Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Soolee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
Over the last several weeks my husband has expressed some interest in going to an October Fest put on by our church. This would be $30.00 to listen to a band I don't know and eat hotdogs, sourkrout (sp), and drink beer.

Ok - this is just not the sort of thing I believe I would find enjoyable. I told him each time that it isn't my idea of fun. I'm sure the music would be fine, but I am not into this type of food. What is more, the last few times I have had beer, my stomach has revolted against it. Furthermore, I am a CCD teacher at our church, and I feel it's important to set a good example.

So, I guess my question is should one join in a recreation, even when it isn't the sort of thing you enjoy doing, for the sake of making one's spouse happy?

Sometimes I feel like I am being 'set up' in that he will suggest doing something, and I will say 'no' because it isn't my cup of tea. Then he will say something like 'see - this is why we never go anywhere or do anything...'

Thoughts appreciated.

Sooly


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 39
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 39
Sooly ... I am new to MB but from what I understand about the POJA you must enthusiasically agree on your choices of recreation. Doesn't sound like you're to enthusiastic on this one. I would tell H that I would prefer to not attend this function but suggest an alternative that you both like. (If you do end up going with H just to make him happy you will surely be a sour puss and resent going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />) Is it the band, the food or the drink that is appealing to H? Perhaps discuss a concert or restaurant with music/band as an alternative activity.
c (W) of bNc_78

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Soolee
So, I guess my question is should one join in a recreation, even when it isn't the sort of thing you enjoy doing, for the sake of making one's spouse happy?

Soolee, my FWH and I have been examining this very issue, since we have rarely been able to find much enjoyment in each other's preferred recreational activities.

We're NOT supposed to sacrifice, so when we're offered a RC activity that we find REALLY obnoxious, we SHOULDN'T do it. Since H and I share so few mutually enjoyable activities, we've begun raising the question, "What would it TAKE for you (me) to BE enthusiastic about what you'd like to do?"

We recently applied it this way:
My H LOVES motorcycle shows. Even when it's 102 in the shade. I have no interest in motorcycles, and even less interest in dying of heat. Last time it came up, I said, "I could be enthusiastic if we limited our time there and stopped for dinner at that new place on the way home."

I didn't dread going to that show because we agreed on how long we'd stay, and we both looked forward to an enjoyable dinner afterwards (in air-conditioned comfort).

In your sitch, would it work for you to pass on the beer (bring your own soft drink), and agree to leave after a specified period of time?


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Isn't that what couples do for one another. They have different interests, but are willing to partake on occasion simply to please the other person. They may or may not get any joy out of it, but they are doing it to make the other person happy.

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
But the point is, NOT to be miserable--to sacrifice--in order to please the other. One partner gaining at the other's expense only makes love bank withdrawals and ultimately builds resentment.

Imperative to learn how to negotiate these situations. So BOTH enjoy them. Ask: "What would it take to make me enthusiastic about this?" GOTTA be win-win!


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
There is a recreation questionnaire at the back of SAA. It is actually really good and has ideas for RC that I had never even considered!

Quote
But the point is, NOT to be miserable--to sacrifice--in order to please the other. One partner gaining at the other's expense only makes love bank withdrawals and ultimately builds resentment.

Imperative to learn how to negotiate these situations. So BOTH enjoy them. Ask: "What would it take to make me enthusiastic about this?" GOTTA be win-win!

while this s very true, a problem can happen when one spouse doesnt particularly have any real desire for a particular RC but is happy to join in with the other spouse. They might not be jumping up and down with joy over the RC but isnt against it either.I feel that I should make an effort to take part in RC even if it isnt a top EN because it is one for my spouse.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by lildoggie
a problem can happen when one spouse doesnt particularly have any real desire for a particular RC but is happy to join in with the other spouse. They might not be jumping up and down with joy over the RC but isnt against it either.I feel that I should make an effort to take part in RC even if it isnt a top EN because it is one for my spouse.

Agree with this 100%, lil.

All our marriage we struggled--and failed--to find RC activities we are BOTH enthusiastic about (even using Dr. H's lengthy list). Frustrating, but "going along" (unless we have a vigorous objection) is an improvement over our many years of IB.

We continue to search for mutually enthusiastic alternatives. In the meantime, what we're doing now is SOOO much better because we're doing it TOGETHER and without resentment.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
I think it might have been Mark who said once that you don't really need to be jumping up and down for joy to reach POJA, just both in agreement, and neither feeling like they are sacrificing.

So 'going along' would be acceptable I think. I love geocaching, motorbikes and SCUBA, but my enthusiasm is a bit muted when it comes to HAM radio for instance smile


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Geocaching? Hadda Google that. Interesting, but too hi-tech for me, LOL.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
Nay smile

A GPS (which can be pricey I admit) and a computer. The site tells you how to do everything.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Do I understand correctly that the "reward" is finding it first? Or is there more to it?

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Soolee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
Thanks guys. That original post is almost 5 years old, so just wanted to clarify that. I've since learned a lot about MB and can't honestly remember if I attended that event or not! lol



Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 154 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5