i have been on here reading for the last 2 months but so many of this situations seem like they are like mine but then they wind up being very different so most of the advice is not helpful in my situation....so here is a breakdown of my life, i have 4 beautiful children & a husband that i have been with for 11 1/2 years & love very much but i found out 3 months ago that he had been seeing someone that he had been working with. He broke it off a few weeks before I found out but it is consuming every moment of my life to the point that I feel like if I cannot find a way to cope with it & move on then it will end our marriage. We are taking all the right steps & he is trying really hard & I do realize all of this is a good thing compared to so many other stories but the pain in my chest, head, my whole body is literally killing me. When I say it consumes me, it consumes me to the point that i relive it atleast 5 days a week & look @ everything all over again. I feel like I need professional help besides just marriage counseling & maybe that is what I will have to do but if anyone has any sound advice, I am all ears. Thank you very much!

Follow the MB program, call up the Harleys and get a PLAN in place.

BTW, your WH is no longer working with the OW is he?

How much empathy for your pain is your H showing you?

what is the MB program?
he does not work in the same office with her anymore but he does have to see her 2 days a month @ meetings b/c they still work for the same company.
he does show how much he cares for me & what he has done to me--90% of the time. he does not want to not talk about it anymore & i feel as though he wants to pretend it never happened but try telling my broken heart, mind & self-esteem that.

Marriage Builders Program.

Recovery after an affair takes a very long time with both parties being willing to work on things. Seeing the A partner 2 days a month will not recover your M.

Unfortunately for a M to truly heal you can't just wipe it under the rug and forget about it.

Are you willing to learn about things and how to recover your marriage.

I�m sorry you�re here. Your H obviously has no clue as to the magnitude of pain he�s caused you. This is a massive emotional trauma. It isn�t something you just sweep under the rug.

He has to do a few things:

1. Transfer away from that location or company so he NEVER sees her again.
2. Write a no contact letter that he lets you mail to her which says that he will not speak to her or see her ever again, for life.
3. Hand over all his cell records, account info, passwords to emails, etc. Complete transparency must take place for you to begin to trust him again.
4. Accept that he did wrong and answer any and every question you have about his affair.
5. Accept that �not talking about it� is not an option.

30feeling, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. I would strongly suggest that you pick up the book Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand what has happened in your marriage.

Your reaction of being broken hearted is perfectly normal. It takes about 2 years, under the best of conditions to recovery.

In your case, recovery has not begun and never will until your H ends all contact for life. Every time he sees his lover, he will be back to day 1 of withdrawal. He will be triggered every time he sees her name on an email. It is like a "recovering" alcoholic who has drinks "2 days a month;" he will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal.

Is the OW married and if so, has her husband been told what your H did to him?

Here is an excerpt from Dr Harley about ending contact:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

thank u all for the advice.
i am very willing to learn things to recover my marriage but i mentally & physically cannot just sweep it under the rug.
he has already done so many of the things u listed...i have all his phone records, passwords, e-mails--anything i want to check, i do. a no contact text was already sent from my husband & from me, actually me & her have talked & e-mailed back & forth a good bit. he has answered so many questions in the beginning that i think that is why he is tired of talking about it. as far as him seeing her, the meetings only last thru october & then he is done seeing her FOREVER. he has offered to quit his training so he would not have to see her @ all but i do not want him to do that when there is only 3 months left & this is the only way he can move up in the company.
i can tell that he does not have a clue of the pain that i am still going thru everyday of my life, i would not wish this pain on anyone.
the OW's husband does not know anything.
i am ordering the book "Surviving an Affair" & i hope that will help me understand something. having the advice from all of you & being able to vent has really helped b/c i have no one to talk to except for my husband.

you need to tell OW husband.

Are you saying that you think your husband's job is more important than your marriage?

I am sorry to say but your marriage wont recover until your husband is in NC with this OW.

PLEASE tell the OW husband!

This is a HUGE mistake that WILL come back to haunt you.

Besides...I am just wondering why you haven't told him? How would you feel if the tables were turned and you found out the OWH knew but hadn't told you??

You do plan on rectifying this situation ASAP, right? Affairs thrive on secrecy and her husband, in addition to every other key person in your lives, should be told. But the OWH should be at the very top of your list. Not telling him is to enable the affair and keep that door open.

He can't very well protect himself from your husband and his wife if no one tells him.

i have talked to my pastor about this & our counselor & they even said for me to do what i could @ this point & @ this point i am not okay with contacting the OW's husband. i understand he has a right to know but i do not know him so therefore i do not know how he will react & i do not want him coming after my husband or causing problems @ my husbands job b/c we do not need anymore problems in our family. i am putting my marriage 1st--HONEST & i do not think him being in a class with her for 3 more months for only 2 days a month is going to destroy us. it makes my husband sick to look @ her or be around her b/c of the guilt he feels plus she went psycho when he told her he was not going to see her anymore & this was b4 i even knew about the A so therefore he got to see her true colors. what may destroy our marriage is ME, i cannot get past it, the thoughts in my mind, the pain in my heart....i have so many emotions @ 1 time--i can from just wanting to die 1-day to fine the next. he was my best friend & the person i went to for everything & i want/need that back & as much as he is trying to restore that, i am the 1 hendering it b/c i can't get over what he has done to us.

I am sorry for your situation. I have to say that the advise you are getting although it seems scary is the right advice. I was there a few weeks ago. I did not want to the world to know my situation and my shame and pain. He said the affair was over.. and then he slipped right back into it right under my nose. It started with a few "work" related phone calls and functions. Before I knew it the affair was back on in full swing and we were in deeper trouble then before. I exposed it was the hardest thing I could imagine but it was the RIGHT thing to do.

Good luck

Anonymous notes, or an I-know-it's-you greeting card can put the fear of God into them. I know.

Unfortunately, your pastor and your counselor are giving you dreadful advice that will only increase the risk that the affair stays alive and well. You are not putting your marraige first. Not telling the OWH is to enable the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy.

There isn't much we can do to help you if you insist on enabling the affair.

Then I can't help you sorry, good luck with everything.

I think part of the problem is that you are in a BS fog which is evidenced in the first sentence you posted on this thread:


ALL of the parts of the MB Plan for Recovery actually REALLY do apply to your situation! What you are doing is skipping over crucial parts of the plan like No Contact and then saying: It's not working for me because my situation is unique.


What is happening is you are being triggered each time you H goes to work with his OW. This could eventually lead to a breakdown and personal counseling isn't going to help you.

Not exposing and allowing work contact usually leads to disaster as we have seen here on the boards over and over again. Good luck to you.

thank u all for your advice...i hate that some of u have think i'm not listening or think that u can't help. he does not see the OW @ work everyday like before, they do still work 4 the same company but r @ different locations. they will only see each other 6 more times & it is only during a mandatory meeting where over 20 people r there & she is the 1st one to leave(i know b/c i am there)& this may sound cocky but i have no worries of him ever wanting to be with her again or her wanting to be with him ever again--i have put the fear of god into her for sure, to the point she will not even look @ him during the meetings. i am not trying to say that i am different than anyone else all i am saying is that if he was to turn to her or anyone else ever again or so much as speak to her or anyone else in person or on the phone in an apprapriate manner then my marriage would be over b/c that would show me he is not sorry for what he did & he does not care to fix it. i am forgiving him this one time & one time only--i lived this life as a little girl with my mom & dad & i will not be ran over by anyone so this is the ONLY 2nd chance he gets.
Gray prince-can u tell me what u mean by anonymous note--to who?
I honestly do not see how i am enableing the affair, i understand her husband has a right to know but as i told the OW, she should tell her husband--not me. GOD says to not take revenge & i may be wrong but i consider that pretty revengeful. Can someone please explain to me y this is so important to tell others, i am NOT ashamed--i just know that it is easier for me to forgive him but will not b so easy 4 family & friends 2 forgive him.
I know @ anytime if my "H" is not living for the LORD & doing what he should he could go back to the wrong life style but besides monitoring his every move, every phone call, every breath he takes...i cannot change him, i just pray that he has seen what a HUGE mistake he has made & he want do it again & if he did do it again, then i will rise above it & know that i tried & i am better than that.
My problem is that the "A" consumes my thoughts & i need to find a way to cope with the pain it has caused me & the destruction it has done to my self-esteem. I hope someone can help me with this b/c we r getting good counseling but the counseling is building our marriage but it is NOT helping me with the thoughts of the affair & him being with someone else.

If your child is at school hurt, don't you think you should know? If your marriage is hurt, don't you think you should know? Treat their marriage like it is their child, and let her husband know that it is hurt.

I think revenge would be not telling OWH and feeling pleased that OW failed her marriage.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS
A place where silent suffering is discouraged.


Think of it this way.
You know someone is planning a crime against another person, and you don't warn the victim.


Truth is good.
Truth is protective.
Secrecy is not so good, and secrecy can/does enable wrong-doers.


We're suggesting that YOU change YOU.
We are suggesting that you take actions that are for the protection of your marriage.




You want help with your feelings?
Talk to your husband about your feelings.
Ask him for suggestions.
Let's see how much your H has invested in protecting your heart/feelings ...