IMVHO?

I'm not ok with the excuse that it was just sex, no. I know there had to be something there otherwise it wouldn't of happend more than once. I'm not stupid and if my H is the type of guy that can have sex without any feelings than I think that is worse overall since that means he is really able to got cheat each and every time we have any sort of problems. So I don't buy that excuse not really.

IMVHO=In My Very Humble Opinion

Are you going to call the professionals so they can give you the advice? I know that there have been previous examples of people reconciling after an affair, but continued contact occurred between the APs and the affair reignited only more intense. The WS would leave the BS for the AP. We don't want you to go through that. Also, when a recovery has begun and the affair continues, which is most likely what will happen in this case, it is called a false recovery and they do more damage to the marriage than the DDay from th affair itself. Around here, everyone tries to keep anyone from dealing with a false recovery. Too many and YOU won't want to continue the marriage.

I understand that all of you are only trying to help me and I do truly appreciate it. I in no way mean to seem like I am not listening to you all. I am just weighing all of my options. I want my M to work, very much so. However because of H situation and since H can't just up and quit his job and it's not up to him on whether he can tranfer or not we are really waiting on the higher ups to make a freaking decision on whether they will approve his transfer request or not. In the military you really dont get much of a choice on where you go. I know personally since I was in myself. So i understand that it's not H choice to stay there and that he has talked to who he should to get transferred and it's up in the air right now on whether that will happen. Plus like I was saying before even if H told all the details on why we were requesting the transfer (I've seen it happen before) it doesn't mean they will transfer him either but just bust him down and then in 2 yrs not allow him to reenlist which just hurt this family. He'll still be forced to work with OW until it's his time up to leave in a yr. That is why we are trying to do it this way.

It could work out though even with some sort of C right? I mean if there truly isn't any feelings at least on H part and he truly wants this M to work. It's possible.

Oh and we have a MC appointment finally set.

NO IT IS NOT POSSIBLE.

HOW MANY TIMES MUST WE SAY IT TO YOU.

NO CONTACT FOR LIFE! RELAPSE IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE.

/cough drop

If you want to go against what DrH has found to be the ONLY small path to recovery,then good luck. The NC rule is IMPORTANT. I see that you would rather have your WH have a career in the end then to ensure the best possibility of recovering your marriage. That is your choice to make.

DrH has stated that he has seen WH's leave their "recovered" marriages after 5 years of perceived happiness and move in with their OW. That is WITH DrH's help. Most likely due to continued contact, even "innocent." I am sorry. I am VERY strong minded about this because I "knew" that there was a relationship with my WH's OW 2 YEARS before I KNEW FOR SURE. I was gaslighted and had I DEMANDED that my WH quit his job and not contact OW anymore, he most likely wouldn't have continued and escalated his affair to the point where he has been living with OW for almost 8 months and I am a single mother to our 2 sons.

NO JOB IS WORTH YOUR MARRIAGE. Your WH can work at McDonalds as long as you guys are in a committed and recovered marriage. The choice is yours. I can only take so much of banging my head against the wall until I end up with a headache.

Read other people's threads. See that the advice is ALWAYS the same. read people's threads who HAVE recovered their marriages and understand that there HAS to be NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. IT IS A MUST.

In all the millions of posts here on MB, you will not find one where a marriage was recovered when the WS continued to be around the OP.

Not one.

Since you don't want to believe anyone here, please call the Harleys and let them help you.

So far, "Plan MarineMom" has only gotten you into the gigantic mess you're in now and you are only digging yourself in deeper.

Please call the Harleys before you find out how much worse things really can get.

It's real hard to have NC for life, in the marines anyway. The OM resently got restationed back here and I've ran into him at the store. Had no verbal contact whatsoever and just kept my head down and kept walking. I don't have the thought or feelings of wanting to go back to the OM at all so I don't really believe that it isn't possible because I know for me those feelings arent there anymore and seeing him didn't change that fact at all.

I guess that is why I beleive that it is possible for him too because for me I choose my H over the OM and even after seeing the OM after yrs didn't change anything for me because I still choice my H and don't want anything to do with OM.

Basically, you and your H are choosing his career in the marines over your marriage and hoping the marriage will still work out somehow. I don't know anyone else who has had success under these circumstances, and it certainly has nothing to do with MB, but there doesn't seem to be much else anyone can say. You've made up your mind, and I wish you all the luck in the world. I fear you're setting yourself up for certain failure, but only time will tell.

Well, my sister might be coming to live with us for awhile. She has finally decided to leave her POSWH. H has had many A every where they go. H constantly puts her down and tells her she is nothing and cheats on her all the time. The whole family has been trying to tell her that he isn't going to change and she needed to leave him but she always went back to him. Well it seems like she has finally had enough and might actually leave this time (she has said this many times but also said she still loved him). Well this time she says she feels nothing but anger when she thinks about him now and over the years with all the emotional abuse and PA she has finally cracked.

I have told her about this site and how it could do her good to talk other ppl that could give her advice on her PR. I told her about the HNHN book back in 08 when H and I read it and she went out and bought it and has been doing the MB on her end but BIL refused to even try.

I'm happy that she has finally saw that BIL is a POS and I pray she actually leaves the SOB this time.

She contacted BILOWH and OWH confronted his WW and got a confession and then OWH called my sister and let her know. I am afraid though that she is getting to close to OWH now. They spent all night on the phone until 7 am. She says that he is a real good guy and reminds her of our grandfather. I warned her not to get involved with him or even hang out until both were completely D. Otherwise the relationship will start out on a bad foundation. I'm just afraid that she is looking for comfort and that emotional connection and warned her that my own A started out as an EA. That she wouldn't either of them any good to start out that way.

But on the plus side if she does come live with H and I for awhile it'll be easier for H and I to go on date nights. Sis could stay with the kids and we would be able to go out and have the "us" time that we really need. H thinks it might actually be a good thing since she'll be able to watch the kids so I don't have to drag them out with me if I wanted to drop by while he was working. This could be a real good thing for our own R. Besides having someone home to talk to while H is at work or on duty and me being able to do surprise visits to H job without worrying about the kids

Besides it would help with the financial problems we have been having as of lately. Sis is going to work also so she would be able to help out on a few bills just like water and electric. Just the ones that would be affected by her living here. I would never charge my own family rent but I do expect them to help out and not freeload. We'll see how this works and if she even leaves this time. I truly hope so.

I know you want to help your sister, but right now I would ask her to stay with someone else, you and your husband is not at a good recovery to have another female in the home.

I'm sorry but I see All over this.

I am telling you right now...BAD IDEA!!!

oh no, H and sister wouldnt happen.

why would my sister coming would be a bad idea???

Uh, maybe because he is already proven to be unfaithful, and you are in a bad situation, you both are--

Do you not WANT to see how dangerous this is to your marriage?

And one other person living with you will be very hard. More problems will crop up with the sister there than will be solved by her being there to take care of the kids, etc.

That caring for the kids will get old quickly and then she will be catting around, living off you for free, etc.

It will go good for about 2 weeks, then war will erupt. Besides is your house large? Where will she sleep on the couch? In the garage?

well she is coming with my 2 nephews and she is already set up to work from home so she isn't going to be living soft free. But I've already told her she could stay with us how am i going just renig on the offer after it is made.

Our house is large enough and we have an extra room for her to stay in so she wont be on the couch.

Ya'll did it again you all got me wondering on whether or not it's a good idea to help my sis out. I've always jumped to help out my family without thinking it through all the way. h is the same way with his family. So everytime the fam has any kind of issues they always call us for help. Cuz even with all our problems we are still more stable than them... sounds bad but true.

UGH... i guess H and I need to sit down and really discuss this better before we decide on yes or no.

I just feel bad taking back the offer and even though she is my big sister I've always been there for her when she needed me.

Call her.

"After much thought, H and I decided we are unable to accommodate you in our home. If you need help locating another place to stay, let me know."

The thing is, you do not need to give her your reasons.
The REASON is, it will not work FOR YOUR FAMILY.

It is in the best interest of YOUR FAMILY that she stay elsewhere <--- that is enough explaination.

If she questions you.
Repeat.

"This is our decision. Do you want help finding a place to stay?"

Yes sorry, believe me, I had a sister and her husband live with us, and with all the tension from my husband and I because of my affair and trying to fix the marriage, it was HORRIBLE!

Even though my sister needed the help, her and her husband decided to get out of our house to be free from the tension.

I know you want to help, but you are not in a situation to help your sister when you yourself needs it. It's like the blind leading the blind, it doesn't work.

Just talk to her, she will understand, especially if her and her husband are in the same situation as you.

Scotland et al, unfortunately the military is not one of those jobs that you can quit and leave by giving two weeks notice. Berating her for what you see is their refusal to leave the job is not going to help because they really can't do anything about the situation other than perhaps volunteer for an overseas assignment - a possibility marinemom that you may want to look into - which again would require an approval. just up and leaving the military, especially in time of war, is known as desertion and the military kinda frowns upon that.

Marinemom, as I have stated in the past, and which was somewhat corroborated by one of the other male posters to your thread, the biggest issue you face (and what is driving all of your current difficulties) is if your husband is going to be able to get past the fact that you had a child with another guy and let him think it was his for two years. Everything else is secondary - the women posting here may disagree, but then again I don't think they really truly can understand how a guy would feel in this case. If you want to have any shred of a chance in recovering your marriage you and your husband are going to need some big help. Have you contacted Behavioral Health Services or the Family Life people on base to set up counseling? I think they would have a better idea of military life than a civilian counselor. If your husband cannot get past his sense of anger and betrayal (and as I've said, not many men could in these set of circumstances) with professional help, it's not going to really matter where he works, or where you live, etc, because the root cause cannot be resolved. If you feel that your husband CAN'T get past what has happened, then I would negotiate a divorce. If he says that he CAN get past it, then he needs to work with you to rebuild your family. The so called affair he had was to rub it in your face, there's no excuse that he saw it as ok to use another human being to exact revenge upon you - he doesn't exactly stack up well as far as moral position goes, now does he? But it does show the amount of anger that he has inside and the fact that whatever little that you did od to recover your marriage initially didn't work very well. So it's time for him to either crap or get off the pot.

Marriagebuilders is a GREAT program but it only works if both partners are truly interested in recovering the marriage. Otherwise it's a waste of time.