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RedeemMe .... A classic. Please read, and re-read.
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Trueheart's Letter
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Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months, or years.
I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in.
The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well.
They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you?
We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty.
You took an oath, in your heart and mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on.
I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water.
We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok.
What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!
The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an A.
I know what is like to have that OP fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us.
You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all.
The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family.
It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you.
The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life".
I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was.
I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter.
They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!!
Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them??
By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life.
You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process.
What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage.
They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand.
They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before.
I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write *edit* There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!
*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*
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This was written by long-ago poster, Trueheart. A classic.
[quote=Redeem_Me]I'm a person that finds comfort in music (music therapy). Right now I'm listening to Jars of Clay greatest hits and one song is cutting right through me as I sit here and type. I feel the need to share it:
RM,
That's a GREAT song!!! I've always loved JOC. Here's an oldie but goodie that may help you when you have doubts......"What if I Stumble.." by DC Talk. You'll have to search for it yourself, because I am computer illiterate......
Not2fun
Ps....Pep that was a great post....as usual.....
And SMB, as always......... .......for those who don't know, when I first arrived here, SMB's thread was the very first thread I ever read. It was through her I would see what it takes to do Plan A, a understanding of the trials I would soon endure (as if Dday wasn't enough...), and the knowledge to know that while each and every person here IS special, our situations are NOT unique......Redeem Me, you have a very special lady helping you. Take advantage of that.........
MamaBear, I will defer to your experience with AA since I have none. I did not know that newcomers were not allowed to speak and only allowed to say "thank you".
No one other than the lead-giver speaks at the lead meetings, except when the floor is opened to the group for comments TO THE SPEAKER.
At a discussion meeting, anyone is "allowed" to speak. But when you make a blubbering fool of yourself drooling over your lost drink, wiser people WILL most certainly set you straight!
The "old timers" know what's at stake if that person is allowed to continue to drool. They WILL get drunk.
Same application here. If a WW continues to drool over her "lost love", she will relapse...try to make contact and possilby resume the affair.
No one here wants that for RM. We are not bitter BS's who just want to hurt all the waywards that come here. We have worked Dr. H's program and know what it takes for a wayward to become a former wayward. We will do whatever it takes to help a wayward become just that...even if it means hurting her feelings once in awhile because sometimes the truth HURTS.
You can call it mean. I call it love. I will love every wayward on here enough to tell them what the need to hear to become a person of integrity again.
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I am happy Redeem came back here...unlike some others.
In my estimation, those that don't come back, were never serious about doing the necessary work to recover their marriage. They spent more time here whining about the "meanies" on the board than they did reading and learning what it takes to rebuild their marriage from the ashes.
Just like at AA, there are many that come through the doors who were never serious about recovery.
I am learning a lot from this thread about how WS think. I have to admit it is quite scary to see what they tell themselves but it is also refreshing to witness that some of them are willing to give up the A and try recovery. ......
There is also the scenario, like in my case, where WH just leaves you for OW and in this case I can imagine that the love he feels for OW is so strong that he is not even able to think like any of the WS who are posting on this thread. They know full well the damage they are or have done to so many people. At times it feels so hopeless for me to even imagine a recovery of my M.
atena, people here have been trying to get Redeem Me to see that words of OM were easily given and meant nothing. They sounded completely sincere, but they were not. He has done nothing to follow through on them.
Your post might give her hope that he did indeed mean his words and that secretly he is pining for her.
We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok.
This is so true, WH would bring us stuff about me I did 10 years ago and did not even remember doing::!
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You create new memories, new routines, a new life.
Unfortunately WH told me (and Steve Harley)that he wanted to create new memories, new routines, a new life with someone new and not waste anymore energy on the M who, according to him, was hopeless. Well, all of this helps me see how things really can become as they cut both ways. blessing
And SMB, as always......... .......for those who don't know, when I first arrived here, SMB's thread was the very first thread I ever read. It was through her I would see what it takes to do Plan A, a understanding of the trials I would soon endure (as if Dday wasn't enough...), and the knowledge to know that while each and every person here IS special, our situations are NOT unique......Redeem Me, you have a very special lady helping you. Take advantage of that.........
Not, you're making me cry. That was so very sweet.
Just so you know, RM, I am an equal opportunity 2x4er. I gave my dear friend, Not, who is a BW, a few 2x4's. I wanted her to set the bar HIGH for her FWH to protect herself from false recoveries (FR).
A false recovery is when a wayward starts recovery or pretends recovery) and then goes back into contact with the affair partner (AP). FRs are so intensely painful. I know because my FWH put me through a horrible one. FRs cause AT LEAST as much damage as the affair itself.
Just another reason to stop thinking about trying to make contact/have closure/get info from a friend/etc.
That road leads nowhere but back into darkness and suffering...for EVERYONE.
I have to remind myself every hour, every minute, whenever DWG smiles or seems to enjoy something, that it is merely a brief respite for her in the living hell she is stuck in which I have caused her to endure. It is difficult at times to remember that. Sometimes, I feel like I need respite from that reality. Sometimes, I still slip and try to steer her away from thoughts of my betrayal and try to prolong the good moments. Markos reminded me of what a mistake that is. It is a mistake, no question. It seems so counter-intuitive. Nothing worthwhile is easy.
This is a little off-subject regarding violating NC, and I apologize, but Pepperband's wise words made me think of this. This is a very long road, but you will never even pull out of the garage and make it to the street if you violate no-contact. You can't run until you can walk, and you can't walk until to can stand up, and you can't do that until you regain your balance.
FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
We're getting ready to take a family trip together over the weekend. It'll be nice to get out of the house and be able to relax together.
Today I was thinking about the post that someone shared written by the WS who was feeling like she was tossed aside like garbage. I absolutely feel that same way. Although I'm dealing with it better today than last week, I definitely found it difficult to accept that the OM had used me then tossed me away, proving to me that I meant nothing to him. His W also supported this idea when I had that text chat with her; she said he had thrown everything that I had ever given him or that reminded him of me away. That was hard to take after having such an intense, emotional relationship with him....... but good, too. I'm glad she shared that, and I'm glad I know now that I meant nothing to him. This helps me move forward and leave him in my past.
One thing the OMW shared was that the OM was going to buy a new motorcycle (with her support) because he and I had gone on rides together on his current one. This was especially difficult for me to accept, since it seemed extremely unfair: while I was dealing with my H moving out temporarily, watching my BH deal with the most intense emotional pain of his life, the OM is out shopping for a new motorcycle with his wife (which he wanted anyway, so it's like he's getting a "gift" from his W for having an affair). But that goes to show how forgiving she is, too, and how she wanted to have a future with him. So, all good for me to know...
I share that story because knowing that the OMW was buying him a brand new motorcycle contributed to the idea in my mind that she wasn't being hard enough on him. I definitely feel like he's gotten off easy, and honestly that concerns me. What's to keep him from doing this again to her? (Additionally, my H didn't contact the OM, nor hunt him down... and honestly I kind of think he should have since the OMW wasn't being hard enough on him...)
I feel like my H has gone about this the right way-- made me suffer, made me have to grovel and prove my love to him. I know that I would never do this to him again, and he knows that now too since I've had to prove to him that I want to work on a better relationship with him.
There's a ton more that I could write but that is what was on my mind at the moment.
Last edited by Redeem_Me; 07/22/1010:01 AM.
WW Confessed to H about A July 2010 Married to "insomniac"
I share that story because knowing that the OMW was buying him a brand new motorcycle contributed to the idea in my mind that she wasn't being hard enough on him.
I don't think his getting a new motorcycle had anything to do with his wife "rewarding" him. This may offend you as a OW, but I can actually relate to your OMW's feelings about this. My FWH had a brand new BEAUTIFUL Trooper. He loved that car. He totaled it at the end of his affair in 2003 and I was happy to see it go. Know why? Because OW had ridden in it. Later, we got rid of ALL memories/possible triggers of OW. Your OM buying that new motorcyle was about getting rid of all memories/possible triggers of you.
What you had with this man was NOT love. What my FWH had with his OW was not love. It was a lie all built on a fantasy.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
I think the feeling used/like garbage and your anger at OM are good things to help you through withdrawal. However, be careful you don't spend time fixating on him or these emotions.
Something you need to recognize, too, is that the anger you feel towards OM, and the unfairness you mention, are feelings that you need to own. Meaning: for the WS, I think anger at the AP (affair partner) is entirely misplaced. You own your decisions for the A 100%, so any anger at the AP is taking away your ownership of this. Same goes for unfairness. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Beyond that, imagine what your BS feels. If you read several BS's threads here, and as you may have seen from your own BH, the experience runs the gamut: intense anger, loss, unfairness... And they didn't have a choice in it.
You're at the very beginning of recovery, RM. Don't let any of this discourage you - it's HARD, but it's worth it.
No one other than the lead-giver speaks at the lead meetings, except when the floor is opened to the group for comments TO THE SPEAKER.
At a discussion meeting, anyone is "allowed" to speak. But when you make a blubbering fool of yourself drooling over your lost drink, wiser people WILL most certainly set you straight!
The "old timers" know what's at stake if that person is allowed to continue to drool. They WILL get drunk.
Thank you for this explanation. I truly want to understand. From this, I understand that if the alcoholic were to say (for instance), "I started drinking because I became depressed when my 6-year-old daughter died after being struck by a car..." the general group response might be, "You chose to take that drink and you have to take ownership for that" (regardless of his reasoning or feelings). I know that AA is effective. If this sort of response works in AA, I can understand how you may be rigid in the way you handle WS here.
Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Same application here. If a WW continues to drool over her "lost love", she will relapse...try to make contact and possilby resume the affair.
Okay. This makes sense. But what if she isn't drooling over the lost love, but merely expressing the reality in that...she goes "back and forth"...some moments are better than others, some moments she has complete clarity and at other times she hurts. Isn't this permissible?
Originally Posted by sexymamabear
No one here wants that for RM. We are not bitter BS's who just want to hurt all the waywards that come here. We have worked Dr. H's program and know what it takes for a wayward to become a former wayward. We will do whatever it takes to help a wayward become just that...even if it means hurting her feelings once in awhile because sometimes the truth HURTS.
Thank you for that, truly. In one day, you (all) were able to help me expose something to my H that I could not push myself to do in well over a year. And now that H knows, I hope there is no chance for a PA or anything else between me and OM.
The reality is, I have had NC with OM. There is an event coming up that we all must be at together next month. I am hoping that I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything to him except "hi". I'm hoping that my feelings are well under control by that point. But I am not 100% certain of that. Just stating that to you (BS) would be deemed as drooling, right? Where do I express that sort of feeling? [Scotland is right, maybe I should move this to my thread...]
Originally Posted by sexymamabear
You can call it mean. I call it love. I will love every wayward on here enough to tell them what the need to hear to become a person of integrity again.
Integrity. Yes. I constantly remind myself that "I am a woman of 'integrity'."
Originally Posted by sexymamabear
In my estimation, those that don't come back, were never serious about doing the necessary work to recover their marriage. They spent more time here whining about the "meanies" on the board than they did reading and learning what it takes to rebuild their marriage from the ashes.
Thank you for this explanation. I truly want to understand. From this, I understand that if the alcoholic were to say (for instance), "I started drinking because I became depressed when my 6-year-old daughter died after being struck by a car..." the general group response might be, "You chose to take that drink and you have to take ownership for that" (regardless of his reasoning or feelings). I know that AA is effective. If this sort of response works in AA, I can understand how you may be rigid in the way you handle WS here.
In AA they would identify this as blameshifting. Blaming others [or life's events] for your drinking. Alcoholics are notorious for finding excuses for drinking. Until the alcoholic takes full responsibility for his choices then he can never recover.
If he used life events as an excuse to drink in the past, he will use it in the future. Excuses, blameshifting and rationalizations dont work in AA.
That is not "rigid" thinking, that is RATIONAL THINKING. It is not "supportive" to help anyone find excuses for their bad behavior. AA is a very supportive program versus an ENABLING program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
[The reality is, I have had NC with OM. There is an event coming up that we all must be at together next month. I am hoping that I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything to him except "hi". I'm hoping that my feelings are well under control by that point. But I am not 100% certain of that. Just stating that to you (BS) would be deemed as drooling, right? Where do I express that sort of feeling? [Scotland is right, maybe I should move this to my thread...]
This explains why you are still so fogged out. That was pretty apparent in your posts. You have not even BEGUN recovery and are not even serious about it.
If you were serious you would end contact.
And where do you express your "feeling" about continuing your adutlery? Over on the TOW board for cheaters. Not here. This is the place for recovery, not cheating.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
First, yes, it would be appropriate for you to take this discussion to your thread, (though not bad for saddestwife and/or Redeem_Me to be reading these things on their threads).
This is why I'm responding:
Originally Posted by fullmoon16
I hope there is no chance for a PA or anything else between me and OM.
And this:
Originally Posted by fullmoon16
I am hoping that I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything to him except "hi". I'm hoping that my feelings are well under control by that point. But I am not 100% certain of that.
Do you see what is wrong with these statements?
YOU are in charge of you. HOPE is not a plan. You say you want to be a woman of integrity? Then you commit to it, develop a plan for it, and guarantee its success.
We can help you with all of this, but none of it matters if you don't take it to heart and commit - not just hope.
We will not help her develop a plan to go see her OM. The MB plan is to end ALL CONTACT FOR LIFE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Mel, I think she is in no contact - although I would like to see if she realizes NC means NO CONTACT. No facebook, no stories from her H, nothing.
And ditto on the NOT developing a plan to go see the OM. I meant we will help her develop a plan wherein she becomes that woman of integrity she says she wants to be - including, but not limited to, NC, EPs, MB concepts, etc.
I don't think his getting a new motorcycle had anything to do with his wife "rewarding" him.
I do understand your point, but I also know he wanted a new motorcycle. He and I had looked at new motorcycles together before we ended the affair, and he shared that he wanted to get a new model. So really that's what's bothering me-- seems to me that he's using the affair as an excuse to get what he wants. Hopefully that's not the case, but it's possible that it is.
Maybe a better solution would have been for the BS to tell him he needs to sell his motorcycle and couldnt' buy a new one until a certain amount of time had passed. Then at least she's getting him away from that "trigger" and he's being "punished" versus "rewarded".... I dunno... just doesn't seem right from my perspective...
Last edited by Redeem_Me; 07/22/1010:55 AM.
WW Confessed to H about A July 2010 Married to "insomniac"
[quote=princessmeggy] I don't think his getting a new motorcycle had anything to do with his wife "rewarding" him. [quote]
I do understand your point, but I also know he wanted a new motorcycle. He and I had looked at new motorcycles together before we ended the affair, and he shared that he wanted to get a new model. So really that's what's bothering me-- seems to me that he's using the affair as an excuse to get what he wants. Hopefully that's not the case, but it's possible that it is.
That may be HIS reasonings (but YOU don't know that for SURE) ... I was speaking on behalf of the OMW and where SHE is probably coming from. It has nothing to do with "rewards" but getting rid of triggers. My DH and I actually had a burning ceremony of types where we burned all letters, pictures, cards, etc. from OW and my DH pronounced that from the ashes our marriage would arise brand new (or something like that.)
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
I'm going to place my bet that the OMW is trying to do everything she can, without MB help, to save her marriage. She is trying to make him happy so he doesn't run off. I tried to lure my WW with everything I could think of to get her back to me, but it didn't work.
Redeem, it is none of your business what they do, or how their marriage is. Do not contact OMW, I'm sure it kills her. Do not try to get updates on the OM. Cut it all off, cold.
You say you feel like garbage being tossed aside. Your BS and the OMW were treated like garbage, run down, and forced to stick around through the whole thing. They didn't even do the wrong thing.
.......for those who don't know, when I first arrived here, SMB's thread was the very first thread I ever read. It was through her I would see what it takes to do Plan A, a understanding of the trials I would soon endure (as if Dday wasn't enough...), and the knowledge to know that while each and every person here IS special, our situations are NOT unique......Redeem Me, you have a very special lady helping you. Take advantage of that......... 