@maritalbliss
Because I'm a child, conflict avoider, wanted her to make the choice and not be forced, ... take your pick.

@Vibrissa
No. No children, no house, one car.

@SusieQ
Thanks. We're done. God help him if I caught something. He will die for that. I'm getting checked next week.

Obr - I understand you are upset. Understandably so.

Please try to restrain yourself. This man is not worth winding up in prison for. You've already lost control once with the car. Don't ruin your life by ending someone else's. Don't even jest about it.

I'd suggest you look into some therapy or anger management to help you get through this terrible time, perhaps some medication would help.

I know this is rough.

As there are no children and you are young - maybe moving on IS what is best for you. Reconciliation IS possible, but you have every right to say it isn't for you.

I'd just hate to see you ruin your life for your wife's stupid mistake.

Take care of yourself.

@Vibrissa

I'm on medication. I've got a week to calm down. I won't hurt him, but emotionally, every fiber of my being is screaming it. God only knows how many marriages he's broken up so far.

Yeah, ruin my life. I've got a lot to look forward to right? Divorced, nearly 30, dating women that mostly have children, nearly all of the decent ones already married, the rest dog ugly, fat, or generally unpleasant. Not that I don't like kids, but I've never been sure that I ever want to make that step, let alone right off the bat. I suck so hard at dating too. The only place anyone my age and single hangs out at is bars... Jesus Christ.

The pain I feel now won't completely die. I have death to look forwards to, that's about it. I'll wait it out, until God takes me.

obr,

You are scaring me. Are you OK? Are you feeling suicidal? If so, please call your DR immediately

I'm not suicidal. Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt myself. I only meant that the only thing I look forward to is death.

Hello Obr.. You doing OK today? I am going through the exact thing your going through right now. Life sucks really bad right now but we need to hang in there.

I'm doing better. Tylenol PM put me to sleep last night. I was pretty exhausted yesterday and sent a really sarcastic/angry email to all of my wife's friends that supported her during the affair. I shouldn't be allowed near computers when I'm tired.

My wife is still acting all turned around right now. Lots of "I'll pray for you" and "turn to God" business. One week out from sleeping with a dirtbag. I hope the best for her and that she does turn things around, but right now I wouldn't be surprised if this was all a ploy to fool everyone and let her continue her other life.

I'm not cut out for this mess. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat lamdown2010 :-(

It does seem like your WW is living another life. My WW is doing the same thing. It hurt me so much when I found out she slept with an ex-con, drug addict, bisexual, alcoholic POS!! I still have hope that she will snap out of her fantasy. I also have hope that your WW will get off her "Girls Gone Wild" crap and come back to reality.

Obr, when you get back home, keep that gun away from you. I gave mine to my dad when this all first started happening with me and my WW. Emotions run high and it is a real rollercoaster ride. I am not a violent or stupid person just like I'm sure you're not. We still need to take precautions though. Having a gun around can lead to bad things if emotions take over.

@lamdown2010

Man, that's awful. I'm sorry :-(

I gave my brother my gun. Knew it was bad to have around. I wasn't really worried about me using it.

I'm actually about to skip town for a while if I can get things together. I fly home tomorrow, will try to lay low for a week, then bolt. I'm actually getting quiet excited at the prospect. Bought $1,000 worth of gear to for my motorcycle, got a packing list together. I'm going to take something from the OM on my way out too. Completely legal too :-)

A friend said it won't make me feel any better, but I think he underestimates me. I want to do something that will make him think twice the next time he targets a married woman. Something he definitely won't forget. His world needs a little shaking.

What are you going to do to shake up his world? I really want to know so I can get some ideas. This guy has done this before and he is now breaking up my 20 yr marriage with 3 kids. He is a certifiable POS.

@lamdown2010
Well, I was going to send a letter to several key persons at his company. Then post flyers on all the employee vehicles exposing him for what he is. Amazingly enough, he bragged to so many people about sleeping with my wife that the department heads found out and fired him.

I've tediously constructed a list of every family that shares his last name within 300 miles. I'm going to be sending a letter to each of them, again exposing him and warning them that he may come after their wives.

I'm going to put roadside signs up at his home and every 1/8th of a mile from his home leading to the main highway.

He has a website now that is the first result when searching for his name and the city we're in. All true and free from anything that would nail me with slander and libel.

------------

On a separate note, my wife is still acting like she wants to work on us. I can't make heads or tails of the situation. At this point I'd be more surprised to find out that she's not lying to me about something. She's moving 2 hours away and looking for a new job. In the meantime she's been living at her sister's home.

She's either completely nuts, still lying, or honestly sorry right now. I have no idea which. I've been on a bit of a self-destructive course at times. Not being able to sleep without aid hasn't helped. She claims that she's going to prove that she's trustworthy again. I've been telling people that she won't make it more than a few weeks before she reverts back to the affair and/or lifestyle she'd fallen into.

I've not filed. Planning on waiting until I'm settled and sleeping again. I wonder at times if reconciliation is possible. For now, I don't want that. From what Harley says, she could never live in the same city as this guy without running back to him. How jacked up is that?

The thought of them together is sickening. I hate that man on a level I didn't know I could reach.

If the dirt bag spread his deed over the country, no wonder your wife is embarrassed.

He performed the exposure for you.

What does your wife want from you. Does her social life continue?

Hello obr3,

Well, you do what you want, but you seem to be ignoring any of the good and reasonable advice here, and keep coming back with your retaliatory measures. I can understand your feelings of wanting to turn this guy on his head. However, your mission at this time is not to save the world from this guy, but to work on yourself and attempt to save your M. You seem to be more interested in punishing this OM, rather than improving yourself and guiding your WW back to your M. Keying cars, posting signs, sending a mass mailing to probably hundreds of people who don't know the OM or your WW, or could care less, won't accomplish anything except land you in jail! Bolting from your home and your WW after you attempt to do these things will only show her that she IS entitled to a more secure and more rational partner.

Right now you need to back off, read and listen to the people here, and realize that destroying a rattlesnake with a bazooka is not a good idea.

Good luck.
Tom

Actually what is happening right now is exactly what happened in my marriage.

It is amazing how cold a WW is in a marriage when her husband is sitting back and taking the abuse. When you think about it in her mind why shouldn't she sleep with the OM? She probably thought my H loves me so much he will take me back no matter what.

My XW did the same thing. She was entitled to sleep with the OM but she lied about everything. Her attitude changed when I gave her plan FU just as obr3 WW attitude has changed.

When a woman is having an affair and she thinks she has a fall back guy "H" waiting no matter what well lets just say she has no incentive to not cheat.

Of course I just don't think a man should take back a wife that sleeps with another man. I think men should protect themselves. There are too many bad things that can happen although in this case there are no children to worry about and assets.

Obr3 I know how this hurts. When I found out my wife slept with the dirt bag it was the worst day of my life. Start living your life again.

My XW was cold and lied when I caught her because she knew if she slept with the guy I was divorcing her. She did not know I had video of them in my bedroom and until I showed her that she still lied. When I moved on filed for divorce she begged me to take her back. That woman never begged me for anything in 20 years of marriage. At least in your case you found out earlier.

I am so sorry for what has happened. Gosh this sucks.

I've calmed down some at this point. My wife and I have spoken quiet a bit. She's still saying she wants to stay in the marriage, but is scared because our problems may continue.

She's moving two hours away today and has a job interview tomorrow. I don't know what I want beyond doing the Hokey Pokey on the OM's grave one day. I sincerely miss my wife from before all this mess, but much like IHadEnough, am jadded by being the fall back guy while she went out to get what she wanted despite our marriage or my imperfect efforts. Now she comes at me with this born-again sounding attitude.

I nearly slept with someone a couple of weeks ago just out of spite or self-hatred or revenge; I'm not sure which. Like I said, I've calmed down since then and am taking precautions to keep anything like that from happening again until this marriage is resolved.

At any rate, she sounds like the wife I used to know. She's been screened for some STDs and is waiting to hear back on others. She's doing an accountability log. She's cut off contact with friends that I thought were destructive. She finally read the Surviving an Affair book that she'd refused to pick up before. She's doing all of the stuff that she should have done months ago when I first found out.

The past week has felt transitional for me. I'm in a gray area and have agreed to counseling. The counseling I hope will in the least expose the source of our problems so that together or separate, we can avoid them in the future. Though she's now living 2 hours away, so I'm debating the MB telephone counseling.

When the bottom fell out completely and I discovered that the recovery was a sham, I planned entirely on filing. A long business trip delayed my actions. Now I only want to make the right choice. I'm scared of both paths. If she's finally snapped out of it and we can prevent this from ever happening again, I'd forever regret not trying. If we reconcile and it happens again, I'm going to go 100% mental, divorce asap, and likely develop a crippling trust issue for the rest of my life. God help us if kids are involved at that point.

Everyone everywhere now knows what happened, we're separated, I've recently come back into control of my emotions, I know I failed to heed some of the MB advice I received early on, and I don't know what to do. Friends and family don't know what to say. In an attempt to clear my head further, I'm trying to arrange a lengthy working vacation in which I can motorcycle around the southern states for a while and work remotely a few days a week. Otherwise, I'm just existing and trying to get help on conflict avoidance.

What do you want? In an ideal world where anything is possible, what is it you want?

If it is a happy marriage with the woman you once loved, Marriage Builders can give you that.

I really hope you will make that call.

Most other counseling has the potential of being very damaging and wasting your time & $$.

We have coached with Jen and Steve and also talked to Dr H (on his radio show) and each time they have given ME (?maybe considered the reluctant one?) hope...while at the same time steering my H in the right direction. Things have progressively gotten better over the last 3 years and I am glad I stuck w/it, so I can't recommend the Harleys enough.

I have also heard that if they think that you need to prepare to move to Plan B/D, they won't hesitate to tell that either.

You need a plan instead of just being lead by your emotions.

I really hope you will make that call...

In a world of all possibilities, I want a faithful and loving wife. I'm a bit shaken up right now as I just found something.

I finally got a good keylogger installed before loosing physical access. All I know, as of this afternoon, is that she Google searched for an email address with her name in it that I've never seen before and that she started a Private Browsing session and looked up the OM's profile and one of his relative's profiles on facebook last Sat for about 2-3 minutes.

That isn't good news.

That isn't surprising to me in the least. A wayward in the early stages especially needs a lot of accountability and a PLAN for recovering the M. The addictive nature of affairs is such that if you just leave a wayward alone, they will most likely not be able to adhere to NC on their own.

You need to decide if you want to work on R or not at this point. If you want to R, then you need to spend as much time as possible with your W, let her know she will be accountable for her actions and get a plan going with the Harleys.

Or you can just continue in Plan Confusion.

You need to make a decision. Soon.

Is recovery really possible? Is this really to be treated like substance addiction?

I've gotten to the point that if we can truly recover, I'd do it. But I need HER back. Not a wife teetering on the edge of fidelity. My hesitation is whether she's really all here, you know what I mean? It's hard, really really hard, to know that the love of your life is attached to another, disregarding your trust and marriage in the process. Especially after everyone knows and it was already taken as far as possible.

What would you do if you were me? I've ranted like a moron for a while on this forum. I've screwed up a lot along the way. You know my story. Can she ever turn her love fully towards me? Or will I be chasing down emails and chats for the rest of my life? Or worse, has she developed a propensity for infidelity?

She's moving 2 hours away as we speak. We're NOT going to be spending time together in this arrangement. If this is an addiction however, the answer must be that we get counseling and move far from the OM, right? If we're supposed to be spending time together.