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That will be the only thing that will get me to trust him. I think I already know the answer if I do ask him that. He already told me that it's too hard to avoid her and that he doesn't want to be her "enemy" by not talking to her. He is more concerned about her than your relationship. Sorry, not good enough. He isn't serious about recovery. He works in the same company but accross the street from her office. He macs money from the mac machine right outside her office every day to buy cigarettes. I don't think there is any reason for him to talk to her about anything but work and that is only if he is directly rquired to talk to her. ever see her again in his life. As long as they can see each other on a regular basis, she will NEVER be out of your life or out of your marriage. Every time he sees her he will get a little thrill, made spicier by the fact that she is now 'forbidden'. He'll notice her outfit, her hair. He'll start to smile at her as he gets his money, then wave, then a mouthed 'hello' before you know it he'll be right back talking to her. And his excuse: "I was just being friendly, you're overreacting". Sorry, this just won't do. He needs to NEVER see or speak to her about anything, not even work. It is too easy to slip into inappropriate conversation, which leads to inappropriate thoughts, which will eventually lead to inappropriate acts. He needs to change his job.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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I wish it were that simple. He will never leave his job. He is far too comfortable there.
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Then you ready to accept the fact that at some point down the road he will sleep with her?
Because it really IS that simple.
Either you stand firm on this boundary, or you just get ok with the fact that you will NEVER have a good marriage, and just prepare yourself for Dday - it's coming.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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How can I trust him if he refuses to let her go? How do I know what he said isn't just lip service like it was before? It is lip service and you can't trust him. You are not safe until he leaves the job and ends all contact. The problem isn't the amount of attention he gets from you, but his poor boundaries. Until he ends all contact and establishes some boundaries you are looking at a continued affair for a long time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's what I am afriad of. It has gone on way too long as it is. He can't understand why I can't let it go.
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That's what I am afriad of. It has gone on way too long as it is. He can't understand why I can't let it go. He doesn't have to understand. He has to know and accept that this is non-negotiable. He can't have a wife and a 'girl friend' oh sorry 'friend who is a girl'. You don't get both.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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That's what I am afriad of. It has gone on way too long as it is. He can't understand why I can't let it go. Bonster, it will be up to you to protect your boundaries. Your marriage will never survive as long as he still sees the OW. In that case, I would make plans to go to Plan B until he ends all contact. The plan you are in now, plan "C" for compromise, is the most likely to lead to divorce.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. if you lower the bar, he will only live down to your expectations. This is why it is important to raise the bar.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am going to talk to him tonight. I will post tomorrow how it goes. Wish me luck!
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My FWW would complain that I expected too much of her, and that I raised the bar too high. I often questioned "what bar?" because it was so low it did not exsist!! I let her know during an MC that I expected her to do the opposite of what a commited wife would do. I expected her to walk away from me, I expected her to not tend to the kids, I expected her to not participate in house work, and I expected her to disregaurd me and everyone else in her life. She met all these bad expectations because I set the bar so low.
I really should have kept the bar high, and let her know when she was violating a commitment that she had made.
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I really should have kept the bar high, and let her know when she was violating a commitment that she had made. ITA! 
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UPDATE:
Hetold me he is not going to talk to her at all any more and I have to trust that he is telling me the truth.
He told me that he loves me and is very happy with me.
I am closing this chapter and finally moving on. We will continue to work on strengthening our marriage.
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UPDATE:
Hetold me he is not going to talk to her at all any more and I have to trust that he is telling me the truth.
He told me that he loves me and is very happy with me.
I am closing this chapter and finally moving on. We will continue to work on strengthening our marriage. Plan on re-opening this chapter in a few years. 'Closing' this chapter does nothing to prevent a future occurrence. Your marriage cannot be strengthened if there are outside parties meeting your husband's needs - the foundation is fundamentally flawed, and the flaw is your husband's attitude and your inability to stand up for yourself. EPs will prevent this affair from continuing and escalating. Nothing else will. Good luck to you - see you in a few years.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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UPDATE:
Hetold me he is not going to talk to her at all any more and I have to trust that he is telling me the truth.
He told me that he loves me and is very happy with me.
I am closing this chapter and finally moving on. We will continue to work on strengthening our marriage. I am sorry actions speaks louder then words...I give it one week! Will you still be snooping? Checking emails, phone, FB, etc?
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