Hi Kree, thanks for your response. I have a question for you though, does he talk to you? is he meeting your ENs? I mean it has only been 3 months for me but I feel like he is not trying hard enough and as difficult a time as I am going through right now I feel that HE should be doing more and I am not feeling it and I am wondering if anyone out there thinks that he should join this site, I don't know if he would even if I suggest it but I am looking for input as to whether there are any foreseeable problems with me suggesting it

I am not sure if I should be starting a new thread here? but I am sure the MB brigade will let me know. I am having a problem with my counsellor(a psychiatrist) so I want to know if the problem is me. First let me say that she is counseling both myself and my H-separately. Well at my last session we were discussing my rages, which for the most part (not all the time) is triggered by my discovery of a lie my H has told me, so, the first thing I was asked (told???) was did I know that my rages prevent conversation, so I said of course I know that but my rages are not voluntary, and therein ensued an argument between us, essentially what she is saying is that I have control over my emotions, she is not denying my right to be angry but I should control the rage and use that moment to ask him why he lied, deal with my anger later. I told her that she seems to be suggesting my rages are something I can control and I don't see that, I am a person who has always been very careful at not allowing other people to see how much they have or an hurt me, so believe me if I could control this, now would be the best time. She basically said that his lies should not be causing me to go into a rage because by this tie I already know that he is a liar so it should not come as a great surprise. Am I crazy or is there something wrong with her handling of this? is the problem that she is seeing both of us?

teaser,

We are about the same age, and our husbands are, too. We've also been married about as long.

My H had an affair about 5 years ago. It was with a woman that I thought was a friend.

They had sex in my home.

The A did not last as long as your WH's did, but long enough.


They both deny sleeping in my bed. Didn't matter. I refused to sleep in the bed, and gave it away. Bought a beautiful new bed, and my H paid for it. He did not complain, and he better not - ever.

Because she sat on the living room furniture and at my kitchen table, I gave away all that furniture, too. I have all new furniture. My H paid for all of it. He did not complain.

Better not.

I remodeled one bathroom, because I know she used it. No complaints. Better not be any.

I remodeled a bedroom, changed out the furniture. No complaints.

Currently working on another bedroom. Not a single complaint. Nope.

Moved all of my office stuff out of his office, bought new office furniture for myself, and again, not any complaints. ooooohhh - nooooo.

His office is the NEXT ROOM to be remodeled. I plan to erase every bit of OW stench from this place.

He knows that he cannot complain.


I purged his computer, too. I sat right there in front of him, searched for anything with her name or photo on it, and deleted it. I went through his files and trashed stuff. I searched his office in front of him, and you would have thought the FBI hired me. He was furious, but I told him that this was MY HOUSE, and I didn't want that OW's ooze on anything around me. And that if HE wanted it there, he could take it with him when he LEFT.

He chose not to do that. He wanted to recover the marriage, and chose to understand that I had a right to be about as angry as I was. Probably more angry than that.

I also called the other woman, and told her that if she ever came within my eyesight I would beat the living s%$t out of her, and that she had better not come near me, my family, or any of my friends ever again for the rest of her life. She said she was friends with some of my friends - and I told her that she just lost anyone who knew me, because I would expose her entire world to them if she dared come near any of them.

She hasn't darkened anyone's door. In fact, she dropped of the planet in my circle of friends. For a short time, folks said, "Has anyone see Skankazon?" And I said, "No." That's it. Nobody asks anymore.

I see her from time to time. She runs away like a cockroach when the light is turned on. As she should.



Your mood swings are NORMAL. Your anger is normal. Your feelings are normal. Your pain is normal. Your desire to hear the truth and have your questions answered are normal.


Your husband is risking your marriage by wanting to sweep this under the rug and "move on" without addressing it thoroughly.

He needs to get with the program.

Have you had him do the emotional needs questionnaire?
Has he read anything about affairs? Get a couple of books -

Surviving an Affair
After the Affair


My H actually liked After the Affair. He said it helped him understand my feelings better.


SB

aaaaah SB, thank you so much for your response, your situation is the only one that I have seen that is close to mine in facts. Unfortunately, where I live is a small place she works at the airport, last time I came through she made quite a show of herself to be noticed, I succeeded in ignoring her. No I have not had him do anything with MB this has been MY place of refuge but in another post I am asking if I should suggest it to him. We are supposed to have a talk today and my intent is to explain to him that despite the fact that he is saying that he wants to work on the marriage I don't believe that he i doing all that he can and the problem for me with that is that I am losing interest in trying to work on the marriage. See, I am in counseling right now with the hope that I can get to a point where I can decide whether or not I want to work on the marriage, I am simply not there yet. When I broke into his e mail I found out about more than one affair, I also found out how he was talking about me to his friend and brother, like referring to the day I was returning back home after a 2 and a half year absence as "the most cruel day of his life" . I feel like I have been stomped on and I am nothing but a grain of sand for others to walk over me. There is so much more to this story that one of my employees suggested that I write a book.

teaser, his lying is triggering your rages, so the main solution is for him to stop lying. The longer you tolerate this, the worse the rages will get.

That being said, you can control your rages. We go insane when we go into rages and it helps nothing.


I am not sure what there is to "converse" about when you catch him lying, though. What does she want you to discuss?

The solution is for your H to stop lying, NOT to get used it. What is he doing about the lying?

Melody-the first question I have to ask is please please tell me how to control the rage because many times when its happening I feel like I am having an out of body experience, one half of my brain is saying stop this! you are going to hurt yourself, but somehow the other part of my brain does not listen.

I agree with you that the solution is for him to stop the lying, what is driving me crazy is that there seems to be a pattern here, I have a rage, take my med, get calm we talk, he apologizes says that he wont do it again, then he does it again and I am asking how can you be saying that you want to work on the marriage and rebuild trust and in the middle of all this you lie? how is that rebuilding trust? then he says, well I did not want you to go into a rage, our DD asked him but Daddy can't you see that it is the LIES that makes her go into the rage? so then he promises to stop, until the next time...

What is he doing about the lying? being very careful about how he answers so that he can't be held accountable for lying, so now his answers are, I don't remember, it just happened or I don't know.
What the hell......

Here is another aspect of the story, the other night we were having a family discussion and DD25 was trying to ask him what was he talking about with OW 4-5 times a day, after procrastinating he finally says we talked a lot about whats going on on our jobs but you notice I don't ask your mother those things anymore(this is what I refer to as his "poor me attitude") I got angry-no rage, just ticked off. Let me explain-I am the head of a department that investigates money laundering cases. I had to sign a confidentiality agreement before taking this job. My boss is the prime minister of this country. New Year's eve night of 2009 I raided a business in what to date is the biggest case my country has see, we were at a New Years party and I was constantly on the phone so at 2:20 am I told my husband that it was best that we go home; when going through his e mail I saw an e mail he wrote to OW at 2:33 am telling her all the details of my case. So,I was forced to tell my boss the sordid details of my personal life to explain what happened and how it happened so that it would not come back to haunt me, but now I know that I cannot confide in him anything related to my job. TRUST is out the window.

The question is-is this a marriage that can be saved or am I kidding myself and should just move on?????

When you feel it coming on, you CHOOSE to STOP and leave the room. You don't allow yourself to say or do anything until the feeling passes. After a while you will retrain your brain to stop reacting in this way.

You do have the ability to control your rages.


Well, he is not serious about your marriage and doesn't care about his abusive behavior.

It can't be saved as long as he refuses to change. Dishonesty is a very destructive lovebuster that is bound to wipe out any remaining love you have for him. Along with the fact that you can't trust him out of your sight.

This is no accident. Your WH knows what he is doing with this. He's deliberately pushing your buttons by lying, because he KNOWS that will infuriate you. Then he sits back and gets to be the poor little victim of his horrible insane wife, which is good for him because victims have no consequences.

Your counselor is an idiot, by the way. You are furious because your husband is lying and cheating. You SHOULD be furious as such a threat to your family. As Melody said, the solution is for your husband to stop lying and cheating, NOT for you to learn to tolerate it without getting angry.

Sheesh.

Please look at this MB threads as soon as you have time:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954172&page=1

and most important, do a Google search for "passive-aggressive spouse". You will see exactly what you're dealing with.

teaser!! You will not "get past" this for YEARS. I just reread this and I am shocked that you think you should be past this in 4 months. OH NO. I am sorry to tell you, friend, that you are looking at YEARS. What happened here is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child. This is not going away overnight.

I did not realize you were so new to this.

Please consider going through the Marriage Builders online course before you give up. It may very well be that the Harleys can turn your husband around. If you sign up for hte online course, they assign you a coach and Dr Harley oversees your case. If your H was practicing dishonesty, Dr Harley would have a come to Jesus with him and shut that down real quick. That way you wouldn't have to be the bad guy. It is just a fabulous program that makes an enormous difference.

Go look at it here

So I guess I really need some guidance, what should my next step be? should I suggest he join MB?

Melody-thanks I will do just that

We are supposed to "talk" this afternoon, I am not sure how that will go. I am just tired.

Mulan, I will do that right now-thanks. If this marage goes to pot it wont be because I did nor try.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{teaser}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I so hope you try the Marriage Builders course. It would make a world of difference if you had Dr Harley and a marriage builders coach work on him.

And please don't think you can get over this in 4 months. My word! This is a very traumatic event. You are being way too hard on yourself.

Sigh
Here is the thing, when we had our discussion the other night He says to me that he can't believe that at this point I am not able to give him even a glimmer as to whether I want to work on the marriage, I was appalled at this because as I told him you have had so many years of cheating and now you expect me to come up with a decision in 4 months, and to my surprise even DD felt I should be able to say by now which way I am leaning towards.
I promise I will do the MB course, just waiting till after we talk, is this course for both of us? cause I have to tell you that at this point I have no faith in my present counselor

Yes, the course is for both of you. And maybe Dr Harley can even help you decide what to do.

You know something I was reading someone else's thread and I saw some definitions there, my H would be defined as a freeloader!!!