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Thread Jack Alert @@@@@ MrsW. I have always been thankful that I didn't throw a grenade into another family though - the one I threw into my own family was horrible enough... Ahhh, but that was not you who did it. You have changed and become a different person than the bomb thrower you mention. You got up close and personal with an electric fence and that motivated you to move in a different life direction. MrW did his sneaky bit by figuring out how to encourage the OM to voluntarily move on down the road among other tactics that worked. Good man Mr.W  And you guys found MB. That was a good thing. While you can only speculate (probably at 99.9% accuracy) what kind of marriage you would have had without the affair, you can see for yourself what you have now. What I am trying to say is that you are not the same person you were then. That was the short version. The long one is over on Other topics. Larry End thread jack @@@
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Mrs W
I have always been thankful that I didn't throw a grenade into another family though - the one I threw into my own family was horrible enough...
Actually you did help create a dilemma for OM, in that in his next relationship does he tell about being with a married woman or not. If he does not tell it opens the door to more lies on his part, and heartbreak for his future family. So the grenade into his family might just be of the time delayed fuse kind.
And frankly if I were your H I would wait for OM to get married and then send his wife an email!
God Bless
Gamma
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t/j
Gamma, at first when I read your post all I thought was "Harsh." That's because I have seen Mrs W post to many people and I have come to think of her as a definite FWW who has felt the remorse over HER actions. She has worked on herself and become a great help on these boards.
Also, your "what if" scenario really isn't valid. Firstly, NC means NC and I believe that neither MrsW nor MrW should even find out if OM gets M. Secondly, what OM tells his future relationships is HIS problem and not contingent on what MrsW did. These are the consequences of his actions and if he decides to continue on his personal path of destruction, that is HIS choice. MrsW is making herself better and she is dealing with all of the consequences of HER actions. She will continue to do so forever and that is why she has the great distinction of being a FWW.
t/j over
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Mrs W
I have always been thankful that I didn't throw a grenade into another family though - the one I threw into my own family was horrible enough...
Actually you did help create a dilemma for OM, in that in his next relationship does he tell about being with a married woman or not. If he does not tell it opens the door to more lies on his part, and heartbreak for his future family. So the grenade into his family might just be of the time delayed fuse kind.
And frankly if I were your H I would wait for OM to get married and then send his wife an email!
God Bless
Gamma Well Gamma, I am not responsible for the poor life choices or the consequences of those poor choices that the single OM made - the single OM who contacted me knowing that I was married - I am not responsible for the future choices that he makes either... I am responsible for my poor choices and the consequences of those - I have made amends Gamma - I have been forgiven by Mr. W and by God... As an aside though, I was contacted by OM's ex-wife after the affair - she had been his ex-wife for a year prior to him contacting me, btw - She called me regarding something that her young daughter was saying - Gamma, I confessed to her and apologized for having her little girl anywhere near a disgusting adulterous situation - she didn't seem to care one bit, btw - but I sure did and I am glad that I apologized... As far as Mr. W writing to any future wives of OM? First, it's not like we'd know what goes on in the life of OM anyway, however, I'd support Mr. W in any decision that he made where that whole situation was concerned...I highly doubt - in fact I can say with 100% certainty really - that he'd not entertain that notion though - If you'd like Gamma, I can have Mr. W address that for you - he posts here too... Best, Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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t/j
Gamma, at first when I read your post all I thought was "Harsh." That's because I have seen Mrs W post to many people and I have come to think of her as a definite FWW who has felt the remorse over HER actions. She has worked on herself and become a great help on these boards.
Also, your "what if" scenario really isn't valid. Firstly, NC means NC and I believe that neither MrsW nor MrW should even find out if OM gets M. Secondly, what OM tells his future relationships is HIS problem and not contingent on what MrsW did. These are the consequences of his actions and if he decides to continue on his personal path of destruction, that is HIS choice. MrsW is making herself better and she is dealing with all of the consequences of HER actions. She will continue to do so forever and that is why she has the great distinction of being a FWW.
t/j over Thank you much, Scotty! I really appreciate you!  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Seems to have gotten a bit off subject here but, had a talk w H today as he was traveling back from his trip. He just doesn't seem to understand why I am so upset over this. I told him that I didn't know too many other wives who wouldn't be pitching a fit over it. I just outright asked him if he still wanted to be married and he said of course he does...
I've gotten a little info out of him today and have done some digging. Seem to be finding a few other questionable things. I don't know where this is going to end up.
I am going later this week to visit him for a few days so, we'll see how that goes.
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Right now you have no marriage.
To rope this in you have to do a few things.
1. Do a surprise visit to the husband
2. Put your name on all the accounts
3. Do not allow him to buy a house.
4. Get an attorney involved
5. Have him followed and find out who she is
6. Expose her to everyone.
If you dont start taking some action, you are going to be left high and dry and he will have spent all his money so you will not even get any of that in a divorce. What is wrong with you? Why are you sitting back and watching this happen and not doing anything?
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Bubbles you are CORRECTOMUNDO. Wow. When I read this, I thought, "what would happen if he put that other house in POSOW's name?" Oh, what a horrible thought.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I am not sitting back and "letting" this happen. I plan on a trip later this week. I have gotten the majority of his passwords and and snooping. I have considered hiring a PI but, it's complicated. This is spread out over 3 states so, I'm trying to figure out the logistics of it. I talked to him yesterday about adding my name to his accounts. I am working on this.
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Can anyone tell me what kind of GPS device would be best? Maybe something that can just be put under a bumper or installed very quickly? And, maybe a VAR? Where to get these items? How much? And, any experiences on how well they work?
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Look for the spying 101 thread. It is usually lurking in the first three or four pages of thread listings. Or do a search.
Larry
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Update on this situation. Not much different--still being gas lighted.
H finally got to come home from in job in another state. Returned 5/15.
Continues to hide phone bill, bank statements and anything else he can think of. Very secretive about his laptop--secret passwords to everything including a security code on cell phone. Very secretive with cell phone--getting it before his feet hit the floor in the a.m. (literally).
I found out that the trip he took back in April to MI which I was told was just an overnight trip was actually a 3 night, 4 day trip.
He has put our house up for sale and has bought a foreclosure town home in a not such a great area and said he needed a "project" to work with having several months off work. So, we bought this place and 2 days after closing on it, he leaves to go back to MI for a WHOLE MONTH... supposedly for a high school reunion and to look for a second "vacation" home there. I was supposed to be going up for a week to attend the high school reunion but now he says he will probably have to come back to work on the townhouse that week. So, he obviously does not want me up there.
I thought that the communication with OW had stopped but it hasn't.
We have a prenupt agreement and he has already said that I would leave with nothing. I think I need to go get some professional advice on that. I haven't had the opportunity to do that so far.
Step son is STILL here mooching off us--he was supposed to be gone by the end of June...but, still here with no prospects of moving out.
So, I am just very confused. On one hand, I think that maybe he got this townhouse for the stepson to live in and on another I think that maybe he is going to push me off in it, sell our house and move to MI... I do not know what this man is up to. He is a very complicated person to read sometimes.
I had thought about calling a PI to check on him but I don't believe I would be able to afford it...
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From another thread Just got home from a 14 hour drive from MI. I went there for 3 days to visit my H who had been there since 7/3. He went there to supposedly look for a second (vacation or part time) home for us to buy.
He ended up renting a place and now says that he's not sure that he wants to buy but would still like to have an inexpensive place for us to vacation sometimes.
About 30 minutes after I got there, he started getting text messages and he freely showed them to me but didn't answer. After about 4 of them, he told me that there were some things that he needed to talk to me about. So, we sat down and he told me that he had been talking to Debbie (old girlfriend) since January. And, that he had come up to MI to spend some time with her to see if there was still anything there between them and there wasn't. She kept texting asking him if his wife had arrived yet? And, why wasn't he talking to her today? And, could she and her mom come over to meet me--all after he had supposedly told her they needed to stop.
He says that he told her over a week ago that they needed to cease their frivilous conversations and texting and that he was going to tell me everything. Which, I already knew something was going on. He said that he spent all Fourth of July with her. He lied to me and told me when he went that she was not even there, that she was in TX.
He swears to me there was no kind of physical contact.
He said that he was not sure that he wanted to stay married to me because he could not trust me because of my previous A that ended almost 2 years ago. And, that he does believe that there has been no further contact between me and OM and this is correct. And, he also addressed issues of our sex life (not often enough) and says that I'm very negative in my thinking and words--especially concerning his 23 year old son that has been living with us for over a year now.
We bought a condo that we're fixing up here in my hometown and our home has been up for sale for about a month or so. I had been asking him if he was planning on putting me in this condo and taking off to live in MI and he always said no but on our drive home, he says that this was the plan. He is just waffling between he's not sure if he wants to stay married. We did do some good communicating over the past few days but, what am I to do? I don't want to loose my husband.
Is this man putting things in place to leave me? He is so hard to read because he has always been one to do things like this on the spur of the moment and changes his mind from day to day.
Please direct me on what my best steps would be to keep my H from leaving me. I really do not want a D.
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So your suspicions are brought into light, and he confessed them. I think his confession and his cheating are both reactions to your previous A. It's his bad decision, not that I blame you, but it maybe apparent that he wants to blame you.
Did he confess because he knows what it is like being the BS, and doesn't want to get in any deeper?
How long has he thought of cheating on you, was it before he talked to OW?
His job out of town, did he meet up with OW?
Have you affair proofed yourself, and why didn't your husband?
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I had your same thought--that it was his reaction to my actions previously.
I'm not certain exactly why he confessed. He said that it was because he hated lying to me and didn't want to do that any longer. I do not know how long he has thought of this--but, says that he has been talking to this OW since January of this year.
OW is an old high school girlfriend and he says that she found him on FB.
The answer the previous question--I have not come right out and asked him if he has unanswered questions but he did say that he just did not understand why. I am not the best at verbalizing and or communication because I always seem to get upset and cry but I did try to explain to him the reasons why I thought I did what I did--circumstances that made A possible, selfishness and just sheer stupidity.
What are the best actions for me to take to try to show my H that I do love him and want us to stay together? We addressed 3 issues and I told him that I would do whatever I could to improve on those.
Why did this woman do all this texting after he told her that they needed to stop talking? He said he had not heard from her in a while and then all of a sudden, when she knew I was there she starts it again? He said that she was just being evil and trying to start us fighting.
What is my next step?
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Hey Dawn,
Nobody should more aware of the fact that there can't be any recovery until the affair is over and no contact is in place.
You can discuss this civilly with your husband until you are blue in the face but until and unless he ceases all contact with the OW you really aren't making RECOVERY progress (it's just Plan A trying to attract him back to the marriage and PUSH him towards making a decision to cut OW completely out of his life without making a ultimatum that he go no contact).
Seems you two MAY have an opportunity to really turn this around now coming at recovery as equals as opposed to one betrayed and one wayward. I've seen this work a few times on the board where the revenge affair seems to balance things out and recovery moves along much easier when both of you are the bad guy. (doesn't make it right)
Mr. W
p.s.- nothing physical??? So is OW a nun and why the heck did she want to come meet you with her mother?
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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My thought, and I like to assume things, is the OW text your WH while you were there to purposefully try to break you two up for her own reasons. If he tols her to stop talking to him, then she pulls something this daring, who knows what she is thinking, especially if she wants her mom to meet you? It seems that your H story might be true, that he wants to end it, if he told you straight up after months of lying. Or did you confront him again while she was texting him?
I just don't understand.
MrW is right. This needs to end, and if your husband is willing to help, to get away from crazy OW, then let him help. The first step to breaking up an affair is exposure.
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Thanks Mr. W and WS,
I'm not sure what made him confess. He said it was because he hated lying to me and didn't want to do that anymore and felt that he needed to come clean.
He said he told OW that he was going to tell me everything and that they needed to cease contact. He said he had not heard from her in a couple of weeks and I guess he made the mistake of telling her that I was coming there and I hadn't been there 30 minutes when she texted him. That is when is sat me down and told me.
He said that he thought she was just being evil and trying to break us up.
Then, yesterday afternoon--we had been driving all day and had just gotten home, she texted again and asked if he made it home okay and to tell me hello.
He thinks that if he just ignores her that she will get the message and go away. I wanted to text her back or call her myself and he won't let me. I told him that ignoring this isn't going to make it go away.
I don't really have anyone to expose to. I don't know this woman or her mother nor anyone else who knows her. She is an old high school girlfriend. We just attended his 35th reunion. She was not there.
Thanks guys for the support--I really do appreciate it. Keep it coming please.
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I think you need to verify how bad your husband wants to end contact with this woman. Get him to write a NC letter, and you approve it.
Exposure will also kill the OW wanting to contact your WH. Your WH knows who she is, and who her parents are and who the OWH is. You can try to get this info from him.
You can also test the waters of exposure to see if he would be willing to work with you on exposing to his family. I doubt he will be willing, but its always worth a try. It is still something that needs to be done.
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Well, I got more details this past Wednesday. WH told me more things because I think he was afraid that she was going to call me.
He said that he brought her to where he was working for a weekend...the weekend after I went there to visit. Told me where they went and that they attempted to have sex but, he couldn't do it.
Then, he went to where she lives and spent the 4th of July with her while I was sitting at home alone. Things they did then and another attempt to have sex--again, same result. He said it was out of guilt.
He has now agreed to work on us but I believe he is trying to leave the door open for her.
I called and talked to her--very cordially and just told her that I knew everything and for her to please leave my husband alone and that she was intruding in our marrige. She said that she didn't feel that she was intruding on anything so I asked her "so, you don't think that having an affair with a married man is intruding on someones' marriage?" She said that he told her it was over with me and she believed him. I told her it didn't matter--even if we were seperated that we were still married. So, that went well and she has not contacted again so far.
She did forward me 2 text messages that he had sent her that very morning. This is what they say:
"I told her Saturday. It's been non stop questions about you and how she can fix the marriage. I have never lied to you! I still love you and I believe you love me. I believe you did this to not be a part of my divorce. Ok. I wish you would stop hurting me though."
and
"Please explain what you think I lied about. You're wrong. I took the jewelry back cause you dumped me. You said it was nothing I did but it was you that lost feelings???"
So, not really sure about this...
What can I do to make my husband think that I am his best choice? Please, someone direct me and give your opinions about all this crap.
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