played a role - but there is no excusing his behavior.

(((Ash)))

Ashlee -

I'm really sorry to hear that. Like I said earlier...I would keep whatever evidence you have and anything else legal-related in a private place hidden somewhere.

I think I'm a little concerned that there was more you could have found out, and that possibly your husband will go dark now. Doesn't mean you can't continue to snoop for more information.

I do have some concerns about issuing advice on exposure and telling other people. It always makes me anxious because I always want what is best for the person in terms of maximizing evidence and getting the upper hand in an infidelity situation, and I just don't have enough experience with it. I know if you keep asking questions here, people will help you.

I think you could make a list of questions for your lawyer, and get the most out of your appointment with him or her. You may also want to ask others here what questions they might ask a lawyer.

I will be watching your thread with concern and keeping you in my thoughts.

The 'Questions to Ask' is a great Idea - Thanks

Who could I ask?

Ashlee -

I think first and foremost you need to know about the divorce laws in your area. You need to know what you're entitled to, what your sons might be entitled to (your 18-year-old might still be eligible for child support?) I have no idea on that.

And due to the nature of the situation - being abandoned and left for another woman - it might be considered illegal where you're from. You might be able to press charges against both of them. I just don't know.

Maybe you're eligible for spousal support. Maybe half the property and assets. These are all things you need to find out.

Hopefully others will pop in, but if you don't get much of a response, we'll try another tactic. Just start a list and keep this thread going for a bit first.

Ashlee -

Don't forget to check out the "Notable Posts" at the top of the forum page. There are several threads in there that I can see as being possibly helpful to you.

Here you go...

Notable Posts

I know I keep saying this, But you guts are amazing!

You've been like a life line for me.

My boys know. My eldest (21) listened to the beginning of the tape. My youngest just got my 'sanitised' version.

I have had a marathon text messaging session with his boss. He couldn't believe it & at one point thought I was joking!

Hubby has made No contact with any of us, since my exposure at lunch time & I have locked all access to the property.
I have NO idea how he'll react, whether it's outrage or run away!

Ashlee, I am sorry you have found this, but relieved you got to the truth.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is expose the affair to EVERYONE. His family, your family, friends and especially the OW's family. They need to know what she is doing. Do you know who she is and is she married? If she is married, her husband should be told too.

Even if you want to get divorced, everyone should know. Otherwise, your H will introduce her as "someone I met after Ashlee and I broke up" and he will be free to bring her to your children's events and rub your nose in his affair FOR YEARS. If you expose, it won't be so easy to parade her around in 10 years.

Hi Guys - Oh Boy!

I really wish I knew what the h..l is going on!

Hubby came back to the house around 10.30pm & wanted me to open the locks on the gate. I said 'No - go to a hotel or to your girlfriend'

He got quite nasty on the phone, but I kept saying 'No' & put the phone down.
He called me again, started All Over, with the deials etc etc, so I said I would come to the gate & play the tape.

Which I did - but only the 'one part;. He said
'SO - you can't prove anything in court'
'If you don't open the gates I'll drive through them'
I said 'Go ahead, you'll only dmamage your car'

He kept on saying he isn't having an affair & I can't prove it, it's telephone sex!
What he doesn'e realise is that ! have another 10 minutes of general chit chat.

He then said 'If I don't open the gate this will get ugly. He's been very civil & respectful to me."

I said 'Oh yeah!'

He then said 'If that's what I want then he'll sue me because I'm a Drug Addict ^ our Doctor will support him'

'???' - I'm on 2 perscription drugs for Epilepsy & MS everything else I take is OTC Vitamins.

ANyway I called my eldest son, after he had left.
He said I must open the locks on the cottage gate & tell hubby to text me & I will bring him the remote.
I did - no response.

My younest son then called him at 12.15am & he said
'I've been accused of something I haven't done & I don't know what to do'

He's staying at a hotel & will probably come here tomorrow.

Please help!

WHAT do I DO?