There is no need for the child to have contact with the father to mitigate these factors. There is no need for mm to have this knowledge either.

A family history of Sickle Cell, for example, means nothing unless the child himself has the gene. The only way to know that is to test the child, using a simple blood test. The gene is not automatically passed from parent to child. There is a roughly one in four chance that IF the father has the gene without symptoms, the child has the gene. If he has the gene without symptoms (i.e. if he only has the trait and not the full-blown disease) then it will not affect his general health, ever. It might be something that doctors need to take into account if he ever has an operation, because of the factors affecting blood and oxygen.

It will be important to know whether he has the trait when he is at the point of having children. If both he and his wife have the trait, then the child could have the full-blown disease. If only one of them has it, then the child could never have the full-blown disease.

If the bio father has the full-blown disease, then the child has a 50% chance that he inherited the gene, but in this case, if the mother does not have the gene, then the child can never have the full-blown disease.

The son's Sickle Cell status can be found out with a simple blood test. Contact with the bio father is completely irrelevant.

The same basic principle is true for cancer, diabetes, blood clots and heart health. There is no need for the child - or the parents - to have contact with OM in order to protect their son's health. They need to control the environmental factors, such as diet and exercise, that increase the risk of those diseases - as we all need to.

If the boy is carrying the full copies of the genes for the full-blown illness - such as with Sickle Cell (or Huntington's; more common amongst Caucasians than Africans), then there is nothing that can be done currently to stop the illness developing, or to cure it.

In a purely medical sense, it does not help a child's health to know that its parent has a disease like Sickle Cell (or Huntington's), because the child needs to know whether he himself has the gene. If he has the gene that leads to the full-blown disease, nothing can be done to stop it developing. If he has only the trait, then the importance is felt at the point of the child having his own children with someone who also has the trait, or disease.

The child should know whether he has a trait, because he might want to take this into account when he chooses a wife with whom to have children. The only way to establish whether he has a trait is to test him; not to ask the bio father about HIS health.

mm; no you don't.

mm,

Neither I nor the previous poster is an expert about what needs to be known about OM's health.

I recommend that you ask your son's doctor about this issue. The question is not whether it would be helpful to know, but whether a doctor needs to know. If he or she says that he needs to know, then you risk threatening your marriage by telling OM that he is the father to get the data; I believe he knows nothing about this now.

How do doctors deal with the health of adopted children - not where full histories are known, but in other cases? How do they cope when the father turns out not to be the bio father, years down the line? How do they cope in those unfortunate cases where the mother does not know who the father is?

Doctors look after the health of people whose histories are not known all the time. How have they done this until now?

.........seriously.

http://www.genetichealth.com/resources_adoptees_and_genetic_information.shtml

MM: I hope your son is also your WH's. I would seriously research and talk to your son's doctor if that is not the case.

Be on the safe side, read. Good points, posters...
I know you will put your son first. Whatever is needed (or not needed).

Onset age and medical hisory have relavance, but do not listen to me, there are many, many articles about this.

Here is one. Good Luck to you.

Barbiecat, what do you mean by "seriously"?

From the article you linked:

"It is also important to know your true ethnic and racial heritage, because some ethnicities are more likely to be affected by certain conditions; for example, Ashkenazi Jews are at higher risk than the general population for breast and possibly colon cancer. Certain genetic disorders that can be screened for at birth, such as G6PD deficiency, are more common in other ethnic groups. Many such diseases can be detected early and result in fewer complications if the physician knows there is a family history, or is aware there may be a reason to do early screening."

If this child is biologically OM's, then the child's ethnic and racial heritage is known. When you tell the doctor about your child's parentage mm, he or she will know to screen for the Sickle Cells trait, and any other common African American diseases for which screening is available.

The article did not say that medical information must be sought where it is not known. It points out, also, that contacting biological parents for information is likely to result in ongoing contact. For some adopted children and parents, contact is fine, but it is not good in an affair/OC situation. You should realise the implication of informing OM of his parentage your son on your marriage mm, and take Dr Harley's advice of NC with OM for any reason, if you and your H are committed to recovering your marriage.

I think MM shouldn't count her chickens before they hatch. The latest DNA tests results are not even known yet. Did you ever get the results of that test MM?

The result is due today, pm.

I was responding to the post above mine today, which I think gave wrong information about the need to contact the bio father (should OM be the bio father).

I agree with the other posters that said there is no need to get medical information from the OM. I am praying that your child is your WH's but if he isn't there is NO reason to contact the OM. There are millions of people in the world that don't know who their parents are and don't have their medical back ground.

As an adopted adult, I managed to make it quite nicely without knowing any medical history about either side of my bio heritage. I didn't baffle doctors or anything. Millions of healthy adopted adults are walking around without the slightest knowledge of whether their bmom had breast cancer or their bdad had heart disease. I do know my bio heritage now (not really what I would have chosen), but it wasn't necessary.

I haven't recieved the results yet but I should by the end work hours today as long as they don't call me again and say the lab needs more time. I agree that with not needing the information the only reason it was brought up was because H did say that he did want to tell DS later on about it, that H is not bio father. That was H choice and I'll stand by what he wants to do but that will come later on when DS can really understand and right now at 4 it's just too young.

Thngs have been going real well today H truly seems like he is wanting to try this time. Not like 2 yrs ago when but honestly willing about trying otherwise H would of never told his job. I'm hoping for the best and giving it my all. I will not give up on my M without on hell of a fight. I'll keep you all informed on how things are going. Thanks for all the advice. Even though you guys didn't like how I handled it (confronting before exposure) I realized that would of done more harm that way. This way I made H stand up and admit what he had done and take responsiblity for his actions.

Your son should be told in an age-appropriate manner, when he is old enough to understand, about his parentage.

That does not imply that you should contact OM EVER, for any reason.

mm, Dr Harley answered an email from a forum member on the Friday 16 July radio show. It is about whether a couple should have contact with the father's OC. This is not your situation, but Dr Harley also talks about contact with OM when the OC belongs to the mother. Please try and listen to it: http://richwith.com/mb/MB_071610.mp3

I hope the link works. If not, please let me know and I will ask someone to post it properly.

The email is addressed about half way through the broadcast.

In his answer, Dr Harley is adamant that, for the sake of the marriage, there should be NC with OM. When the OC belongs to the mother, he says that NC with OM is sometimes not possible because he enforces his right to see the child. In that case, pick-ups and drop-offs must be done through an intermediary, so that the married couple and OM never speak to or see each other. Even so, it is very hard to build a successful recovery with OM in the picture.

In your case, OM (if he is the bio father; I really hope he isn't) does not know about the child and so must never be told. That is the best way of ensuring a successful marital recovery from your affair. Your H needs to understand this. His desire to tell your son the truth about his parentage does not mean that OM should ever be told.

**edit**

Well, results are in and I guess I have to accept it now. DS is in fact an OC. I was praying so hard that the first one was wrong. I really wanted to change the test to say he was but I couldn't do that plus it would be wrong but oh how I wanted to. Now I'm just waiting on the results to my STD test. Should be in by Monday I have an appointment on Thursday to go back in but if they are done hopefully I can just walk in and get them. H still needs to get tested also.

I let myself get my hopes up and it hurts all over again to learn DS isn't my H's. H says he is ok and has come to terms with it but I still don't want to. Is it to much to wish that both labs messed up.

It is, mm. I'm sorry that this is the result.

Since your H still wants his marriage with you, you must use Dr Harley's advice about NC with OM for the rest of your lives. Do not let OM know about this, from you or from anyone else, otherwise he might go to court for visitation.

Have you listened to the radio broadcast yet?

NG, please try to contain your venom, and do not selectively quote me or use fantasy scenarios about visitation with bio dads that are not rooted in reality.

mm's BH decided he wanted to raise this child in 2008, when he found out about the affair and they had the first DNA test. He posted here at that time, and his desire to stay in the marriage was very clear. They had no COM yet, so nobody can say that he had a gun to his head. He knew the high costs of raising a child, and he knew he could take OM to court for CS, and he chose not to, because he accepted Dr Harley's advice that it is essential to keep NC with OM if the couple desires to recover their marriage. Dr Harley advises that since a claim for CS is likely to result in visits, and thus contact with OM, the couple should not ask for CS or let OM know about the child.

mm's BH CHOSE to do take this advice in 2008, with no COM (yet) to influence his decision.

He has the right, of course, to change his mind and ask for CS. However, if he does so, he will no longer be using the MB programme to rebuild his marriage. The marriage stands very little chance of survival if this couple establishes contact with OM.

If this couple now asks for child support, why would OM's lawyers advise him to come to any agreement about the amount? This couple will have to put their claim before a judge, who will decide on the level of CS and the OM rights to visits. The OM is not going to agree to even a reduced level of CS out of honour; he will insist on a judicial ruling. Why would he volunteer to pay, and yet not to see the child?

You, NG, might have issue with "ladies whose infidelities produce OCs", but this board is Marriage Builders, and the only advice given here should be Dr Harley's, not your opinion. If you cannot give mm and her H advice on how to rebuild their marriage (since that is what they both want) with NC from OM, as Dr Harley stipulates, then you should stay off her thread.

I have listened to the radio broadcast and I have no plans to inform the OM at all. The only way I would is if H and I do D then I would consider telling OM because I wouldn't feel right letting H pay CS for a child that isn't bio his. We were talking about later telling OC about OM and then the choice would be his on whether he wanted contact with OM. H says the only thing that he could not deal with is if DS calls OM daddy. H says call him father whatever but not daddy.

A reminder to keep posts helpful and productive to this poster. Let's stay focused on Marriage Builders concepts.

Thank you!

Things have been going good lately between H and I. H is being more affectionate and helpful around the house. H calls and texts me on a regular basis while he is at work. H talked to a ssgt at work who told him about a MC that does more than just listen to them and actually makes them do stuff to help their M which is great.

The only thing that is bothering me is that I keep having these flashes in my head about H and OW together. I keep trying to figure out what she did that I wasn't doing. I mean if it was just the SF than when I started giving him SF than why didn't the A stop? Also why did he kiss her? H always said that kissing was emotional and meant feelings so then why? H said that neither of them was looking for anything more than SF and that they didn't start out kissing because they agreed that it meant more than what they wanted but then decided that since they knew it meant nothing and since they both enjoyed kissing that they started. HUH?
Apparently this isn't the first time OW cheated on OWH she has been "around" with alot of men. That is what H was attracted to a woman who speads her legs for any man who asks. I saw OW the other day when I was visiting H at work, I just wanted to ram her with my van, is that bad?

I need one of those memory wipe thingys from The Men in Black movies. I mean I love my H and what he did was wrong but I want to kill her and not him.

Now I just have all these "whys" that are bothering me. You know the why did this happen, why her, was she better, etc...

mm,

It will take time for your obsessive thinking about this to fade. The affair appears to be over but you have not begun the hard work of recovery yet, and Dr Harley says that recovery from an affair takes between 2 and 5 years. Your marriage now has two affairs to recover from, so you cannot expect to feel normal right away.

You must follow Dr Harley's very precise plan if you want to make sure the affairs never recur. Only after the affair issues are dealt with will you be able to work on your feelings for each other.

I'm stealing this post that MelodyLane made to somebody else here today:

I'm going to try and find HNHN book outta the attic...(all my books are up there from the move) and I also think we got LB too. A "monkey wrench" just got thrown into our recovery process....I can't be mad though because it's not his fault nor would either of us want this. H aunt was given 2 months left (breast cancer), got the news last night and we live in NC and both our families live down in FL. Now H is depressed since we choose not to go down to FL to visit during his last break like we planned due to money. I tried to comfort H last night but he didn't even want to be in the same room with me and then for the first night since D-day H went to bed without me. I know he is upset and I shouldn't take it personal but it hurt that he didn't want me around him. H hasn't had to deal with alot of death on his side of the family his family seems to be mostly healthy (still has his grandparents and just recently lost his great grandmother). I've lost alot of family members even a 10 month old niece, so I actually see his situation as good (knowing upfront so he can say his goodbyes) all my family died suddenly with no warning. I guess I see death different but I wanted to be there for him since I knew he was upset but he just pushed me away.

Then I found a chat room website on his cell phone (mbuzzy.com). I didn't know how to take that. I mean is he still talking to her but using this chat room? H swears that he never went there and that it must of happened while the phone was in his pocket but then there is also A LOT of porno sites also on his phone, again H says it was due to co-workers asking him if he could watch porn on his phone but there are like 3 different sites on there.

Now with H family problems it's hard for me to be upset about things I find because I know he is already going through enough with his aunt dying. Should I just put my issues aside and let H grieve? I'm not sure what to do, this is a difficult situation since H isn't able to get down to FL right now and might not be able to since the military only gives emergency leave for immediate family only.