I a starting anew thread here because my situation has so many different layers that on any given day its a different layer that is getting to me.
Today it is SF, my #1 need.
Here is the story, My H gave me the impression about 10 years ago that he was totally impotent, he is diabetic, and takes insulin, I know that impotence is a side effect so I did not question it. I was also under the impression that he had gone to a doctor about it and there was nothing they could do. So, I resolved to repress my feelings re SF, feeling really bad for him as I know that this must be a very sensitive thing for him. Well, lo and behold he has now admitted to having sex with 3 different women, When I asked him about the sex thing, especially with his 5 year recent relationship, his answer was that they worked around it, I became, and still am furious, how could he have discussed this and worked around it with someone else without having given me a chance?
Now I feel like chit because I am convinced that I don't do it for him any more and I honestly don't feel like I should be trying to, he never gave me a fighting chance and now I feel like its because I just don't do it for him any more and he does not know how to tell me this.
Unfortunately for me, once I cam out of my fog of deceit, my repressed feelings are back in full bloom.
Please give me some guidance??? I don't know how to handle this and I can't take any more rejection.

Hey MB
I am truly having a bad day and I am waiting for some kind of response. My H just told me that what we are currently going thru is bigger than sex, I am not getting thru to him, he is limiting our conversation to now I am talking about the years he was out screwing around, is he just playing the fool here, I swear I am about to blow a gasket.

Hi teaser. Having a hard time understanding what you're trying to convey with this thread, so I'll just ask a few questions here...

Your H says that "what you are going through now is bigger than sex." What does he mean by that? Your discovery of his infidelity?

Assuming he means the tsunami caused by his latest affair (and you've sinced learned of others...I am so sorry. Did he confess these or did you have to figure it out on your own?), what has he done to try to make up for the pain he's caused you?

Is he being transparent? Exerting effort to meet your needs? And what about his supposed "impotence?" Is he meeting your need for sexual intimacy in any way? Or just crying in his beer?

Trying to figure out what's going on with you two at this time.

Teaser,

Have you thought of calling Dr. Harley for counceling? I'm feeling that the sitch you are in getting worse and worse and you really need professional help to save this M. Believe me, I know how you feel as I was in a long term M too.

I wish that I could be more help, but I'm not sure how to deal with this one. Just know that we are here for support. the one thing I do know is that you can't save this M all by yourself. I tried that and it doesn't work.

Hugs.

I know you need help, but not knowing what your story or background info on how this all came about, it is hard to help. I can go and read your other thread, but it is helpful if you stick to one thread so we don't have to hunt down what is happening with you.

Truly you will get more help if you stick to one thread and people can see your progress and story in one thread.

Off the top of my head, I believe that regardless of your WH claiming impotence due to medical issues, he sounds like a lot of waywards. Yes, he should have worked through those issues with you and not commit adultery to prove himself.

Of course you are upset, this is normal. It is not about you or that you weren't enough. You are worthy. This is all about your WS and his choices. He needs to own what he did and take 100 percent responsibility for his affairs. They were about him, and not you.

Have your read His Needs Her Needs? Or SAA? Have you printed out the EN questionaire and filled it out? I don't have the links, but I'm sure others do and can help you out with referencing the materials here. I may be redundant, but I don't know your story, or if you have had these suggestions before.

Hope you get some more help soon! Weekends are slow.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Yesterday he agreed to do the MB on line program but I am having reservations, maybe I should just do it and see where it goes but he has made promises before and went back on them, this is why I don't trust in his commitment to a program( in 2001 we went to counseling because of an EA) he lied is a$$ off in that session, has since confessed to an affair that he had denied at that time.
Yes, he is referring to the tsunami caused by everything I have just found out.
No, he did not confess, I broke into his e mail and found out a lot of things including a 5 year affair with a FRIEND??? which went on in my house and in my bed.
He is NOT meeting my needs in any way-too upset by the other things that have come to light-I'm sorry, should that not be MY excuse? I must be hallucinating or something.

I am truly sorry for starting a new thread I just thought that because I was only dealing with one of the many issues that it was best to do a new thread. Still a nubie.

Is there any way to correct this?

Hey you and I have talked before. It is weird but every time we have a conversation about our issues, he ends up acting like he is more upset than I am-is this a game or this the way WS act?

You know that is one of the problems that I run into trying to talk to my H about his A. He always gets pissed and tries to turn things around on me. Like I am the one that did something wrong by bothering him about this "ridiculous" crap. i thik they just don't want to discuss it because they see how badly they have behaved and it is their way of deflecting the real issue. No matter the reason though it's very unfair and I find it to be like "rubbing salt in the wounds". It is like he was the one that made a huge mistake, but instead of helping you understand and having empathy he feels the need to make you seem as though you are the crazy person because his life was peachy until you started talking.

Kree
You have hit the nail on the head. They somehow dont seem to understand that we NEED to have our questions answered otherwise there can be no reolution. I get angry when H does that because I feel that it continues to be all about him, and that he is forever in the driver's seat.

Kree is right. Your H is still acting like an entitled wayward. Won't work, and you know it. Problem is, HE needs to know it.

"I don't know/I don't remember" are NOT answers. Might happen every once in a while, but as a regular thing, he's just pleading the fifth. And HE KNOWS IT. Gotta stop the gaming, Mr. Teaser.

Strongly suggest you both speak with Steve Harley at the MB coaching center. Worked wonders with my then WH...two sessions and he started to "get religion." What have you got to lose that you haven't lost already?

BTW, under the circumstances, your fury is perfectly understandable. Dunno what it is with these older guys (my FWH was 59 when he went off the rails, and was a really hard case--at first, anyway.) Your H needs to get it. Steve Harley is the fastest horse for that. Hope he will agree to do it. I wonder if he understands that his marriage, and a future of growing old with a wife who loves him are in definite jeopardy...

Ok, we are still in the middle of an argument here, he has given me his e mail PW. leaves his phone out for me to see, he comes straight home and checks in with me during the day, the problem I have is that a person can delete crap out of their phone, he can delete stuff out of the e mail, he still has a work e mail that he has refused to give me access to because that would compromise his job, yet he had no compunction compromising my job and giving sensitive info to OW. The issues are that the affair went on for 5 years and I cannot understand how it is that not once during that time he had the decency to say what I am doing is hurting my family and I have to stop, the affair stopped because I found out, and he is doing a pi$$ poor job of explaining all this, including the SF thing. But I will call SH cause I need an out I can't stay like this forever, I am the one that is being hurt the most, and obviously I will get no help from him.

Hi

I have been searching the web site looking for SH's phone number so that I can call him but could not find it can someone tell me his number or where I can find it?
Thanks

Just checked back in on this thread and realized I wasn't quick enough to share this info, but Justuss was...

My word, the mods here are amazing! Thank you, Justuss.

Teaser, please make the call.

Thank you Justuss and righthere, I will call today, last night was bad, not a real rage but OMG lovebusters galore from me.
This is becoming overwhelming.

Then it's time to call in reinforcements. Steve Harley is as good as it gets. Write down a synopsis of your situation, including all the high points, so you don't waste time bringing him up to speed.

Then TAKE NOTES while he talks. I was surprised that I'd forgotten much of what he'd said, till I read what I'd written while he was talking. Getcher money's worth!

Hey All
DD25 sent this e mail today to both WH and myself and I thought that I would share with you for comment.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Someone else posted this recently, and I took it as a reminder that we don't have forever. Once we're into our 50s and 60s, it's an especially powerful reminder. The thoughts I came away with are:

"Don't waste any more time! Don't dally making the self improvements you need to make, rightherewaiting!"

"Stop waiting for H to push further into what HE needs to do...get cracking on what YOU need to do. Don't go lazy now!"

We are into our 4th year of recovery. The awful pain and nagging uncertainty has been alleviated, and the hardest of the hard work has been done. Even as I thank God for this, I'm finding it harder to push myself to go yet further, deeper. It's sooo tempting to lay back in the cut and enjoy where we've come. Important to do that, of course--what else was all that work for?--but having conquered the fear that drove us in the beginning, we now have to act on the awareness that we will never be done building this marriage.

So I have to ask myself, "What's next? What am I going to do to move myself and my part in this M to an even better place?"

Given where you are in the process, I ask you, teaser, what steps are you taking to move beyond that awful first stage? Have you talked to Steve Harley yet? Or maybe to your doctor for some help in containing your emotions that left uncontrolled will surely do you in?

Gotten rid of that D@%! bed yet?