Hello,

History, I was here 2yrs ago looking for help to stop my WW in an PA. I chickened out and never confronted. Things between us got better for a period and again the PA has resumed.

I am back after 2yrs with my head in the sand and going nuts... I am nearly positive that WW had another(x2) round with the OM. I am determined that the time has come for me to finally confront and work on ending her A. What I need help with is the confrontation part. What to say, how much to say I know, & how to keep my head on straight?

Anyone that has any advice, it will be greatly appreciated!

TIA

You wrote this 2 years ago. This is more than just another affair. It's an affair with the same OM that's probably been going on the whole time and probably before you were married.

You didn't expose back then, are you ready to expose now? That's doesn't mean confronting wife. That means exposing her years-long affair with OM to everyone that matters-- children, family, work, pastor. THEN you confront WW.

BTW, why on earth do you want to save this marriage? I'm sorry I can't stick around for your answer but hopefully some others will be along behind me. If not, I'll be back on tomorrow.

You will expose and confront when it becomes more difficult for you to endure pretending than it is for you to face the cold hard reality.

I feel for ya. There were times during my recent divorce that I wished with all I had that I never discovered the truth. But now....I've found the 'truth' in 'The Truth will Set you Free.'

It is no way to live...with head in sand.

Forget confronting.

Expose.

Never to late and make it nuclear!

Willy, you are what Dr Harley calls an "enabler" on this radio clip:

http://richwith.com/mb/radio/oldershows/05-11-10/MB_051110_D.mp3


Dr Harley: "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler."

"In my judgement exposure would have ended your wife's affair."

I hope you can see that conflict avoidance has only made this problem worse, not better. This enabling has given your wife expectations of entitlement that have become very entrenched over the years.

W66,

She is absolutely brutal, you need to snoop and gather airtight evidence, film them and post to youtube, then expose to everyone, this is not just an affair but a cancerous affair and in need of chemo and radiation therapy.

God Bless
Gamma

You want to end it? You haven�t shown you are willing to do what is necessary. You�re afraid of your wife�s anger.

It is time to man up, expose, and stand your ground. If you don�t, then continue doing what you�re doing, but the harsh reality is that you are allowing your wife to have an affair. YOU are letting this happen.

If you do nothing, you may as well surrender to the affair and offer to sit next to the bed and fetch them water after they�re done having sex. Bring them towels too so they can wipe the sweat off their brows.

It�s harsh, but that�s basically what you�re doing by not exposing.

1st, Thanks everyone for posting. It all makes sense to me.

Mel, thanks for the Radio clip. Is there a library of clips so I can go thru others as time allows?

I am ready for exposure, have been planning for a while. I do want to do as much exposure to family/friends in person so they don't think that I am not being sincere about the truth. I have evidence that can be presented if necessary.

HTLD, You are correct, It has been enabled much too long. I am tired of all the triggers and insensitivity she has towards me. Time to lay it all on the line as my personal happiness has dimished to almost nothing.

I have a good opportunity to talk with my boys next week as we are going on a camping/fishing trip for 5 days without WW.

Thanks Again, Gotta run. Will be back.

I said what I said for shock value. Sometimes you need a 2x4 to knock sense into you. I also understand where you�re coming from since I too was afraid of my WXW.

Biggest regret I have looking back is that fear that gripped me. It�s something I could have controlled and I instead let it control me. Don�t be that guy.

HTLD,

You're right, the fear of it going to Plan D is what gets to me the most. Custody, debt management, a house that we/I really like and will most likely have to give up cause I know I can't take it on by myself, especially if 25% + will go to WW. She makes only 1/3rd of what I do. Huge financial mess potentially.

My friend, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn�t have feared divorcing a woman that was a toxic drain on my life. Don�t get me wrong, it hasn�t been easy and it has been financially tough.

Who cares what she makes. That�s her problem, not yours.

I feared divorce, just like you, and I was willing to go through anything to get my family back, even foolishly believing my WXW (through my BS fog) that having an amicable divorce to give us time apart to heal was the best option to save our marriage. It made sense at the time, but I wish I could go back, beat myself silly, and then tell myself the reality.

What is the reality? For one, this stress is literally killing you. Every time you deal with this it is a drain to your soul and literally to your heart. I have actual medical proof of heart damage from the high blood pressure resulting from my ex�s actions and my custody fight.

Next, stop making assumptions about custody. Custody is stressful, but it shouldn�t be as stressful as it is. Courts today are much more fair towards fathers and they will not take you from your children.

Third thing: YOU have much more control of the situation than you realize. The betrayed husbands who do well are the ones who man up and don�t fear either divorce or the WW�s anger. They do what is necessary to end the affair and get the ball rolling legally or in terms of saving their marriage. I believe that filing legal papers where you are literally going for everything, including charges of adultery, and full custody, will do more to wake up a WW than anything else.

Look at the threads here and see for yourself. Men who act without fear do well and more often than not have a WW who repents and comes back begging to be forgiven.

It is then that this becomes your choice on doing so or not.

Personally, I would not forgive a second betrayal. She�ll do it again and this is killing you. Check your BP if you don�t believe me.

Expose to everyone, file for divorce, and see if you can get an order to remove her from the house. Get some solid evidence of an affair first. Spy, hire a PI, and get other pieces of evidence to confirm and then confront.

Don�t get played. Man up.

Update,

Last week minutes before I went on vacation with my boys, I interecepted a card that was sent to my WW. I had to stop at the store in which she works to pick up something and the gal at the desk hands me a piece of mail that came addressed to my WW. It was in a purple envelope and looked much like a card. So I opened it and sure enough it was from the OM and he even included a picture of himself. So, after making a quick copy of it I took it home and put it on the counter. She found it and it disappeared and she never said a word about it to me. It was obvious that it was opened because I wasn't too careful opening it.

Exposure is underway, mother, sister, stepkids, co-workers, etc... I guess I just sit back and wait for the storm...

EXPOSE NOW!!!

Hope you kept the return address on the envelope for a well needed NO CONTACT letter that your WW should write and you should approve and send. Good thinking on making a copy!

There was no address on the envelope, but I know from several pieces of evidence the address and phone of the OM. It's funny how GPS' tells a someone where another person has been!!!

Have been busy exposing to everyone. What a rotten weekend. The reaction is similar from all, they have no idea what has been going on and are upset with what WW has been doing. I was planning to confront WW last night but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I am so afraid of her anger.

I did make a small discovery this morning. I found out her FB password, it is "ihateWH". Wow, if she has that much hatred for my, why doesn't she just leave me???

I did meet with a D lawyer last week. I have to go out of town for work today but will try to meet with another lawyer tomorrow.

I beleive it is time to move over to the D forum.

Don't go straight to plan D when you haven't even tried plan A and plan B.

Yes get everything sorted out, money, lawyer, etc just to be on the save side, but don't quit.

Start working on a plan, plan A her and if things don't get better and you have no more strength to proceed in plan A then go to plan B.

have you read anything about these plans?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2276398#Post2276398

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

READ

Wily,

OF course she hates you, it is the only way she can justify what she has been and is doing. You have to be the enemy. Confront her and tell her how the 'cow ate the cabbage'. Why do you fear a woman that cheats, lies, and claims to hate you? You have nothing to lose my friend, so if you want this marriage you can fight for it without worry. You have nothing to lose.

Right now she is lost, but she can be found.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

PS: if OM is married or works with her, expose him to his W, his work, and his family. Put a match to his feet and then watch him dance. It will help break up this little mess they have created.

Does she beat you? Is there a reason why you are so timid and fearful?

Yes, your wife will be furious, but your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. The biggest concern about her anger will be to NOT BURST OUT LAUGHING when she attacks you with the typical fogbabble rantings. We can almost predict what she is going to say verbatim. "I was going to work on the marriage, now I am filing for divorce!!" "you have betrayed me.."

The hardest part will to not bust out laughing. If you feel a laugh coming on, I would leave the room.

When will your exposure targets be speaking to your wife? Are they going to be using their influence to persuade her to end her adultery?

And is the OM married, and if so have you exposed to his wife? What about to their employer? A letter should be sent ASAP to their employer.