Dr. Harley wrote a book with his daughter, Jennifer entitled: Surviving an Affair. In that book, he explains each phase of the recovery process and how love and trust can eventually be completely restored.

You may also want to buy his Love Busters book. There's tons of good information in there, including a chapter entitled:

Restoring Love after Infidelity

Dr. H:

But don't get the impression that a fulfilling marriage after an affair is a rare outcome. In spite of my initial misgivings, I've been a witness to literally thousands of couples who have restored love and trust to their marriage, in spite of the most destructive Love Buster - infidelity.

Some folks will come on here and pile on you. Don't let it get to you.

But listen to the people who offer heart felt advice, even if it is stuff you don't wish to hear.

Your wife will never heal as long as you stay in that job. It simply will not be possible.

How old are your children?

Tell them what is happening. Being in the dark as a child stinks when you KNOW something is happening. Kids are perceptive.

Kids are too young to understand.
1 yr old and 4 yrs old.

Understand about the kids.

But the fact remains that you must leave your job or your wife will not be able to heal.

If you don't do it, then you will be putting your job ahead of your marriage. You may as well divorce and end the pain for everyone and start paying support.

Not only can she not trust you at work but each day you go to work with OW, you will be twisting the knife and causing your W more pain.

My H worked with OW for about 1 month following dday. It was only two days a week but those two days I would be a nervous wreck...it would be hard for me to concentrate, I would cry. It was hell.

Just so you know what you will be putting your W through, on top of the injury of the A to begin with.

You have ruined your ability to stay at that job because of the other woman thing. Now you have to get a different job.

first of all when you marry you cleave to your spouse and leave your parents...your marriage becomes your soul responsibility...doesn't mean you divorce your parents and never see them again, but you put your spouse first.

looks to me, both you guys need a lesson as to what marriage is and what unconditional love is while you're at it.

unless you live in a remote area of Montana, there's bound to be a city within 3 or 4 hours away from where you currently live...

if you want to save your marriage, and by default your marriage should be top priority, moving shouldn't be an issue...moving and being away from parents would probably do you guys some good anyway...

Move....
Or, get a new job...
Or, get a new job and then move.

(if you want to save your marriage that is)

I think i have this right:

You CANNOT leave your job, because it would cause a financial hardship. There are no other jobs you can work at, there are no other employers you could work for, and your wife agrees with you. Moving is not an option. So you plan to go to work everyday, where you have your "intense emotional connection."

Wow. Don't you think your wife will go out of her mind everyday thinking about what is happening at the office???

So, your alternative is divorce. Which I would like to point out to you is going to cause FINANCIAL HARDSHIP. Have you calculated the child support and marital support you will have to pay? Have you considered the change in lifestyle that choice will cause?

Do you know how much income you will have left after you pay your obligations? Because I suggest that you go out and find a new job that will NET you the same amount as that -- and consider that the price you and your wife have to pay as consequences for your choices (both).

Yes - we actually have calculated this as well as discussed marital assets, the house, who would live where, etc...
Our assets are pretty easy to divide evenly (we don't have many assets) and we don't have much equity in the house to argue over. With the initial cost of an uncontested divorce ($200 online) and dividing the assets equally the other primary costs will be moving, and that can wait a few months for 1 of us (her probably).

We'd rent out the house (shouldn't be difficult to rent in our area) and both move to apartments or a less expensive house to off-set the costs of child support. Alimony isn't expected because we haven't been married 9 years.

Yes - it is a HUGE shift in finances and lifestyle...but it seems do-able.

WOW, so you would rather do that than make the same financial adjustment and SAVE YOUR FAMILY?

Why settle for paying CS when you can and should fight for 50/50?

Still, it looks like you're putting the OW and your job over your wife and child.

I would have 50/50 (we already agreed to that too)...but I would still want to pay CS (some) because my wife's income level will be much less than mine. IMO...it wouldn't be right for me not to help her with CS.

There you have your answer! Not every marriage needs to be saved. And sometimes divorce is the definition of success. It sounds like that might be the case here.

Sounds to me like you want the divorce to have free license to see OW at work without the hassle of dealing with a jealous wife.

Yup, wonder if his BW feels the same way, after all, we're talking to a WH here. I'd love to hear what BW has to say.

C76,


If the affair was over and you wanted to recover your marriage, you would take extraordinary precautions to avoid any contact with the OW for life. It doesn't sound like your affair is over, or at the very least you are deep in the throws of withdrawal.

Recovery is hard work. You gotta man up if you're gonna do it.

Does your employer KNOW you have been trolling the employee pool for cheap action? Because if you are crazy enough to do that, then they need to know so they can protect themselves legally. You have placed them in serious legal harm. At my company you would be dismissed. You are a loose cannon.

What is your company's policy about workplace affairs?

And have you been tested for cooties? A woman who will do a married man obviously gets around and has been "rode hard and put up wet." It would be tragic if you gave your wife some STD.

Captain...

Here is something to think about. Do you feel that since your children are so young, they will not feel the impact of divorce? That is not true, imo. When my bil left my sister, he also abandoned a 3-year-old daughter. As little as she was, she began acting out - regressing back to tantrums, and even going into depression. Some children might regress with potty training. I think when children the age of yours go through this sort of thing, they can't understand it in its entirety, but they do know it's a momentous thing that is affecting their security and will tuck away what they do not understand at their tender age to take it down again later and try to understand.

Are you comfortable with telling your children 10 years from now that you and their mother didn't try to save their family? Didn't try to keep it intact? Are both you and your wife okay with that? You can live with that?

Are you comfortable with another man raising your kids 50% of the time? What if he isn't the sort of father you are? That's okay with you?

How long have you two been married? Don't you think it might sit better on your consciences if you can at least tell your kids that you tried? That you used MB concepts for 1 month for each year of marriage and then say 6 additional months because there were children involved? You're young. You have the rest of your life to be single. Don't your kids deserve a year of your time, working with their mother to make doubly sure their parents are better off living apart?

Something to think about. If I were your age and had kids - I'd probably take 2 years and try my hardest before I gave up. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself otherwise.

And just an FYI...statistically relationships borne of infidelity rarely last. It's because the foundation is comprised of dishonesty, guilt, and suspicion/jealousy. They are doomed from the start.

So you have accepted that your lifestyle and financial security i
is going to go downhill for awhile?

So your choices are:

1. Find new job and work with your wife to restore your marriage. Using the tools here, it could be the best marriage ever.

2. Ruin your childrens chance at safety, security, and rolemodel to your children that you should destroy a family when someone gives you 6 weeks worth of intense emotional connection.