I have to say that MB advice can be twisted by a clever stepdad, and used against a child. Already, we have a mom considering leaving her child at home alone at 9-years-old. By the way, where is the adopted toddler/youngling when the 9-year-old was to be left home? Who took care there?
Just remember, in the 1950s, mom stayed at home. You work full time as a professional. The two don't jibe, IMO.
I have two questions for you, one of which I've asked twice before:
1. What was it about the OM that you liked? What was the EN he was meeting for you?
2. Why did your H divorce his first wife?
Thanks for any background you can provide to help us undertand your situation better.

Do you remember this story from a couple of months ago?
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20004781-504083.html
This is why I feel a mother should
ALWAYS
ALWAYS
ALWAYS
put her child ahead of her new husband. This guy was a sociopath, and he manipulated this mother into (from the sound of it POJA) agreeing to sit by as her son was brutally abused and murdered. There's a special place in he11 for both of them.
And this is an extreme case, I know. But every day, little concessions are made by women desperate to stay married for the second (or third) time.
I have one more question:
3. Why did you adopt another child?

I don't think anyone advocated she leave her son alone. No one is saying throw her son under the bus kowtowing to her husband. BUT she has to NEGOTIATE with her husband how to navigate their blended family.

To do otherwise is to exclude him from his own family. To do otherwise is a SD and abusive.

The solutions aren't: leave the child alone or IB taking time off work to stay with the boy. Those aren't the ONLY options. I can't see that anyone has advocated leaving the boy at home alone. No sane person would. Her husband might - but with POJA that just isn't going to happen.

No one is saying to make concessions. POJA ensures that as SHE is concerned with the interests of her son, her enthusiastic consent will not be given to anything that damages him. She shouldn't make concessions on his health, safety, or wellbeing. But her husband opinions, thoughts and feelings MATTER.

Child > marriage is always a recipe for unhappiness.

You should do some reading on blended families and begin a dialogue with your husband on how to move forward.

Why did BH divorce first wife? She was bipolar and a generally horrible person in his opinion. He was a money provider and abuse taker.

What EN's did I think OM was meeting for me? I pretended he loved me because he never had criticism for me. It was always "you are so wonderful". Fake but when you are in the fog you don't see how fake it is.

Our daughter is 3. She is in daycare. My son does not want to go to daycare. So in the summer we do different camps, or my mom stays with him, or I take vacation.

Why did we adopt a little girl? Because I love children and wanted more than 1 child. Plus, I take responsibility for my children physically, emotionally, and financially. I am suprised someone asked why we adopted a child? How many times are people asked "Why do you want to have kids?" That just strikes me as a strange question. Maybe I misunderstood.

u233,

Since I am a lot older than your H and actually grew up in the 50's and had a military Dad to boot, I think you are letting him off way too easy. He is taking that stance because he is lazy. Pure and simple, he is lazy and he is cheating the kids of experiences that will and should transform their lives. Further, your son and his son are LEARNING right now from him and so are your daughters and the lessons they are learning are NOT GOOD.

Now let me say, I am of the "spare the rod, spoil the child school". I believe in theraputic power of the hand. However, I also believe that you love children and that means to the extent possible you become part of their lives because the opportunity to influence them is actually very short. I don't believe parents shoudl be children's friends, but they sure can be and should be cheerleaders.

I will also say both my W and I reflect on our children growing and the absolutely best time to teach them about life, about people, and about reality is when they compete in sports or in something else. They will have good coaches, fair coaches and poor coaches. they will have good teachers, fair teachers, and poor teachers. The poor ones actually offer more "teachable" moments than many think.

Your H is missing teachable moments by not being part of the kids activities. It does not mater if they win or lose, although it should matter to the kids. But, they need learn many things and one is that their father is proud of them when they work hard at something and try, even if they don't succeed.

I could go on and on, but I really think your H doesn't have a clue about the 50's or how real men rear children. And yes fathers often are harder on the boys than the girls and yes mothers are often harder on the girls than the boys. It happens.

Please speak up, please address the kids activities with your H. Please talk to him about what his REAL value is and it is not just a paycheck. I have felt like a paycheck in my life and it was NOT rewarding and actually led to me coming here over a decade ago.

It is interesting that you say "I take responsibility for my children, physically, emotionally, and financially." Which suggests he isn't even a good paycheck, much less a good father. You two need to talk.

God Bless,

JL

I'm answering this from a different perspective here. First let me sat that even with their very human imperfections, my parents were loving and dedicated parents. But I always knew they their M came first. Granted, that was not how I understood it as a child. Then, I just realized that Mommy and Daddy REALLY loved each other, and they liked to spend time together like all best friends do. As I got older, I realized more and more that their strong commitment to each other actually made me more secure as a person. I wanted to have a marriage just like theirs.

Now, they did not ever neglect me (in fact they were very protective), and they were BOTH at concerts, recitals, etc. But when I grew up and my brother grew up....their lives went on fine because they had never revolved around us completely to begin with.

I did not grow up in a blended family, so I know I could never quite grasp all of those complications, but I do know how powerfully it impacted me to have two parents in my home who loved each other fiercely and worked together to raise my brother and me. I am sure there were things I might have missed, like Brownies (my friend Jane was one, but I wasn't). But that isn't what I remember about growing up. I remember Mom and Dad laughing, going away together every once in awhile and coming back with presents for us and goofy. mushy looks on their faces. I believe whoever said that the most powerful gift parents can give their children is to love each other.

Have you called up the outfit running the meeting to see if you could get the information emailed or sent to you? Do you know another parent that could grab the info for you and take some notes?

Have you asked your husband what he thought about the above ideas, and/or asked for other suggestions from him?

These might good starting places for POJA.

OK thanks for your reply. Your answers certainly shed some light on things. I'm not trying to attack you--just to get you to think about things.
1. Your H's ex was diagnosed as bipolar? Only reason I ask is because my H used to say I was bipolar when he was all foggy in his A. He knows now that he was a history re-writer. Just curious.
2. So, based on what you found attractive in the OM, I'm guessing you have a high need for being appreciated? Does your H make you feel loved and appreciated now?
3. When I asked why you adopted, it could have just as easily been why did you have another pregnancy, so don't read anything into that. What I meant was: Your H clearly doesn't want to play an active role in the upbringing of children, and when he plans to retire, there will be a 7-year-old running around the house. Very odd chioce. Did you both enthusiastically have this adoption, or was it your H saying, "changing diapers and taking her to school and going over homework is going to be your job, so if you're up for it go ahead." Almost like buying a dog? Again, just curious.
4. If I may, one last question. Maybe you answered it on another thread? What was the cause of YOUR divorce?
Thanks again for taking the time to answer. I certainly hope you are able to find a happy solution.

Sadly, this will not appease the DS9, if you ask me. My H frequently talks about how his dad was the "1950s kind of dad" and how my H had to get rides from other kids' dads and moms. Also how dad never went to PTA meetings, or helped him with homework. He's almost 50 now, and he still remembers it like it was yesterday. It totally screwed up his brother and sister and he still carries the scars. Just putting a roof over someone's head is NOT parenting.

Thanks again to everybody for your help. Good news on the POJA front . . . . I had a really good sit down talk with my H last night. He was happy because I had asked the coach to e-mail me the info from the parents meeting. This was somewhat of a legit request since I am recovering from surgery right now and hobbling around on a walker.

Anyway, I talked to H about the kids activities. He said "you know, they don't have to do these things" and i said "but it is important to me that they do because they like it." He understood. Then, I mentioned that I was considering cancelling dance for DD3 because the soccer practices are at the same time as dance on one day. I asked H if he could take DS9 to practice. He said yes! I really, really, really felt GREAT about this.

Anyway, to answer a few questions . . .
1. H's ex-W diagnosed bipolar? I'm not sure. In the 5 years we have been married though I have seen her in action before. I'm not sure if bipolar is the diagnosis. She screams a lot, stays up all night and sleeps all day, and is generally grumpy. Not my business . . .
2. Yes, H is currently making me feel much more admired and appreciated than he used to.
3. We adopted because I wanted another child and he knew how badly I wanted one. He did not. But we agreed on it. Now that she is here, he can't imagine life without her.
4. I divorced because of my exH's alcoholism and violence while drunk. I abused alcohol as well but was a friendly drunk. He was a "wake you up in the middle of the night and threaten to kill you while you are pregnant" drunk.

Thanks for the very helpful updates.
And congrats on the POJA for soccer--your son and your H will both benefit from this!
Sorry to hear your exH was such a violent drunk. Is he recovered yet, and is he still in your son's life?
Also, just wondering how long your H was divorced from his exW before you started dating--and how his kids feel about you marrying him?
I'm glad your H is happy about the DD3.

ExH recovered and is a good dad to DS. Yes, he has custody every other week. He is remarried also.

DH had been divorced for 6 years when we got together. The ink had barely dried on my divorce papers when he & I started dating.

His daughters and I get along wonderfully but he and his son are estranged and haven't spoken in 3 years.