I hope you are not giving ME "credit" for THAT comment.

The "rutting like pigs" comment is used OFTEN on this board. It is meant as a colourful way to show the feelings behind what has been done. In reality, YOU and your OM have done much worse and it is an insult to PIGS.

Where is your OWN thread and why are we not discussing things on there, FM? Let's keep your own WORK on your thread? That way we don't muddy up Redeem_me's thread with things she may not be dealing with. If RM reads your thread and learns from it, that is the intention of a forum.

As far as what they do and do not say in AA, I am thanful that I have never had to experience that personally. MelodyLane has though and I know that she has commented that they have great Bullchit meters and WILL call out someone who is romanticizing alcoholism and tell them to get the cotton out of their ears and stick it in their mouths.

IT is funny to me that you would praise Sapphire, who is currently working through the early stages of recovery instead of the vets who have not only worked through recovery but who have come out on the other end with a better marriage. Even if someone doesn't get their own marriage recovered, there is still much to learn about relationships and ones self. Take the time and put your cart behind the right horse(no disrespect meant to Sapphire, just need the respect to go to the vets, they've earned it).

You ARE hurting because your flowery posts help keep her mind fixated on the "dreamy" side of her adultery. You are romanticizing it, but you cannot yet see that. Keeping her focused on the fantasy is not encouragement. It is exactly what will lead her back to contact.

We are trying to wake her up and help her out of the fog.





Trolls do visit here. Sometimes those trolls are OWs. And sometimes those OWs are stalking the BW. So Mrs. V had every right to examine the posts with a scrutinizing eye.







Wrong.

The only person who "gets up and tells their story" is the RECOVERING alcoholic who has been invited to speak by the chairperson of the meeting. The speaker is someone who has been in recovery awhile and their story includes "what it's like now" (being sober and in recovery). This is called giving a lead. The newcomers sit and LISTEN. They are there to LEARN HOW to become sober and stay in recovery. At the end of the lead, the floor is open for comments. During that time, anyone who wants to, thanks the speaker for sharing. That's the only time a newcomer speaks...to thank the one in recovery for sharing how they've done it.

At a discussion meeting, they may go around the table or "pass" to each other. At these meetings a newcomer may have an opportunity to speak. But when that newcomer starts drooling over missing their drink, the "old timers" tell them to "take the cotton out of their ears and put it in their mouth." Interpretation: shut up and listen.

Everyone at the meeting already knows how to get drunk and stay drunk. The meeting has two groups: 1) those that know how to stay sober, and 2) those that need to learn how.

Those that have been sober for awhile are the only ones there qualified to help the newcomer learn what they need to to get sober and stay that way.






Your post is very defensive.

Do you have anything to offer the OP about getting "sober" and staying "sober"? Do you have life experience with those things?

If not, maybe you should move the cotton.

So much to respond to, and if I didn't have kids to take care of right now I'd commit myself to doing so. However, time does not allow for me to go back and answer each question and respond to each thoughtful comment. Please know that I am reading everything that is posted here and digesting the truth that lies within. SMB, I thank you again for sharing your perspective with me and encouragement. Although I'm sure I've upset/annoyed you with the things I've shared, you have handled yourself in a firm, respectful way, and I truly appreciate that.

What I have been doing here is mostly sharing my thoughts of the day, somewhat like a journal, being truthful with some of the struggles I face on a daily basis. I know that you all will help steer me in the right direction, and I sincerely appreciate that. There is a lot that would be inappropriate for me to talk over with my BH (e.g., feeling like I was in love with OM), so I choose to share it here. Doesn't mean that I share this with my H; I recognize that there are things I should not discuss with him, and those things I share both here and with my therapist. I don't desire to hurt my H anymore than I have. I do have a decent head on my shoulders.

I'm a person that finds comfort in music (music therapy). Right now I'm listening to Jars of Clay greatest hits and one song is cutting right through me as I sit here and type. I feel the need to share it:


God knows my heart, and I am acknowledging that I messed up. I was terribly selfish, horribly lost, and I had honestly given up on myself and God. I never want to return to that life. It's a struggle day to day, but I need to keep my eyes on God and ask Him for the strength that I need to face the battles of the day.

My H is an amazing man. I love him so very much. I feel many times that he would be better off with a more patient, less selfish, more confident wife. But I don't want to let go of him. Instead, I need to strive to be that woman for him.

I'll respond to your points and questions later when I have more time. But, thank you, to those who are legitimately trying to help knock some sense into me. I have needed that.

Scottie, the proselytizing troll comment was mine, although fullmoon kindly embellished it w/ the *bleep* thing. Now, if I could only figure out the difference between a helpful 2x4 and purely incendiary comments...

RM, if you're still reading, I apologize if that comment came across as harsh. I do stand by the assessment, however, and am glad to be proven wrong (as evidenced by your coming back and continued posting).

Methinks you don't believe that this is what I'm trying to do...

Your post was good. I look forward to hearing your responses.

RM, I have some verses that may help you deal with the struggles you are having with your thoughts.

Joshua 1:8, Romans 12:2, Hebrews 12:1,2, Psalm 1, Psalm 119:9

All of these verses talk about meditating on God's Word, replacing your thoughts with His words. Phil 4:8 is also a good one - it talks about thinking about things that are true, lovely, honorable...I would recommend, in addition to reading MB, that you make memorizing some of these scriptures a priority. When those thoughts of OM come up...bring these verses out. Say to yourself, "God says to think on things that are true, honorable, lovely....this is not. God, help me to renew my mind." Be deliberate about it. It works. As my DH says, there's no sense dwelling on crap. And an A is the stinkiest crap of all.

BTW, Mrs. V, this post of yours was right on!

Thanks, smb!

I AGREE TOO.

Love it. "There's no sense dwelling on crap. And an A is the stinkiest crap of all." lol

I was just reading my Bible (FYI- I've never been much of a Bible reader, so this is one positive change I've made in my life recently), and I came back here to post a few parts that hit me today:

Reading from Ephesians 4 & 5

Some of my favorite parts:

" ...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

"For you were once darkenss, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."


* * *
Have a great day y'all

Do something special for your spouse today.

RM,

During my husband's affair, I would play this song over and over and pray for him. I knew that he was trapped inside the chains of satan and that God could set him free.

Maybe this song will minister to you...

Set Me Free by Casting Crowns

I can't cuz I am in Plan B.

Read your own threads(BTW, you CAN ask the mods to combine your threads, so all of the info is in one place), and you may gain a new perspective.

Once he came out of the darkness, this song ministered to both of us.

To me, it's all about recovery and becoming the woman God has planned for me to be.

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

{{{{{Scotland}}}}

RM, many of the BS's on here are in the fight of their lives...battling an active affair. It's dark. It's ugly. It's evil. If you want to read some threads, I suggest you start with some of the BW's threads for a new perspective. See what affairs to to the betrayed and to the children.

We fight/fought for everything we've ever loved...our spouse, our children, our family. Sometimes this battle leads to nervous breakdowns. That's why Dr. H created Plan B...to protect a BS's emotional health.

I had a dear friend commit suicide last winter after finding out about her H's affair. He announced he was leaving her. Next time you think of contacting OM, please consider the BW and the trauma you would cause to her.

God put OM and OMW together and they are meant to be "one". Your interference in that is evil.

You and your BH are meant to be one. Keep your focus there. Dr. H has created an awesome plan of practical steps to developing that "oneness".

MamaBear, I will defer to your experience with AA since I have none. I did not know that newcomers were not allowed to speak and only allowed to say "thank you".

In that case, I will "take the cotton out of my ears"...

I am sure that I can recognize constructive advice versus rude behavior...but I will reread it to see if there was cotton in my ears and I was overly sensitive due to my current defect. Maybe "rutting like pigs" is everyday MB principle talk that would make Dr. Harley proud and not the original work of Vanilla.

I am happy Redeem came back here...unlike some others. I hope she continues to return.

Scotland, I didn't want to talk about my issue because it became "confusing". But, okay, I do not want to confuse Redeem. I want her to get better. I will try to refrain from my "relating". I apologize to you vets for being destructive (in that sense).

Redeem, I am sorry to you if I confused you in any way; that was not my intention (obviously).

Including best for YOU.
Your self-respect ( a term I prefer to the over-used "self-esteem" ) will suffer when you avoid doing what is right, because it is the right thing to do.

That is living your principles.
Not preaching your principles.
That is what we teach our children.

Like they say in AA ....

Progress, not perfection

Redeem
I think it is totally great that you can come here and express what you are thinking at the time. Why? Because if you dwell on the past OM we can virtually slap you. When you do something for the marriage we can praise you. It's how we reward your actions and thoughts so you can repair your marriage.

Sapphire will still get her 2x4 every once in a while especially since we have been in recovery for 5 months. Her intensions are good, but sometimes her thinking is a little off, and posters will correct her. She is greatful for those corrections.

Recently she commented on how hard it must be being a BS, how close our marriage came to divorce, and she admits that she can't understand how the BS and I ever do it. She praises MB saying that if it were not for this site she would most likely be in Austrailia hating herself and not talking to her family. It suprizes me the steps and she takes and the conclusions that she expresses, it is never what I expect. I'm proud to be married to her.

I really hope that you can steer yourself into a better marriage, and I really hope your DH will come around too. Right now though he is just aching, and probablyl does not know what he wants to do.

Well, where to begin?

The man who told you that you were his "greatest love" is another woman's husband.
Say that OUT LOUD to yourself.
ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND.
Say it again.

My H told OW the same thing. Only, my H is a writer, so his words were more poetic and flowery.
We are 14.5 years recovered. My H was as smitten as any adulterer could be smitten.
He dumped OW without fan fair when I told H to "get the he'll out".
Words are tools of flattery and seduction.

You still "feel" it is "OK" to communicate with OM because you have some feelings.
What you fail to realize is that communication with ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND is exactly what caused the worst offense in your marriage.

If you do not listen to reason, and avoid like the plague ANY communication with OM, no matter how oblique, you will put both you and your H back to square one.
There will be consequences to this sort of weakness on your part.

Once you understand MB principles a little better, you will understand the LOVE-BANK concept.
Your H has an EMPTY BANK account.
You have no credit at that bank.
In fact, you are over-drawn.
You need to make enough LB deposits to get out of the RED before you should expect to hear loving words from H.

What wives who are UNFAITHFUL often fail to comprehend is, the depth of anguish their BH is feeling.
A good measure of that anguish is SELF DOUBT.
Yes, SELF DOUBT.
He doubts his ability to recognize truth from lies.
He doubts his ability to ever recover and fully love ANY woman, ever again.
He wonders if he will ever be able to look at you again without seeing OM between your legs, at your breasts, kissing you.
Being in the room with you is torture.
Seeing your beauty is torture.

When you throw back your head to laugh, H wonders if OM made you laugh.
When you rub cream/lotion on your skin, H wonders if OM rubbed cream on you.
It is a LIVING HELL.

Instead of worrying about what ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND feels, think about YOUR husband's feelings.


If you DARE contact OM, no matter how sideways you think you can get away with, you just might destroy, forever, a good man.


You ask:
"Is that terribly wrong?"

It is MUCH WORSE than you imagine.

He is ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND.
You don't think she would mind?
Come on.... You cannot be that dense.


Welcome to MB, by the way.
We are glad you are here.

One thing I thought of when I was reading one (F?)OW advise another (F?)OW to compare the feelings she had for OM to the feelings she initially had for her husband in the beginning of her relationship with him.

HUGE DIFFERENCE: Your husband would have probably never in a million years considered getting with someone else's wife. OM had no problem with that.

Which man has more integrity, values and respects you the most?

I am learning a lot from this thread about how WS think.
I have to admit it is quite scary to see what they tell themselves but it is also refreshing to witness that some of them are willing to give up the A and try recovery.


There is also the scenario, like in my case, where WH just leaves you for OW and in this case I can imagine that the love he feels for OW is so strong that he is not even able to think like any of the WS who are posting on this thread.
They know full well the damage they are or have done to so many people.
At times it feels so hopeless for me to even imagine a recovery of my M.
blessing