Thanks for your input. I did not want to sound stupid when I asked if a single person seeing a married person is also a cheater. I am just new to all this and my mind is racing 10K miles an hour.

I see my lawyer today, I have been taking notes, have a journal of events since June 28th (the day she told me she may want out) and I have all the text messages between us since.

I am going to seek a protective order against him, have the kids looked at by CPS, I am going to sue her for the money see owes me and I am not going to sign her separation agreement her lawyer wrote up into my lawyer picks it apart.

I am not letting her off easy, I will continue to expose this relationship and I will continue to forgive me. I love her and I want to work on this with her. Yes is has cheated, yes I knew about two affairs prior to me. I have no clue if this is her first affair while with me. A lot is unknown. But I do know that I love her and that may sound nuts, but I can't help it.

So first thing is first, protect my kids, get an order against the 20 year old. Get her to pay me the money she owes me.

Get a separation agreement in place that hopefully puts the kids in my custody.

Once the smoke settles from all that, I will have no contact at all with her and I will let me fail on her own. I pray that one day she will see the light and we can get her help, get us help and move forward. However that is so far down the road it's not something I am focusing on now, I am focusing on my children and their well being and protecting myself and getting her to pay bills she walked out on.

As of yesterday she has left the house with the kids and is living in an apartment across town. She did this protective order against me during the final week of when she said she would move out. She did it so the kids would not see me, she could take whatever she wanted from the house and pretty much did it on purpose.

Thanks for all your support and feedback. I welcome more of it and I know what I need to do today! Contact the lawyer with my side and get this ball rolling...

Thanks everyone

Follow your lawyer�s advice. They�ve seen all the dirty tricks (so have judges). There�s a skepticism present when restraining orders are filed and then dropped and no evidence is ever presented about a threat.

Be strong. Keep taking notes. Go get a book on father�s rights. There�s several out there.

In the end you will have to coparent with your ww, but right now you must pull out all the legal guns.

I�m also inclined to tell you that the personality of your WW tells me that it is an exercise in futility to try to reconcile since she has no respect for marriage. She goes with what feels right and not with what IS right and that is a huge thing.

helpthelostdads:

Thanks so much for your advice, I just called my lawyer and will see him soon. Yes the guns are out and I will do whatever I can to make her see what she has done to not only me but the kids

I know the relationship is broken and can't be fixed. But love gets in the way of my thoughts. But that will change in time

Thanks again for the advice.....!

DAT, on the drug testing, insist that she get a hair follicle test and be willing to take one yourself. They cost a little more but check drug use for the last 90 days whereas a standard drug test (pee test) may miss drugs taken 3 days ago.....

LH,

By no means do I pretend to think that what you�re doing is easy. I know loves gets in the way and you are acting contrary to how you�re feeling. Think of Mr. Spock. You need to do what is logical, not what is emotional.

Custody battles are a delicate dance between being on the offensive as a man and appearing vindictive and like the spurned lover out for revenge. This does matter as a man when it comes to custody since we get much less mercy in the court system.

Don�t make accusations of drug use unless you�re sure it�s happening on her end. You can certainly focus on OM and his use however and can file restraints on having the paramour around your kids. That�s often something granted in a normal adultery situation that doesn�t involve your kids.

Are you in a two party state for voice recording? Check the law, but I would carry a voice recorder whenever interacting with WW. Record her if you can. In some states it�s legal to do it if only one party knows they�re being recorded in a conversation (you), but some states require that both people know. This just means that you have to be open about the recording and even state openly that, �you�re being recorded right now.�

Odds are low she will care at first. MANY women automatically assume that family law is on their side. It is and it isn�t. More often than not, men are simply unprepared when it comes to family law or are too emotionally caught up to think straight and mount an effective case against the WW. That�s what lawyers are for. They are paid to think for you.

Trust your lawyer as an experience professional who knows how family law works. Sometimes being a pitbull isn�t the best approach for a man. Perception is reality in family law so it�s important to appear like you�re worried about your children more than yourself and it is also important to appear conciliatory to your WW and willing to be flexible and amicable.

No judge wants to give kids to a person who looks like they have anger problems, which is going to be her MO to get you.

Thanks for the advice helpthelostdads

I see the lawyer at 4:00 today and will see what he thinks will work and what wont.

In my state you cant record phone calls unless both parties know. Plus the fact that we don's see each other nor talk on the phone. all of our communications have been via text messages and I have 7 weeks worth all printed out.

Nothing much in them other then one, she admitted last wednesday that she is in fact dating this guy. She told me this only after I contacted her HR department and she told me that is what she told them. He left his job so they could date

I have many times had her tell me they are together and are having sex, but that was in over the phone and I can't record them and if I tried and she knew, she never would have said it.

Thanks

So when I said we don't talk on the phone, I really meant to say "maybe once a week"...but not at all now

Yes, he knows she's married but sees her anyway. Who cares what label you put on it, he's not quality material. Cheater, womanizer, bum, opportunist, the label doesn't change the destructive effect his participation has on your marriage.

well I went to court this past Thursday, she dropped the protective order and filled for divorce. We agreed on a few things, joint custody for now and no support. I of course will support the kids, but not her

She got her apartment and moved out last week. She is no longer allowed in the house and I have changed the locked.

As far as the money she owes me, my lawyer advised letting that go until the divorce hearing. That and getting her to see a shrink for whatever she is thinking not taking care of the kids since July 11th

I took the kids to the beach this past Friday and I am home now, the kids stay there with my parents until Wednesday and then to their mothers for three days.

So I came home after a week of not allowed here and she pretty much took her stuff and trashed the house. I have been cleaning all day and I am 80% done.

So here is my question, how do I stop running the events of the last two plus months to stop? I workout everyday, I do Ironman's and I work a 40 hour week. Even sitting on the beach with the kids would not stop these thoughts.

I have spoken to her via email over the last fews days. Just because school starts next week for the kids and my daughters birthday is Saturday.

I even found myself yelling at myself to stop thinking about the last two months.

So far in the emails, I have been more than nice to her. I did talk to her mother via email and we got into it because she is loaner her money stating that I have not paid for anything for the kids which is not true. She has heard my side and now her daughter is lying to her to get money.

Thanks

You should NOT be contacting her! You are in plan B, even if it ends in divorce, you need to GO DARK DARK DARK! If she wants to discuss anything about the kids then get an IM to help you with that.

thanks

I will cut those ties off today. That was my plan B and I need to get back to it today

Thanks for helping me stay the course. I will update everyone again in a week or so.

Thanks everyone for the support!!!!!!!!!!!

So here is a little update from this week.

My wife came over Tuesday to grab a few more things from the house. She and I did not speak other than a few items about the kids. She went to leave and said "ok talk to you later" and I said ok goodbye

Wednesday she came to pick up the kids and was cold. Not that I was trying to talk to her, but she was just cold

Well my daughter turned 4 yesterday and I had a party for her. Had about 20 people over. My wife was not invited of course and she vented to her mom that she was not and even posted on FB about how she was not invited. A few friends were like "duh" why would you be invited? That was not posts they made to her, but to me

So yesterday the time changed as to when she was dropping them off went from 1:00 to 10:00 to 6:00 to 4:00. So I had to change the party time twice. She was pissed that she was not invited and wanted to mess with me.

Yesterday around 11:30 she sent me a text saying "can I drop the kids off at 1:00?" I said no, 6:00

She said she needed to take her car to get worked on and asked why she could not drop them off earlier.

I told her I would be home by 1:00 but needed at least an another to put my daughters bike together for her birthday

So I said 3:00 would be fine with me.

She then asked "why the change?" I said what change?

She said "why did you say no and then yes?"

I explained that I understood she needed to get her car fixed and that I have changed and I want to be helpful.

Of course seeing my kids 3 hours earlier was behind my giving in, but I wanted her to see how understanding I have become and that I am changing.


So here are my questions:

Why so upset about not being invited to the party?
Why nice one day and cold the next?
Why would she ask "why the change?"

Also when she arrive yesterday to drop off the kids, she walked in like we were "normal". She made a few comments about the kids, asked to see the school paperwork I got the day prior, she asked me to this and that for the kids, made a few other comments and I just said "umm hmm, ok" and really focused on the kids being back.

WTH, is going on with her?

Thanks everyone for the continued input, it's been VERY HELPFUL...!

-DAT68

Well it's been two weeks since the wife left and three weeks since we had a disagreement. Until this morning.

We had an argument when she dropped off one of my son's this morning as to who had to leave work early and get them off the bus. Of course she said me and walked out, so it ended up being me.

We spoke on the phone after she left and she complained and today is my day with the kids and I MUST get them. Not recalling that my mom watched them all week except today and saved us an entire week in daycare fees.

All three kids start daycare Tuesday so no more fighting over that.

In the last three weeks I have done my best to avoid her calls, when she texts or emails. All have been about the kids so I need to address them. It just makes me cringe when I see something come in.

As far as us exchanging the kids or the first day of school when she was here for an hour, she has been "nice". Almost trying to show me we can be friends I think.

I on the other hand am short to speak, nice and I get the hell away from her. Why? Because I am in PISSED OFF MODE for what she has done not only to me but our 4 kids.

So today when we are discussing the daycare thing, she made comment that she filed for divorce. She said the papers have no one sided custody and no child support from either. She understands that if she wanted support it would force me to sell the house and the kids would basically lose the house they know as home.

My one son does not like going to her place which is a two bedroom apartment and last night, my other son who did go wanted to come home but ended up staying.

So after the divorce filing talk, I asked her if she was happy? She said is an angry voice, YES!

So she still has anger in her towards me, everything is my fault.

My oldest is 14 and not my birth daughter, she wants NOTHING to do with me and my wife tells me I need to try with her which I want to. My wife then asked if I wanted her to talk with her and I said no. Basically, I tried to talk to my wife before she left and it did no good, so by her talking to our 14 year old and trying to "make" her talk to me, makes my wife want to force something on her daughter that I tried to force on her.

Sorry I am all over the place, I just don't understand all of this and why she is so nice and wants to "friends" but anger when I ask her if she is happy now.

Any advice / comments sure would help

Thanks

-DAT68

Dat - it is hard to advise you because I have no clue what you are doing.

What are your goals?

What do you want?

What is your plan?

My wants are for her to come back, drop the A and leave her apartment, move back in and we rebuild our marriage

My Goal? Other than my want, I am not sure if they are different. Tell me what I am wrong in saying that please

My Plan:
For right now, not a lot of contact, and for her to "hang herself" and see that she made a mistake and by me not speaking to her or helping her with money, I plan to make her see that. She asked me for money yesterday. Not a lot, 30 bucks. Seems odd that she has been gone two weeks and already needs 30 bucks. Not 300, but a low 30

-DAT68

dat,

The best advice I can give you is to go to a Plan B. Cutoff your contact with her. Don't talk to her or see her if you can avoid it.

As far as answering her about the kids....

Don't. Unless there is blood on the floor or someone is about to die. That's the advice I got from a parenting coordinator while my ex and I were going through the withdrawl phase.

See, you're in that now. I see it with your interactions with her.

The best thing to do is to not deal with her at all unless it is an emergency. If she gets mad, then simply say that there is no need for you guys to communicate unless it involves the kids and then only if it is something really important.

Really imporant is doc appointments, school appointments, etc.

Otherwise, stick to the schedule setup exactly as it is written through the papers (you have temporary orders?).

Don't deviate from them one bit.

You will eventually be able to, but for now you really can't. It will simply lead to conflict.

Trust me as a man who was in your shoes. You don't need to talk to her, even about the kids, unless it is truly important.

Thanks for the advice

Last night she sent me a text about something and I replied with a "please do not contact me in any way unless it is a 100% Emergency about the kids, I no longer wish to communicate with you in any way because of what you have done"

I got a reply back that my request was stupid and maybe I am unstable and should not have the kids (whatever that means)I think she us just pissed off.

Our court order from two weeks ago states ZERO contact except for her emailing me her work schedule every Friday. So I am not asking for something new, I've said it before and so has the court

So I ignored it and went on watching cartoons with the kids. It was late and two of the three were already asleep

Thanks to everyone for the help and support. I will update everyone as time goes on

-DAT68

dat, I know it sucks, but it gets easier and easier to ignore her rants. IT actually becomes comical at one point.

You don't need her to figure things out about the kids. You can do that on your own. You're doing well. It sucks, but you're doing well and you will eventually accept the new reality.

It takes a while to feel normal again. It took me about 3 years to finally feel normal again.

Took a toll on my heart, too. Keep tabs on your own ticker. This process is killer on the BP.

Hello:

Well it's been awhile and my wife wants to fix our marriage.

As of 9 days ago we have decided to seek counseling and work on the marriage. I flip flop back and forth on if I should do this or not.

Some days I want to some days I can't get this other man out of my mind.

I am looking for responses from men that have taken their cheating wives back.

What made you decide to do it?
How to fight back the pain?
Do you trust at "all" now?
Did it work out?

I am all over the place I know. My wife wants to take it slow and we have held hands, kissed and sat arm in arm on the sofa and watched TV, but she seems so far away from me and I feel like I am heading down a path of a long long recovery and I just can't make up my mind if I need another round of pain.

Thanks in Advance

-DAT

What kind of time line has happened since 9/5/2010.

Pain lessens in time with all things.
Trust? Is WW tranparent, gave you full access to verify NC, answered all your questons about the affair?