My BS family (her mom, dad, siblings, and friends) all want her to Divorce me ASAP. D day was over a month ago and I started NC. BS found my diary with details of EVERYTHING. Affair lasted 3 months and we have 2 young children.

We are in marriage counseling and only been to 3 sessions. I keep telling my BS that it is her decision and they need to be supportive of her decision.

Will my BS family ever be supportive of our marriage?

Will they have a negative impact during our reconciliation?

Do the BS family ever want reconciliation, or is this a common reaction?

DbyD365:

What have you done to recover?

If your BW found everything out from your diary, and NOT from you, than she still has no reason to trust you.

And her family will pick up on that.

Give us some more info about how long you have been married, your ages, your childrens ages, the circumstances of your marriage when you first married, the time before the children, and what happened with you to allow yourself to become involved inan affair.

Many people will say that they won't stay with a cheater. So, your testing your BW and her extended family. If this A was out of character for you, then you have a shot. Mine wasn't it was totally IN CHARACTER for me. I ain't that kind of guy now. Made a huge difference.

LG

If her family has no support and is trying to get her to leave you then that means your wife has not forgiven you, she is probably talking to them about her worries, and saying negative things about you, hence why her family doesn't like you and want her to leave you.

You need to read EVERYTHING on this site about reconciliation, then I would sit with your wife and have a long discussion what she say's about you to her family, she needs to be open and honest with you when she answers, but you also need to be open and honest with her!

We need a little bit more information about the story so we can help you more.

Initially BS said she wanted a D and kicked me out of the house. We are now separated but I see children a few times a week. We are also in marriage counseling.

My D day was her discovering the diary.

The affair was out of character for me. 1st affair. M was feeling "boring". We haven't been on a date in years, or spent any alone time together for a very long time. We didn't speak much as work and everyday life got in the way. I felt neglected (I know selfish). We loved each other but marriage was lifeless.

Before the children things were great. Dates and fun weekends.

I got into the affair bc it was exciting, felt needed, and then got carried away into the "fog".

I started NC a few days after D day. The fog cleared enough after d day for me to see the light. I also have a close friend that has helped me clear the fog as he was in the fog once before and now he has nothing.



Been married 9 years, 2 year old and 5 year old.

Since you are separated the only thing I can tell you to do is...

Read "His needs, Her needs"
Surviving an Affair
Have your wife read them as well, purchase two each.

20 hours of UA time, that means you need to be over to her house every night when the kids are in bed, date night every week.

Meet all of her Needs, do you know her top 5? If not his needs her needs book will give you an idea, do the questionnaire on the back of the book.

Show her that you can change, don't tell her, actions speaks louder than words.

And my last advice is to GET HER ON this web site! So we can help her out, don't tell her that you are on here posting, just show her the site and see if she is interested on getting help who have been there done that!

Thank you so much for your responses.

20 hours of being together is difficult. There is still so much anger right now. I'm over there a few hours a week and we just have small talk and play with the kids.

I just don't know how to act when I'm over there. It's an emotional rollercoaster. If we talk about reconciling we get very upset and we don't like to show the kids we are hurting. If I act nice and lovey, I feel it makes me look like I forgot about my actions. So I don't know what to do when I'm over there. I do show remorse when the kids are out of the room.

With fresh wounds, what is the best I can do? She doesn't want me around too much from what I can gather. But we are in MC so there is an effort on her part for R.

Edit: I did order His needs her needs as well as Love Busters

Have you guys talked about the affair did you answer all her questions about it?

Can you move back in? I understand why she kicked you out, but in order to recover your marriage you need to be back home.

Have you thought about reading the books together? When the kids go to bed? That is what my husband and I did, we read them together out loud.

Invite her over for dinner with the kids, and you make dinner for her.

Did she say she wants to fix this marriage?

daybyday, it will be up to you to restore the relationship with her family. You harmed their beloved daughter so you can't blame them for hating you. You hurt them too with your abusive behavior.

My suggestion would be to go to them with hat in hand and apologize to them for harming their DD and for hurting them. Tell them what you plan on doing to make this right.

My mother and sister HATED my husband for his affair and they are very warm friends today. But he did go to them and personally apologize.

They don't have to be supportive of anything. And they shouldn't support it until you prove to them that you are sincere about EARNING forgiveness.

Great advise! I actually did that to wheels family, since they all live all over the place I sent them all an email telling them truly sorry for what I had done, to their brother, and son. It was actually really long...only because I was so sorry!

We just got back from a week vacation with his family at a cabin, and it was a lot of fun!

When I discuss that WE CAN salvage this and make our marriage good if not great, she says she doesn't know if she can ever forgive me.

I feel like my hands are tied behind my back. I realize that there is only so much I can do when I don't live at home.

Hopefully as time goes on she will be more comfortable with me living in the house, but maybe in another room. I just don't see the anger going away anytime soon.

I planned on doing the apologies when we actually decide to go full speed ahead with R.

The fact that she's actually willing to go to MC with me is giving me hope that not all is lost.

From what I hear on these boards, even when D is decided R still sometimes happens. So I will keep hope alive.

At some point I would think that being separated starts to turn from "clearing our heads" to "being without each other isn't that bad". I just hope that I can move in before the latter.

Why are you going to wait? Do you not think this would be a step in the right direction to help show your BW that you really mean to do the right thing?

The moment I knew my WH really wanted to recover our M was the day HE went to his boss and told him about the A. Mind you he had no reason to do so other than for my security since OW was an high school friend not a co-worker.


You have to show humility and remorse. Waiting until you are in recovery is not showing that to your wife.

But why? If you owe them an apology, and you do, then an apology is in order regardless of your marital status. It might help her decide in your favor if you make this gesture.


I share your concern. You can't very well fix the marriage if you aren't there. I don't understand how separation can "clear" ones head.

When your wife says she doesn't know if she can forgive you, I would tell her you don't expect her to grant you unearned forgiveness. Hand her this article and tell her you are willing to EARN IT: [if you are willing] Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

You certainly need to apologise to her family as has been suggested.

I also suggest that your words to your wife right now mean absolutely nothing. Talk is easy and cheap. You have to win her back as best you can within the parameters she allows. She is right to not know if she can trust you or if she can forgive you right now. You need to LIVE an attitude of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes"

Right now you have a considerable sense of entitlement and it stinks. Your BW can smell it a mile off. Do the right thing while expecting exactly NOTHING from your BW.

She doesn't OWE you another chance, nor do you deserve one.

Daybyday,
Only one month past a 3-month affair is not very far along. I think you can admit that if you hadn't gotten found out, you'd still be in the affair. It would not surprise me if you're still undergoing significant withdrawal, despite No Contact.

I was lucky in that my W chose not to tell our families. So I can't put myself entirely in your shoes. But I think that her family is not going to be the deciding factor. They will support whatever she decides. You can't control what they think or tell her. So put it out of your mind -- it won't be productive for you to worry about that. And you have no standing in her eyes to criticize them right now. You had a great chance to impress her family, and you took a running, head-first leap into a sewer. Of COURSE you aren't gonna smell good to them for awhile, if ever.

Your best & only chance is to put her needs first, and focus on those. Find out what she wants & needs. Make lists of things you're going to do to take care of those things. Help with the kids. If you're sorry, make sure she hears it from you (although don't expect words to take the place of sustained deeds.) Give withOUT expecting a payoff; talk about getting back together withOUT expecting an immediate commitment from her. Persevere in being there when she needs you, even though you don't KNOW how this will turn out. You're the father of her children, and that's something in your favor. But you need to remind her why she thought you were the best, why she thought your ring was worth her "yes." You show her patience. Not a month's worth, but many, many months' worth. And at this early stage, your Extraordinary Precautions are so crucial. What are you doing to show her that you've truly cut it off?

Daybyday, I also once thought my A was "out-of-character" for me. Good friends in whom I confided would tell me that, in the first months after my affair, I guess to try to make me feel better. But whether they knew it or not, the fact was in the run-up to my affair, I changed my character: I relaxed my boundaries to countenance things I'd never previously contemplated. I made rotten, selfish decision after rotten, selfish decision. I let myself get too lazy to make the necessary effort to communicate well with my wife about things I thought I needed, and even though I didn't start out looking for it, I lazily, selfishly jumped at an opportunity to get many of my needs met outside my marriage when an opportunity came along. What kind of character has a lazy, selfish guy like that got?

People think character is either there it or isn't. That's a load of rubbish. Character within a person -- like "chemistry" between two people -- is not something that just is. It is something that can be created and nurtured and developed and strengthened; or it can be starved, left to wither, and die. It's a result of choices that you make. Your affair, and mine, were the result of choices that we made. Make sure you're owning your choices. (I think you might be starting to own them, which would be a good start.) Own those choices fully, and you'll see you need to give her WAY more patience than I'm sensing from your words so far, though. Show her that patience and over time, your wife may see that; and that may help.

It's been 14.5 years since all that crap went down.

My H apologized to my parents RIGHT AWAY.
Their relationship with my H was also rebuilt, better than ever.
My H is very close to my Dad, as my Dad lives his last days/weeks/months of his life.

Here is your question:
Will BS family ever support me (FWH)?

It's possible.
Not guaranteed.

Thanks for all of the great advice. I will print off the article about forgiveness and give it to my wife.

I do agree that I should write the apology letter to my BS family asap. I am having trouble with how much content to put in this letter. Putting "I'm sorry" doesn't mean much coming from me at this time no matter how I put it, deservedly so. Should I put "why" I had the affair or would that just stir up more anger? Should I tell them my plan for salvaging our marriage? I WILL apologize emphatically to no end but would putting more in the letter help or hurt?

Gloveoil, about withdrawal. Yes. I've never understood drug addicts and how they would and could do anything for the next "hit". I now know. Fortunately I have a friend that went through the same thing that I am going through and he has been instrumental in helping me focus on my priorities in life which is family. My friend has lost everything dear to him (and then some) due to his "addiction" and "fog". He prays every night that he could turn back time and R when his wife wanted to numerous times over 1.5 years.

Any "why" you state will come across as justifications and rationalisations. I would not use a letter anyway - it should be face-to-face. Man up.