A couple of days ago, we used the POJA for our Father's day plans. We agreed to visit PIL early then go camping to the beach. This morning DD5 came down with a nasty cough and fever so we had to cancel our plans to go to the beach.

I tell Rizos that if she wants to pay a quick visit to FIL that I could stay to take care of DD5. Rizos tells me that she's staying with us at home. I ask her if she's sure. She replies that she wants to spend father's day with her husband. So far great. Right?

Then I fall sleep. Later, I can hear Rizos on the phone downstairs. For some reason, she typically goes where I can't hear her when talking over the phone with her relatives. That's something that bothers me and she knows it. I don't understand the secretiveness.

So after calls and messages, it seems like Rizos changed her mind about staying. She gets ready while I am half asleep. Then wakes me up to leave food and she's immediately gone.

When Rizos comes back, she asked if I'm OK. She already KNOWS that I am not OK so I don't know why she's asking. I keep my cool and just reply that I am not happy. She immediately storms out of the room.

So how do I feel? I feel relegated. I feel defenseless against people that interfere with our M. I feel that I am being treated with dishonesty.

Above all, I am really tired of constantly having to deal with my growing anger and resentment.

So here we go again back to square zero.

--ElCamino72

Independent behavior. She has not learned to consistently curb her IB. That is the problem. It is a hard thing to learn, ELC. She has to learn how to do this before she drains your lovebank completely.

Can you check with your coach to help her with this?

Hi ML,

Thanks for your immediate response.

Our last two recent coaching sessions have concentrated on IB. S. Harley has been making great efforts to help us in that area. Rizos has homework regarding IB. We've been reading together the IB chapters. Our next coaching session should be by the end of this week.

To me it's very puzzling that Rizos really understands the logic behind the IB concept but struggles badly to remove it from our M.
Rizos can talk in great detail about IB and other MB concepts. She's an extremely intelligent person - holds a degree in mechanical engineering and did very well in college and her career. However, the MB concepts have proved to be quite a challenge when it comes to execution.

My LB$ just goes bankrupt with these IB incidents. I used to widthstand it better but now it hits me a lot harder. I gotta find strength.

--ElCamino72

Rizos has been recently making really big deposits in my LB$ It's like an armored vehicle full of LU coming in. We are working harder in avoiding LU withdrawals. Our LB$ accounts are making gains. What a wonderful feeling!

Our job now is to keep up the progress and build connectedness.

The time for us to move is getting closer. Our plan is to relocate to the DC Metro area in a couple of months. I can't wait.

--ElCamino72

EC,

Just be sure that Rizos is on board with the move. Much easier to do than to undo.

Jes sayin'...

POJA.

ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT...

Mark

Remember this on the downturns, ElC. It has been this good, and if things are bad one day, they can still be this good again.

And be sure to reciprocate!

Okay, I may be the lone voice in this opinion but here goes. I don't understand how this is IB on her part.

You OFFERED to let her go visit her dad. She declined. Was this a sacrifice on her part? (that would be her mistake). She says she wants to spend father's day with you. You fall asleep (that would be your mistake). While you're asleep did she begin to feel resentful that she made a sacrifice to stay home with you and then you fall asleep on her? (her mistake). She decides to go ahead since you're sleeping anyway. She feels guilty when she gets home but doesn't really admit it. You're mad and don't really admit it. (both of your mistakes?)

Am I reading this right?

I don't think this was a true POJA to begin with. I think Rizos probably felt she was making a sacrifice and became resentful when you fell asleep and didn't appreciate her sacrifice. Dr. Harley has a lot to say about this.

Am I just totally off the wall with this? Just tell me to go away if I am.

Hi Mark,

Rizos says that she's enthusiastic about our move. I am taking her word and her actions (looking for a place, schools, etc.) Recently, she even brought to my attention an example from Dr Harley when him and Joyce negotiated moving from CA to MN. This is a topic that I have checked with her many times (perhaps to a fault).

I personally believe that relocation will give us the best chance to R. However, I am more than willing to negotiate a change plans if that is not what she wants.

--ElCamino72

What downturns are you talkin about? C'mon brother don't rain on my parade

Seriously, I know what you mean. That's great advice. I was talking with S. Harley the same thing yesterday.

Certainly, I'll reciprocate.

Thanks
man.

--ElCamino72

@princess

I understand what you mean. Perhaps additional details not included in my post may clarify.

One of the conflicts we've had in the past (previously discussed in this thread) has been with younger SIL. A week before father's day, we had agreed to visit FIL at a time where we could avoid contact with SIL.

On fathers day, Rizos called her father to let him know that we were not going to make it because DD5 fell sick. A little while after that, Rizos gets a couple of text messages from SIL.

I perceived that these messages had the effect of changing her mind and the content was disrespectful to me. I had to find out this on my own and didn't get any feedback of the situation from Rizos other than she unilaterally decided to go.

I felt that she acted independently on the circumstances. Especially on an issue that's well known to be very sensitive for us.

You might be right that me falling sleep was a mistake that she resented. Unfortunately DD5 caught a fever and that threw a monkey wrench in our original agreement. However, I wouldn't have taken any offense if Rizos had woken me up and told me what she wanted.

But I don't want to dwell in our past mistakes. Just recently, we have made good progress in the use of the POJA with the help of S Harley and folks here (thanks to MelodyLane, the phrase "crazy POJA" has turned into a popular saying in our household ). For example, last week we dealt with a similar situation where the outcome was positive. I have to say that, in this case, we handled it in a way that made me feel much safer.

I welcome your thoughts since that may help me to see other perspectives. That is what so great about this forum.

Thanks

--ElCamino72

Hey, El C; I heard it through the grapevine that your reciprocation needs to be turned up a notch, or adjusted a bit. Hang in there; it isn't easy to learn what all you need to do. But you can learn it.

Hi markos,

That's valuable info. I really appreciate the heads up. I'll make adjustments.

The last couple of weeks have been a little bitter sweet. On one side Rizos and I are making solid progress. This is creating a very positive feeling that's bringing us closer. On the other side, my situation of having to work as a consultant in OM's company is increasingly becoming unbearable.

Just a few days ago about 10 people were fired from the company I used to co-own with OM. This included a good friend of mine who was suddenly fired. I recruited this guy a few years ago. He left a good job at a fortune 100 company and took a pay cut to come to work with me. He just had a new baby a week ago. I feel terrible about this guy with a newborn and no job in this economy.

All this fallout is out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it. I still have a couple of months in my consulting contract. We're looking for a way out this mess. Hopefully we can move sooner.

I know that me and Rizos can overcome all this. We have the tools. Our M will be stronger than ever.

Thanks

--ElCamino72

The last few days have been rough. I feel conflicted because we�ve made significant advances in several areas but at the same time there are lingering issues that are still getting in the way of our R. I don�t understand well why my tolerance to these issues is very low right now. Additionally, I�ve been feeling depressed (visited my psychiatrist a few days ago to adjust medication) and I am constantly battling with getting myself out of withdrawal.

The other day was the first anniversary of D-Day. It�s hard to forget the dark times following D-Day. However, those moments are somewhat removed from my current reality so these memories are something I can manage. The way I have to look at it is that having survived the first year is a great sign that we can make it.

Our challenges are more related to current situations.

The condition at work in OM�s company continues to be difficult. Tomorrow we�re off to VA for a week to make arrangements for our relocation. Last Friday I received a call implying legal action if I wasn�t present for a project during that week. The intimidation attempt sent me through the roof. It�s inevitable that the problems with the company fallout to cause LUs withdrawal from both of our LB$s. There�s a little over a month left in my contract so the situation should get better soon. I still feel for the people who have lost their jobs and have been affected by the ordeal but that situation is beyond our control.

My other major grievance is that SIL is still trying to interfere with our M. Just recently, she texted Rizos this gem: �[�] I don�t agree with your decision since REAL love must have NO conditions. [�] I�m still going to be your sister and I�ll be here unconditionally [...]�. I take this message as a direct attack to our M. This �unconditional love� crap is coming from somebody living in an affairage � makes me sick. Wrong can�t be right. There�s no middle ground. I feel unprotected when people are allowed to get between us and then I am expected to compromise to safeguard their feelings. I mean, how can I POJA getting LBed?

I am hoping that our relocation will put distance between our M and these problems. I can be content with us making a better situation for us by separating from these problems. OTOH, we need to keep in mind that time and distance alone are not a solution. We still have a lot of hard work ahead of us.

Comments and/or suggestions are welcomed.

--ElCamino72

I think you are triggering because you are nearing the day you will be completely out of the business. Not that you want to be partners with the OM.

That you got screw with the PA and then got screwed again with the way you had to sell the business.

It seems that the OM will be out of business within one year. Keep us posted on that if you ever hear anything.

There's a lot of triggering related to the way that I'm leaving the business. The main one is every time I run into OM. I can't trust myself much longer to avoid smashing this POS. A few times I have stared him down and said a few non-amicable words to him. He won't even look me in the eye and always runs away like the coward he is.

I know, I shouldn't be stupid enough to get in trouble just to kick the crap out of this cockroach. I just try to get a lot of this aggression out of me by working out like a maniac and with some really intense sparring sessions in my MMA/jiu-jitsu training. A good side effect is that my physical fitness and fight game is as good as it's ever been. Even better than when I was in the Army in my early twenties.

There's been a couple of sad situations with my co-workers. On Friday a group of folks wanted to make a get together to say goodbye. They've been insisting a lot to have a little party for me "to cheer me up". I declined the offer to avoid being LBed with the triggers of the conversations that will sure come up. These are people who've been in the trenches with me in so many battles. Blowing off my guys is very hard for me to do.

The company just had its worst year ever since it was created 10 years ago. Never before there were lay offs. Motivation is at its lowest and the really good people are looking to leave. The business only reached 13% of sales forecast this quarter. That's from a company that in every previous quarter had double digit growth. This is a big concern because the company still owes us a seven figure amount which is due as annual payments over the next four years.

Another concern is that now I have to look for a new job in the area we're planning to move. This means that I have to get up from my recent slip into depression. So I must find the strength. It isn't easy but I've done it before and I can do it again.

--ElCamino72

I am done.� We rented our house and I decided to leave on my own.� There isn't anything good left for me to give.� I am completely drained.� Time to shift my focus to personal recovery and to get my self confidence back.

It's overwhelmently sad. Not what I had planned but I gave it all.

I appreciate the support.

--ElCamino72

WTH?

EC, just when you wife is starting to GET IT, you are done and walking away...

Sometimes you just can't go on anymore.

Only ElC knows his limits.

I understand. I've taken way too many blows. Need to protect myself. The IB problem is more than I bargained.

I didn't go into the fight thinking that I'd go out this way. Nobody wins. Just gotta recognize when enough is enough.

--ElCamino72

ELcamino, I figured you were at the bottom when Rizos told me you asked for divorce.

Do you have the strength to ride this out? You are almost at a place where you don't have to ever see the OM again. You are almost out of there.

In my own recovery, I hit a very bad place around the 9 month mark where the shock wore off and FURY set in. I asked myself why I was settling for such a loser, a low cheating man who was not worthy of me.

I learned later this was the climax of recovery because after this short phase I went into a very peaceful period that led to some real recovery and a great degree of happiness.

Are you at the 9-10 month mark?