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On Friday night I e-mailed WH and OW copies of the various Law suits that have already been processed by my Attorney against both OW and WH.
They Include:
Civil Suit against WH to Account for the money withdrawn from the Bond Account as we signed a Contract in 1989, that this was a Joint Ownership.
Therefore he has taken this money without my knowledge, discussing it with me, or my permission
This is Breaking our Legal Contract
AGAIN
He has broken our marriage vows :
In sickness and in health
Adultery
A Civil Suit against OW for Alienation of Affection between WH & myself and breaking up our marriage of 25 years, leaving me (disabled) and 2 dependent sons
Advising WH to contact **edit*** Police Station, so that they may serve him with the Protection and Restraining Order against me, my sons and our house staff.
Also to sign over his Firearm
He also has to, with immediate effect, re-instate my credit card, in order to run the house costs, until the Interim Maintenance Settlement can be done.
We are applying to the Courts through Section 43 of the Maintenance Act, next week. 
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johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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I've just got back from the Police Station.
I met with the Inspector who 'handles' Domestic Violence etc.
He has asked me to call him at 2.00pm to confirm WH has been served.
Here is an extract of an e-mail I sent this morning to WH's bosses wife.
Hi (Edit)
Sorry, I meant to add.
OW H has listened to the recordings & taken a copy.
He�s devastated & really needs support. I�ve been on the phone to him several times a day, every day, but I really think he needs more than me & his family.
If you find it in your heart, please be there for him � he didn�t & doesn�t deserve this.
Neither do I or the boys, but I have a strong network of friends & family & I�ve had a few more days to get to grips with it.
I think you know me well enough to know, I�m not a drug addict or mentally unstable & that I�ve always worked for my family�s well being.
You have also seen me at conferences & know that I have always behaved & represented (Edit) with the utmost decorum.
Thank you � in anticipation of your help
(Edit)
Dear (Edit)
I need to send this to you, just between us, so you know the history.
I feel like I�ve fallen head 1st into a �black hole�.
I keep saying to my friends � Ok, tomorrow I�ll wake up & this will all have been a nightmare.
Then each day as I find out more & more, I say � Ok, nothing more can surprise me - & I find more horrific information.
All I can say is, Thanks Heavens I found out & could act so quickly while they were together on a �business� trip to (Edit), (Edit). � They landed 5.00am Friday 30th July in (Edit).
The Protection Order from the Court still has to be served and I will call (Edit) Police Station just now, & ask them to serve him at work.
He will only be allowed onto the property to get his things (which as your read, is not much) under Police Escort
WH hasn�t called the boys since he left on Friday morning & his last comment to (Edit) was
�So, I�ve been kicked out. I suppose I�ll have to go and find somewhere to live now�
He immediately drove to OW�s new address (which he paid for) & has been there ever since.(2days)
The final straw, so to speak, was when I put Voice Activated Recorders in the office, where he had been staying since last Tuesday 20th July.
And I put them there to prove to myself I was wrong.
I went to (Edit) on Thursday (29th July) afternoon, explained to the sales lady why I needed them. She set the Date/ Time etc and loaded the batteries. I hadn�t told anyone, including the boys.
I went down to the office around 4.30pm and put 1 under his bed & 1 behind his chair in the lounge.
It started recording AS he arrived back from work at around 10.30pm
He was on a call to OW. The 1st few minutes was general chit chat, and then he started saying what �he would like to do with her � sexually�
When I went & collected the recorders on Friday late morning, I calculated the time from when to listen to.
Well you can imagine what happened when I heard.
I almost feinted.
I couldn�t get my breath, my heart was racing, in fact it�s still doing all of that. I feel as if someone has shot me across my belly with an AK47.
I called WH, who was in a Board meeting, & played �the bit� to him. He said he couldn�t hear & would speak to me later.
Well later, was 10.30pm drunk.
He threatened to drive his car through the gates (I had padlocked them)
He told me that �this would now become ugly�
I was a drug addict, mentally unstable and emotional and our GP would support him
He would get ME kicked out the house, and take ME for everything I have.
But I wouldn�t open the locks.
I told him to go & stay with his girlfriend
He said � I don�t have 1, where am I supposed to sleep, I have to cycle tomorrow
So he drove away & the 1st thing he did was phone OW to ask if he could go & stay there.
The friend where OW was staying refused & I believe he did spend the night at a hotel.
He came here on Saturday morning & was very angry, but all I did was open the office gate & gave him a remote. He came & went all of Saturday, completely ignoring me. Each time he walked past the house, from the garage to the office, he would whistle a tune and have a smile on his face. But, I had arranged a guard from the night & when I was walking around with him, showing him what to do, WH asked why I had him.
He then left for the airport on Sunday morning, without even calling the boys to tell them or say goodbye, or even when he would be getting back.
I have told my sons Everything, & they have listened to the tapes( which they chose to do, after I had expressly warned them I didn�t think it was a good idea)
They have read every e-mail, read the Law Suits from the Attorneys.
I have made copies of every important document and they have put their own copies in a �safe place�.
They are:
My new Will
Cancellation of WH's Special Power of Attorney on my accounts
My change of beneficiaries on my Life Policies
The new Family Trust
The Property Deeds
My ANC Marriage contract
Copies of WH�s Bank Statements, showing the Money Withdrawals
So now, as you saw, I�ve copied the 2 e-mails to everyone in my address book, including their bosses and International Delegates that they meet with at the Conferences.
I am researching the (Edit) law for cases where a settlement has been issued on a divorce for a disabled spouse.
But I�m really tired, worn down & weigh 50kgs. So my 1st priority this week is to try & sort my health out to be strong for my sons.
But, Thank you for your support, friends like you have helped me keep it together, because I�m not sure if I would have made it on my own.
I�ll be in touch when I�m a little stronger.
My love and Thanks
Dragonfire
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Dragonfire, It seems like your doing well on paper. How are you holding up otherwise? Has your WS or the OW contacted you back after the intial emails? Any word from the company as to what is going on? How is the OWH? How are your sons?
RL
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Hi - Yes, you're right the paperwork seems to be in order - I hope
How am I holding up - by a thread
I've just had a 'what the ...' moment & have gone from being OK to a sobbing wreck.
My MS is really active, I feel like I'm walking on the deck of a small boat in 5meter waves. Also massive muscles spasms.
My Trainer was here this morning & he's horrified how much strength I've lost in a week. So I've been given a list of what to do, to start rebuilding
My horses are insane with lack of work.
NO-ONE has made contact with me.
The only person I've seen is the Police Inspector, who's trying to serve the protection order.
My son's & I've had HUGE support from my friends after receiving the e-mails I sent (as above), for which I'm so greatful.
OW's H went around this morning to try & trace the exact address & took the names of the Realtors. I will call him later.
So right now, I'm in limbo land.
Last edited by DragonFire; 08/02/10 09:10 AM.
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You are doing good. Keep taking care of yourself. This will be a draining and emotional roller coaster ride, but you can do it.
I know it seems amazing and crazy but your husband is about par for the course around here. Think of him like a drug addict. Nothing matters to him - not you, not your kids, not your financial security or future. All that matters is her. She is heroin to him. He is completely destroying his life and he doesn't even see it. Like a drug addict there's not much you can do but let him hit rock bottom - and drag you down with him unless you let him go.
Is there a way you can take a vacation from the madness? You've been amazing getting everything in order and filing to protect yourself. Is there anyway you can take your boys on a day trip somewhere relaxing?
Stay strong. You are amazing.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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My boys & I went to the Circus de soleil yesterday.
for 2 1/2 hours, we laughed, clapped & had a fabulous time. It was great.
But today's Monday & the boys are back at school & university, so all the emotions are hitting me.
I just wish I knew what will happen next.
What happened at 'their' work today
How are they going to respond.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home, not knowing if I'll be safe going to the shops.
I'll call the GPS company & see if they can tell me where his car is, but what will that help
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Guess where his car is - their love nest.
And he got there by 5.00pm - didn't manage to get to 'our' house at that time of the day & we live 30 kilometers closer to his office, than the 'new' place.
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Dragon - I know you're not there yet, but for your own health, and as this is progressing to a D you should consider a Dark Plan B.
Plan B is to protect you from the craziness and toxicity of a Wayward spouse (were you trying to save this marriage it can also preserve your love for him - but I don't think that is where we're at).
The basics of Plan B are that you have complete No Contact with your husband. You select an Intermediary to filter any communication between the two. The IM transmits just the basics and eliminates any vitriol. You work on building your own life in Plan B - without your spouse. You cut him out. You work to stop thinking about him, looking him up, finding out where he is, how he is doing, etc.
This is for your own piece of mind.
This man is toxic and abusive. All of his actions will hurt you. You need to protect yourself from them. I know you are feeling physically unsafe from him right now. Do you have any family or girlfriends who would be willing to stay with you for a little while - couple of weeks even? Just so if you go out you're not alone.
But after a point you're going to need to disconnect from him. Checking his whereabouts will only serve to hurt you more.
I'll see if I can find some information on Plan B for you. Since you are pursuing a D, you need to take care of yourself.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Here is a write up Mark did on Plan B. Typically a Plan B is done after Plan A (in which you demonstrate you can be a good spouse) in an attempt to end the affair and salvage the marriage. So that aspect probably wont apply to you. However the Basics of Plan B: disconnecting from your Wayward Spouse to protect yourself will apply. Plan B: What it is and what it is not. Plan B is NOT leaving your home and letting your wayward spouse continue the affair unabated without any sort of efforts to break the affair first. This means that leaving your home in anger or at the request of your wayward spouse upon discovery of the affair or after confrontation over the affair will not be Plan B and will not allow for a very useful Plan A. Plan B is NOT calling your lawyer and filing for divorce out of frustration and then calling the cops when he or she refuses to leave. It isn�t throwing the cheater out in the cold to punish him or her. Plan B is NOT moving down the hall to the spare bedroom and letting your spouse have his or her affair partner over for a sleep-over while you stay out of the way and stay quiet. Plan B is NOT a way to make the cheater�s life hell on Earth. Plan B is NOT the first salvo in divorce proceedings unless your spouse decides to make the first step and file when you pull the trigger on Plan B. Plan B, like Plan A is a PLAN. It is something you do and not something that happens to you. It is an action and not a reaction. Plan B is NOT something that will make your spouse suddenly realize that the world is about to end and cause him or her to fall at your feet and beg you to let them back into your life and if they do that you need to realize that it is also not supposed to be so that you can drive them away because you are tired of sealing with this crap.
Plan B is not for any reason related to the affair beyond one single point. It is designed to let the betrayed spouse have a life with some sense of normalcy built into it, heal the raw emotions of having been cheated on and allow time for the affair to come to an end before deciding to go ahead and divorce. It protects YOU from the wayward spouse and the pain he or she is causing YOU. This from the good doctor on the reason for Plan B and the duration of Plan A: Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"
My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.
If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. If your spouse leaves or you do at the beginning of Plan B, realize that it is a high risk venture with a low probability of high reward. It is the last chance to save enough to try to recover when the affair ends, which statistically it will do within a couple of years. Your spouse might not miss you at all, especially at first, but the better you made Plan A demonstrate your ability to be the spouse of his or her dreams the more likely it is to have that affect. It MIGHT push things toward a speedy end of the affair and a repentant spouse seeking reconciliation but you can�t enter Plan B expecting that to happen by some near future date. Plan B can last till the cheater seeks to return or until you have given the affair enough time to become typical or an anomaly that might last forever. Two years is long enough. If the affair hasn�t imploded by then, it might end any day or could last for years. At that point it is time to decide what to do but if you have been in a dark Plan B and have not been love busted daily for two years and have experienced your own withdrawal from your still wayward spouse, by that time you should be able to make an informed decision regarding your future without having to do it reactively and based entirely on raw emotions. IF your spouse decides to return home and end the affair and seek restoration of your relationship, then you will get to try your hand at recovery and rebuilding the marriage while fixing whatever was wrong with it before the affair began. For advice for that scenario, we�ll address it when the time comes. Just understand that you can only fix the marriage if you are married and can only fix it if you have enough to give to the effort. Plan A shows the wayward what might be possible and Plan B allows you to see what might be possible for you. Neither one has anything to do with fixing the marriage. You can only fix it if you save it. If you try to fix it while it is falling apart, you won�t save it and will have nothing left to fix. If you divorce over being hurt because you let the drama of the affair go on past your ability to deal with it, you will not be able to fix it because it will be gone. A good, intense, full throttle Plan A, with nothing held back, using both the carrot and the stick to make the marriage a better choice than the affair makes recovery a possibility. A poorly executed or misdirected Plan A or one that continues longer than you can actually do it will result in not saving your marriage. So a hard and fast Plan A, followed by a dark Plan B that can last until you can figure out if the affair is going to end is your best bet to save your marriage and get a chance at recovery. Nothing is a sure bet, so if you are looking for guarantees, I can only give you one�I guarantee that if you do a haphazard Plan A, or use only the carrot side of Plan A or try to do Plan A until you hate your wayward spouse and fail to save enough to get through Plan B intact in your care and love for him or her, you stand almost no chance at all of recovering your marriage. Make the marriage a better option by meeting Emotional Needs and getting rid of Love Busters while at the same time making the affair as difficult to continue as possible by using the stick and every weapon at your disposal to fight against the affair itself and not merely fight with your spouse about the affair. If it isn�t working and you know you are doing it right, be ready to drop the Plan B bomb and get away from the madness before it consumes you and whatever love you have left. Others can help you write a Plan B letter when the time is right. There are examples here that can be of help to you, but it is not your final farewell and good riddance letter or a Dear John or Dear Jane letter telling your spouse goodbye forever. It is a love letter explaining that you desire to be married to them but your love will not let you share them with another person and that you must stop having anything to do with him or her until such time as the affair has ended. It should tell them who your intermediary is and how to contact you in case of life or death emergencies or for problems with planned parental visitation with the children. It should probably include directions that allow for a path home if and when they are ready to end the affair and recommit to the marriage and any specific requirements you might have to enter into such an endeavor. If you get to Plan B, let it be your quiet time, your reflection time, a time for you to learn, to grow and to become the strongest person you can become. If Plan B ends in a return of your spouse you will need all of that and more and you will need to have enough left in your Love Bank to even care�My thanks to those who gave me input along the way and to Mel for advice and assistance with editing this diatribe.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Thanks Vibrissa
I really need all the help I can get (Dark Plan B).
I have a guard 24/7 & ALL my neighbours are on alert.
The Police have given me the Station Commanders direct mobile number.
I have already decided on NO CONTACT & I've just been on the phone to his cousin. He called her today & confirmed everything is true.
I haven't heard from their company & only had a 'read receipt' that they have received the Law Suits against both of them.
I am now following the 'Legal' Route & everything will go via the Attorneys/Courts
It's just these awful 'moments' that get me
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Dragonfire, what are your long term goals for your marriage? Do you want to try and save your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know.
I don't know if I can even look him in the face.
One personality quirk I have is:
I cannot tolerate lying or cheating
I never have been able to & my WH knows that.
He has seen it with me, time & time again in our personal lives & in my business.
Tell me the truth & let me deal with it.
And he didn't
He has also scared me with his threats. I've never been frightened before (for my life)
I have never been Physically disabled before & not had the strength to defend myself. I walk with a crutch, have limited feeling on my right side & almost no muscle strength. I have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. I am 49 years old
What would you suggest
I am also SO disgusted at what I heard on the VAC, about his sexually 'desires', I don't know if I could ever respect him again
Last edited by DragonFire; 08/02/10 03:06 PM.
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DF, my suggestion would be to not throw away your marriage while you are under duress. Good people become insane while under the influence of an affair. But it is possible to change. We have many former waywards on this forum who have turned their lives around. Your H can do this too.
See, his affair is doomed. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years and the 5% of those that do make it to marriage, 85% are divorced within 5 years. So his affair is doomed.
Your marriage, on the other hand, CAN recover from this affair.
So my suggestion is to slow down here and extend an olive branch to him. Let him know that if he ended his affair you would consider reconciliation. This does not mean that you have to agree to anything now, but you need to leave a good taste in his mouth BEFORE you go dark in Plan B.
If you don't, you will just be essentially throwing him into the arms of the OW and making the decision to leave his marriage an easy one. By extending an olive branch you will cause confusion in your H's mind and conflict in the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML - I fully agree with you that this marriage can recover. However, how much should a woman in DF's position do?
Due to the fact that MS is exacerbated by stress - should she do a Plan A?
Should she do a Plan B letter?
Should she put herself through unrepentant wayward fog and hostility?
What does an olive branch look like?
Should she put herself through the pain and duress of recovery at the expense of her health? I hear you all say all the time that recovery is hardest of all.
I agree that the best resolution would be for the marriage to be saved. But I think DFs health should be a real factor here. Exactly what should her course of action be? I am asking in sincerity, Mel, because I don't know MB as well as you and others.
Sorry DF I hope I don't offend you with my questions. I'm just worried about your health.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Vibrissa, I would go about 2 weeks TOPS. And if he is hostile and threatening then go to Plan B immediately.
BUT...just jumping to Plan B immediately hands the OW an enormous victory and makes the chances of future reconciliation less feasible. If she shuts that door now then he will never look or question his decision. If she leaves that door open and offers him a safe place to land in the future, it will cause him to rethink his strategy.
If the last thing on his mind is a hostile, angry wife, that only serves to a) cement his current destructive path and b) make the SKANK look good in contrast.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What does an olive branch look like? Mine would look about 3 ft. long, 4 in. thick, sharpened to a point, and flailing. However, that's not necessarily the MB way, so I'm not going to be dogmatic about it...  What is the wild card here is the MS, and I think that every other decision has to be weighed against its effect on the disease process. It's entirely possible that DF would be physically unable to cope with the enormous stress of recovery. Her illness was already at least temporarily exacerbated, in the last week, or so by dealing with the initial discovery and fallout. Since recovery can take years, even with a repentant, humble, compensating spouse (not characteristics with which, at least so far, Mr. DF seems overly endowed), could her body take the strain? MS can be completely incapacitating, crippling. Even now, 40+ years after Student Nurse tl took care of my first MS patient, there is a limit to what medicine can do. Staving off the physical deterioration is essential, since once it's occurred there's really no going "back." She should, at the very least, discuss it with whatever physician monitors her MS, and deal frankly with the results of long-term stress on her disease. tl
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I agree that recovery that can be very stressful, HOWEVER, divorce is just as stressful, IF NOT MORE.
Whatever she decides, she should not make any decision about that NOW while she is under duress. She may decide in a year that she wants to save her marriage. That is her prerogative.
She loses nothing by doing a damn good 2 week Plan A before she slams that door. [unless he is abusive, then it is straight to Plan B] Then she can take her sweet time deciding which way she wants to go. But if she slams the door NOW, she has ONE option: divorce. She may decide in the future that she wants TWO options.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dragonfire-
You have done an amazing job of protecting yourself financially, legally and, from physical threats. Now you need to protect your physical health from the stress this is adding to your condition. Now is not the time to make any big decisions. I can't begin to understand what it is like to be in your shoes, but while I was going through separation and divorce, I was also going through chemotherapy for breast cancer.
During that time, I would not talk about divorce, child support, division of property etc. I let my then WH know that I didn't have the energy and we (the kids and I) just needed to get through this without any added stress. Plus, I knew with my chemo addled brain that I couldn't make any decent decisions. I couldn't even finish sentences to form complete thoughts!
Stay in Plan B (total blackout-NC etc) and just concentrate on your own health.
I will be praying for you.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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Dragonfire, I agree you should go into Plan B, but don't do it until you have done a very short Plan A. Shutting the door NOW will only leave him with the memory of you throwing him out, which reduces the chances of reconciliation if you ever choose that route.
Do a good Plan A BEFORE you go dark. Be strategic..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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