Been away for a bit..WH destroyed my crackberry and just got a new one today. I almost don't know where to start...
Thought that things may be slowly getting better, but they are worse than I ever imagined. It started with the dog...WH took on this dog (cute, lovable, sweet mini-dachshund) that I didn't think he should take anyway because he's not been doing so well at taking care of himself, much less an animal. In the back of my mind, I knew I would end up with this dog. I like him, but I didn't want him.
WH came to my house Saturday night after I got off work, stayed about half an hour and left the dog with me. I had asked him if he wanted to stay awhile, but he got agitated and said it was "too much pressure". So, he left. After he left, I got to thinking about it..I'm getting really tired of having to live with the consequences of his decisions! So, I decided to take this sweet little thing back to him and tell him that I would not be taking responsibility for his care.
Guess where I found him? Yep, at the POSOW's house. I knocked on the door and gave him the dog and all the food, etc. I had bought for the dog. Told him to go straight to he77 and never come around me again. I then left (saw neither hide nor hair of POSOW).
I had no sooner got out of her driveway, and she was texting me all kinds of nasty stuff and said that I should just go somewhere and die because she was 7 weeks pregnant! I came back home all the while thinking "this is it..I am done!". About 15 minutes later, WH shows up at my house. I told him several times to leave and never come back..that I no longer wanted him in my life. Showed him the texts from POSOW and he confirmed that she is indeed pregnant. One thing led to another, and somehow all this became my fault. I threatened to call police if he did not leave so he threw my phone and destroyed it. He then turned on me. He shoved me and my head hit the door frame and busted (blood everywhere). I will now be sporting a black eye for the next two weeks or so, but the swelling has went down enough for me to see out of it. He dragged me down the hallway and basically bruised me from one end of my body to the other by grabbing and shoving me around. I finally got away and ran outside. He followed me and got in his truck and left. I later discovered that he had cleaned out my wallet before he left (all the money I had period).
I went to the neighbor's and called DS20 who immediately came home from a camping trip and called police. (I confess I did not want to..just wanted it all to be over.) Police came, took one look at me and told me it was out of my hands: they were legally obligated to obtain a warrant whether I gave a statement or not.
WH took off on the run, but came back yesterday and turned himself in today. He will probably get out this evening and will have to pay a fine and go to some type of counseling program.
He called and left two remorseful voicemails last night - I have not talked with him..don't know if I want to. Says he is so sorry and he loves me and wants me to be his wife. He called my neighbor because he couldn't get in touch with me. Told her he wanted to make sure I was "ok". (Really??!) Basically told her he would do anything, POSOW is "probably" not going to keep the baby and that he was going to turn himself in today.
So here I sit, battered and bruised, alone and humiliated (neighbors had to see cops here) and wondering what the helicopter to do next. I am strangely calm (maybe it hasn't sunk in yet?) But, I am not sure what to do now..do I listen to what he has to say or close the book and move on?

Physical abuse, on top of impregnating a POSOW, and you're wondering if you should stick around?

Please, please don't.

A condition of his bond will be to stay far far away from you. No contact. Enjoy it. When you feel like you might want to see him, go look at your cuts and bruises. If he calls, call the police. He will be desperate, and you need the protection.

Redzgirl,

Oh my gosh, I am sooo sorry this happened to you, it is terrible! I am sure you are traumatized, have you contacted a counselor or battered women's group?

I don't think it is a good idea to get back together with WH...next time will be worse, broken bones or who knows?

I hope someone will advise you that may have experience with this...

Praying for you,

ba

RG,

OMG, would you want this man around your KIDS?

What would you advise someone who told you a similar story?

Take him back only on the condition that he is handcuffed 24/7 and you get a pit bull completely loyal to you.

God Bless
Gamma

Redz, waitaminute:

By your own account,
he's cheated on you;
he's knocked up the other woman;
he's not broken it off with her;
he's destroyed your property;
he's stolen from you;
he's beat you up;
he's expecting you to sit at home, give him cigarette money, raise his daughter & take care of his dog while he porks the other chick;
and you really can't decide whether you want to move on?

Really?
Do you not see how nuts that is?
Do you not watch TV? This man is starring in an episode of "COPS", and he is treating you worse than he treats his ho'.

I'm sorry. Usually I try to find something encouraging & practical to say. But there are wayward husbands who, deep down inside, give a d*mn, and those who don't. The question for you is, are you willing to risk getting beaten up, impoverished, or killed while you hope for him to start giving a d*mn? Are you willing to risk your sons' lives in similar fashion? Do you not think it will be tremendously damaging for them for the rest of their lives to "learn" by observing you that it is OK for a man to treat his significant other this way?

He called. Saying he's sorry over and over and telling me how much he loves me and how wrong he was. Taking responsibility..not asking for anything from me. Just to say he's sorry and he loves me. I'm not even thinking about taking him back..not making ANY major decisions right now..just wondered if I should hear him out. What if he does change..works program..does everything he can to prove to me..what then?
I'm just hurt and confused and wanted some thoughts. Can it get this bad and get better (over time)? Never been here before..and, as crazy as it sounds, I do love him. He is my husband..he's just not been acting like it. What if MY husband comes back?
And I'm not raising his daughter..her mother does that.

You'll hear talk. Talk is cheap.

How's your eye?

He can't love you properly until he respects you first. You oughtta at least respect yourself enough to insist upon that. Right now, you don't.

THAT'S kinda what I'm gettin at...maybe I'm just having a hard time putting it into words. I know not NOW..I'm too hurt and confused to do anything right now. I'm smart enough to know that my head is screwed up and so is his. I guess what I'm asking is IF he did all the things he needs to do (respect, MB, NC, POJA, etc.), IF it came to that..has anybody ever recovered a marriage from a situation as bad as this? Is there any hope left (over lots and lots of time)?

But what are the chances of that? Just based on what I read here, I would immediately take out a restraining order on him and file for divorce. Move on since he is a crummy excuse for a man. Think about this. He came over, beat you up, and essentially threatened your life because you returned his dog to him and told him not to contact you again. He is mentally imbalanced and a danger to your life. Why wait and hope that he will fix himself when there are plenty of good men out there that don't need fixing.

Yup. I think the best way forward is pretty clear in this situation.

redzgirl-

I have a sister and a very dear, life-long friend who have both experienced domestic violence in their M.

The "I'm sorry, I'll do whatever it takes, I love you..." is part of the pattern. It's the "remorse" part. It often comes after there are consequences (black eyes-blood in the house-emergency room visits-kids getting involved-police intervention).

Then there is the "honeymoon" period. This is when everything is "fine", when the abuser is "looking into getting help" or saying whatever needs to be said to make everything "okay" .

It is ALWAYS followed by more anger, posturing (verbal abuse and threats, throwing things and making movements that are intimidating) and then physical violence by the batterer.

It's called a "cycle of abuse" for a reason.

Don't listen to him. Call the local shelter for women and talk to a counselor there who can help you understand this and protect yourself. Please do this...and don't contact your WH for any reason.

What he did is his to own and whatever happens, it's his consequence to face. (He will try to convince you that somehow you "made" him do what he did. That's also part of the pattern).

Please...you don't want to know how much worse it can get. I've been there with my loved ones. It's horrible...

There is never any excuse for any abuse of any kind. WALK AWAY.

redzgirl, where were your children when this was going on?

It is not healthy and don't endanger yourself

It was abuse

Has this happened before

don't hear him out...shut him out. Total dark..

Redz - before you think of talking to him, get yourself to a women/children in crisis center and talk with a qualified domestic violence counselor.

This was beyond just a little "shoving around" because he got a little angry. This was outright losing control and you are lucky to be alive.

Talk with them and work on your own personal recovery, say for at least 30 to 60 days before you see or talk with him.

And then, if you still feel like his words mean diddly, make it another 30 days while you clean your heart and mind from the addiction you have to the fantasy of what he "could be" because a man who can beat you up like that certainly is not and does not choose to be that man. The next time he raises his voice or you cross him in any way, when he has that "expression" on his face, you will relive that uncertainty of your safety and with each day you stay in a relationship with him, you will become weaker and weaker.

Do not disarm yourself of your current power by staying connected to him

Plan B without a letter and get an intermediary to filter. Change your phone number. Close your email or block him. Close your facebook after exposing why. Do not allow him the luxury of his acts not being known to everyone who loves you or cares about you, let alone cares about him.

Without a shadow of a doubt, get out of that relationship. Forever.
You would be giving your children the worst possible example of what a M is by accepting him back.
I see this man is 35, there is no way he will change.
Block him out of your life so that you can heal physically and emotionally.
Start Plan D.

Redzgirl, please listen. My daughter was involved with the father of her children for four years. The abuse started about the 2nd year they were together and escalated. He would be remorseful and loving and then bam it would happen again. It got to the point she had no self-esteem left and was full of shame. She never told ANYONE what was going on. It wasn't until that final day when he choked her and she passed out. She woke up laying on the floor and finally got the courage to run with only the clothes on her back. Oh, and this was all in front of their 15 month old son. Guess what? He was remorseful and then he got angry because she wouldn't respond to his pleas as in the past.

She immediately went to the police and got a protective order. He went to jail and was held on a $10,000 bond for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon (his hands).

This won't get better. It happened once, it'll happen again, especially if he thinks he can get away with it. Please don't back down on the charges.

You are worth more than a man who thinks nothing of hurting women as long as he has an excuse... I was angry!

There is NO excuse for this. NONE.

Redz:

I also agree with all the other posters.

I run an organization that OWNS a shelter.

Maybe this was the "first Time" he went this far.

But it will NOT be the last.

He is like a puppy dog now. Remorseful and sweet. How could you NOT love him. It is an act. It IS the "Cycle of violence"

You should advise POSOW to avoid him as well.

IF he gets clean, IF he does all the right things, IF he stays sober, straight, and gerts rid of the OW, Maybe, you might have something worth having.

But speak to a abuse counsler. It may be required, anyway. And listen to them. No contact with him until his sentence, his program, or his probation are complete. He is not worthy of YOU unitl AFTER all this. Make sure he does it FIRST. Allowing him in before is an invitation to him to skate by, and not DO the work. And then next time, when he is "angry" with you, he will beat you again...

If he did this to someone else out on the street, the police would have him locked up, and he would be facing much more serious charges, but this was his WIFE....

Remember that. If you were reading about a man who did this to someone else (not his wife) in the paper, the charges would be MUCH more.

No Contact till he has done the work, and if he doesn't do the work, then you you be better off.

LG

Like the others said, please please PLEASE go see an abuse counselor. I'm sure they are confidential, and perhaps you can speak with others that have been in your situation to get a better perspective.

The bold part is my emphasis. First MB is not enough in this situation. You are now dealing with an abuser and a user. He beat you and took all of your money. He would need anger management on top of any other changes he would have to make before you should even consider R. On top of all of the obvious...the affair, the abuse, the dumping of the dog on you, taking your money...is a possible OC. I recommend your D him and never look back. He is not marriage material and I can almost guarentee you the OW is not going to abort her meal ticket (oops OC), they rarely do. The OC will become her tool of choice to manipulate both of you, especially your WH. OC will be HIS excuse to never go NC. You will live a nightmare of epic proportions and that isn't including the abuse.

Please don't consider R with him.

redzgirl, you KNOW I was rooting for you but I agree with the others (especially this last post by FF).

BTW, I want you to consider that you have entered the "dark side" of Plan A where you are so focused on getting your H to recommit to the M that you aren't seeing the big picture anymore. I was even thinking this before on your original thread when you ignored my last two posts to you.

Please let us know what is going on. I am worried about you.