|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
Still reeling here.
Really feel like I have almost gotten hit by a bus.
I have been feeling extremely depressed lately and really had been checked out from my family and I opened my husband up to an affair with a coworker.
I have been cold to him and affectionate all these years so that I could manipulate him into responding to me. He is very quiet and I just wanted a response. His need was affection; my need was conversation and reassurance. To get my needs met, I robbed him for many years.
He misunderstood something I said and decided to go to someone else for comfort. I've found out. I want to change. He was ready to walk out but he is still here. We are seeking counseling. But I am afraid out of my mind.
I love this man. I know I have always loved him but I really had problems showing it. I understand what happened and I know what to do and am humbly, gladly, doing it, but it doesn't seem like anything is helping. He distrusts me and thinks I am only here because I don't want to be alone. It is really about not being with him. I'm sure I could find someone else to be with if I really wanted to, but this is the man I really fell in love with when I first married.
I have been so wrong.
Sorry, I'm rambling.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 282
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 282 |
Hi
I am so sorry that you are here but you have come to the right place, there are many people who will respond to you and give you the best advice-listen closely to what they say to you.
I a relatively new here but the one thing that struck me about your post is that there are a lot of "i" did this and that and the first piece of advice that was given to me and I am passing on to you is that your husband's affair is about his weakness not about what you lack. All marriages have problems, the way to address those problems is with your spouse not to go out and have an affair, thereby adding another dimension to your problems. I myself have to keep repeating that to myself and you have to do it too-please!! its important otherwise you will end up giving yourself a thorough beating on top of everything else and right now you need your strength to deal with your other issues.
Hope this helps!!
BS me 55yrs
WH 59 yrs
M 34 yrs 6/26/2010
DD 25
D Day May 5, 2010
NC 5/12/2010
Duration of affair 5 years, but other affairs discovered on D Day
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
I have been feeling extremely depressed lately and really had been checked out from my family and I opened my husband up to an affair with a coworker. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! DO not start thinking this, HE is the one to blame! I am sorry if you are here, but you are not the one that pushed him into bed with this woman, so stop blaming yourself. You best bet on saving this marriage is to read everything on this site starting here.... http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240Second is to expose this affair to everyone you know that will help STOP this affair... Family Friends Co-workers Neighbors OW's husband/family kids etc. "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." Again sorry you are here.
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 08/14/10 09:44 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hi waitingtoexhale, sorry you are here. Your marriage can recover if you follow this program. The first and most important step is for your H to end all contct with the OW even if it means leaving his job. Otherwise, recovery will be impossible. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. The difference between Marriage Builders and other marriage programs is that the goal is to restore romantic love to the marriage. That can be achieved if you follow this program in its entirety. Start here with Dr Harley's video about infidelity: How to Survive Infidelity And then read this article: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
Wow.
That seems really harsh. Exactly where is that? (saying this nicely)
We have children. They don't need to know unless they have to.
They have not slept together.
She is also married.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Wow.
That seems really harsh. Exactly where is that? (saying this nicely)
We have children. They don't need to know unless they have to.
They have not slept together.
She is also married. Have you told her husband what your H and his wife have done?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
He's not going to give up his job.
I would love that. I would live with nothing at this point (you couldn't have told me this 2 weeks ago--very selfish).
But he doesn't seem to want to do that.
Also, he "broke" it off with her, but not really. She is still on his Facebook. This baffles me. I've thrown so many meaningless tantrums and have been very mean in the past. I was controlling and manipulative. I have no desire to be that person now. It does not help anything. I don't want to go there now. He knows this upsets me and seems to do nothing. I'm afraid of what this says. What do I do next?
Last edited by waitingtoexhale; 08/14/10 11:13 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
I don't even know them.
No, I haven't.
I wanted to at first, and of course he didn't want that, and now I'm not sure if that is the best thing. I don't even want to think about her.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I don't even know them.
No, I haven't.
I wanted to at first, and of course he didn't want that, and now I'm not sure if that is the best thing. I don't even want to think about her. Of course it is the best thing to tell her husband. He can't very well protect himself from your husband and his wife if he doesn't know. I wouldn't forewarn your husband. Just call the man up and tell him about the affair. But, your marriage wont' make it unless he ends all contact with the OW. As long as they work together, the affair will continue. You are looking at years of on again, off again affair. They will both be triggered every day they see each other at work, making recovery impossible. If you told her husband about the affair, he may insist that SHE leave her job and then you don't have a problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
Waiting let me tell you about my situation ok?
I had an emotional affair with someone we knew, for 3 months, when my husband found out I told him that I will break it off but I still wanted to be his friend, but the TRUTH was that I still wanted the contact, while I was still in contact I did not want to fix my marriage because I still had feelings for this OM, well needless to say the OM found another g/f it devastated me!
ONLY 2 months went by when I found ANOTHER man to be with, and this time it was someone that we knew VERY close.
My husband chose not the expose my first emotional Affair (EA) and guess what happened? I found someone else!
With this second one my husband needed help, so he found this site, and got help from all these wonderful people, guess what they told him to do??
EXPOSE then start working plan A.
Well for the same fear you have my husband did not expose but was willing to work on plan A, guess what was happening through out this plan A? I WAS STILL IN THE AFFAIR, no matter how hard my husband worked on his plan I did not care, want to know why? Because I WAS STILL IN CONTACT WITH THE OM!
Finally my husband couldn't handle it any long and exposed, guess what happened then? The fog started to life and within days I knew what needed to be done! NC for life, and get my family back!!
So if you are truly here to save your marriage, then you need to expose this affair, I am sorry, but your marriage can and will survive the exposure but it will NOT SURVIVE if your husband is still in contact with this OW!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
I would really feel more comfortable talking to our marriage counselor about this before I make a decision, but I know you are right.
I am frightened. This is hard because I don't want to be mean or vindictive (and I have been this way in the past) and it would be taken as such.
I'm just trying to protect the marriage.
Last edited by waitingtoexhale; 08/14/10 11:15 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
P.S
Wheels and I are in recovery for 7 months now, and I can truly say that I am sooo glad my husband had the balls to expose my affair!
Now we are on MB to help other people like you that your situation is not the same and you too can be in recovery, ONLY if you take our advise.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
I would really feel more comfortable talking to our marriage counselor about this before I make a decision, but I know you are right.
I am frightened. I do not want to betray him more than I already have. I already know what you MC will say, he will say that it is wrong, personally I do not like MC, they did not work for me and my husband when I was in my Affair. You need to understand, the MC's can't help marriages with infidelity only common issues like money, communicating, etc. But when there is infidelity involved they do not know what to do, because that spouse WILL NOT LISTEN.
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 08/14/10 10:25 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
I am frightened. I do not want to betray him more than I already have. So letting him cheat is your punishment for "betraying" him?? I don't understand, what did you do to betray him so he can have an affair??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I would really feel more comfortable talking to our marriage counselor about this before I make a decision, but I know you are right.
I am frightened. I do not want to betray him more than I already have. waiting, if any "counselor" tells you to keep his affair a secret, they are unqualified to counsel you. And most counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages much less how to deal with infidelity. Marriage counselors have a higher divorce rate than the general population and are actually harmful to marriages. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. Here is what he says about exposure: " Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." Here is a radio clip where Dr Harley speaks to a board member who didn't expose his wife's affair. He calls him an enabler and tells him "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler." In my judgement exposure would have ended your wife's affair." radio clip Exposing his affair is not "betrayal." Keeping it secret is ENABLING. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this a secret is ENABLING the affair at the expense of your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
I would really feel more comfortable talking to our marriage counselor about this before I make a decision, but I know you are right.
I am frightened. I do not want to betray him more than I already have. waiting, if any "counselor" tells you to keep his affair a secret, they are unqualified to counsel you. And most counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages much less how to deal with infidelity. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. Here is what he says about exposure: " Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." Here is a radio clip where Dr Harley speaks to a board member who didn't expose his wife's affair. He calls him an enabler and tells him "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler." In my judgement exposure would have ended your wife's affair." radio clip Exposing his affair is not "betrayal." Keeping it secret is ENABLING. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this a secret is ENABLING the affair at the expense of your marriage. I posted this and melody posted this...now will you listen? Please? Like I said MC did not work on me and my husband during my affair!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
I have been emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive and mentally abusive to both him and our children. We homeschooled. It was a lot of stress.
I was diagnosed a mental illness and went off my meds and went into an old pattern this summer.
Last edited by waitingtoexhale; 08/14/10 10:50 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
I understand what you are saying.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
Sorry, really. Just did not see it on the website before when I had gone through the marriage builders stuff. I'm just needing to process this and what the ramifications would be.
I'm frightened.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
I have been emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive and mentally abusive to both him and our children. We homeschooled. It was a lot of stress.
I was diagnosed a mental illness and went off my meds and went into an old pattern this summer. Did you make your husband have an affair? Did you make him have feelings for this OW? Did you make him sleep with her? (you say he didn't, but I bet otherwise!) Did you give her number to your husband and say "you should start seeing this OW'? THEN NO! HIS AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT, stop blaming yourself for his selfish behavior it will only make it worse for him to continue the affair.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
706
guests, and
112
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
