thank u for explaining some of the things i asked, it did help me to see the other side of it. i will talk with my counselor tomorrow about telling the OW's husband & let ya'll know asap.
as far as my feelings, some of u sound bitter on here & i came here for help not sarcasm. your concerns seem to be about the OW who i am trying to forget. i am trying to repair MY marriage right now. i do talk to my husband about my feelings & he holds me & does what he can to be there for me but he has never been hurt like this, that is y i came here to get advice on how to deal with my feelings

And, dealing with your feelings means FEELING them, and then recognizing that as important as FEELINGS are ... they just ARE ... FEELINGS.

FEELINGS ...
.have no IQ
.have no moral authority
.are ever-changing
.are not true or false

Having a FEELING does not necessarily require an action be taken.



What does the following quote mean?

I am concerned for your marriage. I don't think much for the OW, and I am not positive that you have true recovrey. I am of a sound mind that there is the possibility that this can happen again. Telling OWH is one way to help make sure she stays out of your life, and the OWH can work on his marriage. You do not need to talk to or contact OW to do this. I do not condone ever talking to OP after NC, they know who they are and what they are doing. Also NC should be put in place yesterday.

Next is you have to work on you. Learn how you LB and refrain from it. Find each others EN and you can do your best to fulfil your WH ENs. Spend over 20+ hours of UA together. Work on each other LB$. Over time your feelings should go away.

On top of all this read, read, read.

Clearly, OWH is our concern ~ not OW. He is a victim just like you are a victim. He has the right to know what has been done behind his back just like you did. He has a right to address the problems in his M just like you did.

Do you really need a counselor to tell you that?

His fixing his M and watching things from his end only helps you.

Have you told OW something like, "Stay away from my H or I will tell your H everything"? This is the only thing I can think of why you would try to twist the advice you are getting on this point.


As far as your not being worried about work contact, you don't seem to understand how the MB concepts treat the A like an addiction. Just in case you missed it:

Re: Your H convincing you he is done with the A. Again, nothing special or new. We see this all the time.

My H told me the same thing whilst he continued to work with OW.
"I have no idea what I saw in her"
"What a mistake I was making, I don't want anything to do with her".

Nope, they resumed the A even tho they only had limited work contact.

Your H and OW can never see or talk to each other again without endangering your M. You are playing with fire but we can't help you if you want to think your situation is different.

wheels spinning--thank u, that truely helps me & i hope it helps my marriage doin all the things u suggested for me & for my marriage. (sorry, it took me a minute but i have memorized all the abbreviations yet)
as i have said i do NOT think i am different, all that i think is different is that i need help copeing with what has happened to me & not to dweal on the OW. no one told me about the A & yet i found out, same can go for OW's husband. that does not mean i am not going to tell him b/c the whole point in a counselor is to talk things thru, it is not that i need a counselor to tell me what is the right thing to do. i am just trying to not make any rash decisions.
"he has never been hurt like this" means that even though he is trying to understand & trying to be there for me, he has never been betrayed by the person he thought could never do this to him--he has not felt the pain that i am going thru right now unlike some of u on here have & some of u have learned how to deal with your feelings even though they r just that "feelings". feelings can be very strong regardless, they can control your life if u let them.
on the day i found out i did say alot of the things to the OW that i am not proud of...1 of them was threatening her in every form & fashion & some of those threats have already been turned into a reality. my husband is no different than any other man or woman who has cheated. i am no diffrent than any of u who have had your hearts ripped out of your chest like mine & i truely hate what u all have went thru or are going thru but i am here to see "how to survive an affair", i will take precautions so that hopefully it will not happen again but we r the victims as u all have said so if your spouse steps out of the marriage "AGAIN" after already causing u so much pain the 1st time, y would u stay? i know i would not, it took alot of praying(by both of us), begging(by him), pleading(by him) & crying (by both of us) the 1st time--i could not put myself thru it again.

30, you are enabling the affair by keeping it a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy so you help no one by hiding it. If your husband was truly remorseful, he would confess his crime to his victim. The fact that he has not made sure the OWH knows tells me he is not sincere.

Do you think it would be "taking revenge" to tell your neighbor that his bookkeeper was stealing his money? Because that is the logic you are using here. The OWH is a victim and he has been gravely harmed by your husband and his wife. It would be a Christian act to warn this man what has been done to him so he can protect himself and his children from your husband. Your husband is an enemy to this man and you do NO ONE any favors by hiding this crime to protect your husband.

Ask your physician if he/she thinks you would benefit from an anti-anxiety anti-depressant combo. It helped me tremendously.
Are you by any chance currently pregnant?

You just might be too depressed and anxious to take in the standard MB advice.
If your brain chemistry has been "off" due to traumatic stress of discovery (plus 4 kids) ... first things first.

Get yourself more on an even keel.
Speak to your physician.

i actually agree with u about the secrecy part & it should not be kept a secret--i agree. my H has had NC with her or her husband since b4 i even found out so how is he not being sincere when he does not know if her husband knows or does not know. they r suppose to have NC & yet he is suppose to find out if he knows or not so he can tell him. we r focused on us & fixing our marriage 1st--that is what we r suppose to b doing according to all of the books i have read. then after we r able to get going down the right path, then the OW & her H can hopefully do the same. i feel as though (& ofcourse i could b wrong) GOD has a hand in this & my H is no one's enemy, he has repented for his crime & we r not trying to hide it--@ the same time not broadcasting it. when u love people u try to protect them, wrong or right that is what u do.

How is he sincere when he will not even make sure his victim knows what he did to him? If I rob a bank and say "oh forgive me!!" but don't confess my crime to the bank would you say I am sincere? Or would you say I really wanted to be forgiven but didn't want to do anything to earn that forgiveness?

If you have harmed someone, the first step in true repentence is to make amends to your victim. That has not been done here. His victim remains in ignorance and remains vulnerable to your H and his OW.

And 30, you have become an accessory to the crime by helping your H trick his victim. As long as you know and don't tell this man what has been to him, you are equally culpable.

thank u pepperband & u may be right, i do need to check with my doctor about anti-anxiety, anti-deppresant combo b/c i my emotions r very crazy right now & i know that i am very depressed. no i am not pregnant, thank goodness--that would make things even worse.

I am the victim 1st & foremost--I am the one he needs to be concerned with right now if he wants a future w/me & then we can worry about others.
I understand melody that u r concerned with the OW & her husband & hopefully me or my husband (maybe even both of us) can tell him soon. In the meantime while we r trying to "survive this affair" i would like to know from you or others how did u find peace with the thoughts in your mind about your husband/wife being with someone other than u--b/c this is my problem is not being able to cope with it or understand "why" my H turned to someone else.

...and what people here are taking their time to tell you is that YOU and WH are keeping a door opened that can easily be walked right back through again (ie. resuming contact with OW) by keeping this secret from the OW's H. If you WANT your WH to fail, and resume his A, then by all means keep this door opened. I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you do not want this to occur.

It seems cruel to me to keep this secret from OW's H.

i do understand what people r trying to tel me & if i sound like i am not taking the advice or appreciating the advice i am sorry. i need all the advice i can get but some of the advice is just that-advice so please understand if i ask more questions to understand the advice. i understand that the door is still opened(that is a could way to explain it--that helped) & it will be closed.
i am not trying to be cruel @ all to anyone...i know he has a right to know. i am honestly not comfortable w/telling him @ this point--what if i told the OW she has to tell him or.....

She will lie and tell you she told him. She cannot be trusted. Waywards are liars.

You need to tell OWH. It is not only to show your compassion for the victim of a heinous crime (although this is a good enough reason). But, you and OWH can work together to make sure that this affair never....ever gets reignited. The way you have left things right now with OWH not knowing and your husband still seeing OW from time to time is like playing russian roulette. Sooner or later your gonna get the bullet...

Feeling lucky enought to keep pulling the trigger?

I was highly uncomfortable with exposure, but it had the desired effect. It put a huge crimp in the affair (OW was unmarried). I told my H's HR department (they worked in the same business but not together), as well as OW's parents. THAT was very uncomfortable, but I felt it was necessary.

If you used this as a threat to keep OW at bay, it will only keep her there for so long, especially if the affair resumes, neither party will give a hoot what you will do after the addiction is in full swing again.

OW will not tell her H the truth. Most likely she is still hoping that things will reignite between herself and your H. WHy would she want her H to be watching her?

What she will tell him (as we have seen over and over here) is that you are jealous and making a big deal out of nothing, etc etc

30feeling, but you are not taking the advice. IT is not that you are sounding like it, but you are, in fact, not taking our advice. What you are asking us to do is help you push a car up the hill with the parking brake on because you are "uncomfortable" about taking the brake off. Is that fair? There is not much we can do to help you if won't take our advice.


No one is EVER "comfortable" telling the OP's spouse. We do the right thing because it is RIGHT, not because it is "comfortable." If you will only do the right thing if it is comfortable, then one has to question if you even have principles. I would think hard about that, 30, because you sound like a person who has principles, so I have to give you the benefit of the doubt and presume you just have not thought it through.

And telling the OW to tell him is ridiculous and pretty much assures he will NEVER get the truth.

I have NEVER met a person who was "comfortable" exposing the affair. NEVER. Not in 9 years on this forum. A person would have to be without conscience to "comfortably" deliver such devastating news. It is very hard and uncomfortable. When I did it, I cried all evening because it was such a hard thing to do.

i understand....bad idea, i will not even go there then.
i do not feel lucky @ all, just the opposite so now i would not want to pull the trigger. as far as the contact w/the OW, it is so little & they do not speak to each other & they r in a room full of people & as i said b4 she is the 1st 1 to leave after the meeting & these meetings r almost over & he will never see or talk to her EVER again. i know NC means just that NONE & my H said he would drop out of this class but it is almost over so i did not want him to do that b/c these classes benefit our needs as a family too. when the A was going on they worked together in the same building. as i told my H, if he still wanted her, he can have her b/c i am not here to fight over him....i am fighting for our marriage to be repaired.
i need to ask some more questions on ya'lls advice. y does everyone talk like the A will resume? is it not possible 4 someone to b remorseful & honestly sorry for what they did & never want it to happen again? can the WW or WH not be so sorry & sick for the pain they caused their spouse that they would never put them thru it again?