Did your H know she would be at that event? Hope HE was the one who told you she was there. Have you two discussed what needs to happen to avoid such a thing happening again?

OW no longer works with you or him, as I recall, right? Why was she even there? Hope your H didn't so much as make eye contact, and got out of there as fast as he could.

How DID he handle it? And how long will you be in New York?

So here is another update, my WH just called me to tell me that he just got a phone call from OW, she asked him if he knows if her picture s still being circulated and he says he responded by saying no I don't know and I cannot talk to you and he hung up.
I think that she knows that I am out of the country and she is trying to re-establish contact, she probably thought (if he is telling the truth) that by asking him that question would open up dialogue with him.
Does anyone else see it the way I do or am I being paranoid?

Have you not changed your phone number at home, as well as your H's cell phone number? This needs to happen. All avenues for contact need to be extinguished. Your H should never have answered that call. NC needs to be firm.

We changed our numbers after D-Day, but can't change our work numbers. My H and I have a plan in place for that: If the OW were to ever call him, he is to say "I can't talk right now. Give me your number and I'll go to another room and call you back." Then he calls ME with the number, and I make a friendly call to let OW know that her contact is probably the worst decision she's made in recent memory. I'll also be calling her BH so that he's aware of her incredibly unfortunate choice to call my H.

Hey Righthere
No WH did not know that she would be there, I have since found out that she lied to her H by telling him that her job required that she be there.
We had never discussed what we would do if we ran into them, it is still so soon and we have been so busy dealing with our internal stuff we never got around to discussing that.
She works for the same ministry that he works but in different departments, sort of like working for the FDA, one works with the department that deals with drugs and the other working for the department that deals only with foods.
He said that he stayed on the other side of the function, his cousin was with him and he confirms this.
I am in NY till Thursday and then I go to Florida to do some shopping with DD before she heads to Barbados which is where she goes to school.
Also wanted to let you know I called to get an appointment with SH, left a voice message.
Wh says that seeing OW did not affect him in any way, he is so past her, he now sees her for the person she really is.
But my thought is that she is playing games, she knows that I am out of town because her BFF works for American Airlines and she was the one who processed me at the airport. I think that she will do her best to get to him but little does he know-he is being watched!!!

Hi Bliss
No we did not change the numbers, we will be doing that now though. She actually called him on the job's cell phone and she did not call from her own phone so he says he did not recognize the number. Which tells me that she is up to no good and she knew he would not otherwise take her call.
Heres what I did and pleeeeaaaase let me know if I was wrong, I sent her a text, copied to her H letting her know that my WH had informed me that she had contacted him, I told her if she did that again we would be compelled to take out a restraining order against her, I advised her she should feel free to show my message to her attorney, tell him I suggested that this time he needs to do the requisite research which will show him that she has no constitutional right to privacy for crap that went on in MY house. I told her that I am the one that e mailed her pictures and she well knows that so if she has any questions pertaining to the pictures, I dare her to call me and put the questions to me.

Nicely done, teaser. Any attempt at breaking NC needs to be met with swift and unrelenting action. There can be no wiggle room on that.

That little drama-queen witch! Of course she is up to no good. Changing all phone numbers pronto will close those avenues. Try to anticipate any other holes in your fence and close them. Not sure how a restraining order might work in your case, but that's what lawyers are for...



Good that he views her differently now; nonetheless, NC is still of the utmost importance. Not just to keep him on the straight and narrow, but for your peace of mind! Very good that HE told YOU about that accidental contact, but odds are good she will try again. Yes, he needs to be watched, but at the moment, it appears SHE needs it even more. Her poor H.

Hope you're able to catch a session with Steve over the course of your travels.

Where will you be in Florida this week?

Hi
I leave for Ft lauderdale on Thursday, I will be there at 1:30. I am still trying to get the appointment, I did speak with Laura and because my WH spoke with Jennifer she says thats the best person for me to talk to so she will try to set up the appointment. Wish me luck!!

Hi Bliss
I also thought that sending it to both she and her H puts him on notice that she is still trying to contact my H. She may have fooled me for years but as I told my WH, I am awake now and I am no fool, all my instincts are now in full gear.

I asked where you'd be on the off chance you'd be close enough for a fly-by meeting...but FLL is hours away. Oh, well.

I do hope you'll be able to talk with Jennifer. Keep us posted, and enjoy this time with your DD.

Hey, teaser! Where'd you go?

Hi Righthere, good to hear from you.
Well I returned home on Tuesday. It was a good vacation in that I thought that I had come back with some definitive goals. Unfortunately, based on conversations I have had with WH, which in turn triggered my anger I feel I have stepped right back to where I was before my trip.
Here is one of the conversations, I told him that my brother in-law sends him his love but said to tell him that he is a little angry at him right now because his family is in a tirmoil over what has happened and he does not know how to fix it, WH's response was tinged with anger, basically saying he does not understand how that could be-now mind you OW's H is my BIL's first cousin, his response then triggered my anger and well, the rest is history.
There was something else that is related to BIL's sister being angry at me as a result of something OW said to her which was all a lie, but my issue is that it stems from a situation that WH discussed with OW that had absolutely nothing to do with OW and is related to my job, instead of WH saying I am sorry I should not have discussed that with her, his question was how do I know for sure she said what they are saying she said-SIGH.
So we just had a long conversation and I told him that when I reflect back to his interaction with OW he appeared to be so happy and I can see and feel that he is having to work real hard at being with me and THAT is making me feel like crap. I told him if being with her is where his happiness lies then I think he ought to go because his unhappiness is getting to me but I am no longer going to tolerate his moodiness as I did before, I am sorry but he took a lot from me and I have no more to give. I know you will probably yell at me for my love busters but I am mentally tired. How am I supposed to meet his needs(Plan A) when I am in this kind of anger? and how do I stop the anger when he keeps behaving this way? I DON"T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
I am crying, I actually feel like screaming, weeks ago you told me to write down my top d ENs and give it to him, which I did, he did not even respond, which I just pointed out to him. He thought that it was just an FYI-huh?? do I sound like I have time for just an FYI? and he did not even bother to ask any questions? I can't do this.
I spoke to Jennifer and thats why I cam back thinking I had a clear idea of what to do next, now, I have no idea.
Do I sound like I am ranting? yea well, I guess I am.
P.S.-I did buy SAR and HNHN.

I'm so sorry you came back with a plan and hit the wall before you initiated it. Problem was, you reacted instead of sticking with the plan. Threw the plan out when your H showed anger instead of holding on to yourself and doing what would have kept things from escalating. Showed anger yourself...which you HATE seeing in your H! He hates it in you too. Probably hates it in himself. And it spiraled out of control, like it always does. And nothing changes, except you both have more holes in your hearts.

There's no point in yelling at you for the love busters... You've already seen that giving in to your own anger only brought you more of what you don't want.

Unfortunately, if you really can't get a grip, you might as well throw in the towel. He yells, you yell. You each blame the other for behaving badly. Round and round you go, but the circle leads back to the same place. Misery.

Somebody's got to go first. He's waiting for you. You're waiting for him.

Checkmate.

Take some deep breaths, get some sleep, and dust off that plan you came home with on Tuesday. Implement it. Hold on to yourself, and detach from his anger. Think about how many years you've spent building a family and a life with this man, before he did something incredibly stupid. Think about how you don't want to see it all irretrievably lost because you're angry now. Bite your tongue. Detach from his anger. Think of your own anger as poison that will kill you. Ain't worth dying for.

When he says something that lights your fire, quietly say, "This conversation is very painful for me and I can't handle it. I'm going out for a walk. Be back in half an hour."

Get out of the house, calm yourself down, come back and resume the plan. He will change the way he operates when YOU change your dance. He can't mambo while you're waltzing. It's just the way relationships work. No, it isn't fair, but it's the way it IS.

You, however, have an advantage. You understand the plan, you know others in your situation have made the plan work, AND you have Jennifer and us here to back you up and give you encouragement. What's your H got for a plan, or support in carrying one out? Who's encouraging him? He is shooting in the dark. All he's got is guilt and shame. You've got to live the plan, then he'll see it. Gonna take a while, though. I KNOW you're made of sturdy enough stuff to do this.

Did Jennifer tell you to read Love Busters or Surviving An Affair before His Needs Her Needs? I can't see how either of you could fill each other's love banks by meeting needs if your love busters have blown the bottom out of the vault.

Start reading SAA, get the Love Buster book, and you'll see what I mean. In the meantime, if you can't make yourself be kind or loving, force yourself to be at least civil and pleasant. No sniping or sarcasm. Give him ROOM to show you his sorrow. He can't with you yelling at him.

That's a start. Fortify yourself and try again. Don't give up yet, teaser.

Hey
Thank you so much for your response, I hope that you realize how much I appreciate it.

The thing about my WH is that his initial response is not so much in anger although I don't doubt that there is in fact some anger there at the nerve of others to criticize OW, for me its the fact that he is taking up for her that is driving me crazy. And thats my trigger. He does not blame me for behaving badly, at least he doesn't say so. The trigger for me is the content of what he is saying.
One of the things I keep asking him is how he really feels about her, he claims he feels nothing, does not miss her and does not think about her. I have a problem accepting this, how can you have been in a relationship for 5years, talking on the phone a minimum of 5 times a day, e mailing and texting in addition to this, and meeting however the hell number of times they did, he disrespected our home and me publicly; so I don't feel that he is being honest and I keep telling him that if he is not ready to be honest with me, I have serious problems about his commitment to the M.
He actually told me last night that if he were in my position he would have walked-so what am I to think of that? is he telling me that I should walk, christ, I am more confused than ever.
I did not get the Love Busters book, the stores did not have it.
By the way, did I tell you that HE also spoke to Jennifer? but since then I don't believe that he has been doing anything MB wise. I feel like has gone back into the behavioral pattern he was exhibiting before but I told him yesterday that behavior is not conducive to the marriage but I also explained to him that resting on his laurels wont get the job done he has to be constantly vigilant-unforunately this is a pattern of his behavior, he starts things zealously but the interest quickly wanes.
I already read SAA, I am waiting till he is finished with HNHN so I can read it.
Please tell me something, one of the things I have been looking at when I read other posts, is whether other As lasted as long as 5 years, I finally saw one person who referenced a 5 year A, and she is still having a hard time, I know that there are other people out there who have had probably longer As, I just would like to know of the recovered ones. I need to know that there is truly hope for us cause right now it all seems so black and I am feeling like I am overseeing WH in the process, sort of like overseeing a child to make sure they eat, bathe and do their homework and I am just thinking this is too much for me. I know for sure I cannot save this marriage all by myself nor am I willing to do it all by myself.
I have read your response over and over, I hear you and I agree with you one hundred percent, understanding is only a part of the battle though, executing is where it all becomes really tricky.

Here is another question I have that I want to pose to anyone who is out there and can respond.
How can a BS do a plan A if she is angry? also, I gave my WH a list of my ENs a few weeks ago and he did not even bother to respond.
So, if he is not bothered to attempt to meet my needs, how am I supposed to work up the energy to meet his? am I being selfish in asking why does this whole thing seem to rest in MY lap?
Am I being self centered if I am struggling with the fact that on D day I found out
1. that my husband was involved in a 5 year PA
2. that the A was with a "friend"
3. that the affair was conducted in my house and in my bed
4. That in addition to the 5 year A, I also discovered 3 other affairs
5. that although WH had told me he was impotent, he was having much sex out there, albeit, according to him, it was all oral.
6. that in addition to everything else, he was bragging about his affairs to his older brother and his friend.
Its been 4 months and although I don't scream 24 hours a day, the pain is there constantly-I have read SAA, I recognize that I need to do a Plan A but......

How come I have such a hard time getting responses here?

This is a maintenance issue for me, teaser - you need to break your posts up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. I get to about line 6 and my eyeballs start twitching! Could be other posters are the same way.

Teaser,

I have not posted to you before. My H's A was not as long as yours, but we are in the same decade of life and have had long marriages.

I have read here (and I believe it was a comment of Dr. Harley's) something along the lines of the more there is to resent, the harder it is. You have a great deal to resent. Somewhere, Dr. Harley also talks about the three things needed for just compensation and recovery (paraphrasing: ending of the affair, establishment of extraordinary precautions and meeting BS emotional needs). In return, the BS has to meet the ENs of the WS. Dr Harley also says that if a couple can't stop talking about the A (dwelling on past mistakes is an enemy of good conversation), they are often headed for divorce.

Where do you think you are in reference to the above?

AM

Maybe it does help to know that dr Harley does not suggest plan A indefinitely, but only 3-4 weeks for women to avoid emotional breakdown.

So, if you keep in mind that you don't have to endure giving without receiving too long, maybe it does help to motivate you to concentrate for this relatively short period of time?

And no, you are not self-centered at all. I guess the point is that to join you he has to admit his wrongdoings. And since the list you gave is quite "impressive", he has a lot to admit. Which will be very painful for him. And to get there a strong kick (Plan A + Plan B) is required.

I believe that the more the WS has to work on the less they are willing to R the M and end the A. In your case (and mine too) your WH has a long term A and other A as well.
Lots to work on, to analyze...lots of work to do on himself. Lots of admitting he was wrong and making ammends.
WS really do not like that...and human being in general have a hard time admitting faults...so I imagine that the R of the M must look like a daunting task.
Nevetheless, without the WS going thru the process of admitting his mistakes and wanting to R the M and going thru radical honesty...the M is pretty much doomed.
I am writing this not to discourage you but to make you aware of the situation. Awareness helps us put things in perspective.
It is not said that your WH (and mine) will not come to terms with himself and decide for integrity instead of destruction...
blessing