when you go to Plan B, you do not reduce contact with WH, you cut off direct contact altogether, including by phone, text and email. You must arrange for someone to be your email intermediary, passing urgent messages about the children between you, filtering them first for unwanted comments from him. You need to have an intermediary to handle the pickups and drop off with the children. Perhaps he can p/u and d/o from the childminder/nanny? You must not see or speak to H on those occasions, and you should try not to let him use the house while you go out. Plan B is really a taste of his life without you should you divorce, so you must not meet his ENs at all. Plan B also involves a secure living arrangement and finance for you - including a bank account that H has no access to. For the BS, plan B protects them from further abuse by the WS continuing the A and rubbing the BS's nose in it.
The worse Plan B is one where the details are not watertight in advance, and you have to break it to deal with an issue that comes up.
Usually when the affair ends, they want to come back. Most affairs end in under 2 years and when that happens, the WS tries to come back.
Remember, when a BS goes into a Plan B, they want to leave the WS with as many loving moments as they can. You want WH to remember just how wonderful and loving CherryAnn is. Even when he didn't deserve it.

plan b 101 (old thread, some links are broken)

when to call it quits

FredinVA PBL

Affair statistics

There is a thread somewhere with a heap of plan B letter samples, but I havent been able to find it.

Plan B calls for a complete blackout on the WS. Sometimes, not knowing what the WS is doing is almost as bad as knowing. However in the long run, Plan B is a sanity saver.

Thanks guys

I wrote out the letter and delivered it to him this morning before he left for work. I spoke to my Mum last night and she agreed to be the IM for me. I said in the letter that our arrangements for the kids (50/50) would still be exactly the same only he would have to pick the kids up from my place instead (that way I can get the kids ready and waiting in front of my house, then walk inside when I see him come up the driveway).

All I did this morning was hand him the letter and gave him a kiss on the cheek and left. Feeling like a bundle of emotions right now. On one hand I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I no longer have to worry whether he is telling me the truth or not, because I no longer have to talk to him. On the other hand, I have never known H to be decisive and go after what he wants, he sits back and lets whatever happens happen. I�m scared that that could be the last time I�ll ever kiss him. I guess its up to him now...

I definitely intend to carry out complete no contact with him. I have blocked his email addresses from my email, I am getting my cell no. changed today. Unfortunately I don't have anyone that I can use to drop the kids off so the only solution I could come up with is for him to pick them up and I will go into the house as soon as I see him coming. He does not have a key to my place and I will not be answering the door if he comes knocking.

My Mum is going to pass on any emails or text messages that she gets from him. I've told him thats who to speak to if he needs to speak about the kids or the house. I don't know whether he will still go ahead with the house sale, we had a real estate agent in yesterday to give an appraisal and a second appointment with him tomorrow to discuss. If H sends me papers to put it on the market, I will sign them and he can deal with it.

I already have separate bank accounts and finances so that is taken care of. I think anything else that arises can be dealt with through the IM or even my solicitor if it comes to it.

Does your mum know what's involved in being an effective intermediary?

Intermediary Training School

Just had my first Plan B test - H stood on doorstep for about 40min, knocking on door every 5min. I saw him coming up the drive and locked the door and drew all the curtains. Guess he knows I'm serious now! He sent two text msgs but I deleted them without reading them. Got my friend to txt him and advise that his msgs would not be read nor replied to and he is to speak to my Mum as per the letter.

He will be back in about 4hours to pick kids up though. Will have them ready and waiting...

Also I had to go to the bank yesterday and get my name taken off the joint account so I can't see his bank account anymore. i looked in there yesterday morning and saw that he took her to the movies! The night after I gave him Plan B letter! Argh, no more knowing of that thank goodness

Thanks for that link, that's really useful

Well...unfortunately a repeat performance when he picked the kids up. This time he was getting increasingly aggressive and started yelling for me to open the door. My mum txtd him and asked him to leave but got a pretty aggressive reply back.

He then rang my parents and spoke to my Dad. He told my Dad that about an hour ago he sent a FB message to my mum, sister, aunt and 3 close friends of mine telling them that he has decided to end his affair as of now and that we are going to rebuild our marriage...but no proof offered. He told my Dad that he had actually ended it weeks ago (Yeah, that's why OW has been staying over at least once a week for last few weeks).

I was thinking that I will send my mum an email to pass on just reiterating the list of requirements in the PB letter (NC letter, quit job etc)? Or not bother??

CherryAnn

you are being so brave, go girl! Your husband is acting exactly the same as mine and it is horrible. You can already tell he is hating it by the aggressive ringing. I wouldn't worry about the cinema thing, ofcourse he will go running to her if heccant have you. Like mine, your husband is still in the fog and sooner or later he is going to see the OW for what she is, someone prepared to break up a family.

On other bit of advice go get yourself gorgeous, I know it's a bit superficial but worked wonders for me. Get yourself a funky sexy haircut, some new clothes you don't have to spend much so everytime he sees you you look great.

Good luck cherry the fog will lift soon.

Hitch

CherryAnn,
Just read through your story and I think you are right on track with your decisions, you know yourself what that addiction feels like and unless you force his hand to make the decision to end things with the OM you and he can never work on your marriage......
It sounds like he is feeling the reality of his decisions and he doesn't like that you are not letting him have both women in his life to fill his needs.....
I agree be the best you you can be.......live well and let him see what he is going to give up by keeping the OW in his life......
You have both made mistakes and you both can work at a better marriage, but this can never happen with a third party in the picture.....
Stick to the no contact and show him this is unacceptable to you and if this is what he choses in his life that you are out and moving on without him.....
I know this is tough for you but hang in there, keep your thoughts on the long term bigger picture here.........
((hugs)))

This is getting really tough. He showed up for a third time last night at 11pm and brought the kids around and tried to get me to open the door and take them. He stayed for about 10mins then left again but left me a screaming voice message.

He has been bombarding my parents with messages and is now saying that he is going to move all his belongings out of the house and stop paying the mortgage because I won't speak to him to sort things out. In his words: "She does not have the right to cheat on me for all that time then dictate these terms."

Help?

Well, I broke Plan B and I am kicking myself.

I went over there to check on the kids because I was worried about whether he was out of control. The kids were fine and he was reasonably calm but just angry. He just thinks that I have no right to ask him to quit his job because I had an affair first. It does not register with him at all that it was his decision to get involved with his employee.

I reiterated what I said in the Plan B letter that he needs to write a no contact letter and he needs to hand in his resignation to his job. He has already agreed to the marriage counselling and giving me access to his phone etc, its just those two that are the sticking point. I told him again that if he can do that, I will do everything in my power to make the relationship work and give 110% effort to making him happy.

His main issue seems to be that he is ashamed of saying that he is going to be with me. Because pretty much everyone knows that I had an affair and because he's managed to convince everyone that his affair was infact a legitimate "relationship", he says that everyone will think he is crazy to try again with me.

Ok, well I'm picking myself and starting again. NO MORE CONTACT WITH HIM.

So, how many hours did you make it into plan B?

Don't' beat yourself up too bad, everyone makes errors.

This action tho is concerning to me because you saught him out. It seems the minute he took his drama away, you ran right over there (using kids an an excuse) to see him.

Disclaimer: I have never done a PB. If you read other threads (Scotlands comes to mind) you can see an effective PB in action.

So, his reason for not "taking you back" is because he has villanized you to everyone who will listen and now does not want to appear that he is eating his words?
That he has convinced people this OW is the REAL "one"? Now he is going to look the fool for going home to his W aand kids?

sheesh. THAT should be the least of his concerns. This seems to be a childlish roadblock (ego) for a very serious matter. I think this is a clear sign that he is NOT ready to come home at this point. Taking him back with this attitude is dangerous.

Today was Day 4 of Plan B, so yeah kind of an early break. I know, I panicked and caved in. As I was warned, one really hard part of Plan B is not knowing what is going on and I am someone that thrives on information. I'm being resolute now though, not giving in to him and his childish tantrums.

You're right, his attitude is the thing that is concerning me. He says he has broken up with her and is willing to eventually to do the things in the PB letter but he is just resentful towards me and refuses to take responsibility for his own actions.

Please don't beat yourself up Cherry, your only human you know.


Just wanted to share something with you that might help you see past this. My Husband said exactly the same thing to me I put this in my thread. When I spoke to Steve Harley about what my Husband had said in the counselling session, he told me that when a man is in love with his wife, it won't really matter too much what they think. This is so true, at the time I saw that as a barrier but it is just 'fog' talk.

It is all about how you react and correspond with him, and behave in a respectful, calm way. JL put a lot of useful stuff in my thread and we have a lot in common in our situation. It might help you to read some of it, it certainly helped me and things are starting to progress with my Husband.


Look after yourself.

Hitch

I just got a draft NC letter from H...

Not happy with it I have to say, but it is at least a NC letter...

Here it is:

Hi OW,

Thanks for your text today but I think what I have to say will no doubt change your feelings.

You knew that I have been restless and have been looking for work elsewhere, well I have been looking at jobs in [other city] mainly; with the intention of moving there with the kids. Obviously this will involve [CherryAnn] moving there too, to continue on with her degree.


I need to move on from [current city] and give my family chance. Do not know if this will work but I have to give it a try, you know how important my kids are to me, and you know about my feelings about family values.


I will be indicating to [my boss] this week that I will be leaving as soon as I get a job lined up in [other city].

I realise how this will make you feel, that you and your friends were right all along that I�d go back to her. She has promised to make an effort like never before, and hopefully we can find something that we lost a long time ago, or possibly never even had, and if we fail then at least we tried.

In order for her to start to rebuild trust in me I need to have no contact with you what so ever � which I imagine won�t be too hard for you now you�ve read this.

I am sorry how things have turned out, and believe me that it wasn�t all lies.

Take care of yourself

H

He's also sent me a draft resignation letter..

Thanks Hitch, I have been following your thread too and a lot of it applies to my situation as well so its been really helpful.

I know deep down that its just fog talk. Part of me wants to react by spelling out to all of his friends and family that his behaviour has been just as bad - but I know that won't get me anywhere. Reacting calmly and respectfully is a work in progress, but I have been improving quickly. I know that it will make the difference in the long run.

Hi CherryAnn,
I have been wondering how it was going for you this weekend.

Dont be too hard on yourself, it sounds as if it had some benefit, even if not as we would recommend.Also the vilifying of the BS is actually really typical behaviour by the WS, 2.5 years later and I am still sometimes wonder what things have been said and not yet corrected, we just deal with them as they arise. Anyway, your H is choosing to be with you, not OW.

I cannot say I like the NC letter, but it is what it is. Often it seems as tho the WS writes something that leaves the teeniest little hole for them to wiggle back if things dont work the way they want. This letter doesnt have so much as a teeny hole as a great gaping rent.

If you feel he is willing to work on the relationship, then great. What are your plans for making a NEW marriage for you and WH? (that is both of you, not one spouse doing all the work)Are you planning on doing counselling with the Harley's, or buying the DVD, or at least making reading of SAA, HNHN and or love busters a huge focus? I ask because I know from experience that if there isnt a plan in place for recovery, the recovery is prone to becoming a false recovery and it bites!

Recovery is really hard - harder than plan A and plan B. Also recovery means that your now in plan A for life, as is WH. Would he be interested in coming on the forums for help? Could be good for a crash course in MB for him.

My email is in my sigline, feel free to contact me if you want to know what I did in my recovery. Oh yeah, well done for what seems to be a four day plan B. I was feeling chuffed about my 16 days, but you beat me

LD;

Have you ever heard of a BS helping with some edits to a no contact letter? Totaly wrong?

I see problems with this, so it is prolly wrong.

Yeah, I was wondering that myself...the BS is supposed to "approve" the letter? I really don't like it...

I don't want to be pushy or controlling about it, but I'd like it to be more closed door. The part about "it wasn't all lies" makes me want to

The resignation letter isn't much better, it pretty much blames me for him leaving the job, but I'm not as bothered about that.

This is what is concerning me at the moment - how to make a recovery plan and does he really want to work on the marriage? His words in those letters show so much resentment toward me. He still feels entitled to his "affair" because I had one, he still doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions - everything is still my fault.

Do I take him back with that attitude?? The Plan B letter I gave him said the first requirement was "you must WANT to work on the marriage". I don't think it is what he wants but is what he is prepared to go along with.(My parents impression is that his motivation is mainly financial, he will be better off with me).

He wants to me to go over there tonight and start discussing plans again. I would like us to try and ring the Harley's but I'm not sure if we can afford it - then again I'm not sure if we can afford not to! I've been thinking about going to an ordinary marriage counsellor but from what I've been reading on the forums, that could be a very bad idea...

I will try and send him to the forums though, I think that would be good for him to have an outlet and get some advice.